I had Mom over for dinner tonight. We ate at my decorated Thanksgiving table even though we will not be here at my house for Thanksgiving Day. As thankful as I am, I am also quite anxious for the holidays and I feel like I need to get rid of all the fall and make my house into some sort of winter wonderland now. I will be putting up my Charlie Brown tree, but my Mom and Aunt have other plans...I am leaving all of those details to them.
Is it a good thing that I have lost track of what week I'm at now? I'm absolutely feeling better, but I find myself at times still not believing that I have had a double mastectomy. I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off just yet. It's difficult to feel real feminine. And the fact that I wore an old pair of maternity sweatpants the other day doesn't help with feeling so feminine, but they are so comfortable. I have a new body, clothes fit differently and pieces of me will continue to change so it's all very weird. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but this has been a theme in my life. Just taking it all in. One day at a time. My boobs will not define me, but taking someone like me, who's always had body issues and then this happens......light bulb moment here....God's life lesson for me: acceptance. When I feel myself drifting away from my lessons and getting stuck in the absurd, I have to reel myself in and remind myself that I have been given this opportunity; this gift. I have had a physical change but I still think I got slammed in the face with a huge life lesson. When you can't change your situation, you gotta change your attitude. This isn't about the physical; it's all mental. I have to practice what I'm writing here. I get caught up in the physical because it's what we all see. Why do I get sucked into that 1% thinking? This is all we perceive with our five senses. On the other side of that curtain is the 99%. Nothing happens suddenly. Note to self: we are all more than our physical being.
Thanks for listening once again. I wish everybody a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for you all.
Bless you,
Janeen
Sweet Girl,
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself. You are entitled to pity parties and no one has any expectations of how you should feel at this stage except you. So many of us have learned so much about ourselves from your journey, by that I mean life's lessons. We continue to learn and grow from our life's experiences, we move forward, stronger than before and certainly much wiser.
I am so thankful for you Janeen. I will never know what I did yo be blessed with such an amazing daughter, but I thank God every day He gave you to me to nurture and love. Happy Thanksgiving.
Love,
Mom
Sweet Girl,
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself. You are entitled to pity parties and no one has any expectations of how you should feel at this stage except you. So many of us have learned so much about ourselves from your journey, by that I mean life's lessons. We continue to learn and grow from our life's experiences, we move forward, stronger than before and certainly much wiser.
I am so thankful for you Janeen. I will never know what I did yo be blessed with such an amazing daughter, but I thank God every day He gave you to me to nurture and love. Happy Thanksgiving.
Love,
Mom