Wow, what a Christmas we had this year. Baby Nack was a little under the weather but he rallied and enjoyed himself with family and.....Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus! Yep, Santa showed up at my house Christmas Eve early, the adults had just started eating, so Baby Nack entertained Santa and the Mrs. while we finished our dinner. It really was very funny as we knew they probably didn't understand a thing he said. I don't know how to drop in pictures so I will leave that for Janeen to share, but we took over 400 pictures that night. NO, you don't need to look at all of them but we did get some keepers.
There was so much joy. So many reasons to rejoice and celebrate the birth of Christ. We were on a tight schedule due to mass being at 9:00 p.m. so we let Jack open his gifts from Santa and off to church we went. He was tired and mass started....and after the opening prayer the congregation says " Amen ". The priest goes over to sit down, you could hear a pin drop and Jack yells out, " aMEN". The whole church started laughing and Jack was removed to the children's quiet room. Christmas mass is always my favorite part of Christmas Eve since I was a child, so sitting in church that night my 2011 Christmas Eve was completed and it was a huge accomplishment. All the work gone in to making the house a Christmas wonderland was worth it. Christmas morning we went to Janeen's. Jack was still not feeling very good but again he rallied until finally he said, " mommy, to much". He was done opening presents and I don't blame him. It was way to much, note to self and all family members. Grandmoe, BoBo, Uncle D and myself went our merry ways only to gather once again Christmas night at Darren's house. You guessed it, more gifts to open and again Jack said, " Anni, to much ". All the Christmas pit stops looked amazing and the food delicious but over kill on the gift giving for Baby Nack. Donations will be made this week to children less fortunate.
I wish to thank all of you who remembered us in your own special way and tell you that I love you and wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I also ask please continue praying for Janeen. The start of the new year also means to us, another surgery is that much closer. Maybe, if you find a spare moment you'll pray my damn foot will heal so I can take care of Janeen and Jack. I'll keep you posted once the ball is in motion again. Til then, stay healthy, happy and help somebody in need. Great way to start a new year.
Love to all,
Barb
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Merry Almost Christmas
Good Evening Everyone,
I had a lovely dinner tonight with my friends and Jack is spending the night at Anni's house. I ordered Christmas cards this year and got caught in the companies printing and shipping errors....so I intend to get them out as soon as I receive them. Perhaps it'll be by New Year's. But here are the pictures I chose in case you don't get our card.
Me and my baby doing pretty good after a trying few months.
I've been feeling better. I know this situation has been more mentally challenging for me than physically. The return to the gym has been helpful. I am sleeping better. Still not as many hours as I would like but at this point I'll take anything. I was pretty exhausted there for awhile. I know I've been short and snappy with people and I don't mean to be. There's no excuse. I need to check myself. I've been surrounded by constant love and I let my pissy mood get in the way of this. It's just my anxiety is already on high alert. As much as I'd like to change, it's very hard to turn around my reactive behavior in just a few months. Again, I seem to be consumed by what lies ahead.
Last week, my Mom made me two acupuncture appointments and they did seem to help. I got a terrible pain in my left hand then it travelled to my left ribs, then this explosion around my left ovary area. I believe in alternative medicine and I do respond to acupuncture and why I didn't think of it before, I don't know. I actually made an appointment for mom for her feet and she turned around and made my appoinments. We always want to fix each other. Also very interesting, my right forearm for days has been very itchy. I feel like I have an ant crawling on my arm or something is touching me. I told my acupucturist and she said that area correlates to the breast area. Uh, hello. It's better now. Cannot have another treatment until after the holidays, so I'll give it another go after the first of the year.
I know what has me all pissy and that's the other surgeries. I'm NOT ready to turn into an old lady. I'm just 42. I don't want this. I don't want to continue with the partial hysterectomy. Since my next breast surgery will probably be in February, I will go ahead and get another CA-125 and ultrasound around the same time and buy myself a few more months. As long as everything is still OK. The CA-125 can throw off false positives for ovarian cancer but it's the best marker they have right now. I've been able to solely focus on the north of me, I haven't had to think about the south. But this fricking ugly gene I have gives me no choice. Oh, F-U BRCA!
My son continues to ask to see my scars for himself rather than take my word for it that I still have boo-boos. He likes to say, "come here little....(whatever)" so I had taken a shower the other night and we were on my bed. He said, "Mommy all better?" I sort of hem-ha around and he said, "I like to see." So I showed him that all the red lines are my boo-boos and he cannot charge at me like a bull. So he cups his hand and says, "Come here little boobies." I said, "Well they aren't going to come to you." And then he said, "Oh Mommy, they're so cute."
God comes to us in many forms. Maybe it takes a 2 year old to convince me it's going to be alright? My mom has sure been trying. Her love and support is unwaivering. She's around me and continues to support me even when I think she's had enough. She's amazed at my progress and how I look. As for my son, his humor and love definitely keep me laughing. He has been my greatest gift. The joy he brings to everyone is the best present. It's time to sit back and enjoy. Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!
With Love, Janeen & Jack
I had a lovely dinner tonight with my friends and Jack is spending the night at Anni's house. I ordered Christmas cards this year and got caught in the companies printing and shipping errors....so I intend to get them out as soon as I receive them. Perhaps it'll be by New Year's. But here are the pictures I chose in case you don't get our card.
Me and my baby doing pretty good after a trying few months.
Last week, my Mom made me two acupuncture appointments and they did seem to help. I got a terrible pain in my left hand then it travelled to my left ribs, then this explosion around my left ovary area. I believe in alternative medicine and I do respond to acupuncture and why I didn't think of it before, I don't know. I actually made an appointment for mom for her feet and she turned around and made my appoinments. We always want to fix each other. Also very interesting, my right forearm for days has been very itchy. I feel like I have an ant crawling on my arm or something is touching me. I told my acupucturist and she said that area correlates to the breast area. Uh, hello. It's better now. Cannot have another treatment until after the holidays, so I'll give it another go after the first of the year.
I know what has me all pissy and that's the other surgeries. I'm NOT ready to turn into an old lady. I'm just 42. I don't want this. I don't want to continue with the partial hysterectomy. Since my next breast surgery will probably be in February, I will go ahead and get another CA-125 and ultrasound around the same time and buy myself a few more months. As long as everything is still OK. The CA-125 can throw off false positives for ovarian cancer but it's the best marker they have right now. I've been able to solely focus on the north of me, I haven't had to think about the south. But this fricking ugly gene I have gives me no choice. Oh, F-U BRCA!
My son continues to ask to see my scars for himself rather than take my word for it that I still have boo-boos. He likes to say, "come here little....(whatever)" so I had taken a shower the other night and we were on my bed. He said, "Mommy all better?" I sort of hem-ha around and he said, "I like to see." So I showed him that all the red lines are my boo-boos and he cannot charge at me like a bull. So he cups his hand and says, "Come here little boobies." I said, "Well they aren't going to come to you." And then he said, "Oh Mommy, they're so cute."
God comes to us in many forms. Maybe it takes a 2 year old to convince me it's going to be alright? My mom has sure been trying. Her love and support is unwaivering. She's around me and continues to support me even when I think she's had enough. She's amazed at my progress and how I look. As for my son, his humor and love definitely keep me laughing. He has been my greatest gift. The joy he brings to everyone is the best present. It's time to sit back and enjoy. Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!
With Love, Janeen & Jack
Friday, December 9, 2011
Hi Again: Here's An Update...
This is a twenty-something me with my girl in Florence.
Remembering my Bellarose today. She passed away 12/9/2006 from cancer when she was 13 years old.
I miss my Bella. We'll always have Italy.
December 9, 2011
I never knew back then how my life would unfold. None of us do really. Some people say that's half the fun. My road travelled thus far has been full of many blessing, set backs, heartache, love and self discovery. I always have considered myself a work in progress.
I've had a few emotional weeks and a lot of sleepless nights, which doesn't help. But I did start back at the gym and I'm hoping it will help my mood and my sleep. I applaud those that can recover and just get on with it. I seem to do OK, then I stummble and I find that I just have to cry when I want to cry. A TV personality has decided to have a bilateral mastectomy to eradicate her cancer and in an article regarding her story someone wrote, "that woman tend to bounce back rather quickly after a mastectomy." Guess I didn't get that memo when I left the hospital.
I can't believe the holidays are here. I thought we were going to have a low-key Christmas but Mom's been decorating her house since Thanksgiving and it's all for a little guy we all know and LOVE. You see awhile ago he just broke out in song. He started with "tinkle-tinkle little star" then "itsy-bitsy-spider" so I started singing Christmas songs to the boy and he hasn't let up. We sing Christmas songs every night. For this, Mom thought that Jack, only two, "gets it" and so he needed a winter wonderland. So if any of you are in the area, stop over to Mom's house and check it out. Jack LOVES it and told his Anni, "Thank you Anni. This is all for me and it's all brand-spankin new." No joke, his words!
At our house I did my standard Charlie Brown tree, which turned out lovely, but my aunt had an 8 foot tree delivered to the house a few days ago. I knew it was coming and I swore Jack didn't need another tree. Wrong again! Anni stayed over Thursday night while I got my hair done (long overdue) and decorated this tree with Jack. When I got home I walked in to see the happiest little boy. The tree is beautiful and Jack couldn't be more excited. Holidays are for children. They really do bring out the best in all of us. You see a child with pure joy on there face.....it's heaven. Thank you Mom for making our houses so beautiful!!!
Jack seeing Anni's house for the first time.
Jack's BIG tree.
Thanks again everyone for continuing to check in with me and my family.
Mom, please rest now and just enjoy all that you have done.
Peace and Love,
Janeen
Monday, November 28, 2011
God's Answer
God only gives three answers to prayers.
1.) Yes
2.) Not Yet
And
3.) I have something better in mind.
Janeen
1.) Yes
2.) Not Yet
And
3.) I have something better in mind.
Janeen
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving
I had Mom over for dinner tonight. We ate at my decorated Thanksgiving table even though we will not be here at my house for Thanksgiving Day. As thankful as I am, I am also quite anxious for the holidays and I feel like I need to get rid of all the fall and make my house into some sort of winter wonderland now. I will be putting up my Charlie Brown tree, but my Mom and Aunt have other plans...I am leaving all of those details to them.
Is it a good thing that I have lost track of what week I'm at now? I'm absolutely feeling better, but I find myself at times still not believing that I have had a double mastectomy. I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off just yet. It's difficult to feel real feminine. And the fact that I wore an old pair of maternity sweatpants the other day doesn't help with feeling so feminine, but they are so comfortable. I have a new body, clothes fit differently and pieces of me will continue to change so it's all very weird. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but this has been a theme in my life. Just taking it all in. One day at a time. My boobs will not define me, but taking someone like me, who's always had body issues and then this happens......light bulb moment here....God's life lesson for me: acceptance. When I feel myself drifting away from my lessons and getting stuck in the absurd, I have to reel myself in and remind myself that I have been given this opportunity; this gift. I have had a physical change but I still think I got slammed in the face with a huge life lesson. When you can't change your situation, you gotta change your attitude. This isn't about the physical; it's all mental. I have to practice what I'm writing here. I get caught up in the physical because it's what we all see. Why do I get sucked into that 1% thinking? This is all we perceive with our five senses. On the other side of that curtain is the 99%. Nothing happens suddenly. Note to self: we are all more than our physical being.
Thanks for listening once again. I wish everybody a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for you all.
Bless you,
Janeen
Is it a good thing that I have lost track of what week I'm at now? I'm absolutely feeling better, but I find myself at times still not believing that I have had a double mastectomy. I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off just yet. It's difficult to feel real feminine. And the fact that I wore an old pair of maternity sweatpants the other day doesn't help with feeling so feminine, but they are so comfortable. I have a new body, clothes fit differently and pieces of me will continue to change so it's all very weird. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but this has been a theme in my life. Just taking it all in. One day at a time. My boobs will not define me, but taking someone like me, who's always had body issues and then this happens......light bulb moment here....God's life lesson for me: acceptance. When I feel myself drifting away from my lessons and getting stuck in the absurd, I have to reel myself in and remind myself that I have been given this opportunity; this gift. I have had a physical change but I still think I got slammed in the face with a huge life lesson. When you can't change your situation, you gotta change your attitude. This isn't about the physical; it's all mental. I have to practice what I'm writing here. I get caught up in the physical because it's what we all see. Why do I get sucked into that 1% thinking? This is all we perceive with our five senses. On the other side of that curtain is the 99%. Nothing happens suddenly. Note to self: we are all more than our physical being.
Thanks for listening once again. I wish everybody a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for you all.
Bless you,
Janeen
Sunday, November 13, 2011
November 12, 2010
One year ago today I got my BRCA results. What a difference a year makes. My Mom was in Hawaii and I was walking into Hoag to see a genetic counselor.
A year has already gone by and I'm already 2 months into the healing part from my surgery. I met with D. Orringer last week and we are already in talks for my next surgery. I will wait until the first part of the new year. It may be a 4-6 hour surgery. Won't even try to compare the two procedures. I was feeling a little blue for various reasons, but just feeling better and yet knowing I have to do this again, so soon. I knew going into this it would be about a year process total. And yet this year flew by.
Need to stay in the NOW. Count my blessings. Continue to embrace all the love I have received. Continue to love my Lovey and puggies. Thank God for my family and friends.
Again I am humbled by this experience, but it's not over. Gotta dig myself out of the blues when it hits. And if I have some trouble doing this, there's always Mom. I think my emotional ebb and flow is normal. I think having the periodic blues just goes along with the territory.
