So I don't want to be all dramatic, but I cannot help but be reminded what I was feeling just 4 short weeks ago and yet at that time I could not even imagine one day after surgery. I was just hoping to wake up. To all of you that were on the receiving end of my shortness before September 12, it's because I was just so scared. I had done all the doctor appointments and got a clean bill of health, but there was something nagging me...it was fear. And that fear spoke to me every night. It said, " this may be the last time you see this person.". It said, "this may be the last time you do....." whatever it was I was doing. But the most painful part was having to say goodbye to Jack on September 11. My heart was broken. It killed me. I didn't want to scare him so I tried to control my tears, but I was dying inside. I knew I had to trust my doctors. They would never perform such a surgery if they thought I would be at risk. I had to trust that those looking after Jack would keep him safe. At this time the longest I had ever been away from Jack was 2 days and he was with my Mom. I knew I had to trust God and have faith, but I really didn't. I think I was so numb to what I was doing and what was happening. I really don't think I walked into the hospital that morning at 5 am feeling anything but fear. It had such a grip on me. And yet I had SO many people praying for me and my family. And God knew the outcome. I wanted to say a prayer beforehand and yet once I got that first injection in my IV, I remember nothing. I don't remember talking to my doctors, my Mom, my brother, nothing. Did I say, "I love you?". Mom says yes, I did. Maybe having no memory is a good thing? When I woke up I apparently asked Darren, "Who won the game?" and I do remember a dream where I was packing. I told my Mom this, and she said, "because I told you to go to a happy place, Hawaii." as I was passing out. How weird our subconscious is.
I thought about writing a letter to Jack just in case, but then I thought I might be jinxing my luck. I wanted to say to everyone I saw before my surgery how much I love them, but was afraid everyone would think I was being over dramatic. So if I saw you, I probably cried after, on my own. Does everyone know what they mean to me? Did I have time to right my wrongs? Had a been a good enough Mom to Jack so far in his young life? Was I spiritual at all? Was I a fraud? Was I the person I really want to be?
I'm still swirling and thinking of these questions. I am different. I want to be better, and do better. I walked through a paralyzing fear. But what now? Yeah, physical pain is still here and it will be with me for quite awhile. But I cannot push aside my emotions beforehand.
This last month I have felt gratitude, love, pain, weakness, anger, peace, empowerment....Still trying to sort it all out. I mention God a lot more than ever before. I do feel like I've been through a certain hell. But there are woman that go through what I have done but they also had to battle cancer. Why did I get to dodge that bullet? As Mom titled this blog, As Designed By God! This is for sure. HE sees the big picture. Again, I'm just trying to sort it all out.
Bless you all, Janeen
1 comment:
Do you know what you mean to all of us? So much! I cried on several occasions but never wanted to let you know that. You certainly didnt need the extra stress. Especially the day you went into surgery. I was a wreck. I always wanted to downplay and act ok in front of you or on phone with you because I didnt want to be Debbie Downer =)
Everyone sighed a huge sigh of relief when you came out the other end of surgery and all was ok. I personally had the same thoughts of what if i dont see her again which I feel ok saying to you now but would never have said to you before surgery. In that sense i know exactly the fear you were feeling especially about Jack. Ok now i am crying =(
God knows how pissed off at him we would be if something had happened to you-haha!
I prayed and prayed and God truly delivers miracles every day. Sometimes they dont seem like miracles but we know they are.
We are all so glad you are through the worst and although you still have more obstacles to face with this - the biggest is out of the way - YEAH! So happy you are through the worst. I imagine it will take a long time to sort out and you may never completely sort it all out. Life throws us some whoppers that sometimes can never be fully explained.
I love & value your friendship and am so happy for you that at least the worst part is out of the way.
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