So I don't want to be all dramatic, but I cannot help but be reminded what I was feeling just 4 short weeks ago and yet at that time I could not even imagine one day after surgery. I was just hoping to wake up. To all of you that were on the receiving end of my shortness before September 12, it's because I was just so scared. I had done all the doctor appointments and got a clean bill of health, but there was something nagging me...it was fear. And that fear spoke to me every night. It said, " this may be the last time you see this person.". It said, "this may be the last time you do....." whatever it was I was doing. But the most painful part was having to say goodbye to Jack on September 11. My heart was broken. It killed me. I didn't want to scare him so I tried to control my tears, but I was dying inside. I knew I had to trust my doctors. They would never perform such a surgery if they thought I would be at risk. I had to trust that those looking after Jack would keep him safe. At this time the longest I had ever been away from Jack was 2 days and he was with my Mom. I knew I had to trust God and have faith, but I really didn't. I think I was so numb to what I was doing and what was happening. I really don't think I walked into the hospital that morning at 5 am feeling anything but fear. It had such a grip on me. And yet I had SO many people praying for me and my family. And God knew the outcome. I wanted to say a prayer beforehand and yet once I got that first injection in my IV, I remember nothing. I don't remember talking to my doctors, my Mom, my brother, nothing. Did I say, "I love you?". Mom says yes, I did. Maybe having no memory is a good thing? When I woke up I apparently asked Darren, "Who won the game?" and I do remember a dream where I was packing. I told my Mom this, and she said, "because I told you to go to a happy place, Hawaii." as I was passing out. How weird our subconscious is.
I thought about writing a letter to Jack just in case, but then I thought I might be jinxing my luck. I wanted to say to everyone I saw before my surgery how much I love them, but was afraid everyone would think I was being over dramatic. So if I saw you, I probably cried after, on my own. Does everyone know what they mean to me? Did I have time to right my wrongs? Had a been a good enough Mom to Jack so far in his young life? Was I spiritual at all? Was I a fraud? Was I the person I really want to be?
I'm still swirling and thinking of these questions. I am different. I want to be better, and do better. I walked through a paralyzing fear. But what now? Yeah, physical pain is still here and it will be with me for quite awhile. But I cannot push aside my emotions beforehand.
This last month I have felt gratitude, love, pain, weakness, anger, peace, empowerment....Still trying to sort it all out. I mention God a lot more than ever before. I do feel like I've been through a certain hell. But there are woman that go through what I have done but they also had to battle cancer. Why did I get to dodge that bullet? As Mom titled this blog, As Designed By God! This is for sure. HE sees the big picture. Again, I'm just trying to sort it all out.
Bless you all, Janeen
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
What's up?
Hello everyone,
I feel like I woke up today and tides had turned a bit in my favor. My energy level still sucks. I'm so tired all the time, but my pain level today is actually better. Mom watched Jack for a bit and I told her that I feel like I have real deep bruises now and the burning isn't as bad. Moving is still difficult but I'm walking a bit straighter and a little faster. yeah me! Jack hit me again in the chest tonight....this makes number 3 or 4 now. My skin still feels thick and fake and it's dry. Lovely. But all this time now...I'm finally seeing some light.
Was able to take a walk with Jack tonight. Didn't want to go to the park because of all the rain, so we walked until he saw that the garbage trucks were still collecting trash. He went nuts. My boy loves trucks; bigger the better. He ran, I hobbled as fast as I could and we waved to the same guy in his truck 3 different times. After that, Jack said, "let's go home."
Exhausting.
I'll be at 4 weeks Monday. My head is swirling with all I'm feeling and everyone's continued concern for me and my family.
And lastly, i want to acknowledge that today is the anniversary of my grandmothers passing; Jeanne Elizabeth Butler Straub. To MY Mom, be well today. I love you.
Janeen
I feel like I woke up today and tides had turned a bit in my favor. My energy level still sucks. I'm so tired all the time, but my pain level today is actually better. Mom watched Jack for a bit and I told her that I feel like I have real deep bruises now and the burning isn't as bad. Moving is still difficult but I'm walking a bit straighter and a little faster. yeah me! Jack hit me again in the chest tonight....this makes number 3 or 4 now. My skin still feels thick and fake and it's dry. Lovely. But all this time now...I'm finally seeing some light.