For all those continuing to stay in touch, I thank you.
Be well,
Janeen
A year has already gone by and I'm already 2 months into the healing part from my surgery. I met with D. Orringer last week and we are already in talks for my next surgery. I will wait until the first part of the new year. It may be a 4-6 hour surgery. Won't even try to compare the two procedures. I was feeling a little blue for various reasons, but just feeling better and yet knowing I have to do this again, so soon. I knew going into this it would be about a year process total. And yet this year flew by.
Need to stay in the NOW. Count my blessings. Continue to embrace all the love I have received. Continue to love my Lovey and puggies. Thank God for my family and friends.
Again I am humbled by this experience, but it's not over. Gotta dig myself out of the blues when it hits. And if I have some trouble doing this, there's always Mom. I think my emotional ebb and flow is normal. I think having the periodic blues just goes along with the territory.
For all those continuing to stay in touch, I thank you.
Be well,
Janeen
Monday, November 7, 2011
Well Mom beat me to the punch tonight, but I too wanted to comment on a great day with my Mom. Yes, I'm at 8 weeks today. I still cannot believe 2 months ago tonight I was still in surgery going on hour 15 or so. As a mother myself (still sounds weird) I cannot imagine what my Mom was going through. I'm 42 but I'm still her kid. And as emotional and painful as this journey has been, I would gladly do it all over again as I don't think I could handle this if our roles were reversed.
Looking and feeling so tired I suggested to Mom we go get facials. Of course I'd kill for a massage but that ain't going to happen for a very long while. So we went to The Montage for a late lunch and had a good 'ol Mom and daughter day, like we used to. I DID take a pause before I changed and I admit I did look around to see who was in the changing area. But yes, I did tell Mom tonight that I don't care what anybody thinks about my scars, now or in the future. My doctor says that in time it will look like I had a mommy make-over. But I know the truth. I know what I went through and why. There was an article in a magazine where a woman wrote about being BRCA positive and she went through my same procedure to prevent breast cancer and she referred to herself as a previvor. So when I wrote before I don't know what category I'm in.....I know now. I'm a previvor.
My facial was awesome. Mom came out and I swear it looked like she had just stepped off a plane from Hawaii, all rested and glowing. Then I caught myself in the mirror, and I must say, I looked good. Like some time had been shaved off. I felt bright. I glowed too. It was such a wonderful rejuvenation. Never did I think I would even feel slightly comfortable enough to do this. Now I was very aware of my surroundings and for a Monday there were quite a few women there. But I figure the more I move forward I will continue to have emotional healing as well as physical. We are all going to be thrown a situation in our lives that will make us kick and scream, some of us may get a few of these, but it's the way in which we handle the situation that makes for the best outcome. And so today I handled it with a facial and a martini.
Spending time with my Mom outside of hospitals and doctor offices was so refreshing. And Jack got to spend quality time with his uncle. The time I get with my loved ones is what's most important. You can't buy time. You have to be able to give it AND receive it. I know thanksgiving is still a few weeks away, but I don't need just one day to give thanks.
I am blessed, thankful and hey Mom, I'm HAPPY! I love you.
Love, janeen
Looking and feeling so tired I suggested to Mom we go get facials. Of course I'd kill for a massage but that ain't going to happen for a very long while. So we went to The Montage for a late lunch and had a good 'ol Mom and daughter day, like we used to. I DID take a pause before I changed and I admit I did look around to see who was in the changing area. But yes, I did tell Mom tonight that I don't care what anybody thinks about my scars, now or in the future. My doctor says that in time it will look like I had a mommy make-over. But I know the truth. I know what I went through and why. There was an article in a magazine where a woman wrote about being BRCA positive and she went through my same procedure to prevent breast cancer and she referred to herself as a previvor. So when I wrote before I don't know what category I'm in.....I know now. I'm a previvor.
My facial was awesome. Mom came out and I swear it looked like she had just stepped off a plane from Hawaii, all rested and glowing. Then I caught myself in the mirror, and I must say, I looked good. Like some time had been shaved off. I felt bright. I glowed too. It was such a wonderful rejuvenation. Never did I think I would even feel slightly comfortable enough to do this. Now I was very aware of my surroundings and for a Monday there were quite a few women there. But I figure the more I move forward I will continue to have emotional healing as well as physical. We are all going to be thrown a situation in our lives that will make us kick and scream, some of us may get a few of these, but it's the way in which we handle the situation that makes for the best outcome. And so today I handled it with a facial and a martini.
Spending time with my Mom outside of hospitals and doctor offices was so refreshing. And Jack got to spend quality time with his uncle. The time I get with my loved ones is what's most important. You can't buy time. You have to be able to give it AND receive it. I know thanksgiving is still a few weeks away, but I don't need just one day to give thanks.
I am blessed, thankful and hey Mom, I'm HAPPY! I love you.
Love, janeen
Beautiful Day
Hello everyone....today was a BEAUTIFUL DAY!!! You all know by now, it was 8 weeks ago I sat in a hospital worried sick over my daughter in an operating room. Although I had Darren beside me, it was one of the longest days of my life. Today, as I sat with my daughter at The Montage, having lunch and taking in the view of our beautiful coastline both of us reflected back to September 12, 2011. It has ONLY been 8 weeks but today it seemed like years ago. We were back having our mom/daughter day and it was Janeen's idea. Darren watched Jack so we could have some girlie time and it was wonderful. Now, for the best part. We went to the spa and had facials. If you had asked me 2 months ago did I think Janeen would go into a spa and disrobe for a proceedure, I would have said, " NO WAY"! Well she did and the best part for me was to hear her say, " I no longer care about my scars, I've earned every one ". I had to fight back the tears. Both of us came out of our respective treatments glowing. Truly, we BOTH looked younger, or that's what we told each other. So that called for a cocktail. One phone call to Uncle D to see if everything was under control at home, ( it was ) and we headed for the lounge and a Martini. We felt like the piano player was playing just for us and we were both so relaxed. I could have sat there for hours but reality set in and it was time to come home.
Our thoughts were with Annette who we figured is about 2 1/2 weeks post op. She's hurting bad right about now....we can't forget to continue praying for her. I hope Janeen will make contact with her again real soon.
So, we took time for us today, hope all of you still following this journey will take some time for yourself and have a Beautiful Day too. So much to be thankful for, go celebrate!
Barb
Our thoughts were with Annette who we figured is about 2 1/2 weeks post op. She's hurting bad right about now....we can't forget to continue praying for her. I hope Janeen will make contact with her again real soon.
So, we took time for us today, hope all of you still following this journey will take some time for yourself and have a Beautiful Day too. So much to be thankful for, go celebrate!
Barb
Monday, October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween
Another week anniversary, week 7 and it's Halloween. I never thought I'd be taking Jack out for trick-or-treating, but I did. Uncle Darren and Uncle Jerry went too. Jack's Anni and Uncle D surprised us with dressing as Fred and Wilma Flintstone. I laughed so hard it hurt. I swear tonight was so fun and I was hurting and still burning, but because I was doubled over laughing all night. I never could have imagined this a month ago. I would love to post a picture but I think if I do, I may be disowned?
My aunt and a wonderful neighbor came over tonight as well, both breast cancer survivors. And today is the last day of October, which as we all know is breast cancer awareness month. My mom bought me two beautiful bracelets to commemorate this month and said I too was a breast cancer survivor, which I don't think I am. I think I just beat cancer before it beat me! I don't know, I feel conflicted with what category I fit into. If a category is even important.
Getting back into the swing of things. I feel overwhelmed that the holidays are right around the corner and I'm still fairly tired. I started taking naps with Jack when I first got home from the hospital because I missed him so much, and we just cuddled and held hands. Well, he's fine napping in his room when I'm not here, but I still take advantage of my cuddle time when I can. Of course, I could be doing more with that time, like laundry or cleaning, but how can I pass up holding that little hand? Most times I just rest my eyes and stare at my beautiful boy. He has a way with opening your heart. There is a rejuvenated joy in my family now.
Gods plan for me turned my world upside down. It threw us all for a loop. I believe this is why HE graced me with Jack before BRCA.
Hope everyone had a safe evening. There is joy in my house.
Love, Janeen
My aunt and a wonderful neighbor came over tonight as well, both breast cancer survivors. And today is the last day of October, which as we all know is breast cancer awareness month. My mom bought me two beautiful bracelets to commemorate this month and said I too was a breast cancer survivor, which I don't think I am. I think I just beat cancer before it beat me! I don't know, I feel conflicted with what category I fit into. If a category is even important.
Getting back into the swing of things. I feel overwhelmed that the holidays are right around the corner and I'm still fairly tired. I started taking naps with Jack when I first got home from the hospital because I missed him so much, and we just cuddled and held hands. Well, he's fine napping in his room when I'm not here, but I still take advantage of my cuddle time when I can. Of course, I could be doing more with that time, like laundry or cleaning, but how can I pass up holding that little hand? Most times I just rest my eyes and stare at my beautiful boy. He has a way with opening your heart. There is a rejuvenated joy in my family now.
Gods plan for me turned my world upside down. It threw us all for a loop. I believe this is why HE graced me with Jack before BRCA.
Hope everyone had a safe evening. There is joy in my house.
Love, Janeen
Thursday, October 27, 2011
" JOY "
Hi everyone. Can any one tell me where the last three months went? I am so overwhelmed with the holidays right around the corner that I stay up til 3:00 and 4:00 am ordering on line so I can catch up. But I realized an incredible fact just today and that is I am filled with " joy"! I stopped liking all holidays so many years ago I couldn't even tell you when. Oh sure, I love buying for friends and for people who have helped me through out the year but for the most part all the commercial stuff I have dreaded for so long now. I thought that once the kids grew up it was a natural step to be done with all the fa - la - la - la - la. I hated Halloween, Thanksgiving was just a farse because in my mind we should be thankful every day and other than the real meaning of Christmas, Christs birth, everything else became just to damn hard. But for some reason, or for many reasons I am excited this year for all the hollidays and I want to shout it to the world. The feeling of joy is so refreshing and makes me feel like a kid again. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still gimping around on the sore foot and I have all the same aches and pains but I am still joyfull.
Janeen doing so well is a huge reason to rejoice, get happy and share that joy with others. Having such an adorable little boy around all the time ain't to shabby either. He always makes me laugh. But what I thought had died in me I discovered today hasn't died at all. It is still there and I'm excited for Halloween!!! To let go of all the worry and sadness I have lived and seen this year is enough. Seeing Janeen go out with her girfriends the other night ( she looked gorgeous ) filled me with joy. Baby sitting Jack filled me with joy. Getting ready for the holidays is filling me with joy. I am sharing because I want all of you out there to stop and feel the joy of this very moment. Annette where ever you are tonight look for some joy, it is there. I want to appoint myself your " joy mentor ". I don't even know what that is but if it makes sense to you then I'm your girl. Janeen is driving herself around, that makes me joyful. It means she is feling better and moving on like she did before. I've had more family time lately in the past two months than I have had in 15 yrs, and that makes me joyful. I could go on and on but I think you get it. Find the joy in your life right now because if you don't you are missing out on the most important reason for living. I'm going to nuture this feeling because it just feels so damn good. I wish I could put how I feel tonight into a box, then tie a huge red bow on the box and then start handing them out to everyone whose path I cross. Please everyone, find your joy!
Good night and love to all. Barb
Janeen doing so well is a huge reason to rejoice, get happy and share that joy with others. Having such an adorable little boy around all the time ain't to shabby either. He always makes me laugh. But what I thought had died in me I discovered today hasn't died at all. It is still there and I'm excited for Halloween!!! To let go of all the worry and sadness I have lived and seen this year is enough. Seeing Janeen go out with her girfriends the other night ( she looked gorgeous ) filled me with joy. Baby sitting Jack filled me with joy. Getting ready for the holidays is filling me with joy. I am sharing because I want all of you out there to stop and feel the joy of this very moment. Annette where ever you are tonight look for some joy, it is there. I want to appoint myself your " joy mentor ". I don't even know what that is but if it makes sense to you then I'm your girl. Janeen is driving herself around, that makes me joyful. It means she is feling better and moving on like she did before. I've had more family time lately in the past two months than I have had in 15 yrs, and that makes me joyful. I could go on and on but I think you get it. Find the joy in your life right now because if you don't you are missing out on the most important reason for living. I'm going to nuture this feeling because it just feels so damn good. I wish I could put how I feel tonight into a box, then tie a huge red bow on the box and then start handing them out to everyone whose path I cross. Please everyone, find your joy!
Good night and love to all. Barb
Monday, October 24, 2011
Time To Get Back To Business
Never thought I'd be at week 6... But here I am. My energy level is still low, but as long as I get back to my old schedule, this too will improve. Doctor said 6-8 weeks and he is right on the money. I feel like all the working out I did before is out the window. I can't even raise my leg and straighten it. All my muscles are so tight. I will start the gym again soon and go SLOW. I did some errands today and had to adjust that bra and realized I didn't have it on. This is what I mean. I feel as if a wire bra has been implanted in me. I could have sworn a wire was poking me. Oh well. I even wore a pair of jeans today but I am completely numb so I always feel like there is some sort of waist band going around me. It's very odd. Again, this will be with me for 6+ months. As my swelling continues to go down, I can see what Dr. Granzow was now talking about...and that is...He said it's going to feel and resemble like I just got a new shirt (made of skin of course). And it won't fit quite right. But not to worry because then I will get it tailored (2nd surgery). I can already see where I'd like my alterations to be done. I wonder if they chalk me or pin me?
