Never thought I'd be at week 6... But here I am. My energy level is still low, but as long as I get back to my old schedule, this too will improve. Doctor said 6-8 weeks and he is right on the money. I feel like all the working out I did before is out the window. I can't even raise my leg and straighten it. All my muscles are so tight. I will start the gym again soon and go SLOW. I did some errands today and had to adjust that bra and realized I didn't have it on. This is what I mean. I feel as if a wire bra has been implanted in me. I could have sworn a wire was poking me. Oh well. I even wore a pair of jeans today but I am completely numb so I always feel like there is some sort of waist band going around me. It's very odd. Again, this will be with me for 6+ months. As my swelling continues to go down, I can see what Dr. Granzow was now talking about...and that is...He said it's going to feel and resemble like I just got a new shirt (made of skin of course). And it won't fit quite right. But not to worry because then I will get it tailored (2nd surgery). I can already see where I'd like my alterations to be done. I wonder if they chalk me or pin me?
My thoughts are still with Annette. The fact that I'm so far along in my healing process yet it's still so fresh that each day I think of her, I can remember where I was; what I was feeling. My heart goes out to her and her family. I didn't want to talk to anyone really and those I did talk to I don't really remember. I just hope she's doing well.
Speaking about not remembering much, I found a list of the nurses that tended to me at St. john's on my iPad today. My mom didn't even get me my iPad or phone for a few days. I knew I wanted to write a letter to St. Johns for their exceptional care throughout this process and wanted to mention everyone involved. So apparently I started a list, titled it and all. That just shows you how bad anesthesia messes with your head. I think there are only 2 nurses that I could actually put a name to their face. The others, I simply have no recollection. Even my anesthesiologist....I have down as Lisa. I can't even give props to her because I don't know her name. So Dr. Lisa, you too did a great job.
I would love a back rub, especially at night. I still try to sleep on my side, sort of, with pillows around me, but what I really want to do is get on my stomach again. And this ain't happening anytime soon. I wonder how I'd get a massage, but I know that's wishful thinking now. And I want to stretch, but everythings been sewn and pulled so tight, I can't. I know in the long run this will be a good thing, but a great stretch would be awesome.
I'm seeing my girlfriends for the first time tomorrow night. I said there will be no water works, but now I'm not so sure. When tough times hit a person or family everybody has their own process and I really appreciate everyone respecting mine. And my mother lion has been uber protective of me, making sure I wasn't overwhelmed with visitors and/or contact with others. She lived this with me and she knows me best, so I thank you mom.
Then other night, Jack was behind me, walking back and forth on the couch. He leaned on my back and put his head on my right shoulder and said, "mommy, I love you.". That was a first. I love my boy so much.
Until next time.......with Love and Gratitude,
Janeen
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
OK, Here Are Some Pictures
This is the first day I got to come home. It was day 9.
I have some other home pics to share but I'm feeling conflicted.
Don't think I'll share right now. Not yet ready.
Here is Jack in the bathroom with 'Anni' one night.
She'd come over & help bathe him. Making sure he brushed his teeth.
This is the most recent from my last blog of us taking Jack to the
Fire Station Open House in Irvine. He had so much fun.
And I SO enjoyed watching as did 'Anni.'
YES, I'm leaning down!!!
Also last weekend at a pumpkin patch with Mommy & Uncle D.
He's in a sea of pumpkins & had another fun day.
After the pumpkin patch Mom drove me to critical care to see my Sophie.
Doctor thought it was alright to bring her home. She either had a stroke
or has vestibular disease. So she's a little off, but she's always been a lil off.
But I LOVE HER!!!!
And last, this is the result from her episode. She looks a bit regal or she can't
be bothered by the camera. Her head is high; eyes pull down,
but she IS improving. That's how we girls do it around here.
WE JUST GET THROUGH IT!!!
I'm going to try and be better at posting pictures about the things I'm actully blogging about at the time. I've just had some computer issues and posting picture issues. But I think it's all good now. I've had a lot on my mind the past few days. Kinda thinking about what I want to say next; things I was thinking about before surgery. They're still in my head but no longer carry so much weight. But I still think it's good to share. I mean this has been and continues to be a journey. So I may bounce back and forth, but I'm keeping it real.
Must go kiss all my babies now....XO, Janeen
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Things That Make You Go Hmmm
I bet you never notice how much you sneeze until you try NOT to and blow your brains out. Sneezing, laughing, coughing...killer right now.
Was trying to post pictures today and it isn't working so all of you that are dying for photos you'll have to wait a bit longer. I know, the anticipation...
Annette is having her surgery tomorrow. I'll be praying for her and her family.
I find it so bizarre that major things happen to all of us; an accident, a surgery, a death, and you want to scream, "stop" to other people when they are going on with their day as if nothing has happened. It's like you want time to freeze, just briefly; just enough so you can breath. And yet LIFE continues on. That's why "time flies by." Cherish each day and don't forget to breath.