Was able to take a walk with Jack tonight. Didn't want to go to the park because of all the rain, so we walked until he saw that the garbage trucks were still collecting trash. He went nuts. My boy loves trucks; bigger the better. He ran, I hobbled as fast as I could and we waved to the same guy in his truck 3 different times. After that, Jack said, "let's go home."
Exhausting.
I'll be at 4 weeks Monday. My head is swirling with all I'm feeling and everyone's continued concern for me and my family.
And lastly, i want to acknowledge that today is the anniversary of my grandmothers passing; Jeanne Elizabeth Butler Straub. To MY Mom, be well today. I love you.
Janeen
Letter to BRCA
Dear BRCA,
I'm Janeen,a new client of yours. Was just wondering, you've taken my breasts, my nipples; you'll be taking my fallopian tubes and ovaries soon..is this enough for you? I mean with all the other cancers that I am at risk for because of a BRCA2 gene mutation, I think this is enough. I know I've had you all my life but we really just got acquainted almost a year ago. So you got that too, my time. We both know you'll have me for about another year, but then we are done.
Oh I'm not forgetting my many blessings, but can't help that I've been feeling a bit pissed off. Hear me loud and clear, you don't get the right to mess with my future.
I think you have destroyed many people's lives. I also think you wake people up. I get it, I'm awake! And I believe with Gods grace I will soon be done with you. Oh, I know you'll be with me forever, but I will not give you anymore pieces of me. You will not cloud my heart and my mind. You're not worth it. You've caused enough pain, both physical and emotional to me, my family and my friends.
Maybe now I can have a peaceful sleep. Feels good to get that off my chest, no pun intended.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm Janeen,a new client of yours. Was just wondering, you've taken my breasts, my nipples; you'll be taking my fallopian tubes and ovaries soon..is this enough for you? I mean with all the other cancers that I am at risk for because of a BRCA2 gene mutation, I think this is enough. I know I've had you all my life but we really just got acquainted almost a year ago. So you got that too, my time. We both know you'll have me for about another year, but then we are done.
Oh I'm not forgetting my many blessings, but can't help that I've been feeling a bit pissed off. Hear me loud and clear, you don't get the right to mess with my future.
I think you have destroyed many people's lives. I also think you wake people up. I get it, I'm awake! And I believe with Gods grace I will soon be done with you. Oh, I know you'll be with me forever, but I will not give you anymore pieces of me. You will not cloud my heart and my mind. You're not worth it. You've caused enough pain, both physical and emotional to me, my family and my friends.
Maybe now I can have a peaceful sleep. Feels good to get that off my chest, no pun intended.
Sincerely,
Me
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Dr. Oz tweet today
Just read a tweet from Dr. Oz. He was tweeting about Steve Jobs, an absolute visionary that changed the world and past away from pancreatic cancer. Dr. Oz tweeted information today about pancreatic cancer. And yes those with a BRCA2 gene mutation have a higher risk of this cancer. I put out this information a few posts ago. Just want to reinterate to those that are BRCA2 positive. I feel like I have dodged a bullet. How lucky can I be? I'm still fearful but as Steve Jobs said, "...having the energy to go ahead,right alongside fear."
Ignorance was bliss! I have so much information now, I have to stay proactive with my health. But having this nasty gene is a constant reminder that my risk is higher than you.
So how am I feeling? Same complaints. It is what it is! Need time.
Janeen
Ignorance was bliss! I have so much information now, I have to stay proactive with my health. But having this nasty gene is a constant reminder that my risk is higher than you.
So how am I feeling? Same complaints. It is what it is! Need time.
Janeen
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Blog Problems Believed To Be Fixed
To all of you who have tried to leave comments on Janeen's blog and were unable to do so, I believe Darren has solved the problem. Blogspot added a new spam filter system on their service and it was not compatible with the way we set up this blog originally. So, now when you wish to comment, hit the word comment under the new posting and you will get a pop-up space to say whatever it is that you wish to say. Type your comment, add your Name Only in the space provided (leave URL vacant), preview/edit and you should be good. Good Luck!!!!
