Christmas Pictures 2011

A few Christmas pictures.

Our dinner table...

Santa came to Anni's house and brought

Jack his very own Escalade.

Jack asked for a car and a guitar. 

Here he is with his new guitar.

We had a blessed holiday and Jack, even though he didn't feel well,

had a wonderful Christmas.

Best wishes to you all for 2012.

Love, Barb

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Wow, what a Christmas we had this year.  Baby Nack was a little under the weather but he rallied and enjoyed himself with family and.....Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus!  Yep, Santa showed up at my house Christmas Eve early, the adults had just started eating, so Baby Nack entertained Santa and the Mrs. while we finished our dinner.  It really was very funny as we knew they probably didn't understand a thing he said.  I don't know how to drop in pictures so I will leave that for Janeen to share, but we took over 400 pictures that night. NO, you don't need to look at all of them but we did get some keepers.

There was so much joy. So many reasons to rejoice and celebrate the birth of Christ.  We were on a tight schedule due to mass being at 9:00 p.m. so we let Jack open his gifts from Santa and off to church we went.  He was tired and mass started....and after the opening prayer the congregation says " Amen ".  The priest goes over to sit down, you could hear a pin drop and Jack yells out, " aMEN".  The whole church started laughing and Jack was removed to the children's quiet room. Christmas mass is always my favorite part of Christmas Eve since I was a child, so sitting in church that night my 2011 Christmas Eve was completed and it was a huge accomplishment. All the work gone in to making the house a Christmas wonderland was worth it.  Christmas morning we went to Janeen's. Jack was still not feeling very good but again he rallied until finally he said, " mommy, to much".  He was done opening presents and I don't blame him.  It was way to much, note to self and all family members.  Grandmoe, BoBo, Uncle D and myself went our merry ways only to gather once again Christmas night at Darren's house.  You guessed it, more gifts to open and again Jack said, " Anni, to much ". All the Christmas pit stops looked amazing and the food delicious but over kill on the gift giving for Baby Nack.  Donations will be made this week to children less fortunate. 

I wish to thank all of you who remembered us in your own special way and tell you that I love you and wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I also ask please continue praying for Janeen.  The start of the new year also means to us, another surgery is that much closer.  Maybe, if you find a spare moment you'll pray my damn foot will heal so I can take care of Janeen and Jack.  I'll keep you posted once the ball is in motion again.  Til then, stay healthy, happy and help somebody in need.  Great way to start a new year.

Love to all,
Barb

Merry Almost Christmas

Good Evening Everyone,

I had a lovely dinner tonight with my friends and Jack is spending the night at Anni's house.  I ordered Christmas cards this year and got caught in the companies printing and shipping errors....so I intend to get them out as soon as I receive them.  Perhaps it'll be by New Year's.  But here are the pictures I chose in case you don't get our card. 

                                   Me and my baby doing pretty good after a trying few months.

I've been feeling better.  I know this situation has been more mentally challenging for me than physically.  The return to the gym has been helpful.  I am sleeping better.  Still not as many hours as I would like but at this point I'll take anything.  I was pretty exhausted there for awhile.  I know I've been short and snappy with people and I don't mean to be.  There's no excuse.  I need to check myself.  I've been surrounded by constant love and I let my pissy mood get in the way of this.  It's just my anxiety is already on high alert.  As much as I'd like to change, it's very hard to turn around my reactive behavior in just a few months.  Again, I seem to be consumed by what lies ahead.

Last week, my Mom made me two acupuncture appointments and they did seem to help.  I got a terrible pain in my left hand then it travelled to my left ribs, then this explosion around my left ovary area.  I believe in alternative medicine and I do respond to acupuncture and why I didn't think of it before, I don't know.  I actually made an appointment for mom for her feet and she turned around and made my appoinments.  We always want to fix each other.  Also very interesting, my right forearm for days has been very itchy.  I feel like I have an ant crawling on my arm or something is touching me.  I told my acupucturist and she said that area correlates to the breast area.  Uh, hello.  It's better now.  Cannot have another treatment until after the holidays, so I'll give it another go after the first of the year.