This is all I have tonight.
Janeen
P.S. On a lighter note, Mom asked that I put my titles in all caps because it looks nicer.
Was trying to post pictures today and it isn't working so all of you that are dying for photos you'll have to wait a bit longer. I know, the anticipation...
Annette is having her surgery tomorrow. I'll be praying for her and her family.
I find it so bizarre that major things happen to all of us; an accident, a surgery, a death, and you want to scream, "stop" to other people when they are going on with their day as if nothing has happened. It's like you want time to freeze, just briefly; just enough so you can breath. And yet LIFE continues on. That's why "time flies by." Cherish each day and don't forget to breath.
This is all I have tonight.
Janeen
P.S. On a lighter note, Mom asked that I put my titles in all caps because it looks nicer.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Happy Tuesday
Hi Everyone,
I spoke to Dr. Granzow today. After speaking to him I sort of feel like I have minimized in my writing all that these amazing doctors did to me and for me. I still don't totally understand myself. I won't try to explain anymore than I have but they are amazing, remarkable men who are so smart and talented. He was telling me some stories of other patients and people come from all over to see him because so few doctors do what he does. I'm so fortunate he was on my team. I mean he wasn't bragging he was just sharing some incidences. I was asking that if I were to fall or get into an accident, what would happen? He and Dr. Orringer both said that most likely my transplanted tissue would be fine. That it has made it's own blood supply now so even if I was "unhooked" from the transplanted blood vessels, I would be fine. But told me to be careful anyway. You hear that Jack? Pick up your cars and blocks!!!! I also told him that I have stitches poking out the sides of my incision. They are like fishing line. I need to cut those so they can dissolve. Since I don't think I can reach, with scissors, I'll need Mom to do this for me tomorrow. Altough most mothers do, I do not have eyes in the back of my head just yet. I'm happy that he's still on my team and he'll be apart of my future surgeries. One doctor, usually who you see first, takes the lead and in my case this is Dr. Orringer. Dr. Granzow and Orringers techniques are almost identical but a few tweaks here and there and this is why I think they compliment each other so well. Dr. Orringer is so humble and so complimentary to every person he works with, it's a such a pleasure to have no ego trips with my doctors. Again, I keep saying it but I'm so lucky. It was nice to talk to him today. And again all I'm feeling is normal and will be with me fo quite awhile, so no need to beat it to death.
I did a few errands this moring while Mom took Jack to swim class and I was exhausted. I don't get to nap everyday, but I look forward to it. Otherwise, dinner, bath time & getting Jack down can be extremely trying. I'm uusally pretty spent by 3-4pm.
And how's this for 6 degrees of separation. There was a woman who befriended me at Jacks swim school one day when I was having a melt down because I had just had an EUS done to check my pancreas (you know the pancreatic cancer risk) and at that time they took a biopsy. I woke up from this procedure hearing the nurses talking about having to take a biopsy. So of course I freaked and you have to wait for what feels like an eternity for test results. So I guess it was a panic attack that day and I slipped outside the swim school and she came out after me to talk as our kids were with their instructors. Well mom saw her today and she asked how I was doing.....turns out she's best friends with one of my cousins and both families just spent some time together in the desert. Bizarre.
Sophie is good today. Her neurological work up is set for Thursday. Her head is still held high and eyes are still flickering. She sort of wimpers when I leave the room. I find myself reassuring her that I'm here. I believe she's fine but she knows something is clearly different. She's a trooper. This little girl was at the pet shop for 3 months and I was NOT looking for another dog at all and that day I walked out with her. She was meant for me and I was meant for her.
Jacks says it's dinner time, just I must go. And I did get a nap today so I'm good to go now! Have a great night.
Love, Janeen
I spoke to Dr. Granzow today. After speaking to him I sort of feel like I have minimized in my writing all that these amazing doctors did to me and for me. I still don't totally understand myself. I won't try to explain anymore than I have but they are amazing, remarkable men who are so smart and talented. He was telling me some stories of other patients and people come from all over to see him because so few doctors do what he does. I'm so fortunate he was on my team. I mean he wasn't bragging he was just sharing some incidences. I was asking that if I were to fall or get into an accident, what would happen? He and Dr. Orringer both said that most likely my transplanted tissue would be fine. That it has made it's own blood supply now so even if I was "unhooked" from the transplanted blood vessels, I would be fine. But told me to be careful anyway. You hear that Jack? Pick up your cars and blocks!!!! I also told him that I have stitches poking out the sides of my incision. They are like fishing line. I need to cut those so they can dissolve. Since I don't think I can reach, with scissors, I'll need Mom to do this for me tomorrow. Altough most mothers do, I do not have eyes in the back of my head just yet. I'm happy that he's still on my team and he'll be apart of my future surgeries. One doctor, usually who you see first, takes the lead and in my case this is Dr. Orringer. Dr. Granzow and Orringers techniques are almost identical but a few tweaks here and there and this is why I think they compliment each other so well. Dr. Orringer is so humble and so complimentary to every person he works with, it's a such a pleasure to have no ego trips with my doctors. Again, I keep saying it but I'm so lucky. It was nice to talk to him today. And again all I'm feeling is normal and will be with me fo quite awhile, so no need to beat it to death.