My thoughts are still with Annette. The fact that I'm so far along in my healing process yet it's still so fresh that each day I think of her, I can remember where I was; what I was feeling. My heart goes out to her and her family. I didn't want to talk to anyone really and those I did talk to I don't really remember. I just hope she's doing well.
Speaking about not remembering much, I found a list of the nurses that tended to me at St. john's on my iPad today. My mom didn't even get me my iPad or phone for a few days. I knew I wanted to write a letter to St. Johns for their exceptional care throughout this process and wanted to mention everyone involved. So apparently I started a list, titled it and all. That just shows you how bad anesthesia messes with your head. I think there are only 2 nurses that I could actually put a name to their face. The others, I simply have no recollection. Even my anesthesiologist....I have down as Lisa. I can't even give props to her because I don't know her name. So Dr. Lisa, you too did a great job.
I would love a back rub, especially at night. I still try to sleep on my side, sort of, with pillows around me, but what I really want to do is get on my stomach again. And this ain't happening anytime soon. I wonder how I'd get a massage, but I know that's wishful thinking now. And I want to stretch, but everythings been sewn and pulled so tight, I can't. I know in the long run this will be a good thing, but a great stretch would be awesome.
I'm seeing my girlfriends for the first time tomorrow night. I said there will be no water works, but now I'm not so sure. When tough times hit a person or family everybody has their own process and I really appreciate everyone respecting mine. And my mother lion has been uber protective of me, making sure I wasn't overwhelmed with visitors and/or contact with others. She lived this with me and she knows me best, so I thank you mom.
Then other night, Jack was behind me, walking back and forth on the couch. He leaned on my back and put his head on my right shoulder and said, "mommy, I love you.". That was a first. I love my boy so much.
Until next time.......with Love and Gratitude,
Janeen
My thoughts are still with Annette. The fact that I'm so far along in my healing process yet it's still so fresh that each day I think of her, I can remember where I was; what I was feeling. My heart goes out to her and her family. I didn't want to talk to anyone really and those I did talk to I don't really remember. I just hope she's doing well.
Speaking about not remembering much, I found a list of the nurses that tended to me at St. john's on my iPad today. My mom didn't even get me my iPad or phone for a few days. I knew I wanted to write a letter to St. Johns for their exceptional care throughout this process and wanted to mention everyone involved. So apparently I started a list, titled it and all. That just shows you how bad anesthesia messes with your head. I think there are only 2 nurses that I could actually put a name to their face. The others, I simply have no recollection. Even my anesthesiologist....I have down as Lisa. I can't even give props to her because I don't know her name. So Dr. Lisa, you too did a great job.
I would love a back rub, especially at night. I still try to sleep on my side, sort of, with pillows around me, but what I really want to do is get on my stomach again. And this ain't happening anytime soon. I wonder how I'd get a massage, but I know that's wishful thinking now. And I want to stretch, but everythings been sewn and pulled so tight, I can't. I know in the long run this will be a good thing, but a great stretch would be awesome.
I'm seeing my girlfriends for the first time tomorrow night. I said there will be no water works, but now I'm not so sure. When tough times hit a person or family everybody has their own process and I really appreciate everyone respecting mine. And my mother lion has been uber protective of me, making sure I wasn't overwhelmed with visitors and/or contact with others. She lived this with me and she knows me best, so I thank you mom.
Then other night, Jack was behind me, walking back and forth on the couch. He leaned on my back and put his head on my right shoulder and said, "mommy, I love you.". That was a first. I love my boy so much.
Until next time.......with Love and Gratitude,
Janeen
Friday, October 21, 2011
OK, Here Are Some Pictures
This is the first day I got to come home. It was day 9.
I have some other home pics to share but I'm feeling conflicted.
Don't think I'll share right now. Not yet ready.
Here is Jack in the bathroom with 'Anni' one night.
She'd come over & help bathe him. Making sure he brushed his teeth.
This is the most recent from my last blog of us taking Jack to the
Fire Station Open House in Irvine. He had so much fun.
And I SO enjoyed watching as did 'Anni.'
YES, I'm leaning down!!!
Also last weekend at a pumpkin patch with Mommy & Uncle D.
He's in a sea of pumpkins & had another fun day.
After the pumpkin patch Mom drove me to critical care to see my Sophie.
Doctor thought it was alright to bring her home. She either had a stroke
or has vestibular disease. So she's a little off, but she's always been a lil off.
But I LOVE HER!!!!
And last, this is the result from her episode. She looks a bit regal or she can't
be bothered by the camera. Her head is high; eyes pull down,
but she IS improving. That's how we girls do it around here.
WE JUST GET THROUGH IT!!!
I'm going to try and be better at posting pictures about the things I'm actully blogging about at the time. I've just had some computer issues and posting picture issues. But I think it's all good now. I've had a lot on my mind the past few days. Kinda thinking about what I want to say next; things I was thinking about before surgery. They're still in my head but no longer carry so much weight. But I still think it's good to share. I mean this has been and continues to be a journey. So I may bounce back and forth, but I'm keeping it real.
Must go kiss all my babies now....XO, Janeen
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Things That Make You Go Hmmm
I bet you never notice how much you sneeze until you try NOT to and blow your brains out. Sneezing, laughing, coughing...killer right now.
Was trying to post pictures today and it isn't working so all of you that are dying for photos you'll have to wait a bit longer. I know, the anticipation...
Annette is having her surgery tomorrow. I'll be praying for her and her family.
I find it so bizarre that major things happen to all of us; an accident, a surgery, a death, and you want to scream, "stop" to other people when they are going on with their day as if nothing has happened. It's like you want time to freeze, just briefly; just enough so you can breath. And yet LIFE continues on. That's why "time flies by." Cherish each day and don't forget to breath.
This is all I have tonight.
Janeen
P.S. On a lighter note, Mom asked that I put my titles in all caps because it looks nicer.
Was trying to post pictures today and it isn't working so all of you that are dying for photos you'll have to wait a bit longer. I know, the anticipation...
Annette is having her surgery tomorrow. I'll be praying for her and her family.
I find it so bizarre that major things happen to all of us; an accident, a surgery, a death, and you want to scream, "stop" to other people when they are going on with their day as if nothing has happened. It's like you want time to freeze, just briefly; just enough so you can breath. And yet LIFE continues on. That's why "time flies by." Cherish each day and don't forget to breath.
This is all I have tonight.
Janeen
P.S. On a lighter note, Mom asked that I put my titles in all caps because it looks nicer.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Happy Tuesday
Hi Everyone,
I spoke to Dr. Granzow today. After speaking to him I sort of feel like I have minimized in my writing all that these amazing doctors did to me and for me. I still don't totally understand myself. I won't try to explain anymore than I have but they are amazing, remarkable men who are so smart and talented. He was telling me some stories of other patients and people come from all over to see him because so few doctors do what he does. I'm so fortunate he was on my team. I mean he wasn't bragging he was just sharing some incidences. I was asking that if I were to fall or get into an accident, what would happen? He and Dr. Orringer both said that most likely my transplanted tissue would be fine. That it has made it's own blood supply now so even if I was "unhooked" from the transplanted blood vessels, I would be fine. But told me to be careful anyway. You hear that Jack? Pick up your cars and blocks!!!! I also told him that I have stitches poking out the sides of my incision. They are like fishing line. I need to cut those so they can dissolve. Since I don't think I can reach, with scissors, I'll need Mom to do this for me tomorrow. Altough most mothers do, I do not have eyes in the back of my head just yet. I'm happy that he's still on my team and he'll be apart of my future surgeries. One doctor, usually who you see first, takes the lead and in my case this is Dr. Orringer. Dr. Granzow and Orringers techniques are almost identical but a few tweaks here and there and this is why I think they compliment each other so well. Dr. Orringer is so humble and so complimentary to every person he works with, it's a such a pleasure to have no ego trips with my doctors. Again, I keep saying it but I'm so lucky. It was nice to talk to him today. And again all I'm feeling is normal and will be with me fo quite awhile, so no need to beat it to death.
I did a few errands this moring while Mom took Jack to swim class and I was exhausted. I don't get to nap everyday, but I look forward to it. Otherwise, dinner, bath time & getting Jack down can be extremely trying. I'm uusally pretty spent by 3-4pm.
And how's this for 6 degrees of separation. There was a woman who befriended me at Jacks swim school one day when I was having a melt down because I had just had an EUS done to check my pancreas (you know the pancreatic cancer risk) and at that time they took a biopsy. I woke up from this procedure hearing the nurses talking about having to take a biopsy. So of course I freaked and you have to wait for what feels like an eternity for test results. So I guess it was a panic attack that day and I slipped outside the swim school and she came out after me to talk as our kids were with their instructors. Well mom saw her today and she asked how I was doing.....turns out she's best friends with one of my cousins and both families just spent some time together in the desert. Bizarre.
Sophie is good today. Her neurological work up is set for Thursday. Her head is still held high and eyes are still flickering. She sort of wimpers when I leave the room. I find myself reassuring her that I'm here. I believe she's fine but she knows something is clearly different. She's a trooper. This little girl was at the pet shop for 3 months and I was NOT looking for another dog at all and that day I walked out with her. She was meant for me and I was meant for her.
Jacks says it's dinner time, just I must go. And I did get a nap today so I'm good to go now! Have a great night.
Love, Janeen
I spoke to Dr. Granzow today. After speaking to him I sort of feel like I have minimized in my writing all that these amazing doctors did to me and for me. I still don't totally understand myself. I won't try to explain anymore than I have but they are amazing, remarkable men who are so smart and talented. He was telling me some stories of other patients and people come from all over to see him because so few doctors do what he does. I'm so fortunate he was on my team. I mean he wasn't bragging he was just sharing some incidences. I was asking that if I were to fall or get into an accident, what would happen? He and Dr. Orringer both said that most likely my transplanted tissue would be fine. That it has made it's own blood supply now so even if I was "unhooked" from the transplanted blood vessels, I would be fine. But told me to be careful anyway. You hear that Jack? Pick up your cars and blocks!!!! I also told him that I have stitches poking out the sides of my incision. They are like fishing line. I need to cut those so they can dissolve. Since I don't think I can reach, with scissors, I'll need Mom to do this for me tomorrow. Altough most mothers do, I do not have eyes in the back of my head just yet. I'm happy that he's still on my team and he'll be apart of my future surgeries. One doctor, usually who you see first, takes the lead and in my case this is Dr. Orringer. Dr. Granzow and Orringers techniques are almost identical but a few tweaks here and there and this is why I think they compliment each other so well. Dr. Orringer is so humble and so complimentary to every person he works with, it's a such a pleasure to have no ego trips with my doctors. Again, I keep saying it but I'm so lucky. It was nice to talk to him today. And again all I'm feeling is normal and will be with me fo quite awhile, so no need to beat it to death.
I did a few errands this moring while Mom took Jack to swim class and I was exhausted. I don't get to nap everyday, but I look forward to it. Otherwise, dinner, bath time & getting Jack down can be extremely trying. I'm uusally pretty spent by 3-4pm.
And how's this for 6 degrees of separation. There was a woman who befriended me at Jacks swim school one day when I was having a melt down because I had just had an EUS done to check my pancreas (you know the pancreatic cancer risk) and at that time they took a biopsy. I woke up from this procedure hearing the nurses talking about having to take a biopsy. So of course I freaked and you have to wait for what feels like an eternity for test results. So I guess it was a panic attack that day and I slipped outside the swim school and she came out after me to talk as our kids were with their instructors. Well mom saw her today and she asked how I was doing.....turns out she's best friends with one of my cousins and both families just spent some time together in the desert. Bizarre.
Sophie is good today. Her neurological work up is set for Thursday. Her head is still held high and eyes are still flickering. She sort of wimpers when I leave the room. I find myself reassuring her that I'm here. I believe she's fine but she knows something is clearly different. She's a trooper. This little girl was at the pet shop for 3 months and I was NOT looking for another dog at all and that day I walked out with her. She was meant for me and I was meant for her.
Jacks says it's dinner time, just I must go. And I did get a nap today so I'm good to go now! Have a great night.
Love, Janeen
Monday, October 17, 2011
5 Weeks
I don't want to keep writing and complaining but I'm trying to keep this blog as honest as possible. So today......I'm feeling pretty good, but I know Sophie being home has a lot to do with this too.
I have cut so many deals with God lately. Like HE makes deals. I'm sure HE's quite amused when I pray. But I wanted my Sophie to survive that I prayed I will take every ache, pain and burn and shut up!
I actually do feel better and well enough to start venturing out, if anyone is still interested. I've put everybody off for so long, not sure who's interested anymore? And then I go back to Sophie. I still have to get a definitive diagnosis, but if it is vertigo and this ear infection, she may have another episode or never have one again. I know I cannot keep an eye on her 24/7, but I am a bit nervous about this. For all that were around when my Bella past away, I was devastated. I just want my family, all of us, happy and healthy. Sophie's little cinnabun (her curly tail) keeps wiggling this morning. I think she's happy.
This morning, as always, me and the dogs go into get Jack. This morning he looked at Sophie and said, "Her neck hurts." I think I may have a doctor on my hands here?