I know what has me all pissy and that's the other surgeries.  I'm NOT ready to turn into an old lady.  I'm just 42.  I don't want this.  I don't want to continue with the partial hysterectomy.  Since my next breast surgery will probably be in February, I will go ahead and get another CA-125 and ultrasound around the same time and buy myself a few more months.  As long as everything is still OK.  The CA-125 can throw off false positives for ovarian cancer but it's the best marker they have right now.  I've been able to solely focus on the north of me, I haven't had to think about the south.  But this fricking ugly gene I have gives me no choice.  Oh, F-U BRCA! 

My son continues to ask to see my scars for himself rather than take my word for it that I still have boo-boos.  He likes to say, "come here little....(whatever)" so I had taken a shower the other night and we were on my bed.  He said, "Mommy all better?"  I sort of hem-ha around and he said, "I like to see."  So I showed him that all the red lines are my boo-boos and he cannot charge at me like a bull.  So he cups his hand and says, "Come here little boobies."  I said, "Well they aren't going to come to you."  And then he said, "Oh Mommy, they're so cute." 

God comes to us in many forms.  Maybe it takes a 2 year old to convince me it's going to be alright?  My mom has sure been trying.  Her love and support is unwaivering.  She's around me and continues to support me even when I think she's had enough.  She's amazed at my progress and how I look.   As for my son, his humor and love definitely keep me laughing.  He has been my greatest gift.  The joy he brings to everyone is the best present.  It's time to sit back and enjoy.  Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!

With Love, Janeen & Jack

     

Hi Again: Here's An Update...

This is a twenty-something me with my girl in Florence.

Remembering my Bellarose today.  She passed away 12/9/2006 from cancer when she was 13 years old.

I miss my Bella.  We'll always have Italy.

December 9, 2011

I never knew back then how my life would unfold.  None of us do really.  Some people say that's half the fun.  My road travelled thus far has been full of many blessing, set backs, heartache, love and self discovery.  I always have considered myself a work in progress.  

I've had a few emotional weeks and a lot of sleepless nights, which doesn't help.  But I did start back at the gym and I'm hoping it will help my mood and my sleep.  I applaud those that can recover and just get on with it.  I seem to do OK, then I stummble and I find that I just have to cry when I want to cry.  A TV personality has decided to have a bilateral mastectomy to eradicate her cancer and in an article regarding her story someone wrote, "that woman tend to bounce back rather quickly after a mastectomy."  Guess I didn't get that memo when I left the hospital.

I can't believe the holidays are here.  I thought we were going to have a low-key Christmas but Mom's been decorating her house since Thanksgiving and it's all for a little guy we all know and LOVE.  You see awhile ago he just broke out in song.  He started with "tinkle-tinkle little star" then "itsy-bitsy-spider" so I started singing Christmas songs to the boy and he hasn't let up.  We sing Christmas songs every night.  For this, Mom thought that Jack, only two, "gets it" and so he needed a winter wonderland.  So if any of you are in the area, stop over to Mom's house and check it out.  Jack LOVES it and told his Anni, "Thank you Anni.  This is all for me and it's all brand-spankin new."  No joke, his words! 

At our house I did my standard Charlie Brown tree, which turned out lovely, but my aunt had an 8 foot tree delivered to the house a few days ago.  I knew it was coming and I swore Jack didn't need another tree.  Wrong again!  Anni stayed over Thursday night while I got my hair done (long overdue) and decorated this tree with Jack.  When I got home I walked in to see the happiest little boy.  The tree is beautiful and Jack couldn't be more excited.  Holidays are for children.  They really do bring out the best in all of us.  You see a child with pure joy on there face.....it's heaven.  Thank you Mom for making our houses so beautiful!!!

Jack seeing Anni's house for the first time.

Jack's BIG tree.

Thanks again everyone for continuing to check in with me and my family. 

Mom, please rest now and just enjoy all that you have done.

Peace and Love,

Janeen

God's Answer

God only gives three answers to prayers.