I did a few errands this moring while Mom took Jack to swim class and I was exhausted. I don't get to nap everyday, but I look forward to it. Otherwise, dinner, bath time & getting Jack down can be extremely trying. I'm uusally pretty spent by 3-4pm.
And how's this for 6 degrees of separation. There was a woman who befriended me at Jacks swim school one day when I was having a melt down because I had just had an EUS done to check my pancreas (you know the pancreatic cancer risk) and at that time they took a biopsy. I woke up from this procedure hearing the nurses talking about having to take a biopsy. So of course I freaked and you have to wait for what feels like an eternity for test results. So I guess it was a panic attack that day and I slipped outside the swim school and she came out after me to talk as our kids were with their instructors. Well mom saw her today and she asked how I was doing.....turns out she's best friends with one of my cousins and both families just spent some time together in the desert. Bizarre.
Sophie is good today. Her neurological work up is set for Thursday. Her head is still held high and eyes are still flickering. She sort of wimpers when I leave the room. I find myself reassuring her that I'm here. I believe she's fine but she knows something is clearly different. She's a trooper. This little girl was at the pet shop for 3 months and I was NOT looking for another dog at all and that day I walked out with her. She was meant for me and I was meant for her.
Jacks says it's dinner time, just I must go. And I did get a nap today so I'm good to go now! Have a great night.
Love, Janeen
Monday, October 17, 2011
5 Weeks
I don't want to keep writing and complaining but I'm trying to keep this blog as honest as possible. So today......I'm feeling pretty good, but I know Sophie being home has a lot to do with this too.
I have cut so many deals with God lately. Like HE makes deals. I'm sure HE's quite amused when I pray. But I wanted my Sophie to survive that I prayed I will take every ache, pain and burn and shut up!
I actually do feel better and well enough to start venturing out, if anyone is still interested. I've put everybody off for so long, not sure who's interested anymore? And then I go back to Sophie. I still have to get a definitive diagnosis, but if it is vertigo and this ear infection, she may have another episode or never have one again. I know I cannot keep an eye on her 24/7, but I am a bit nervous about this. For all that were around when my Bella past away, I was devastated. I just want my family, all of us, happy and healthy. Sophie's little cinnabun (her curly tail) keeps wiggling this morning. I think she's happy.
This morning, as always, me and the dogs go into get Jack. This morning he looked at Sophie and said, "Her neck hurts." I think I may have a doctor on my hands here?
I got a call from Dr. Granzow last week, so I need to return his call and set up an appointment to see him...then I should be done with doctor appointments for awhile. I am very happy with my progress. I blogged awhile ago that there is a woman that called me who's having my same procedure on October 20. I'm going to call her back and wish her well and tell her again, she is in the best hands and she will be OK. Not sure how much else I should say, unless she asks specific questions. But I can say with confidence that when doctor says 6-8 weeks, I think this is right. I'm on the right road at 5 weeks. What a difference TIME makes.
I know me, so I know there are a few more pitty parties in me, but for today....I have Jack, my puppies, Mom, Darren, the rest of my supportive family and friends and my health. Today's a good day. I hope you are having a great day. Hug a loved one! Or call someone and tell them how much you appreciate them. Start a letter with I Love You, rather than saving it for the end. Kiss your puppies on the lips.
With Gratitude, Janeen
I have cut so many deals with God lately. Like HE makes deals. I'm sure HE's quite amused when I pray. But I wanted my Sophie to survive that I prayed I will take every ache, pain and burn and shut up!
I actually do feel better and well enough to start venturing out, if anyone is still interested. I've put everybody off for so long, not sure who's interested anymore? And then I go back to Sophie. I still have to get a definitive diagnosis, but if it is vertigo and this ear infection, she may have another episode or never have one again. I know I cannot keep an eye on her 24/7, but I am a bit nervous about this. For all that were around when my Bella past away, I was devastated. I just want my family, all of us, happy and healthy. Sophie's little cinnabun (her curly tail) keeps wiggling this morning. I think she's happy.
This morning, as always, me and the dogs go into get Jack. This morning he looked at Sophie and said, "Her neck hurts." I think I may have a doctor on my hands here?