Today Janeen and I went bra shopping. Not for your regular sexy bra but not a boulder holder either. We found the perfect mastectomy bra for her and it is really pretty. The one we bought at St.John's upon discharge was ugly and huge...it just hung on her. Swelling has gone down and she has lost weight so the utility bra was useless. So she was fitted today with a proper fitting bra and belly band. These articles allow her to stand up straighter and give her the support she has been lacking. It is my belief that some of the burning she is experiencing is due to slouching in order to protect herself and her muscles are screaming for her to relax. I think a good Martini and a Xanax accompanied by her new under garments and she will feel much better.
About Me.....infection in left leg is slowly going away and I learned today I have two heel bone spurs, one in the bottom of my heel and the other in the back of my heel. These are on my right foot. So this is why I can't walk. Looks like more foot surgery for me...someday?/!@
Thank you Jess and Maxine for dinner tonight. It was so appreciated and helped both of us out more than you'll ever know. We're both losing weight. Janeen doesn't care about eating and I can't get to the food. What a pair we are but I wouldn't change a thing even if I could.
Pistol Pete (Jack) spent the night with me last evening. He cried, he wanted to come home with me so badly. He said to Janeen, " mom, go to your room and rest!" " I'm going home with anni". We got home and he ran ahead to my bed and by the time I hobbled in there, he was sitting in my bed and said, " let's party!" I swear to you I thought I was going to die laughing. What would Janeen and I do without Baby Nack???
Love to all and we hope to hear from you when you have time to keep in touch.
Barb
Today Janeen and I went bra shopping. Not for your regular sexy bra but not a boulder holder either. We found the perfect mastectomy bra for her and it is really pretty. The one we bought at St.John's upon discharge was ugly and huge...it just hung on her. Swelling has gone down and she has lost weight so the utility bra was useless. So she was fitted today with a proper fitting bra and belly band. These articles allow her to stand up straighter and give her the support she has been lacking. It is my belief that some of the burning she is experiencing is due to slouching in order to protect herself and her muscles are screaming for her to relax. I think a good Martini and a Xanax accompanied by her new under garments and she will feel much better.
About Me.....infection in left leg is slowly going away and I learned today I have two heel bone spurs, one in the bottom of my heel and the other in the back of my heel. These are on my right foot. So this is why I can't walk. Looks like more foot surgery for me...someday?/!@
Thank you Jess and Maxine for dinner tonight. It was so appreciated and helped both of us out more than you'll ever know. We're both losing weight. Janeen doesn't care about eating and I can't get to the food. What a pair we are but I wouldn't change a thing even if I could.
Pistol Pete (Jack) spent the night with me last evening. He cried, he wanted to come home with me so badly. He said to Janeen, " mom, go to your room and rest!" " I'm going home with anni". We got home and he ran ahead to my bed and by the time I hobbled in there, he was sitting in my bed and said, " let's party!" I swear to you I thought I was going to die laughing. What would Janeen and I do without Baby Nack???
Love to all and we hope to hear from you when you have time to keep in touch.
Barb
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
A Little Background
My last doctor visit I was asked if I would speak to a woman having my same procedure in the next few weeks. I was shocked and honored that they felt I was improving so well, that I could share a bit of my experience. I spoke to her today and I felt that perhaps I should write about it as well. I know I have family and friends checking in and reading this blog but since I do not have thousands of friends, I think there may be some strangers reading this and if I can help....here it goes.
Getting a BRCA (1 or 2) diagnosis is startling to say the least. I didn't even know what it meant. I met with a genetic counselor and although she was very nice and was there to answer questions, I didn't even know what to ask. She handed me information for a hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy. All I could think of was, "What the hell is happeneing, I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!" Little did I know that it wasn't a matter of IF I got cancer, it was a matter of WHEN.
After crying for hours I called my primary physician, Dr. Jon Cole as well as my gynocologist Dr. Jon Wheeler. I met with them both and they agreed, yes, I needed to address this and soon.