I got a call from Dr. Granzow last week, so I need to return his call and set up an appointment to see him...then I should be done with doctor appointments for awhile. I am very happy with my progress. I blogged awhile ago that there is a woman that called me who's having my same procedure on October 20. I'm going to call her back and wish her well and tell her again, she is in the best hands and she will be OK. Not sure how much else I should say, unless she asks specific questions. But I can say with confidence that when doctor says 6-8 weeks, I think this is right. I'm on the right road at 5 weeks. What a difference TIME makes.
I know me, so I know there are a few more pitty parties in me, but for today....I have Jack, my puppies, Mom, Darren, the rest of my supportive family and friends and my health. Today's a good day. I hope you are having a great day. Hug a loved one! Or call someone and tell them how much you appreciate them. Start a letter with I Love You, rather than saving it for the end. Kiss your puppies on the lips.
With Gratitude, Janeen
I have cut so many deals with God lately. Like HE makes deals. I'm sure HE's quite amused when I pray. But I wanted my Sophie to survive that I prayed I will take every ache, pain and burn and shut up!
I actually do feel better and well enough to start venturing out, if anyone is still interested. I've put everybody off for so long, not sure who's interested anymore? And then I go back to Sophie. I still have to get a definitive diagnosis, but if it is vertigo and this ear infection, she may have another episode or never have one again. I know I cannot keep an eye on her 24/7, but I am a bit nervous about this. For all that were around when my Bella past away, I was devastated. I just want my family, all of us, happy and healthy. Sophie's little cinnabun (her curly tail) keeps wiggling this morning. I think she's happy.
This morning, as always, me and the dogs go into get Jack. This morning he looked at Sophie and said, "Her neck hurts." I think I may have a doctor on my hands here?
I got a call from Dr. Granzow last week, so I need to return his call and set up an appointment to see him...then I should be done with doctor appointments for awhile. I am very happy with my progress. I blogged awhile ago that there is a woman that called me who's having my same procedure on October 20. I'm going to call her back and wish her well and tell her again, she is in the best hands and she will be OK. Not sure how much else I should say, unless she asks specific questions. But I can say with confidence that when doctor says 6-8 weeks, I think this is right. I'm on the right road at 5 weeks. What a difference TIME makes.
I know me, so I know there are a few more pitty parties in me, but for today....I have Jack, my puppies, Mom, Darren, the rest of my supportive family and friends and my health. Today's a good day. I hope you are having a great day. Hug a loved one! Or call someone and tell them how much you appreciate them. Start a letter with I Love You, rather than saving it for the end. Kiss your puppies on the lips.
With Gratitude, Janeen
Sunday, October 16, 2011
What A Weekend.
We had a lot of plans this weekend. What we didn't expect was my 10 year old Pug Sophie admitted to critical care Saturday night.
Saturday started out fine. Mom and I hobbling along, taking Jack to the local fire station for their open house. He gets so excited when he sees a fire truck and he thinks they're all Rescue Mater, from CARS. He got a junior fire badge and a red plastic fire helmet. He ran all over the place; climbing on everything he could find as well as climbing up to the top of the truck where they have a driver in the back. He took his turn and boy did he love sitting up that high and he turned that wheel and pushed every button he could. He also sat on the back on one truck and of course had to touch every single knob, hose, handle; anything shiny. He loved it. After he said, "thank you" and took off his helmet and returned it to the table. We laughed and told him he could keep it.
We then went back to our respective houses to take naps and thought maybe later he could sit through the dollar theatre and see CARS 2. Well we messed up the times so decided to go to Roger's Garden late afternoon for pumpkins, some new house plants, and see if the train was set up in the garden area. (When we were home and that morning, Sophie was fine. Nothing to make me think anything was wrong with her). So we headed down to Roger's. Jack ran after the train several times and picked about 20 pumpkins; all different sizes for decorations at our house, Anni's house and Uncle D's house. After dropping Mom off at her house Jack and I went home.
Again all was normal. The dogs were jumping and barking for their dinner. I got Jack in his high chair and got his dinner first. Realizing I needed more dog food in the garage, went out and came back in to Sophie in what I thought was a seizure. Her head was stiff and thrown off to the left, then her back legs went straight but she was still standing. I dropped the food and ran to her. Got to my knees and grabbed her. I held her to me as hard as I could. She wasn't fighting me but her body was so stiff and she was panting and drooling. How I got to standing, I don't know. I got to the kitchen, dialed Mom and put it on speaker. I screamed for her help. Now Jack is talking, TV is on, Pearl is still barking, so I got outside to hand her off to Mom. I'm still supposed to not lift anything over 10lbs and Sophie is about 20lbs. Again, I got to my knees and just sat on the driveway until Mom showed up. She had deficated on me; I didn't know and I didn't care. Again, I pulled myself up, holding her (I don't know how) and handed her off. I got back inside and called critical care. Good news is my other pug has Addison's disease so we are at this clinic every month for a shot so she doesn't go into a coma. If the girls there don't know me, they all know Pearl. So I called and they got a chart ready. Gave them her history, medications and how I found her. And then I prayed. And waited.
My chest was red from Sophie scratching and it burned like hell. I cried and prayed as best I could away from Jack. But he knew something was wrong. He came over to me on the couch, held my arm, put his head on my shoulder and said, "Oh Mommy." After what felt like eternity Mom called. The doctor believed that she may be suffering from vestibular disease, common in older dogs but could not rule out neurological.
Long story short (I know too late), Sophie did come home today. We still need to do an MRI and make sure it isn't her brain. And again, good news, we know the best vet neurologist because Molly, Mom's beloved Shi-poo has epilepsy and Dr. Hanson is her doctor. But the vestibular disease can mimick a seizure but symptoms can last up to 4 weeks or more. So Sophie's head stays up and her eyes twitch. She is disoriented so she cannot jump on anything. She's on meds and I'm just trying to keep her quiet.
We had also promised Jack today that Uncle D would take him to another pumpkin patch with rides and animals and of course more pumpkins. So we did go this a.m. I just took pictures. The doctor felt Sophie would be fine to go home today but continued follow up this week so I felt more comfortable continuing with our plans. Mom took me to pick up my girl. But when I woke up this morning I felt as if I had taken 50 steps back. Again, my back killed, chest burning. It was the grace of God that let me handle her and get up off the ground 3 times with her, holding onto nothing. And then Mom....heel pain and all, got her there probably in record time where they immediately got her on oxygen, IV's and meds. And then my Mom sat for hours with her foot burning, calling with updates.
We've all been through so much, I couldn't lose my Sophie. We all just continue to rally. Mom and I are particularly exhausted but like always we are there for each other. She dropped everything for us, as she always does especially in an emergency. Darren was also here this weekend and was a huge help with Jack. Each of us has 2 dogs and they are apart of our family. That's just how we are.
As I sit here in the quiet tonight, Jack is asleep. Pearl is next to me on the couch snoring. Sophie just walked out of my room, head held high (kind of regal) and layed down in her bed in the family room and I'm taking a deep breath. I have the best little family ever and we all have a shit load of pumpkins!
I will have to get used to Sophie's "new Look." I will take care of ALL my babies for as long as God allows me to and to the best of my ability. Which right now is quite difficult. I think Mother Teresa once said, "God never gives you more than you can handle....I just wish HE didn't trust me so much." Kinda feeling this now.
Tonight I'm grateful for a quiet, peaceful home with all my babies. My brother, the doctors and staff that helped Sophie, Jack for being such a good boy as his mother panicked, and last but certainly not least....MOM.
Enough is enough for now. Back to healing. Lesson this weekend; still need patience; need to handle stress better.
Good night,
Janeen, Sophie, Pearl and Jack
Saturday started out fine. Mom and I hobbling along, taking Jack to the local fire station for their open house. He gets so excited when he sees a fire truck and he thinks they're all Rescue Mater, from CARS. He got a junior fire badge and a red plastic fire helmet. He ran all over the place; climbing on everything he could find as well as climbing up to the top of the truck where they have a driver in the back. He took his turn and boy did he love sitting up that high and he turned that wheel and pushed every button he could. He also sat on the back on one truck and of course had to touch every single knob, hose, handle; anything shiny. He loved it. After he said, "thank you" and took off his helmet and returned it to the table. We laughed and told him he could keep it.
We then went back to our respective houses to take naps and thought maybe later he could sit through the dollar theatre and see CARS 2. Well we messed up the times so decided to go to Roger's Garden late afternoon for pumpkins, some new house plants, and see if the train was set up in the garden area. (When we were home and that morning, Sophie was fine. Nothing to make me think anything was wrong with her). So we headed down to Roger's. Jack ran after the train several times and picked about 20 pumpkins; all different sizes for decorations at our house, Anni's house and Uncle D's house. After dropping Mom off at her house Jack and I went home.
Again all was normal. The dogs were jumping and barking for their dinner. I got Jack in his high chair and got his dinner first. Realizing I needed more dog food in the garage, went out and came back in to Sophie in what I thought was a seizure. Her head was stiff and thrown off to the left, then her back legs went straight but she was still standing. I dropped the food and ran to her. Got to my knees and grabbed her. I held her to me as hard as I could. She wasn't fighting me but her body was so stiff and she was panting and drooling. How I got to standing, I don't know. I got to the kitchen, dialed Mom and put it on speaker. I screamed for her help. Now Jack is talking, TV is on, Pearl is still barking, so I got outside to hand her off to Mom. I'm still supposed to not lift anything over 10lbs and Sophie is about 20lbs. Again, I got to my knees and just sat on the driveway until Mom showed up. She had deficated on me; I didn't know and I didn't care. Again, I pulled myself up, holding her (I don't know how) and handed her off. I got back inside and called critical care. Good news is my other pug has Addison's disease so we are at this clinic every month for a shot so she doesn't go into a coma. If the girls there don't know me, they all know Pearl. So I called and they got a chart ready. Gave them her history, medications and how I found her. And then I prayed. And waited.
My chest was red from Sophie scratching and it burned like hell. I cried and prayed as best I could away from Jack. But he knew something was wrong. He came over to me on the couch, held my arm, put his head on my shoulder and said, "Oh Mommy." After what felt like eternity Mom called. The doctor believed that she may be suffering from vestibular disease, common in older dogs but could not rule out neurological.
Long story short (I know too late), Sophie did come home today. We still need to do an MRI and make sure it isn't her brain. And again, good news, we know the best vet neurologist because Molly, Mom's beloved Shi-poo has epilepsy and Dr. Hanson is her doctor. But the vestibular disease can mimick a seizure but symptoms can last up to 4 weeks or more. So Sophie's head stays up and her eyes twitch. She is disoriented so she cannot jump on anything. She's on meds and I'm just trying to keep her quiet.
We had also promised Jack today that Uncle D would take him to another pumpkin patch with rides and animals and of course more pumpkins. So we did go this a.m. I just took pictures. The doctor felt Sophie would be fine to go home today but continued follow up this week so I felt more comfortable continuing with our plans. Mom took me to pick up my girl. But when I woke up this morning I felt as if I had taken 50 steps back. Again, my back killed, chest burning. It was the grace of God that let me handle her and get up off the ground 3 times with her, holding onto nothing. And then Mom....heel pain and all, got her there probably in record time where they immediately got her on oxygen, IV's and meds. And then my Mom sat for hours with her foot burning, calling with updates.
We've all been through so much, I couldn't lose my Sophie. We all just continue to rally. Mom and I are particularly exhausted but like always we are there for each other. She dropped everything for us, as she always does especially in an emergency. Darren was also here this weekend and was a huge help with Jack. Each of us has 2 dogs and they are apart of our family. That's just how we are.
As I sit here in the quiet tonight, Jack is asleep. Pearl is next to me on the couch snoring. Sophie just walked out of my room, head held high (kind of regal) and layed down in her bed in the family room and I'm taking a deep breath. I have the best little family ever and we all have a shit load of pumpkins!
I will have to get used to Sophie's "new Look." I will take care of ALL my babies for as long as God allows me to and to the best of my ability. Which right now is quite difficult. I think Mother Teresa once said, "God never gives you more than you can handle....I just wish HE didn't trust me so much." Kinda feeling this now.
Tonight I'm grateful for a quiet, peaceful home with all my babies. My brother, the doctors and staff that helped Sophie, Jack for being such a good boy as his mother panicked, and last but certainly not least....MOM.
Enough is enough for now. Back to healing. Lesson this weekend; still need patience; need to handle stress better.
Good night,
Janeen, Sophie, Pearl and Jack
Friday, October 14, 2011
One more quote before I call it a night.....
"Eventually, you will come back to the ultimate truth, no matter what life throws at you...You are and always will be LOVE." -JVP
Good night.
Good night.
Hi
On Thursday 10/13 I went back to LA to see 2 of my 3 doctors, and Mom made a herself a doctor appointment with our primary physician, so it was a busy day for 2 gals hobbling around. My appointments were routine check-ups; for Mom she was there to discuss that she has two bone spurs in one of her heels. OUCH! Yea, we are quite a pair. Screw the Kardashians, you all would laugh your ass off lately if we were being filmed.
So my day started with seeing Dr. Robert Cole, my general surgeon. I am just past 4 weeks of recovery and that was the first time he had seen me. And he said (and remeber he IS a surgeon and remarkable at what he does), "If my jaw wasn't already hinged it would be on the floor." He couldn't believe how good I looked and what my plastic surgeons were able to do. I asked for a few more details. He said he was working on me for about the first 4 hours. From then on, Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow worked on me the rest of the time. I told him how bad my clavicle and shoulders hurt when I woke up. Did you all know that your breast tissue goes all the way up to your clavicle? He said my tissue was dissected. I say it was scraped. Whatever the term, all of it was removed.
Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow began working. In all they tightened up the muscles in my chest and abdomen. They cut my abdomen (a 26" scar) and used my own tissue to remake my new boobs. Then they re-routed blood vessels from my abdomen to give the tranplanted tissue a good blood supply. Amazing, right? This took from the 4th hour to hour 15. At that point they got a messgage to my Mom that the surgery went great and now they were going to make me "pretty." This took the last 3 1/2 hours. Only God and those doctors know what I must have looked like...All the more reason why Dr. Cole was so amazed.
Next was Dr. Orringer. He removed my tape again and replaced my abdominal scar with a new gel-like bandage that feels really good and it moves with me, which is nice. He then removed the tape from my new boobs and we discussed my next procedure; making nipples. But since we were talking I never looked in the mirror. It's hard enough sitting or standing there all naked in front of these guys as they examine me. I know, least of my worries, right?
The tape that I had on this entire time was flesh colored, so after another exhausting day I got home and changed my clothes. My first look in the mirror is what I had been afraid to see this entire time. These white circles, nothing else, with stitch marks on these new foreign boobs. I just stood there and cried.
I went to Mom's today and told her about last night and cried again. I know it'll all get fixed, in time. Once again, patience; not my strong suit. I know I just have to pull on my big girl pants and just deal with this; and I will. I mean, I am. Aren't I?
I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. with that burning down the right side of my torso. Didn't want the dogs to get up so rather than getting water to take a pill, I just burned for about an hour then fell back to sleep. Jack woke up around 8 and we started our day. I think I'm still waiting to simply wake up one day and I feel "normal." But I know it's a process. That tightness that I feel is also getting better. Doctors say I can resume physical activity at week 6 or 8. We all know I've been doing far more than anyone expected at this point, but I think I am going to wait; exercise, lifting Jack, doing more physical activities. Hell, I tried opening a water bottle last night. After using a rubber mitt, then an oven mitt, I thought I may have popped a stitch. Couldn't open it so I put the damn thing back in the frig.
As for Mom, she's going to therapy at the foot clinic 3 days a week. Between me in my new industrial strength bra and tummy band and Mom in her Uggs with her $70 heel inserts, we are plugging right along. Don't count us out yet. Not sure what the situation was but the other day Mom asked me, "How did you get so stubborn?" Hmmmm, I don't know? What do you all think?
Thank you for your love, support and prayers. It really does help me and my family.
"Be kind to yourself and appreciate having the strength and courage to go through such an incredible adventure called LIFE." -James Van Praagh
Be well, Janeen
P.S. Jack, your having an over night at Anni's. You better be asleep and not sitting in her bed saying, "Let's party," like last time. Good night monkey.
So my day started with seeing Dr. Robert Cole, my general surgeon. I am just past 4 weeks of recovery and that was the first time he had seen me. And he said (and remeber he IS a surgeon and remarkable at what he does), "If my jaw wasn't already hinged it would be on the floor." He couldn't believe how good I looked and what my plastic surgeons were able to do. I asked for a few more details. He said he was working on me for about the first 4 hours. From then on, Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow worked on me the rest of the time. I told him how bad my clavicle and shoulders hurt when I woke up. Did you all know that your breast tissue goes all the way up to your clavicle? He said my tissue was dissected. I say it was scraped. Whatever the term, all of it was removed.
Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow began working. In all they tightened up the muscles in my chest and abdomen. They cut my abdomen (a 26" scar) and used my own tissue to remake my new boobs. Then they re-routed blood vessels from my abdomen to give the tranplanted tissue a good blood supply. Amazing, right? This took from the 4th hour to hour 15. At that point they got a messgage to my Mom that the surgery went great and now they were going to make me "pretty." This took the last 3 1/2 hours. Only God and those doctors know what I must have looked like...All the more reason why Dr. Cole was so amazed.
Next was Dr. Orringer. He removed my tape again and replaced my abdominal scar with a new gel-like bandage that feels really good and it moves with me, which is nice. He then removed the tape from my new boobs and we discussed my next procedure; making nipples. But since we were talking I never looked in the mirror. It's hard enough sitting or standing there all naked in front of these guys as they examine me. I know, least of my worries, right?
The tape that I had on this entire time was flesh colored, so after another exhausting day I got home and changed my clothes. My first look in the mirror is what I had been afraid to see this entire time. These white circles, nothing else, with stitch marks on these new foreign boobs. I just stood there and cried.
I went to Mom's today and told her about last night and cried again. I know it'll all get fixed, in time. Once again, patience; not my strong suit. I know I just have to pull on my big girl pants and just deal with this; and I will. I mean, I am. Aren't I?
I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. with that burning down the right side of my torso. Didn't want the dogs to get up so rather than getting water to take a pill, I just burned for about an hour then fell back to sleep. Jack woke up around 8 and we started our day. I think I'm still waiting to simply wake up one day and I feel "normal." But I know it's a process. That tightness that I feel is also getting better. Doctors say I can resume physical activity at week 6 or 8. We all know I've been doing far more than anyone expected at this point, but I think I am going to wait; exercise, lifting Jack, doing more physical activities. Hell, I tried opening a water bottle last night. After using a rubber mitt, then an oven mitt, I thought I may have popped a stitch. Couldn't open it so I put the damn thing back in the frig.
As for Mom, she's going to therapy at the foot clinic 3 days a week. Between me in my new industrial strength bra and tummy band and Mom in her Uggs with her $70 heel inserts, we are plugging right along. Don't count us out yet. Not sure what the situation was but the other day Mom asked me, "How did you get so stubborn?" Hmmmm, I don't know? What do you all think?
Thank you for your love, support and prayers. It really does help me and my family.
"Be kind to yourself and appreciate having the strength and courage to go through such an incredible adventure called LIFE." -James Van Praagh
Be well, Janeen
P.S. Jack, your having an over night at Anni's. You better be asleep and not sitting in her bed saying, "Let's party," like last time. Good night monkey.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
4 weeks ago tonight
So I don't want to be all dramatic, but I cannot help but be reminded what I was feeling just 4 short weeks ago and yet at that time I could not even imagine one day after surgery. I was just hoping to wake up. To all of you that were on the receiving end of my shortness before September 12, it's because I was just so scared. I had done all the doctor appointments and got a clean bill of health, but there was something nagging me...it was fear. And that fear spoke to me every night. It said, " this may be the last time you see this person.". It said, "this may be the last time you do....." whatever it was I was doing. But the most painful part was having to say goodbye to Jack on September 11. My heart was broken. It killed me. I didn't want to scare him so I tried to control my tears, but I was dying inside. I knew I had to trust my doctors. They would never perform such a surgery if they thought I would be at risk. I had to trust that those looking after Jack would keep him safe. At this time the longest I had ever been away from Jack was 2 days and he was with my Mom. I knew I had to trust God and have faith, but I really didn't. I think I was so numb to what I was doing and what was happening. I really don't think I walked into the hospital that morning at 5 am feeling anything but fear. It had such a grip on me. And yet I had SO many people praying for me and my family. And God knew the outcome. I wanted to say a prayer beforehand and yet once I got that first injection in my IV, I remember nothing. I don't remember talking to my doctors, my Mom, my brother, nothing. Did I say, "I love you?". Mom says yes, I did. Maybe having no memory is a good thing? When I woke up I apparently asked Darren, "Who won the game?" and I do remember a dream where I was packing. I told my Mom this, and she said, "because I told you to go to a happy place, Hawaii." as I was passing out. How weird our subconscious is.
I thought about writing a letter to Jack just in case, but then I thought I might be jinxing my luck. I wanted to say to everyone I saw before my surgery how much I love them, but was afraid everyone would think I was being over dramatic. So if I saw you, I probably cried after, on my own. Does everyone know what they mean to me? Did I have time to right my wrongs? Had a been a good enough Mom to Jack so far in his young life? Was I spiritual at all? Was I a fraud? Was I the person I really want to be?
I'm still swirling and thinking of these questions. I am different. I want to be better, and do better. I walked through a paralyzing fear. But what now? Yeah, physical pain is still here and it will be with me for quite awhile. But I cannot push aside my emotions beforehand.
This last month I have felt gratitude, love, pain, weakness, anger, peace, empowerment....Still trying to sort it all out. I mention God a lot more than ever before. I do feel like I've been through a certain hell. But there are woman that go through what I have done but they also had to battle cancer. Why did I get to dodge that bullet? As Mom titled this blog, As Designed By God! This is for sure. HE sees the big picture. Again, I'm just trying to sort it all out.
Bless you all, Janeen
I thought about writing a letter to Jack just in case, but then I thought I might be jinxing my luck. I wanted to say to everyone I saw before my surgery how much I love them, but was afraid everyone would think I was being over dramatic. So if I saw you, I probably cried after, on my own. Does everyone know what they mean to me? Did I have time to right my wrongs? Had a been a good enough Mom to Jack so far in his young life? Was I spiritual at all? Was I a fraud? Was I the person I really want to be?
I'm still swirling and thinking of these questions. I am different. I want to be better, and do better. I walked through a paralyzing fear. But what now? Yeah, physical pain is still here and it will be with me for quite awhile. But I cannot push aside my emotions beforehand.
This last month I have felt gratitude, love, pain, weakness, anger, peace, empowerment....Still trying to sort it all out. I mention God a lot more than ever before. I do feel like I've been through a certain hell. But there are woman that go through what I have done but they also had to battle cancer. Why did I get to dodge that bullet? As Mom titled this blog, As Designed By God! This is for sure. HE sees the big picture. Again, I'm just trying to sort it all out.
Bless you all, Janeen
Friday, October 7, 2011
What's up?
Hello everyone,
I feel like I woke up today and tides had turned a bit in my favor. My energy level still sucks. I'm so tired all the time, but my pain level today is actually better. Mom watched Jack for a bit and I told her that I feel like I have real deep bruises now and the burning isn't as bad. Moving is still difficult but I'm walking a bit straighter and a little faster. yeah me! Jack hit me again in the chest tonight....this makes number 3 or 4 now. My skin still feels thick and fake and it's dry. Lovely. But all this time now...I'm finally seeing some light.
Was able to take a walk with Jack tonight. Didn't want to go to the park because of all the rain, so we walked until he saw that the garbage trucks were still collecting trash. He went nuts. My boy loves trucks; bigger the better. He ran, I hobbled as fast as I could and we waved to the same guy in his truck 3 different times. After that, Jack said, "let's go home."
Exhausting.
I'll be at 4 weeks Monday. My head is swirling with all I'm feeling and everyone's continued concern for me and my family.
And lastly, i want to acknowledge that today is the anniversary of my grandmothers passing; Jeanne Elizabeth Butler Straub. To MY Mom, be well today. I love you.
Janeen
I feel like I woke up today and tides had turned a bit in my favor. My energy level still sucks. I'm so tired all the time, but my pain level today is actually better. Mom watched Jack for a bit and I told her that I feel like I have real deep bruises now and the burning isn't as bad. Moving is still difficult but I'm walking a bit straighter and a little faster. yeah me! Jack hit me again in the chest tonight....this makes number 3 or 4 now. My skin still feels thick and fake and it's dry. Lovely. But all this time now...I'm finally seeing some light.
Was able to take a walk with Jack tonight. Didn't want to go to the park because of all the rain, so we walked until he saw that the garbage trucks were still collecting trash. He went nuts. My boy loves trucks; bigger the better. He ran, I hobbled as fast as I could and we waved to the same guy in his truck 3 different times. After that, Jack said, "let's go home."
Exhausting.
I'll be at 4 weeks Monday. My head is swirling with all I'm feeling and everyone's continued concern for me and my family.
And lastly, i want to acknowledge that today is the anniversary of my grandmothers passing; Jeanne Elizabeth Butler Straub. To MY Mom, be well today. I love you.
Janeen
Letter to BRCA
Dear BRCA,
I'm Janeen,a new client of yours. Was just wondering, you've taken my breasts, my nipples; you'll be taking my fallopian tubes and ovaries soon..is this enough for you? I mean with all the other cancers that I am at risk for because of a BRCA2 gene mutation, I think this is enough. I know I've had you all my life but we really just got acquainted almost a year ago. So you got that too, my time. We both know you'll have me for about another year, but then we are done.
Oh I'm not forgetting my many blessings, but can't help that I've been feeling a bit pissed off. Hear me loud and clear, you don't get the right to mess with my future.
I think you have destroyed many people's lives. I also think you wake people up. I get it, I'm awake! And I believe with Gods grace I will soon be done with you. Oh, I know you'll be with me forever, but I will not give you anymore pieces of me. You will not cloud my heart and my mind. You're not worth it. You've caused enough pain, both physical and emotional to me, my family and my friends.
Maybe now I can have a peaceful sleep. Feels good to get that off my chest, no pun intended.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm Janeen,a new client of yours. Was just wondering, you've taken my breasts, my nipples; you'll be taking my fallopian tubes and ovaries soon..is this enough for you? I mean with all the other cancers that I am at risk for because of a BRCA2 gene mutation, I think this is enough. I know I've had you all my life but we really just got acquainted almost a year ago. So you got that too, my time. We both know you'll have me for about another year, but then we are done.
Oh I'm not forgetting my many blessings, but can't help that I've been feeling a bit pissed off. Hear me loud and clear, you don't get the right to mess with my future.