I got a call from Dr. Granzow last week, so I need to return his call and set up an appointment to see him...then I should be done with doctor appointments for awhile. I am very happy with my progress. I blogged awhile ago that there is a woman that called me who's having my same procedure on October 20. I'm going to call her back and wish her well and tell her again, she is in the best hands and she will be OK. Not sure how much else I should say, unless she asks specific questions. But I can say with confidence that when doctor says 6-8 weeks, I think this is right. I'm on the right road at 5 weeks. What a difference TIME makes.
I know me, so I know there are a few more pitty parties in me, but for today....I have Jack, my puppies, Mom, Darren, the rest of my supportive family and friends and my health. Today's a good day. I hope you are having a great day. Hug a loved one! Or call someone and tell them how much you appreciate them. Start a letter with I Love You, rather than saving it for the end. Kiss your puppies on the lips.
With Gratitude, Janeen
Sunday, October 16, 2011
What A Weekend.
We had a lot of plans this weekend. What we didn't expect was my 10 year old Pug Sophie admitted to critical care Saturday night.
Saturday started out fine. Mom and I hobbling along, taking Jack to the local fire station for their open house. He gets so excited when he sees a fire truck and he thinks they're all Rescue Mater, from CARS. He got a junior fire badge and a red plastic fire helmet. He ran all over the place; climbing on everything he could find as well as climbing up to the top of the truck where they have a driver in the back. He took his turn and boy did he love sitting up that high and he turned that wheel and pushed every button he could. He also sat on the back on one truck and of course had to touch every single knob, hose, handle; anything shiny. He loved it. After he said, "thank you" and took off his helmet and returned it to the table. We laughed and told him he could keep it.
We then went back to our respective houses to take naps and thought maybe later he could sit through the dollar theatre and see CARS 2. Well we messed up the times so decided to go to Roger's Garden late afternoon for pumpkins, some new house plants, and see if the train was set up in the garden area. (When we were home and that morning, Sophie was fine. Nothing to make me think anything was wrong with her). So we headed down to Roger's. Jack ran after the train several times and picked about 20 pumpkins; all different sizes for decorations at our house, Anni's house and Uncle D's house. After dropping Mom off at her house Jack and I went home.
Again all was normal. The dogs were jumping and barking for their dinner. I got Jack in his high chair and got his dinner first. Realizing I needed more dog food in the garage, went out and came back in to Sophie in what I thought was a seizure. Her head was stiff and thrown off to the left, then her back legs went straight but she was still standing. I dropped the food and ran to her. Got to my knees and grabbed her. I held her to me as hard as I could. She wasn't fighting me but her body was so stiff and she was panting and drooling. How I got to standing, I don't know. I got to the kitchen, dialed Mom and put it on speaker. I screamed for her help. Now Jack is talking, TV is on, Pearl is still barking, so I got outside to hand her off to Mom. I'm still supposed to not lift anything over 10lbs and Sophie is about 20lbs. Again, I got to my knees and just sat on the driveway until Mom showed up. She had deficated on me; I didn't know and I didn't care. Again, I pulled myself up, holding her (I don't know how) and handed her off. I got back inside and called critical care. Good news is my other pug has Addison's disease so we are at this clinic every month for a shot so she doesn't go into a coma. If the girls there don't know me, they all know Pearl. So I called and they got a chart ready. Gave them her history, medications and how I found her. And then I prayed. And waited.
My chest was red from Sophie scratching and it burned like hell. I cried and prayed as best I could away from Jack. But he knew something was wrong. He came over to me on the couch, held my arm, put his head on my shoulder and said, "Oh Mommy." After what felt like eternity Mom called. The doctor believed that she may be suffering from vestibular disease, common in older dogs but could not rule out neurological.
Long story short (I know too late), Sophie did come home today. We still need to do an MRI and make sure it isn't her brain. And again, good news, we know the best vet neurologist because Molly, Mom's beloved Shi-poo has epilepsy and Dr. Hanson is her doctor. But the vestibular disease can mimick a seizure but symptoms can last up to 4 weeks or more. So Sophie's head stays up and her eyes twitch. She is disoriented so she cannot jump on anything. She's on meds and I'm just trying to keep her quiet.
We had also promised Jack today that Uncle D would take him to another pumpkin patch with rides and animals and of course more pumpkins. So we did go this a.m. I just took pictures. The doctor felt Sophie would be fine to go home today but continued follow up this week so I felt more comfortable continuing with our plans. Mom took me to pick up my girl. But when I woke up this morning I felt as if I had taken 50 steps back. Again, my back killed, chest burning. It was the grace of God that let me handle her and get up off the ground 3 times with her, holding onto nothing. And then Mom....heel pain and all, got her there probably in record time where they immediately got her on oxygen, IV's and meds. And then my Mom sat for hours with her foot burning, calling with updates.
We've all been through so much, I couldn't lose my Sophie. We all just continue to rally. Mom and I are particularly exhausted but like always we are there for each other. She dropped everything for us, as she always does especially in an emergency. Darren was also here this weekend and was a huge help with Jack. Each of us has 2 dogs and they are apart of our family. That's just how we are.