I am BRCA 2 positive. I was born with this gene; a glitch in my DNA. I am thankful I live in a time where a simple albeit expensive blood test can tell me what my future would hold. Something I was also shocked about it that this gene is from my father's side. Most people think you can only get breast cancer if your mother or a female in your family has had cancer. My father is also BRCA positive; even though he has not been tested, you get 50% of your genes from your father and 50% from your mother. My patrnal grandmother had breast cancer in her 30's and my father's sister got breast cancer at 41. These ages are two red flags! Her daughter, my cousin, is also BRCA 2 positive. So there is a chance that my brother may also be positive and that I have passed this gene to my son. A BRCA positive gene for a man gives them a higher chance of breast cancer too as well as prostate cancer.
A BRCA 1 diagnosis has a greater focus on ovarian cancer along with breast cancer. A BRCA 2 diagnosis has a greater focus on breast cancer, and then ovarian cancer.
So now that I have had my bilateral mastectomy, I do have to address my ovaries. This will be next year as I cannot even image yet another surgery right now. I still have a few surgeries to complete my breast reconstruction. As I have written, what I am feeling now, I do not want anyone to touch me right now.
Dr. Jon Cole is an amazing doctor who always gives me so much time. He met with me initially and he said, "You are NOT getting cancer." He gave me referrals and I was on my way to look for my "team." And you do need a team. I had one nurse tell me, "Oh you just find a plastic surgeon and you"ll be fine." Uh, NOT. This is no slam dunk. I also heard from another doctor that she would have me in and out in 3 hours. This was a mastectomy with implants.
I met with Dr. Robert Cole, yes they are brothers. He is a general surgeon and a great one at that. He removed a melanoma for me years ago and I knew he was going to be my surgeon. I met with various plastic surgeons in Orange County as well as Los Angeles. I just didn't find a good fit with doctors in my home area, OC. Or if I liked one doctor I didn't care for who they worked with. Then again on the advice of Jon Cole, I met Dr. Jay Orringer, my plastic surgeon. He was the only doctor that offered a DIEP flap. This is where they take your own tissue for immediate reconstruction. Initially he said it would be a 10-12 hour surgery. I thought OMG, I DON'T HAVE CANCER, this isn't necessary. But after much consideration and meeting with even more doctors, who didn't perform this surgery said, that I would be a good candidate for it, if I found a doctor good enough to do it. I needed doctors that had done this thousands of times. And Dr. Orringer was my guy.
Dr. Orringer also felt that I needed a microsurgeon on my team. He is the one that reconnects all of my blood vessels after the tissue transfer. And this amazing man is Dr. Jay Granzow. He is so accredited it's stunning. When I met with Dr. Granzow, he agreed with Dr. Orringer and thought the DIEP flap would be the best FOR ME.
I was diagnosed with BRCA in November 2010. I was on the fast track because I'm a single parent to at that time a 17 mos. old boy. My head was spinning, meeting with doctors, having a breast MRI, then another mammogram. I also had to address my ovaries, so I had to have blood tests, CA-125 in particular (which throws off false positives) but both times they came back negative. My next CA-125 be will in February next year. I also had to continue meeting with my gynocologist and had vaginal ultrasounds. I also had to have a hysteroscopy before my breast surgery. I still have to be monitored until I address my ovaries. I was also taking the birth control pill again as per my oncologist to protect my ovaries, but had to get off that a few weeks before my surgery so that I didn't get a blood clot. It was just one thing after another and constant monitoring. I was supposed to have surgery in February 2011 and after numerous panic attacks I knew I wasn't ready. So although I was already living with doctors, I needed more time. So I chose to continue being monitored which meant I had to repeat many of the same tests.
September 12, 2011 ended up being my surgery date and I knew it was time. My 10-12 hour, then 15 hour surgery, ended up being 18 and 1/2 hours. I will forver be grateful to Dr. Robert Cole, Dr. Jay Orringer, Dr. Jay Granzow and all the doctors and nurses and staff at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica.
A BRCA diagnosis is not to be taken lightly. Again while I did not and do not have cancer I have a wonderful oncologist that has made me aware of other cancers because of the BRCA, one being pancreatic cancer. I will continue to have my pancreas checked every year and I will also have to be diligent with colon screening (I've already had 2 colonoscopies). Please don't listen to what the news says about cancer screening and the ages you need to start getting monitored. If you have a gut feeling or have a history in your family, take control and do something about it.