I think you have destroyed many people's lives. I also think you wake people up. I get it, I'm awake! And I believe with Gods grace I will soon be done with you. Oh, I know you'll be with me forever, but I will not give you anymore pieces of me. You will not cloud my heart and my mind. You're not worth it. You've caused enough pain, both physical and emotional to me, my family and my friends.
Maybe now I can have a peaceful sleep. Feels good to get that off my chest, no pun intended.
Sincerely,
Me
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Dr. Oz tweet today
Just read a tweet from Dr. Oz. He was tweeting about Steve Jobs, an absolute visionary that changed the world and past away from pancreatic cancer. Dr. Oz tweeted information today about pancreatic cancer. And yes those with a BRCA2 gene mutation have a higher risk of this cancer. I put out this information a few posts ago. Just want to reinterate to those that are BRCA2 positive. I feel like I have dodged a bullet. How lucky can I be? I'm still fearful but as Steve Jobs said, "...having the energy to go ahead,right alongside fear."
Ignorance was bliss! I have so much information now, I have to stay proactive with my health. But having this nasty gene is a constant reminder that my risk is higher than you.
So how am I feeling? Same complaints. It is what it is! Need time.
Janeen
Ignorance was bliss! I have so much information now, I have to stay proactive with my health. But having this nasty gene is a constant reminder that my risk is higher than you.
So how am I feeling? Same complaints. It is what it is! Need time.
Janeen
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Blog Problems Believed To Be Fixed
To all of you who have tried to leave comments on Janeen's blog and were unable to do so, I believe Darren has solved the problem. Blogspot added a new spam filter system on their service and it was not compatible with the way we set up this blog originally. So, now when you wish to comment, hit the word comment under the new posting and you will get a pop-up space to say whatever it is that you wish to say. Type your comment, add your Name Only in the space provided (leave URL vacant), preview/edit and you should be good. Good Luck!!!!
Today Janeen and I went bra shopping. Not for your regular sexy bra but not a boulder holder either. We found the perfect mastectomy bra for her and it is really pretty. The one we bought at St.John's upon discharge was ugly and huge...it just hung on her. Swelling has gone down and she has lost weight so the utility bra was useless. So she was fitted today with a proper fitting bra and belly band. These articles allow her to stand up straighter and give her the support she has been lacking. It is my belief that some of the burning she is experiencing is due to slouching in order to protect herself and her muscles are screaming for her to relax. I think a good Martini and a Xanax accompanied by her new under garments and she will feel much better.
About Me.....infection in left leg is slowly going away and I learned today I have two heel bone spurs, one in the bottom of my heel and the other in the back of my heel. These are on my right foot. So this is why I can't walk. Looks like more foot surgery for me...someday?/!@
Thank you Jess and Maxine for dinner tonight. It was so appreciated and helped both of us out more than you'll ever know. We're both losing weight. Janeen doesn't care about eating and I can't get to the food. What a pair we are but I wouldn't change a thing even if I could.
Pistol Pete (Jack) spent the night with me last evening. He cried, he wanted to come home with me so badly. He said to Janeen, " mom, go to your room and rest!" " I'm going home with anni". We got home and he ran ahead to my bed and by the time I hobbled in there, he was sitting in my bed and said, " let's party!" I swear to you I thought I was going to die laughing. What would Janeen and I do without Baby Nack???
Love to all and we hope to hear from you when you have time to keep in touch.
Barb
Today Janeen and I went bra shopping. Not for your regular sexy bra but not a boulder holder either. We found the perfect mastectomy bra for her and it is really pretty. The one we bought at St.John's upon discharge was ugly and huge...it just hung on her. Swelling has gone down and she has lost weight so the utility bra was useless. So she was fitted today with a proper fitting bra and belly band. These articles allow her to stand up straighter and give her the support she has been lacking. It is my belief that some of the burning she is experiencing is due to slouching in order to protect herself and her muscles are screaming for her to relax. I think a good Martini and a Xanax accompanied by her new under garments and she will feel much better.
About Me.....infection in left leg is slowly going away and I learned today I have two heel bone spurs, one in the bottom of my heel and the other in the back of my heel. These are on my right foot. So this is why I can't walk. Looks like more foot surgery for me...someday?/!@
Thank you Jess and Maxine for dinner tonight. It was so appreciated and helped both of us out more than you'll ever know. We're both losing weight. Janeen doesn't care about eating and I can't get to the food. What a pair we are but I wouldn't change a thing even if I could.
Pistol Pete (Jack) spent the night with me last evening. He cried, he wanted to come home with me so badly. He said to Janeen, " mom, go to your room and rest!" " I'm going home with anni". We got home and he ran ahead to my bed and by the time I hobbled in there, he was sitting in my bed and said, " let's party!" I swear to you I thought I was going to die laughing. What would Janeen and I do without Baby Nack???
Love to all and we hope to hear from you when you have time to keep in touch.
Barb
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
A Little Background
My last doctor visit I was asked if I would speak to a woman having my same procedure in the next few weeks. I was shocked and honored that they felt I was improving so well, that I could share a bit of my experience. I spoke to her today and I felt that perhaps I should write about it as well. I know I have family and friends checking in and reading this blog but since I do not have thousands of friends, I think there may be some strangers reading this and if I can help....here it goes.
Getting a BRCA (1 or 2) diagnosis is startling to say the least. I didn't even know what it meant. I met with a genetic counselor and although she was very nice and was there to answer questions, I didn't even know what to ask. She handed me information for a hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy. All I could think of was, "What the hell is happeneing, I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!" Little did I know that it wasn't a matter of IF I got cancer, it was a matter of WHEN.
After crying for hours I called my primary physician, Dr. Jon Cole as well as my gynocologist Dr. Jon Wheeler. I met with them both and they agreed, yes, I needed to address this and soon.
I am BRCA 2 positive. I was born with this gene; a glitch in my DNA. I am thankful I live in a time where a simple albeit expensive blood test can tell me what my future would hold. Something I was also shocked about it that this gene is from my father's side. Most people think you can only get breast cancer if your mother or a female in your family has had cancer. My father is also BRCA positive; even though he has not been tested, you get 50% of your genes from your father and 50% from your mother. My patrnal grandmother had breast cancer in her 30's and my father's sister got breast cancer at 41. These ages are two red flags! Her daughter, my cousin, is also BRCA 2 positive. So there is a chance that my brother may also be positive and that I have passed this gene to my son. A BRCA positive gene for a man gives them a higher chance of breast cancer too as well as prostate cancer.
A BRCA 1 diagnosis has a greater focus on ovarian cancer along with breast cancer. A BRCA 2 diagnosis has a greater focus on breast cancer, and then ovarian cancer.
So now that I have had my bilateral mastectomy, I do have to address my ovaries. This will be next year as I cannot even image yet another surgery right now. I still have a few surgeries to complete my breast reconstruction. As I have written, what I am feeling now, I do not want anyone to touch me right now.
Dr. Jon Cole is an amazing doctor who always gives me so much time. He met with me initially and he said, "You are NOT getting cancer." He gave me referrals and I was on my way to look for my "team." And you do need a team. I had one nurse tell me, "Oh you just find a plastic surgeon and you"ll be fine." Uh, NOT. This is no slam dunk. I also heard from another doctor that she would have me in and out in 3 hours. This was a mastectomy with implants.
I met with Dr. Robert Cole, yes they are brothers. He is a general surgeon and a great one at that. He removed a melanoma for me years ago and I knew he was going to be my surgeon. I met with various plastic surgeons in Orange County as well as Los Angeles. I just didn't find a good fit with doctors in my home area, OC. Or if I liked one doctor I didn't care for who they worked with. Then again on the advice of Jon Cole, I met Dr. Jay Orringer, my plastic surgeon. He was the only doctor that offered a DIEP flap. This is where they take your own tissue for immediate reconstruction. Initially he said it would be a 10-12 hour surgery. I thought OMG, I DON'T HAVE CANCER, this isn't necessary. But after much consideration and meeting with even more doctors, who didn't perform this surgery said, that I would be a good candidate for it, if I found a doctor good enough to do it. I needed doctors that had done this thousands of times. And Dr. Orringer was my guy.
Dr. Orringer also felt that I needed a microsurgeon on my team. He is the one that reconnects all of my blood vessels after the tissue transfer. And this amazing man is Dr. Jay Granzow. He is so accredited it's stunning. When I met with Dr. Granzow, he agreed with Dr. Orringer and thought the DIEP flap would be the best FOR ME.
I was diagnosed with BRCA in November 2010. I was on the fast track because I'm a single parent to at that time a 17 mos. old boy. My head was spinning, meeting with doctors, having a breast MRI, then another mammogram. I also had to address my ovaries, so I had to have blood tests, CA-125 in particular (which throws off false positives) but both times they came back negative. My next CA-125 be will in February next year. I also had to continue meeting with my gynocologist and had vaginal ultrasounds. I also had to have a hysteroscopy before my breast surgery. I still have to be monitored until I address my ovaries. I was also taking the birth control pill again as per my oncologist to protect my ovaries, but had to get off that a few weeks before my surgery so that I didn't get a blood clot. It was just one thing after another and constant monitoring. I was supposed to have surgery in February 2011 and after numerous panic attacks I knew I wasn't ready. So although I was already living with doctors, I needed more time. So I chose to continue being monitored which meant I had to repeat many of the same tests.
September 12, 2011 ended up being my surgery date and I knew it was time. My 10-12 hour, then 15 hour surgery, ended up being 18 and 1/2 hours. I will forver be grateful to Dr. Robert Cole, Dr. Jay Orringer, Dr. Jay Granzow and all the doctors and nurses and staff at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica.
A BRCA diagnosis is not to be taken lightly. Again while I did not and do not have cancer I have a wonderful oncologist that has made me aware of other cancers because of the BRCA, one being pancreatic cancer. I will continue to have my pancreas checked every year and I will also have to be diligent with colon screening (I've already had 2 colonoscopies). Please don't listen to what the news says about cancer screening and the ages you need to start getting monitored. If you have a gut feeling or have a history in your family, take control and do something about it.
I have said a lot tonight and this is still just the cliff notes of my year. I never thought that this would be my movie. Some have called me pro-active and brave and gutzy. But really I'm just a Mom who wants to continue being a Mom. And I also have a pretty tough Mom who would kick my ass if I decided to stick my head in the sand. For anyone newly diagnosed with BRCA, take charge. You can make a difference. F*^#k Cancer. Believe me, if I can do this, so can you. You are not alone.
God Bless You, Janeen
Getting a BRCA (1 or 2) diagnosis is startling to say the least. I didn't even know what it meant. I met with a genetic counselor and although she was very nice and was there to answer questions, I didn't even know what to ask. She handed me information for a hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy. All I could think of was, "What the hell is happeneing, I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!" Little did I know that it wasn't a matter of IF I got cancer, it was a matter of WHEN.
After crying for hours I called my primary physician, Dr. Jon Cole as well as my gynocologist Dr. Jon Wheeler. I met with them both and they agreed, yes, I needed to address this and soon.
I am BRCA 2 positive. I was born with this gene; a glitch in my DNA. I am thankful I live in a time where a simple albeit expensive blood test can tell me what my future would hold. Something I was also shocked about it that this gene is from my father's side. Most people think you can only get breast cancer if your mother or a female in your family has had cancer. My father is also BRCA positive; even though he has not been tested, you get 50% of your genes from your father and 50% from your mother. My patrnal grandmother had breast cancer in her 30's and my father's sister got breast cancer at 41. These ages are two red flags! Her daughter, my cousin, is also BRCA 2 positive. So there is a chance that my brother may also be positive and that I have passed this gene to my son. A BRCA positive gene for a man gives them a higher chance of breast cancer too as well as prostate cancer.
A BRCA 1 diagnosis has a greater focus on ovarian cancer along with breast cancer. A BRCA 2 diagnosis has a greater focus on breast cancer, and then ovarian cancer.
So now that I have had my bilateral mastectomy, I do have to address my ovaries. This will be next year as I cannot even image yet another surgery right now. I still have a few surgeries to complete my breast reconstruction. As I have written, what I am feeling now, I do not want anyone to touch me right now.
Dr. Jon Cole is an amazing doctor who always gives me so much time. He met with me initially and he said, "You are NOT getting cancer." He gave me referrals and I was on my way to look for my "team." And you do need a team. I had one nurse tell me, "Oh you just find a plastic surgeon and you"ll be fine." Uh, NOT. This is no slam dunk. I also heard from another doctor that she would have me in and out in 3 hours. This was a mastectomy with implants.
I met with Dr. Robert Cole, yes they are brothers. He is a general surgeon and a great one at that. He removed a melanoma for me years ago and I knew he was going to be my surgeon. I met with various plastic surgeons in Orange County as well as Los Angeles. I just didn't find a good fit with doctors in my home area, OC. Or if I liked one doctor I didn't care for who they worked with. Then again on the advice of Jon Cole, I met Dr. Jay Orringer, my plastic surgeon. He was the only doctor that offered a DIEP flap. This is where they take your own tissue for immediate reconstruction. Initially he said it would be a 10-12 hour surgery. I thought OMG, I DON'T HAVE CANCER, this isn't necessary. But after much consideration and meeting with even more doctors, who didn't perform this surgery said, that I would be a good candidate for it, if I found a doctor good enough to do it. I needed doctors that had done this thousands of times. And Dr. Orringer was my guy.