As I sit here in the quiet tonight, Jack is asleep. Pearl is next to me on the couch snoring. Sophie just walked out of my room, head held high (kind of regal) and layed down in her bed in the family room and I'm taking a deep breath. I have the best little family ever and we all have a shit load of pumpkins!
I will have to get used to Sophie's "new Look." I will take care of ALL my babies for as long as God allows me to and to the best of my ability. Which right now is quite difficult. I think Mother Teresa once said, "God never gives you more than you can handle....I just wish HE didn't trust me so much." Kinda feeling this now.
Tonight I'm grateful for a quiet, peaceful home with all my babies. My brother, the doctors and staff that helped Sophie, Jack for being such a good boy as his mother panicked, and last but certainly not least....MOM.
Enough is enough for now. Back to healing. Lesson this weekend; still need patience; need to handle stress better.
Good night,
Janeen, Sophie, Pearl and Jack
Saturday started out fine. Mom and I hobbling along, taking Jack to the local fire station for their open house. He gets so excited when he sees a fire truck and he thinks they're all Rescue Mater, from CARS. He got a junior fire badge and a red plastic fire helmet. He ran all over the place; climbing on everything he could find as well as climbing up to the top of the truck where they have a driver in the back. He took his turn and boy did he love sitting up that high and he turned that wheel and pushed every button he could. He also sat on the back on one truck and of course had to touch every single knob, hose, handle; anything shiny. He loved it. After he said, "thank you" and took off his helmet and returned it to the table. We laughed and told him he could keep it.
We then went back to our respective houses to take naps and thought maybe later he could sit through the dollar theatre and see CARS 2. Well we messed up the times so decided to go to Roger's Garden late afternoon for pumpkins, some new house plants, and see if the train was set up in the garden area. (When we were home and that morning, Sophie was fine. Nothing to make me think anything was wrong with her). So we headed down to Roger's. Jack ran after the train several times and picked about 20 pumpkins; all different sizes for decorations at our house, Anni's house and Uncle D's house. After dropping Mom off at her house Jack and I went home.
Again all was normal. The dogs were jumping and barking for their dinner. I got Jack in his high chair and got his dinner first. Realizing I needed more dog food in the garage, went out and came back in to Sophie in what I thought was a seizure. Her head was stiff and thrown off to the left, then her back legs went straight but she was still standing. I dropped the food and ran to her. Got to my knees and grabbed her. I held her to me as hard as I could. She wasn't fighting me but her body was so stiff and she was panting and drooling. How I got to standing, I don't know. I got to the kitchen, dialed Mom and put it on speaker. I screamed for her help. Now Jack is talking, TV is on, Pearl is still barking, so I got outside to hand her off to Mom. I'm still supposed to not lift anything over 10lbs and Sophie is about 20lbs. Again, I got to my knees and just sat on the driveway until Mom showed up. She had deficated on me; I didn't know and I didn't care. Again, I pulled myself up, holding her (I don't know how) and handed her off. I got back inside and called critical care. Good news is my other pug has Addison's disease so we are at this clinic every month for a shot so she doesn't go into a coma. If the girls there don't know me, they all know Pearl. So I called and they got a chart ready. Gave them her history, medications and how I found her. And then I prayed. And waited.
My chest was red from Sophie scratching and it burned like hell. I cried and prayed as best I could away from Jack. But he knew something was wrong. He came over to me on the couch, held my arm, put his head on my shoulder and said, "Oh Mommy." After what felt like eternity Mom called. The doctor believed that she may be suffering from vestibular disease, common in older dogs but could not rule out neurological.
Long story short (I know too late), Sophie did come home today. We still need to do an MRI and make sure it isn't her brain. And again, good news, we know the best vet neurologist because Molly, Mom's beloved Shi-poo has epilepsy and Dr. Hanson is her doctor. But the vestibular disease can mimick a seizure but symptoms can last up to 4 weeks or more. So Sophie's head stays up and her eyes twitch. She is disoriented so she cannot jump on anything. She's on meds and I'm just trying to keep her quiet.
We had also promised Jack today that Uncle D would take him to another pumpkin patch with rides and animals and of course more pumpkins. So we did go this a.m. I just took pictures. The doctor felt Sophie would be fine to go home today but continued follow up this week so I felt more comfortable continuing with our plans. Mom took me to pick up my girl. But when I woke up this morning I felt as if I had taken 50 steps back. Again, my back killed, chest burning. It was the grace of God that let me handle her and get up off the ground 3 times with her, holding onto nothing. And then Mom....heel pain and all, got her there probably in record time where they immediately got her on oxygen, IV's and meds. And then my Mom sat for hours with her foot burning, calling with updates.