I have said a lot tonight and this is still just the cliff notes of my year. I never thought that this would be my movie. Some have called me pro-active and brave and gutzy. But really I'm just a Mom who wants to continue being a Mom. And I also have a pretty tough Mom who would kick my ass if I decided to stick my head in the sand. For anyone newly diagnosed with BRCA, take charge. You can make a difference. F*^#k Cancer. Believe me, if I can do this, so can you. You are not alone.
God Bless You, Janeen
Getting a BRCA (1 or 2) diagnosis is startling to say the least. I didn't even know what it meant. I met with a genetic counselor and although she was very nice and was there to answer questions, I didn't even know what to ask. She handed me information for a hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy. All I could think of was, "What the hell is happeneing, I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!" Little did I know that it wasn't a matter of IF I got cancer, it was a matter of WHEN.
After crying for hours I called my primary physician, Dr. Jon Cole as well as my gynocologist Dr. Jon Wheeler. I met with them both and they agreed, yes, I needed to address this and soon.
I am BRCA 2 positive. I was born with this gene; a glitch in my DNA. I am thankful I live in a time where a simple albeit expensive blood test can tell me what my future would hold. Something I was also shocked about it that this gene is from my father's side. Most people think you can only get breast cancer if your mother or a female in your family has had cancer. My father is also BRCA positive; even though he has not been tested, you get 50% of your genes from your father and 50% from your mother. My patrnal grandmother had breast cancer in her 30's and my father's sister got breast cancer at 41. These ages are two red flags! Her daughter, my cousin, is also BRCA 2 positive. So there is a chance that my brother may also be positive and that I have passed this gene to my son. A BRCA positive gene for a man gives them a higher chance of breast cancer too as well as prostate cancer.
A BRCA 1 diagnosis has a greater focus on ovarian cancer along with breast cancer. A BRCA 2 diagnosis has a greater focus on breast cancer, and then ovarian cancer.
So now that I have had my bilateral mastectomy, I do have to address my ovaries. This will be next year as I cannot even image yet another surgery right now. I still have a few surgeries to complete my breast reconstruction. As I have written, what I am feeling now, I do not want anyone to touch me right now.
Dr. Jon Cole is an amazing doctor who always gives me so much time. He met with me initially and he said, "You are NOT getting cancer." He gave me referrals and I was on my way to look for my "team." And you do need a team. I had one nurse tell me, "Oh you just find a plastic surgeon and you"ll be fine." Uh, NOT. This is no slam dunk. I also heard from another doctor that she would have me in and out in 3 hours. This was a mastectomy with implants.
I met with Dr. Robert Cole, yes they are brothers. He is a general surgeon and a great one at that. He removed a melanoma for me years ago and I knew he was going to be my surgeon. I met with various plastic surgeons in Orange County as well as Los Angeles. I just didn't find a good fit with doctors in my home area, OC. Or if I liked one doctor I didn't care for who they worked with. Then again on the advice of Jon Cole, I met Dr. Jay Orringer, my plastic surgeon. He was the only doctor that offered a DIEP flap. This is where they take your own tissue for immediate reconstruction. Initially he said it would be a 10-12 hour surgery. I thought OMG, I DON'T HAVE CANCER, this isn't necessary. But after much consideration and meeting with even more doctors, who didn't perform this surgery said, that I would be a good candidate for it, if I found a doctor good enough to do it. I needed doctors that had done this thousands of times. And Dr. Orringer was my guy.
Dr. Orringer also felt that I needed a microsurgeon on my team. He is the one that reconnects all of my blood vessels after the tissue transfer. And this amazing man is Dr. Jay Granzow. He is so accredited it's stunning. When I met with Dr. Granzow, he agreed with Dr. Orringer and thought the DIEP flap would be the best FOR ME.
I was diagnosed with BRCA in November 2010. I was on the fast track because I'm a single parent to at that time a 17 mos. old boy. My head was spinning, meeting with doctors, having a breast MRI, then another mammogram. I also had to address my ovaries, so I had to have blood tests, CA-125 in particular (which throws off false positives) but both times they came back negative. My next CA-125 be will in February next year. I also had to continue meeting with my gynocologist and had vaginal ultrasounds. I also had to have a hysteroscopy before my breast surgery. I still have to be monitored until I address my ovaries. I was also taking the birth control pill again as per my oncologist to protect my ovaries, but had to get off that a few weeks before my surgery so that I didn't get a blood clot. It was just one thing after another and constant monitoring. I was supposed to have surgery in February 2011 and after numerous panic attacks I knew I wasn't ready. So although I was already living with doctors, I needed more time. So I chose to continue being monitored which meant I had to repeat many of the same tests.