1.) Yes

2.) Not Yet

And

3.) I have something better in mind.



Janeen

Happy Thanksgiving

I had Mom over for dinner tonight. We ate at my decorated Thanksgiving table even though we will not be here at my house for Thanksgiving Day. As thankful as I am, I am also quite anxious for the holidays and I feel like I need to get rid of all the fall and make my house into some sort of winter wonderland now. I will be putting up my Charlie Brown tree, but my Mom and Aunt have other plans...I am leaving all of those details to them.

Is it a good thing that I have lost track of what week I'm at now? I'm absolutely feeling better, but I find myself at times still not believing that I have had a double mastectomy. I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off just yet. It's difficult to feel real feminine. And the fact that I wore an old pair of maternity sweatpants the other day doesn't help with feeling so feminine, but they are so comfortable. I have a new body, clothes fit differently and pieces of me will continue to change so it's all very weird. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but this has been a theme in my life. Just taking it all in. One day at a time. My boobs will not define me, but taking someone like me, who's always had body issues and then this happens......light bulb moment here....God's life lesson for me: acceptance. When I feel myself drifting away from my lessons and getting stuck in the absurd, I have to reel myself in and remind myself that I have been given this opportunity; this gift. I have had a physical change but I still think I got slammed in the face with a huge life lesson. When you can't change your situation, you gotta change your attitude. This isn't about the physical; it's all mental. I have to practice what I'm writing here. I get caught up in the physical because it's what we all see. Why do I get sucked into that 1% thinking? This is all we perceive with our five senses. On the other side of that curtain is the 99%. Nothing happens suddenly. Note to self: we are all more than our physical being.

Thanks for listening once again. I wish everybody a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for you all.

Bless you,

Janeen

November 12, 2010

One year ago today I got my BRCA results. What a difference a year makes. My Mom was in Hawaii and I was walking into Hoag to see a genetic counselor.

A year has already gone by and I'm already 2 months into the healing part from my surgery. I met with D. Orringer last week and we are already in talks for my next surgery. I will wait until the first part of the new year. It may be a 4-6 hour surgery. Won't even try to compare the two procedures. I was feeling a little blue for various reasons, but just feeling better and yet knowing I have to do this again, so soon. I knew going into this it would be about a year process total. And yet this year flew by.

Need to stay in the NOW. Count my blessings. Continue to embrace all the love I have received. Continue to love my Lovey and puggies. Thank God for my family and friends.

Again I am humbled by this experience, but it's not over. Gotta dig myself out of the blues when it hits. And if I have some trouble doing this, there's always Mom. I think my emotional ebb and flow is normal. I think having the periodic blues just goes along with the territory.

For all those continuing to stay in touch, I thank you.

Be well,

Janeen

Well Mom beat me to the punch tonight, but I too wanted to comment on a great day with my Mom. Yes, I'm at 8 weeks today. I still cannot believe 2 months ago tonight I was still in surgery going on hour 15 or so. As a mother myself (still sounds weird) I cannot imagine what my Mom was going through. I'm 42 but I'm still her kid. And as emotional and painful as this journey has been, I would gladly do it all over again as I don't think I could handle this if our roles were reversed.

Looking and feeling so tired I suggested to Mom we go get facials. Of course I'd kill for a massage but that ain't going to happen for a very long while. So we went to The Montage for a late lunch and had a good 'ol Mom and daughter day, like we used to. I DID take a pause before I changed and I admit I did look around to see who was in the changing area. But yes, I did tell Mom tonight that I don't care what anybody thinks about my scars, now or in the future. My doctor says that in time it will look like I had a mommy make-over. But I know the truth. I know what I went through and why. There was an article in a magazine where a woman wrote about being BRCA positive and she went through my same procedure to prevent breast cancer and she referred to herself as a previvor. So when I wrote before I don't know what category I'm in.....I know now. I'm a previvor.