Dr. Orringer also felt that I needed a microsurgeon on my team. He is the one that reconnects all of my blood vessels after the tissue transfer. And this amazing man is Dr. Jay Granzow. He is so accredited it's stunning. When I met with Dr. Granzow, he agreed with Dr. Orringer and thought the DIEP flap would be the best FOR ME.
I was diagnosed with BRCA in November 2010. I was on the fast track because I'm a single parent to at that time a 17 mos. old boy. My head was spinning, meeting with doctors, having a breast MRI, then another mammogram. I also had to address my ovaries, so I had to have blood tests, CA-125 in particular (which throws off false positives) but both times they came back negative. My next CA-125 be will in February next year. I also had to continue meeting with my gynocologist and had vaginal ultrasounds. I also had to have a hysteroscopy before my breast surgery. I still have to be monitored until I address my ovaries. I was also taking the birth control pill again as per my oncologist to protect my ovaries, but had to get off that a few weeks before my surgery so that I didn't get a blood clot. It was just one thing after another and constant monitoring. I was supposed to have surgery in February 2011 and after numerous panic attacks I knew I wasn't ready. So although I was already living with doctors, I needed more time. So I chose to continue being monitored which meant I had to repeat many of the same tests.
September 12, 2011 ended up being my surgery date and I knew it was time. My 10-12 hour, then 15 hour surgery, ended up being 18 and 1/2 hours. I will forver be grateful to Dr. Robert Cole, Dr. Jay Orringer, Dr. Jay Granzow and all the doctors and nurses and staff at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica.
A BRCA diagnosis is not to be taken lightly. Again while I did not and do not have cancer I have a wonderful oncologist that has made me aware of other cancers because of the BRCA, one being pancreatic cancer. I will continue to have my pancreas checked every year and I will also have to be diligent with colon screening (I've already had 2 colonoscopies). Please don't listen to what the news says about cancer screening and the ages you need to start getting monitored. If you have a gut feeling or have a history in your family, take control and do something about it.
I have said a lot tonight and this is still just the cliff notes of my year. I never thought that this would be my movie. Some have called me pro-active and brave and gutzy. But really I'm just a Mom who wants to continue being a Mom. And I also have a pretty tough Mom who would kick my ass if I decided to stick my head in the sand. For anyone newly diagnosed with BRCA, take charge. You can make a difference. F*^#k Cancer. Believe me, if I can do this, so can you. You are not alone.
God Bless You, Janeen
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's been 3 weeks today!
Cannot believe three weeks ago today I was having surgery. So after an exhausting Friday of having my drainage ball removed and stitches and Mom's doctor appointment, I was too tired to finally shower. So it waited until Saturday. Felt good. Mom took Jack that night so I called it a night very early and was able to sleep in, which was quite nice. The weekend flew by. I am now feeling a burning sensation all on my torso. I know it's due to surgery. A shirt, a sheet, sometimes feels like too much on me. A blanket last night as far too heavy. I was able to sort of lay on my side, kind of, with pillows on either side of me and that gave me some back relief. I realized that I would have to drug myself 24/7 and be in the loopy state to get the relief I'm looking for and since this is not possible, I have to deal with it, work through it and give myself TIME. I am numb but I feel this burning and pressure. It's hard to explain. My skin feels incredibly uncomfortable. It also feels thick. I am still very swollen. I'm happy to report that I'm down 10 lbs so far and Mom is down over 20 lbs. It's called the Stress Diet. I don't recommend it, but it's working. I am trying to eat but nothing sounds that great and some days I get Jack covered and I forget to eat myself. I believe the extra sleep I got on Saturday night helped me a lot. I just want to close my eyes every chance I get so I sleep when Jack sleeps. He tried to cuddle with me last night, but it's still difficult and I'm trying to protect myself, so I feel bad.
So this is where I'm at today. Again, I thank everyone who continues to read this and checks in on me. I have to say if I don't move, I feel OK today, but getting up now to make lunch for Jack. So much for not moving. I have Darren coming over this afternoon to play with my little monkey.
I am getting cabin fever. I drive just little bits, like to moms house and back, but maybe I can have a coffee date with some of you soon. I'll be the one hunched over walking like a troll.
Hope you're all having a great day. Moms at a foot clinic today. I pray she gets some relief.
Sincerely, Janeen
So this is where I'm at today. Again, I thank everyone who continues to read this and checks in on me. I have to say if I don't move, I feel OK today, but getting up now to make lunch for Jack. So much for not moving. I have Darren coming over this afternoon to play with my little monkey.
I am getting cabin fever. I drive just little bits, like to moms house and back, but maybe I can have a coffee date with some of you soon. I'll be the one hunched over walking like a troll.
Hope you're all having a great day. Moms at a foot clinic today. I pray she gets some relief.
Sincerely, Janeen
Friday, September 30, 2011
Feeling a bit more human
Got the last of my balls removed today. Finally. And yes it hurt, but at this point what's new. I got a few more stitches out as well. I cannot even imagine another surgery. But all in time.
I've been writing in my journal and I keep ending each entry with "feeling aggro....Pain this, pain that..." So it'll be 3 weeks this Monday. So yeah, everyone says I look great and I'm doing far more than I ever thought I would be doing at this point, but I'm more exhausted now than when I left the hospital and recovery center. And I think I've been trying to keep up with how everybody thinks I'm doing and so I'm aggro.
I received an email from a friend and former neighbor, who is currently living with cancer, and she wrote about acceptance and how just because you may look good doesn't mean your not hurting. Yes, my spirits are up, especially after today but I hurt every single second of everyday. I know one of my lessons here is patience. Not my strong suit. I don't want you to read this and think I'm sitting here complaining. I do not regret my surgery or the choices I've made...I reduced my chances of getting cancer by 90%. And there are people out there with cancer or some other ailments that live with pain 24/7. I know I will get better. I know I need time, I'm just telling you how I feel. So I don't mean to be difficult to friends and family that want to visit. Nobody can make this better. Nobody can take away my pain. I love you all for your prayers and emails and tweets and phone messages, etc.....but I need time.
To my Mom, my angel.....I love you so much. We certainly are a pair hobbling around these last few weeks together. I know this has been so difficult for you and I know you know physical pain. You give me strength.
To baby Jack....My love. You are so gentle with mommy and her boo-boos. When you lay in bed with me and hold my hand or look over and me and say, "Hi Mommy." it melts my heart. I hope you have no memory of this someday, but I will certainly share this experience with you. You will also know how much we are loved by so many. We are very blessed Jack.
"I am perpetually with you, taking care of you. This is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever-promise.......I am training you to keep your focus on My Presence in the present..." This is just part of a beautiful passage that was given to me today.
Yeah, I'm in training, for sure.
Love, Janeen
I've been writing in my journal and I keep ending each entry with "feeling aggro....Pain this, pain that..." So it'll be 3 weeks this Monday. So yeah, everyone says I look great and I'm doing far more than I ever thought I would be doing at this point, but I'm more exhausted now than when I left the hospital and recovery center. And I think I've been trying to keep up with how everybody thinks I'm doing and so I'm aggro.
I received an email from a friend and former neighbor, who is currently living with cancer, and she wrote about acceptance and how just because you may look good doesn't mean your not hurting. Yes, my spirits are up, especially after today but I hurt every single second of everyday. I know one of my lessons here is patience. Not my strong suit. I don't want you to read this and think I'm sitting here complaining. I do not regret my surgery or the choices I've made...I reduced my chances of getting cancer by 90%. And there are people out there with cancer or some other ailments that live with pain 24/7. I know I will get better. I know I need time, I'm just telling you how I feel. So I don't mean to be difficult to friends and family that want to visit. Nobody can make this better. Nobody can take away my pain. I love you all for your prayers and emails and tweets and phone messages, etc.....but I need time.
To my Mom, my angel.....I love you so much. We certainly are a pair hobbling around these last few weeks together. I know this has been so difficult for you and I know you know physical pain. You give me strength.
To baby Jack....My love. You are so gentle with mommy and her boo-boos. When you lay in bed with me and hold my hand or look over and me and say, "Hi Mommy." it melts my heart. I hope you have no memory of this someday, but I will certainly share this experience with you. You will also know how much we are loved by so many. We are very blessed Jack.
"I am perpetually with you, taking care of you. This is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever-promise.......I am training you to keep your focus on My Presence in the present..." This is just part of a beautiful passage that was given to me today.
Yeah, I'm in training, for sure.
Love, Janeen
Mommy's Balls Gone
I'm Jack! I got to go to LA today with my mommy and my anni. Mommy went to her doctor first and had her last ball taken out. OUCH!!!! She also showed me a really long blue string that her doctor took out of her " boobie"...OUCH!!!! My mommy is the strongest mommy in all the world.
Then anni was next. She went in a room and was gone for what seemed like forever. You know I'm only two so forever is a really long time. Mommy said I had to be quiet because I was in a hospital, but I kept calling, " anni come here!" "Anni come here now!" When she didn't come out I went and knocked on the door and guess what? My anni opened the door and I was so happy to see her. We walked out of the hospital holding hands. We then went to get something to eat and anni bought me a new train set for being such a good boy. I had fun with my to favorite ladies today.
Oh, mommy goes back to her doctor in 1 and 1/2 weeks and anni said they couldn't find the reason for her legs hurting. Don't know what she's going to do, but my mommy is healing just fine.
That's all........Baby Nack!(Jack)
Then anni was next. She went in a room and was gone for what seemed like forever. You know I'm only two so forever is a really long time. Mommy said I had to be quiet because I was in a hospital, but I kept calling, " anni come here!" "Anni come here now!" When she didn't come out I went and knocked on the door and guess what? My anni opened the door and I was so happy to see her. We walked out of the hospital holding hands. We then went to get something to eat and anni bought me a new train set for being such a good boy. I had fun with my to favorite ladies today.
Oh, mommy goes back to her doctor in 1 and 1/2 weeks and anni said they couldn't find the reason for her legs hurting. Don't know what she's going to do, but my mommy is healing just fine.
That's all........Baby Nack!(Jack)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Janeen's Spirits Raised
It has been one hell of a week. Janeen's expectations of herself so unrealisticlly high, one drain still flopping around or tucked into pants, not to mention the pain for which she will only take Tylenol so she can keep up with Jack. It didn't help that I needed to remain off my leg as much as possible so I feel useless. But there is good news and I want to share.
Tomorrow we will go back to St. John's Hospital. We will meet Janeen's doctor there after he gets out of surgery and I have scheduled a vascular study of my legs while we are there. We're gonna kill two birds with one stone. We'll each take our turn watching Jack while the other is being worked on, so how's that for organization? See, where there is a will there is a way!
The next good thing that happened today, Janeen heard from James VanPraagh, New York Times bestselling author of Unfinished Business, Ghosts Among Us, and Talking to Heaven. We met him years ago at John Wayne Airport and we continue to run in to him here in Orange County as well as in Las Vegas. He lectures and conducts seminars around the globe, one seminar in August Janeen and I attended. Janeen has made reference to him in one of her earlier posts, but he wrote her today. He couldn't figure out how to comment which still remains a problem for some but I want to share with you his message to Janeen.
Hi Janeen,
" I just got home from a working trip in Europe and now that I am in front of a working computer, the first thing I am doing is checking in with you. Brian called me while I was in Italy and told me about your surgery. I lit a candle for you in a little chapal on the Amalfi Coast. I am sending you healing energy and lots of love and good wishes for a speedy recovery." xoxo to my Vegas girl.
Janeen has followed James Van Praagh's Inspirational Quotes throughout her journey so it meant the world to her that he has sent healing energy her way and a candle burns for her in her beloved Italy. This my friends put a huge smile on my daughter's face tonight.
A big Thank You to James from the other Vegas girl................Barb
Tomorrow we will go back to St. John's Hospital. We will meet Janeen's doctor there after he gets out of surgery and I have scheduled a vascular study of my legs while we are there. We're gonna kill two birds with one stone. We'll each take our turn watching Jack while the other is being worked on, so how's that for organization? See, where there is a will there is a way!
The next good thing that happened today, Janeen heard from James VanPraagh, New York Times bestselling author of Unfinished Business, Ghosts Among Us, and Talking to Heaven. We met him years ago at John Wayne Airport and we continue to run in to him here in Orange County as well as in Las Vegas. He lectures and conducts seminars around the globe, one seminar in August Janeen and I attended. Janeen has made reference to him in one of her earlier posts, but he wrote her today. He couldn't figure out how to comment which still remains a problem for some but I want to share with you his message to Janeen.
Hi Janeen,
" I just got home from a working trip in Europe and now that I am in front of a working computer, the first thing I am doing is checking in with you. Brian called me while I was in Italy and told me about your surgery. I lit a candle for you in a little chapal on the Amalfi Coast. I am sending you healing energy and lots of love and good wishes for a speedy recovery." xoxo to my Vegas girl.
Janeen has followed James Van Praagh's Inspirational Quotes throughout her journey so it meant the world to her that he has sent healing energy her way and a candle burns for her in her beloved Italy. This my friends put a huge smile on my daughter's face tonight.
A big Thank You to James from the other Vegas girl................Barb
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Pictures as promised
This is me in ICU after my 18 and 1/2 hours surgery. I think it may have been 11 or Midnight?
Not really sure. It may have been the early hours of Tuesday 9/13?
This is me holding my pain button that I could give myself every 6 minutes.
I just waited for that button to turn green so I could take another hit....
and I did. Six minutes sometimes feels like forever.