We've all been through so much, I couldn't lose my Sophie. We all just continue to rally. Mom and I are particularly exhausted but like always we are there for each other. She dropped everything for us, as she always does especially in an emergency. Darren was also here this weekend and was a huge help with Jack. Each of us has 2 dogs and they are apart of our family. That's just how we are.
As I sit here in the quiet tonight, Jack is asleep. Pearl is next to me on the couch snoring. Sophie just walked out of my room, head held high (kind of regal) and layed down in her bed in the family room and I'm taking a deep breath. I have the best little family ever and we all have a shit load of pumpkins!
I will have to get used to Sophie's "new Look." I will take care of ALL my babies for as long as God allows me to and to the best of my ability. Which right now is quite difficult. I think Mother Teresa once said, "God never gives you more than you can handle....I just wish HE didn't trust me so much." Kinda feeling this now.
Tonight I'm grateful for a quiet, peaceful home with all my babies. My brother, the doctors and staff that helped Sophie, Jack for being such a good boy as his mother panicked, and last but certainly not least....MOM.
Enough is enough for now. Back to healing. Lesson this weekend; still need patience; need to handle stress better.
Good night,
Janeen, Sophie, Pearl and Jack
Friday, October 14, 2011
One more quote before I call it a night.....
"Eventually, you will come back to the ultimate truth, no matter what life throws at you...You are and always will be LOVE." -JVP
Good night.
Good night.
Hi
On Thursday 10/13 I went back to LA to see 2 of my 3 doctors, and Mom made a herself a doctor appointment with our primary physician, so it was a busy day for 2 gals hobbling around. My appointments were routine check-ups; for Mom she was there to discuss that she has two bone spurs in one of her heels. OUCH! Yea, we are quite a pair. Screw the Kardashians, you all would laugh your ass off lately if we were being filmed.
So my day started with seeing Dr. Robert Cole, my general surgeon. I am just past 4 weeks of recovery and that was the first time he had seen me. And he said (and remeber he IS a surgeon and remarkable at what he does), "If my jaw wasn't already hinged it would be on the floor." He couldn't believe how good I looked and what my plastic surgeons were able to do. I asked for a few more details. He said he was working on me for about the first 4 hours. From then on, Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow worked on me the rest of the time. I told him how bad my clavicle and shoulders hurt when I woke up. Did you all know that your breast tissue goes all the way up to your clavicle? He said my tissue was dissected. I say it was scraped. Whatever the term, all of it was removed.
Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow began working. In all they tightened up the muscles in my chest and abdomen. They cut my abdomen (a 26" scar) and used my own tissue to remake my new boobs. Then they re-routed blood vessels from my abdomen to give the tranplanted tissue a good blood supply. Amazing, right? This took from the 4th hour to hour 15. At that point they got a messgage to my Mom that the surgery went great and now they were going to make me "pretty." This took the last 3 1/2 hours. Only God and those doctors know what I must have looked like...All the more reason why Dr. Cole was so amazed.
Next was Dr. Orringer. He removed my tape again and replaced my abdominal scar with a new gel-like bandage that feels really good and it moves with me, which is nice. He then removed the tape from my new boobs and we discussed my next procedure; making nipples. But since we were talking I never looked in the mirror. It's hard enough sitting or standing there all naked in front of these guys as they examine me. I know, least of my worries, right?
The tape that I had on this entire time was flesh colored, so after another exhausting day I got home and changed my clothes. My first look in the mirror is what I had been afraid to see this entire time. These white circles, nothing else, with stitch marks on these new foreign boobs. I just stood there and cried.
I went to Mom's today and told her about last night and cried again. I know it'll all get fixed, in time. Once again, patience; not my strong suit. I know I just have to pull on my big girl pants and just deal with this; and I will. I mean, I am. Aren't I?
I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. with that burning down the right side of my torso. Didn't want the dogs to get up so rather than getting water to take a pill, I just burned for about an hour then fell back to sleep. Jack woke up around 8 and we started our day. I think I'm still waiting to simply wake up one day and I feel "normal." But I know it's a process. That tightness that I feel is also getting better. Doctors say I can resume physical activity at week 6 or 8. We all know I've been doing far more than anyone expected at this point, but I think I am going to wait; exercise, lifting Jack, doing more physical activities. Hell, I tried opening a water bottle last night. After using a rubber mitt, then an oven mitt, I thought I may have popped a stitch. Couldn't open it so I put the damn thing back in the frig.
As for Mom, she's going to therapy at the foot clinic 3 days a week. Between me in my new industrial strength bra and tummy band and Mom in her Uggs with her $70 heel inserts, we are plugging right along. Don't count us out yet. Not sure what the situation was but the other day Mom asked me, "How did you get so stubborn?" Hmmmm, I don't know? What do you all think?
Thank you for your love, support and prayers. It really does help me and my family.