September 12, 2011 ended up being my surgery date and I knew it was time. My 10-12 hour, then 15 hour surgery, ended up being 18 and 1/2 hours. I will forver be grateful to Dr. Robert Cole, Dr. Jay Orringer, Dr. Jay Granzow and all the doctors and nurses and staff at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica.
A BRCA diagnosis is not to be taken lightly. Again while I did not and do not have cancer I have a wonderful oncologist that has made me aware of other cancers because of the BRCA, one being pancreatic cancer. I will continue to have my pancreas checked every year and I will also have to be diligent with colon screening (I've already had 2 colonoscopies). Please don't listen to what the news says about cancer screening and the ages you need to start getting monitored. If you have a gut feeling or have a history in your family, take control and do something about it.
I have said a lot tonight and this is still just the cliff notes of my year. I never thought that this would be my movie. Some have called me pro-active and brave and gutzy. But really I'm just a Mom who wants to continue being a Mom. And I also have a pretty tough Mom who would kick my ass if I decided to stick my head in the sand. For anyone newly diagnosed with BRCA, take charge. You can make a difference. F*^#k Cancer. Believe me, if I can do this, so can you. You are not alone.
God Bless You, Janeen
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's been 3 weeks today!
Cannot believe three weeks ago today I was having surgery. So after an exhausting Friday of having my drainage ball removed and stitches and Mom's doctor appointment, I was too tired to finally shower. So it waited until Saturday. Felt good. Mom took Jack that night so I called it a night very early and was able to sleep in, which was quite nice. The weekend flew by. I am now feeling a burning sensation all on my torso. I know it's due to surgery. A shirt, a sheet, sometimes feels like too much on me. A blanket last night as far too heavy. I was able to sort of lay on my side, kind of, with pillows on either side of me and that gave me some back relief. I realized that I would have to drug myself 24/7 and be in the loopy state to get the relief I'm looking for and since this is not possible, I have to deal with it, work through it and give myself TIME. I am numb but I feel this burning and pressure. It's hard to explain. My skin feels incredibly uncomfortable. It also feels thick. I am still very swollen. I'm happy to report that I'm down 10 lbs so far and Mom is down over 20 lbs. It's called the Stress Diet. I don't recommend it, but it's working. I am trying to eat but nothing sounds that great and some days I get Jack covered and I forget to eat myself. I believe the extra sleep I got on Saturday night helped me a lot. I just want to close my eyes every chance I get so I sleep when Jack sleeps. He tried to cuddle with me last night, but it's still difficult and I'm trying to protect myself, so I feel bad.
So this is where I'm at today. Again, I thank everyone who continues to read this and checks in on me. I have to say if I don't move, I feel OK today, but getting up now to make lunch for Jack. So much for not moving. I have Darren coming over this afternoon to play with my little monkey.
I am getting cabin fever. I drive just little bits, like to moms house and back, but maybe I can have a coffee date with some of you soon. I'll be the one hunched over walking like a troll.
Hope you're all having a great day. Moms at a foot clinic today. I pray she gets some relief.
Sincerely, Janeen
So this is where I'm at today. Again, I thank everyone who continues to read this and checks in on me. I have to say if I don't move, I feel OK today, but getting up now to make lunch for Jack. So much for not moving. I have Darren coming over this afternoon to play with my little monkey.
I am getting cabin fever. I drive just little bits, like to moms house and back, but maybe I can have a coffee date with some of you soon. I'll be the one hunched over walking like a troll.
Hope you're all having a great day. Moms at a foot clinic today. I pray she gets some relief.
Sincerely, Janeen
Friday, September 30, 2011
Feeling a bit more human
Got the last of my balls removed today. Finally. And yes it hurt, but at this point what's new. I got a few more stitches out as well. I cannot even imagine another surgery. But all in time.