Have no clue what day this is, but I finally see Mom.
Getting strong doppler sounds from transplant.
They had me sitting in a chair day 2; walking the halls day 3.
Doctor Straub, the last of my team to show up.
Although he was the only doctor that saw me and cried.
My first hug from my beautiful boy. He gave me a shot.
I cried. I missed him so much.
Finally at Serenity House recovering, day 6. Me and Jack holding hands
and watching TV in bed. Those beautiful flowers are from my Jack.
Of course Jack had more fun playing IN the furniture than sitting
in bed with me. What are you going to do?
Wednesday, September 28.
So here are just a few pictures. My Mom came over this morning and rubbed my back which made a huge difference. Have a babysitter today so I get another break. I'm so thankful. And to you all that have offered to help out. Just been feeling a bit sad lately. Overwhelmed. Hurt. Blessed. My body feels so foreign. It's like I just can't get a break. Like one day pain free. Not happening. EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is tough. I hope to be in better spirits next time. Again have so much to share. Whether anyone reads it or not, I need to get it out of my head. Until then.....peace.
Janeen
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Day of tears
It's been a day of tears. I have so much to write but it hurts like hell to sit here at the computer, so it'll have to wait. My aunt and uncle took Jack most of today so maybe it's because I had some alone time I just let go? My back is KILLING me. My shoulders, neck..legs fatigued. Everyone is so impressed with my progress and yet I feel like I am just hanging on, especially today. Cannot believe I am now past the two week mark and yet it's only been two weeks. I feel like it's been way longer just because I have this constant reminder; the tightness in my chest and stomache. My muscles just constantly flexed partly because I cannot stand straight and partly because I feel protected hunched over. I feel like I've taken a few steps back today. Oh this fucking pain! Hurts to cry but I feel like I need to get it out. Going to bed. Good night.
Janeen
Janeen
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Tag Team - I'm It !
Isn't Janeen incredible? Do not let ANYONE say to you " that women aren't the stronger sex". Her recovery has amazed all the doctor's and me and yes, Janeen too. I only lasted one and a half days with her once we got home. I ended up with a nasty leg infection which planted me on my back, leg elevated and antibiotics. Janeen has been on her own cooking, cleaning and chasing Jack. Jack gets on a step stool to get in and out of his bed and up on the changing table. She made my signature soup Friday. I was going to make it for her.....yes, she's cooking for me also. It wasn't suppose to go down like this, I am the one who is suppose to do the taking care of. She measures and cleans her own drains and is wearing clothes now so she can pin her drains to something instead of them hanging. Yep, Jack has seen her body. He was speechless then said, " mommy's balls " and ran out of the room. He continues to crack us up.
I took breakfast (Mcie D's) this a.m. and brought Jack home with me so Janeen could get some much needed rest. For all of you that are anxious to see her and visit, she really needs some more time. Perhaps towards the end of next week. Hopefully, her drains will come out Monday but the output as of this morning was still too high. So we have to wait and see. Her spirits are great, way better than I had anticipated, and I think she is gorgeous, but then I always have found her beauty to be in abundance. God threw away the mold after He made her. How blessed I have been to be the one chosen for her to call Mom.
We will get through this recovery time together. Setbacks cannot stop us. We are family, we are strong and we know what it is like to Love and be Loved. Thank you all again for your help, you've been awesome teachers and I will cherish each and everyone of you always.
Love to all,
Barb
I took breakfast (Mcie D's) this a.m. and brought Jack home with me so Janeen could get some much needed rest. For all of you that are anxious to see her and visit, she really needs some more time. Perhaps towards the end of next week. Hopefully, her drains will come out Monday but the output as of this morning was still too high. So we have to wait and see. Her spirits are great, way better than I had anticipated, and I think she is gorgeous, but then I always have found her beauty to be in abundance. God threw away the mold after He made her. How blessed I have been to be the one chosen for her to call Mom.
We will get through this recovery time together. Setbacks cannot stop us. We are family, we are strong and we know what it is like to Love and be Loved. Thank you all again for your help, you've been awesome teachers and I will cherish each and everyone of you always.
Love to all,
Barb
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
What a day!
It's been a tough and emotional day. I continue to do more than I am supposed to, but it's hard to stay down. The 2 pints of my own blood they put back in me may be the reason I am healing so well right now. I still feel like a truck hit me, but everyone is amazed at my progress and my color. I don't feel as perky.
I finally had a chance to read all the posts from my amazing mom and everyone's response. Do I have an incredible mother or what? How raw and revealing and honest she has been. I think she revealed things that I didn't even know.
Before my surgery, Mom and I went to an evening with James Van Praagh. It was a powerful night. He intuitively knew of my upcoming procedure and continued to touch his abdomen and chest area. He askes that you validate what he says with a verbal, yes or no. It was Yes, Yes, Yes the entire reading. But moreso, he said that me and mom were almost one. He could see a gold thread intertwined between the two of us. This didn't surprise me, just confirmation of just how close we are.
My dear mom.......You are my rock and yet as I read your posts my face is stained with tears. How brave of you...knowing that I would read this. I know there is a bond within us that was tied with a golden thread long ago. You are brave and gracious and you are love and joy. Whatever strength I have I get from you.
For all of you reading and for those I have texted or emailed, I have to be honest in saying I have almost zero recollection of doing any of this. My surgery week is alomost a blur. I'm still having memory issues. Reading what my mom wrote has filled in the gaps for me. I'm still foggy. I have 2 drains in still. I have to stripe the lines and empty them every 12 hours and it makes me nauseous. My body feels so foreign to me. I know I need time and this is one of my many lessons; patience and time. I ask God to grant me the strength and patience everyday as I am in for a long recovery period. I don't even care what I will look like anymore because I feel so weird, but I know now I will wear my scars proudly. I've earned it!!!
So today was also rough because mom has a leg infection. It's very difficult for her to stand, walk, much less run around after a two year old. She decided tonight after she put Jack to bed that she was going home. Of course I started to cry. I know I can pretty much do things for myself. And she will be back in the morning, but if we have any late night readers, I would ask for your continued prayers for all of us. I think my mom was worried that her body would give out or betray her in some way. I think God knows I'm fine and it's His way of telling her she needs to go back and take care of herself. I've been through a lot, but emotional rollar coasters can be just as dangerous. She needs time for her. I'll start to call on those that have offered to help.
I re-read what I wrote and I still feel so off. I think I need more time for the fog to wear off. Not sure if I'm making sense?
I thank everyone who is taking the time to read this. For those praying for me and my family. To my family and friends, GOD, I love you all!! Gods blessings comes in many forms. My physical pain is nothing compared to what I have gained in my mind and heart. I'm blessed!
Good night. Mom, be well. See you tomorrow.
Love, Janeen
P.S. Sleep tight my baby Jack. Mommy loves you!
I finally had a chance to read all the posts from my amazing mom and everyone's response. Do I have an incredible mother or what? How raw and revealing and honest she has been. I think she revealed things that I didn't even know.
Before my surgery, Mom and I went to an evening with James Van Praagh. It was a powerful night. He intuitively knew of my upcoming procedure and continued to touch his abdomen and chest area. He askes that you validate what he says with a verbal, yes or no. It was Yes, Yes, Yes the entire reading. But moreso, he said that me and mom were almost one. He could see a gold thread intertwined between the two of us. This didn't surprise me, just confirmation of just how close we are.
My dear mom.......You are my rock and yet as I read your posts my face is stained with tears. How brave of you...knowing that I would read this. I know there is a bond within us that was tied with a golden thread long ago. You are brave and gracious and you are love and joy. Whatever strength I have I get from you.
For all of you reading and for those I have texted or emailed, I have to be honest in saying I have almost zero recollection of doing any of this. My surgery week is alomost a blur. I'm still having memory issues. Reading what my mom wrote has filled in the gaps for me. I'm still foggy. I have 2 drains in still. I have to stripe the lines and empty them every 12 hours and it makes me nauseous. My body feels so foreign to me. I know I need time and this is one of my many lessons; patience and time. I ask God to grant me the strength and patience everyday as I am in for a long recovery period. I don't even care what I will look like anymore because I feel so weird, but I know now I will wear my scars proudly. I've earned it!!!
So today was also rough because mom has a leg infection. It's very difficult for her to stand, walk, much less run around after a two year old. She decided tonight after she put Jack to bed that she was going home. Of course I started to cry. I know I can pretty much do things for myself. And she will be back in the morning, but if we have any late night readers, I would ask for your continued prayers for all of us. I think my mom was worried that her body would give out or betray her in some way. I think God knows I'm fine and it's His way of telling her she needs to go back and take care of herself. I've been through a lot, but emotional rollar coasters can be just as dangerous. She needs time for her. I'll start to call on those that have offered to help.
I re-read what I wrote and I still feel so off. I think I need more time for the fog to wear off. Not sure if I'm making sense?
I thank everyone who is taking the time to read this. For those praying for me and my family. To my family and friends, GOD, I love you all!! Gods blessings comes in many forms. My physical pain is nothing compared to what I have gained in my mind and heart. I'm blessed!
Good night. Mom, be well. See you tomorrow.
Love, Janeen
P.S. Sleep tight my baby Jack. Mommy loves you!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I'm Home
My mom justed showed me this blog that she started for me. I am so overwhelmed right now that it will take some time to read what she has started and all of your comments.
This has been a very difficult process for us all. But I must say I am in awe of the many blessings God continues to bestow upon me and my family.
I am forever grateful for the love and support. I thank God for He surrounded me with such amazing and talented doctors and nurses. He walked with me when I was scared. He was there with me when I was wheeled into the operating room for what turned out to be an 18 and 1/2 hour surgery. He was by my mom's side the entire time. As well as all of my family and friends that were praying for me. And He continues to be with me as I heal.
This has been a life altering experience and one that I will not take lightly. I am forever changed. I have a much deeper faith when at times I thought I had none. I know now that it does no good to hang onto anger and hurt. We are all here to love and BE loved.
I am home tonight with my mom and beloved son Jack and my puppies Sophie and Pearl. I couldn't be any happier right now. I missed Jack so much. He's the love of my life. I will continue at a later date......Thank you.
Love, Janeen
This has been a very difficult process for us all. But I must say I am in awe of the many blessings God continues to bestow upon me and my family.
I am forever grateful for the love and support. I thank God for He surrounded me with such amazing and talented doctors and nurses. He walked with me when I was scared. He was there with me when I was wheeled into the operating room for what turned out to be an 18 and 1/2 hour surgery. He was by my mom's side the entire time. As well as all of my family and friends that were praying for me. And He continues to be with me as I heal.
This has been a life altering experience and one that I will not take lightly. I am forever changed. I have a much deeper faith when at times I thought I had none. I know now that it does no good to hang onto anger and hurt. We are all here to love and BE loved.
I am home tonight with my mom and beloved son Jack and my puppies Sophie and Pearl. I couldn't be any happier right now. I missed Jack so much. He's the love of my life. I will continue at a later date......Thank you.
Love, Janeen
Monday, September 19, 2011
Good-bye..9-19-11
Tomorrow around noon Janeen and I will say good-bye to all doctor's, nurses, Serenity House and Santa Monica. The doctor's released her as of today and she is most anxious to get home. I held up the return home date as I really needed a day for me and I felt terrible but Janeen understood and so tomorrow will become the big day. We have only spoken by phone today but she is getting off almost all of her drugs, I think for pain she is only managing it with Tylenol and Ambein to sleep. All the other meds are up-
setting her stomach. Two drains have to stay in until next week when we will come back here for a check up and they will take the drains out at that time. She's going crazy without a shower, a sponge bath daily just doesn't cut it. When I go to Serenity House tomorrow we are going to get her hair washed and that will make her feel better.
Tomorrow night she will be in her own bed with Jack and her beloved Sophie & Pearl. She wants to see her girls as she has also missed them terribly.
My daily devotional has helped me so much. I like the following: Trust ME and refuse to worry, for I AM YOUR STRENGTH AND SONG. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks-or even
tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I AM YOUR STRENGTH, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes. Because I AM YOUR SONG, I can give you Joy as you work alongside Me.
One day very soon, this blog will be turned over to Janeen. I will be staying at Janeen's for some time, maybe 6 weeks, we will both need to pull strength from God's love for us.....two very strong women under the same roof and one adorable little boy. That's going to be another whole different story and Janeen can write that one. One thing i know for sure, both of us are bursting with gratitude for all our many blessings.
Good-bye for now.........Barb
setting her stomach. Two drains have to stay in until next week when we will come back here for a check up and they will take the drains out at that time. She's going crazy without a shower, a sponge bath daily just doesn't cut it. When I go to Serenity House tomorrow we are going to get her hair washed and that will make her feel better.
Tomorrow night she will be in her own bed with Jack and her beloved Sophie & Pearl. She wants to see her girls as she has also missed them terribly.
My daily devotional has helped me so much. I like the following: Trust ME and refuse to worry, for I AM YOUR STRENGTH AND SONG. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks-or even
tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I AM YOUR STRENGTH, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes. Because I AM YOUR SONG, I can give you Joy as you work alongside Me.
One day very soon, this blog will be turned over to Janeen. I will be staying at Janeen's for some time, maybe 6 weeks, we will both need to pull strength from God's love for us.....two very strong women under the same roof and one adorable little boy. That's going to be another whole different story and Janeen can write that one. One thing i know for sure, both of us are bursting with gratitude for all our many blessings.
Good-bye for now.........Barb
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