"Be kind to yourself and appreciate having the strength and courage to go through such an incredible adventure called LIFE." -James Van Praagh
Be well, Janeen
P.S. Jack, your having an over night at Anni's. You better be asleep and not sitting in her bed saying, "Let's party," like last time. Good night monkey.
So my day started with seeing Dr. Robert Cole, my general surgeon. I am just past 4 weeks of recovery and that was the first time he had seen me. And he said (and remeber he IS a surgeon and remarkable at what he does), "If my jaw wasn't already hinged it would be on the floor." He couldn't believe how good I looked and what my plastic surgeons were able to do. I asked for a few more details. He said he was working on me for about the first 4 hours. From then on, Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow worked on me the rest of the time. I told him how bad my clavicle and shoulders hurt when I woke up. Did you all know that your breast tissue goes all the way up to your clavicle? He said my tissue was dissected. I say it was scraped. Whatever the term, all of it was removed.
Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow began working. In all they tightened up the muscles in my chest and abdomen. They cut my abdomen (a 26" scar) and used my own tissue to remake my new boobs. Then they re-routed blood vessels from my abdomen to give the tranplanted tissue a good blood supply. Amazing, right? This took from the 4th hour to hour 15. At that point they got a messgage to my Mom that the surgery went great and now they were going to make me "pretty." This took the last 3 1/2 hours. Only God and those doctors know what I must have looked like...All the more reason why Dr. Cole was so amazed.
Next was Dr. Orringer. He removed my tape again and replaced my abdominal scar with a new gel-like bandage that feels really good and it moves with me, which is nice. He then removed the tape from my new boobs and we discussed my next procedure; making nipples. But since we were talking I never looked in the mirror. It's hard enough sitting or standing there all naked in front of these guys as they examine me. I know, least of my worries, right?
The tape that I had on this entire time was flesh colored, so after another exhausting day I got home and changed my clothes. My first look in the mirror is what I had been afraid to see this entire time. These white circles, nothing else, with stitch marks on these new foreign boobs. I just stood there and cried.
I went to Mom's today and told her about last night and cried again. I know it'll all get fixed, in time. Once again, patience; not my strong suit. I know I just have to pull on my big girl pants and just deal with this; and I will. I mean, I am. Aren't I?
I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. with that burning down the right side of my torso. Didn't want the dogs to get up so rather than getting water to take a pill, I just burned for about an hour then fell back to sleep. Jack woke up around 8 and we started our day. I think I'm still waiting to simply wake up one day and I feel "normal." But I know it's a process. That tightness that I feel is also getting better. Doctors say I can resume physical activity at week 6 or 8. We all know I've been doing far more than anyone expected at this point, but I think I am going to wait; exercise, lifting Jack, doing more physical activities. Hell, I tried opening a water bottle last night. After using a rubber mitt, then an oven mitt, I thought I may have popped a stitch. Couldn't open it so I put the damn thing back in the frig.
As for Mom, she's going to therapy at the foot clinic 3 days a week. Between me in my new industrial strength bra and tummy band and Mom in her Uggs with her $70 heel inserts, we are plugging right along. Don't count us out yet. Not sure what the situation was but the other day Mom asked me, "How did you get so stubborn?" Hmmmm, I don't know? What do you all think?
Thank you for your love, support and prayers. It really does help me and my family.
"Be kind to yourself and appreciate having the strength and courage to go through such an incredible adventure called LIFE." -James Van Praagh
Be well, Janeen
P.S. Jack, your having an over night at Anni's. You better be asleep and not sitting in her bed saying, "Let's party," like last time. Good night monkey.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
4 weeks ago tonight
So I don't want to be all dramatic, but I cannot help but be reminded what I was feeling just 4 short weeks ago and yet at that time I could not even imagine one day after surgery. I was just hoping to wake up. To all of you that were on the receiving end of my shortness before September 12, it's because I was just so scared. I had done all the doctor appointments and got a clean bill of health, but there was something nagging me...it was fear. And that fear spoke to me every night. It said, " this may be the last time you see this person.". It said, "this may be the last time you do....." whatever it was I was doing. But the most painful part was having to say goodbye to Jack on September 11. My heart was broken. It killed me. I didn't want to scare him so I tried to control my tears, but I was dying inside. I knew I had to trust my doctors. They would never perform such a surgery if they thought I would be at risk. I had to trust that those looking after Jack would keep him safe. At this time the longest I had ever been away from Jack was 2 days and he was with my Mom. I knew I had to trust God and have faith, but I really didn't. I think I was so numb to what I was doing and what was happening. I really don't think I walked into the hospital that morning at 5 am feeling anything but fear. It had such a grip on me. And yet I had SO many people praying for me and my family. And God knew the outcome. I wanted to say a prayer beforehand and yet once I got that first injection in my IV, I remember nothing. I don't remember talking to my doctors, my Mom, my brother, nothing. Did I say, "I love you?". Mom says yes, I did. Maybe having no memory is a good thing? When I woke up I apparently asked Darren, "Who won the game?" and I do remember a dream where I was packing. I told my Mom this, and she said, "because I told you to go to a happy place, Hawaii." as I was passing out. How weird our subconscious is.
