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Friday, September 30, 2011

Feeling a bit more human

Got the last of my balls removed today. Finally. And yes it hurt, but at this point what's new. I got a few more stitches out as well. I cannot even imagine another surgery. But all in time.

I've been writing in my journal and I keep ending each entry with "feeling aggro....Pain this, pain that..." So it'll be 3 weeks this Monday. So yeah, everyone says I look great and I'm doing far more than I ever thought I would be doing at this point, but I'm more exhausted now than when I left the hospital and recovery center. And I think I've been trying to keep up with how everybody thinks I'm doing and so I'm aggro.

I received an email from a friend and former neighbor, who is currently living with cancer, and she wrote about acceptance and how just because you may look good doesn't mean your not hurting. Yes, my spirits are up, especially after today but I hurt every single second of everyday. I know one of my lessons here is patience. Not my strong suit. I don't want you to read this and think I'm sitting here complaining. I do not regret my surgery or the choices I've made...I reduced my chances of getting cancer by 90%. And there are people out there with cancer or some other ailments that live with pain 24/7. I know I will get better. I know I need time, I'm just telling you how I feel. So I don't mean to be difficult to friends and family that want to visit. Nobody can make this better. Nobody can take away my pain. I love you all for your prayers and emails and tweets and phone messages, etc.....but I need time.

To my Mom, my angel.....I love you so much. We certainly are a pair hobbling around these last few weeks together. I know this has been so difficult for you and I know you know physical pain. You give me strength.

To baby Jack....My love. You are so gentle with mommy and her boo-boos. When you lay in bed with me and hold my hand or look over and me and say, "Hi Mommy." it melts my heart. I hope you have no memory of this someday, but I will certainly share this experience with you. You will also know how much we are loved by so many. We are very blessed Jack.

"I am perpetually with you, taking care of you. This is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever-promise.......I am training you to keep your focus on My Presence in the present..." This is just part of a beautiful passage that was given to me today.

Yeah, I'm in training, for sure.

Love, Janeen

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