I've been writing in my journal and I keep ending each entry with "feeling aggro....Pain this, pain that..." So it'll be 3 weeks this Monday. So yeah, everyone says I look great and I'm doing far more than I ever thought I would be doing at this point, but I'm more exhausted now than when I left the hospital and recovery center. And I think I've been trying to keep up with how everybody thinks I'm doing and so I'm aggro.
I received an email from a friend and former neighbor, who is currently living with cancer, and she wrote about acceptance and how just because you may look good doesn't mean your not hurting. Yes, my spirits are up, especially after today but I hurt every single second of everyday. I know one of my lessons here is patience. Not my strong suit. I don't want you to read this and think I'm sitting here complaining. I do not regret my surgery or the choices I've made...I reduced my chances of getting cancer by 90%. And there are people out there with cancer or some other ailments that live with pain 24/7. I know I will get better. I know I need time, I'm just telling you how I feel. So I don't mean to be difficult to friends and family that want to visit. Nobody can make this better. Nobody can take away my pain. I love you all for your prayers and emails and tweets and phone messages, etc.....but I need time.
To my Mom, my angel.....I love you so much. We certainly are a pair hobbling around these last few weeks together. I know this has been so difficult for you and I know you know physical pain. You give me strength.
To baby Jack....My love. You are so gentle with mommy and her boo-boos. When you lay in bed with me and hold my hand or look over and me and say, "Hi Mommy." it melts my heart. I hope you have no memory of this someday, but I will certainly share this experience with you. You will also know how much we are loved by so many. We are very blessed Jack.
"I am perpetually with you, taking care of you. This is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever-promise.......I am training you to keep your focus on My Presence in the present..." This is just part of a beautiful passage that was given to me today.
Yeah, I'm in training, for sure.
Love, Janeen
I've been writing in my journal and I keep ending each entry with "feeling aggro....Pain this, pain that..." So it'll be 3 weeks this Monday. So yeah, everyone says I look great and I'm doing far more than I ever thought I would be doing at this point, but I'm more exhausted now than when I left the hospital and recovery center. And I think I've been trying to keep up with how everybody thinks I'm doing and so I'm aggro.
I received an email from a friend and former neighbor, who is currently living with cancer, and she wrote about acceptance and how just because you may look good doesn't mean your not hurting. Yes, my spirits are up, especially after today but I hurt every single second of everyday. I know one of my lessons here is patience. Not my strong suit. I don't want you to read this and think I'm sitting here complaining. I do not regret my surgery or the choices I've made...I reduced my chances of getting cancer by 90%. And there are people out there with cancer or some other ailments that live with pain 24/7. I know I will get better. I know I need time, I'm just telling you how I feel. So I don't mean to be difficult to friends and family that want to visit. Nobody can make this better. Nobody can take away my pain. I love you all for your prayers and emails and tweets and phone messages, etc.....but I need time.
To my Mom, my angel.....I love you so much. We certainly are a pair hobbling around these last few weeks together. I know this has been so difficult for you and I know you know physical pain. You give me strength.
To baby Jack....My love. You are so gentle with mommy and her boo-boos. When you lay in bed with me and hold my hand or look over and me and say, "Hi Mommy." it melts my heart. I hope you have no memory of this someday, but I will certainly share this experience with you. You will also know how much we are loved by so many. We are very blessed Jack.
"I am perpetually with you, taking care of you. This is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever-promise.......I am training you to keep your focus on My Presence in the present..." This is just part of a beautiful passage that was given to me today.
Yeah, I'm in training, for sure.
Love, Janeen
Mommy's Balls Gone
I'm Jack! I got to go to LA today with my mommy and my anni. Mommy went to her doctor first and had her last ball taken out. OUCH!!!! She also showed me a really long blue string that her doctor took out of her " boobie"...OUCH!!!! My mommy is the strongest mommy in all the world.
Then anni was next. She went in a room and was gone for what seemed like forever. You know I'm only two so forever is a really long time. Mommy said I had to be quiet because I was in a hospital, but I kept calling, " anni come here!" "Anni come here now!" When she didn't come out I went and knocked on the door and guess what? My anni opened the door and I was so happy to see her. We walked out of the hospital holding hands. We then went to get something to eat and anni bought me a new train set for being such a good boy. I had fun with my to favorite ladies today.