My facial was awesome. Mom came out and I swear it looked like she had just stepped off a plane from Hawaii, all rested and glowing. Then I caught myself in the mirror, and I must say, I looked good. Like some time had been shaved off. I felt bright. I glowed too. It was such a wonderful rejuvenation. Never did I think I would even feel slightly comfortable enough to do this. Now I was very aware of my surroundings and for a Monday there were quite a few women there. But I figure the more I move forward I will continue to have emotional healing as well as physical. We are all going to be thrown a situation in our lives that will make us kick and scream, some of us may get a few of these, but it's the way in which we handle the situation that makes for the best outcome. And so today I handled it with a facial and a martini.

Spending time with my Mom outside of hospitals and doctor offices was so refreshing. And Jack got to spend quality time with his uncle. The time I get with my loved ones is what's most important. You can't buy time. You have to be able to give it AND receive it. I know thanksgiving is still a few weeks away, but I don't need just one day to give thanks.

I am blessed, thankful and hey Mom, I'm HAPPY! I love you.

Love, janeen

Beautiful Day

Hello everyone....today was a BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!  You all know by now, it was 8 weeks ago I sat in a hospital worried sick over my daughter in an operating room.  Although I had Darren beside me, it was one of the longest days of my life.  Today, as I sat with my daughter at The Montage, having lunch and taking in the view of our beautiful coastline both of us reflected back to September 12, 2011.  It has ONLY been 8 weeks but today it seemed like years ago.  We were back having our mom/daughter day and it was Janeen's idea.  Darren watched Jack so we could have some girlie time and it was wonderful.  Now, for the best part.  We went to the spa and had facials.  If you had asked me 2 months ago did I think Janeen would go into a spa and disrobe for a proceedure, I would have said, " NO WAY"!  Well she did and the best part for me was to hear her say, " I no longer care about my scars, I've earned every one ".  I had to fight back the tears.  Both of us came out of our respective treatments glowing.  Truly, we BOTH looked younger, or that's what we told each other.  So that called for a cocktail.  One phone call to Uncle D to see if everything was under control at home, ( it was ) and we headed for the lounge and a Martini.  We felt like the piano player was playing just for us and we were both so relaxed.  I could have sat there for hours but reality set in and it was time to come home.

Our thoughts were with Annette who we figured is about 2 1/2 weeks post op.  She's hurting bad right about now....we can't forget to continue praying for her.  I hope Janeen will make contact with her again real soon.

So, we took time for us today, hope all of you still following this journey will take some time for yourself and have a Beautiful Day too.  So much to be thankful for, go celebrate!

Barb

Happy Halloween

Another week anniversary, week 7 and it's Halloween. I never thought I'd be taking Jack out for trick-or-treating, but I did. Uncle Darren and Uncle Jerry went too. Jack's Anni and Uncle D surprised us with dressing as Fred and Wilma Flintstone. I laughed so hard it hurt. I swear tonight was so fun and I was hurting and still burning, but because I was doubled over laughing all night. I never could have imagined this a month ago. I would love to post a picture but I think if I do, I may be disowned?

My aunt and a wonderful neighbor came over tonight as well, both breast cancer survivors. And today is the last day of October, which as we all know is breast cancer awareness month. My mom bought me two beautiful bracelets to commemorate this month and said I too was a breast cancer survivor, which I don't think I am. I think I just beat cancer before it beat me! I don't know, I feel conflicted with what category I fit into. If a category is even important.

Getting back into the swing of things. I feel overwhelmed that the holidays are right around the corner and I'm still fairly tired. I started taking naps with Jack when I first got home from the hospital because I missed him so much, and we just cuddled and held hands. Well, he's fine napping in his room when I'm not here, but I still take advantage of my cuddle time when I can. Of course, I could be doing more with that time, like laundry or cleaning, but how can I pass up holding that little hand? Most times I just rest my eyes and stare at my beautiful boy. He has a way with opening your heart. There is a rejuvenated joy in my family now.

Gods plan for me turned my world upside down. It threw us all for a loop. I believe this is why HE graced me with Jack before BRCA.

Hope everyone had a safe evening. There is joy in my house.

Love, Janeen