I thought about writing a letter to Jack just in case, but then I thought I might be jinxing my luck. I wanted to say to everyone I saw before my surgery how much I love them, but was afraid everyone would think I was being over dramatic. So if I saw you, I probably cried after, on my own. Does everyone know what they mean to me? Did I have time to right my wrongs? Had a been a good enough Mom to Jack so far in his young life? Was I spiritual at all? Was I a fraud? Was I the person I really want to be?
I'm still swirling and thinking of these questions. I am different. I want to be better, and do better. I walked through a paralyzing fear. But what now? Yeah, physical pain is still here and it will be with me for quite awhile. But I cannot push aside my emotions beforehand.
This last month I have felt gratitude, love, pain, weakness, anger, peace, empowerment....Still trying to sort it all out. I mention God a lot more than ever before. I do feel like I've been through a certain hell. But there are woman that go through what I have done but they also had to battle cancer. Why did I get to dodge that bullet? As Mom titled this blog, As Designed By God! This is for sure. HE sees the big picture. Again, I'm just trying to sort it all out.
Bless you all, Janeen
I thought about writing a letter to Jack just in case, but then I thought I might be jinxing my luck. I wanted to say to everyone I saw before my surgery how much I love them, but was afraid everyone would think I was being over dramatic. So if I saw you, I probably cried after, on my own. Does everyone know what they mean to me? Did I have time to right my wrongs? Had a been a good enough Mom to Jack so far in his young life? Was I spiritual at all? Was I a fraud? Was I the person I really want to be?
I'm still swirling and thinking of these questions. I am different. I want to be better, and do better. I walked through a paralyzing fear. But what now? Yeah, physical pain is still here and it will be with me for quite awhile. But I cannot push aside my emotions beforehand.
This last month I have felt gratitude, love, pain, weakness, anger, peace, empowerment....Still trying to sort it all out. I mention God a lot more than ever before. I do feel like I've been through a certain hell. But there are woman that go through what I have done but they also had to battle cancer. Why did I get to dodge that bullet? As Mom titled this blog, As Designed By God! This is for sure. HE sees the big picture. Again, I'm just trying to sort it all out.
Bless you all, Janeen
Friday, October 7, 2011
What's up?
Hello everyone,
I feel like I woke up today and tides had turned a bit in my favor. My energy level still sucks. I'm so tired all the time, but my pain level today is actually better. Mom watched Jack for a bit and I told her that I feel like I have real deep bruises now and the burning isn't as bad. Moving is still difficult but I'm walking a bit straighter and a little faster. yeah me! Jack hit me again in the chest tonight....this makes number 3 or 4 now. My skin still feels thick and fake and it's dry. Lovely. But all this time now...I'm finally seeing some light.
Was able to take a walk with Jack tonight. Didn't want to go to the park because of all the rain, so we walked until he saw that the garbage trucks were still collecting trash. He went nuts. My boy loves trucks; bigger the better. He ran, I hobbled as fast as I could and we waved to the same guy in his truck 3 different times. After that, Jack said, "let's go home."
Exhausting.
I'll be at 4 weeks Monday. My head is swirling with all I'm feeling and everyone's continued concern for me and my family.
And lastly, i want to acknowledge that today is the anniversary of my grandmothers passing; Jeanne Elizabeth Butler Straub. To MY Mom, be well today. I love you.
Janeen
I feel like I woke up today and tides had turned a bit in my favor. My energy level still sucks. I'm so tired all the time, but my pain level today is actually better. Mom watched Jack for a bit and I told her that I feel like I have real deep bruises now and the burning isn't as bad. Moving is still difficult but I'm walking a bit straighter and a little faster. yeah me! Jack hit me again in the chest tonight....this makes number 3 or 4 now. My skin still feels thick and fake and it's dry. Lovely. But all this time now...I'm finally seeing some light.
Was able to take a walk with Jack tonight. Didn't want to go to the park because of all the rain, so we walked until he saw that the garbage trucks were still collecting trash. He went nuts. My boy loves trucks; bigger the better. He ran, I hobbled as fast as I could and we waved to the same guy in his truck 3 different times. After that, Jack said, "let's go home."
Exhausting.
I'll be at 4 weeks Monday. My head is swirling with all I'm feeling and everyone's continued concern for me and my family.
And lastly, i want to acknowledge that today is the anniversary of my grandmothers passing; Jeanne Elizabeth Butler Straub. To MY Mom, be well today. I love you.
Janeen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)