Oh, mommy goes back to her doctor in 1 and 1/2 weeks and anni said they couldn't find the reason for her legs hurting. Don't know what she's going to do, but my mommy is healing just fine.
That's all........Baby Nack!(Jack)
Then anni was next. She went in a room and was gone for what seemed like forever. You know I'm only two so forever is a really long time. Mommy said I had to be quiet because I was in a hospital, but I kept calling, " anni come here!" "Anni come here now!" When she didn't come out I went and knocked on the door and guess what? My anni opened the door and I was so happy to see her. We walked out of the hospital holding hands. We then went to get something to eat and anni bought me a new train set for being such a good boy. I had fun with my to favorite ladies today.
Oh, mommy goes back to her doctor in 1 and 1/2 weeks and anni said they couldn't find the reason for her legs hurting. Don't know what she's going to do, but my mommy is healing just fine.
That's all........Baby Nack!(Jack)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Janeen's Spirits Raised
It has been one hell of a week. Janeen's expectations of herself so unrealisticlly high, one drain still flopping around or tucked into pants, not to mention the pain for which she will only take Tylenol so she can keep up with Jack. It didn't help that I needed to remain off my leg as much as possible so I feel useless. But there is good news and I want to share.
Tomorrow we will go back to St. John's Hospital. We will meet Janeen's doctor there after he gets out of surgery and I have scheduled a vascular study of my legs while we are there. We're gonna kill two birds with one stone. We'll each take our turn watching Jack while the other is being worked on, so how's that for organization? See, where there is a will there is a way!
The next good thing that happened today, Janeen heard from James VanPraagh, New York Times bestselling author of Unfinished Business, Ghosts Among Us, and Talking to Heaven. We met him years ago at John Wayne Airport and we continue to run in to him here in Orange County as well as in Las Vegas. He lectures and conducts seminars around the globe, one seminar in August Janeen and I attended. Janeen has made reference to him in one of her earlier posts, but he wrote her today. He couldn't figure out how to comment which still remains a problem for some but I want to share with you his message to Janeen.
Hi Janeen,
" I just got home from a working trip in Europe and now that I am in front of a working computer, the first thing I am doing is checking in with you. Brian called me while I was in Italy and told me about your surgery. I lit a candle for you in a little chapal on the Amalfi Coast. I am sending you healing energy and lots of love and good wishes for a speedy recovery." xoxo to my Vegas girl.
Janeen has followed James Van Praagh's Inspirational Quotes throughout her journey so it meant the world to her that he has sent healing energy her way and a candle burns for her in her beloved Italy. This my friends put a huge smile on my daughter's face tonight.
A big Thank You to James from the other Vegas girl................Barb
Tomorrow we will go back to St. John's Hospital. We will meet Janeen's doctor there after he gets out of surgery and I have scheduled a vascular study of my legs while we are there. We're gonna kill two birds with one stone. We'll each take our turn watching Jack while the other is being worked on, so how's that for organization? See, where there is a will there is a way!
The next good thing that happened today, Janeen heard from James VanPraagh, New York Times bestselling author of Unfinished Business, Ghosts Among Us, and Talking to Heaven. We met him years ago at John Wayne Airport and we continue to run in to him here in Orange County as well as in Las Vegas. He lectures and conducts seminars around the globe, one seminar in August Janeen and I attended. Janeen has made reference to him in one of her earlier posts, but he wrote her today. He couldn't figure out how to comment which still remains a problem for some but I want to share with you his message to Janeen.
Hi Janeen,
" I just got home from a working trip in Europe and now that I am in front of a working computer, the first thing I am doing is checking in with you. Brian called me while I was in Italy and told me about your surgery. I lit a candle for you in a little chapal on the Amalfi Coast. I am sending you healing energy and lots of love and good wishes for a speedy recovery." xoxo to my Vegas girl.
Janeen has followed James Van Praagh's Inspirational Quotes throughout her journey so it meant the world to her that he has sent healing energy her way and a candle burns for her in her beloved Italy. This my friends put a huge smile on my daughter's face tonight.
A big Thank You to James from the other Vegas girl................Barb
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