The Night Before...

I'm sitting here tonight at Serenity House awaiting my second reconstructive surgery tomorrow morning.  Can't believe I'm back here already.  Just 5 months from my last visit.  I am beyond exhausted.  I look terrible; have blood shot eyes.  I've been anxiously awaiting this second procedure.  I have had many sleepless nights.  I have never handled stress very well but now that I am a single parent, I think it gets worse.  I actually have been so anxiety ridden that my face is broken out, I have been sick to my stomach, my teeth hurt, nails chipping; sweet huh?  

This month I also had to return to my gynecologist for another CA-125 and yet another ultrasound.  The ultrasound showed something so my doctor asked me to return two days later for a hysteroscopy (knowing my second breast surgery was just days away).  So Friday I went it and he confirmed that I now have endometrial polyps.  This has nothing to do with my current situation but they need to be removed, so I will be doing this next.  The ultrasound showed very nice, healthy looking ovaries with follicles so I just bought myself another 6 months before I have to have the hysterectomy discussion again.  Once again I have been living with doctor appointments; so many lately.  

I'm thrilled my mom got to get away to Hawaii for some much needed R&R because I think I will really need more help this time as I have no hospital stay, just Serenity for a few days, then home.  I hate being away from Jack and my puggies, but I know they're fine and I will see them soon.

I was told tomorrow will be a 6 hour surgery, then got confirmation today that it's scheduled to be 8 hours.  I won't know the difference but mom will.  I haven't talked to anybody really so this may be the first you're reading about this second surgery date.  Sorry folks...just haven't felt like talking.

Tomorrow I will be getting my nipples.  How Dr. Orringer is going to accomplish this I still have no idea.  Also my right breast is noticeably larger so this breast has to be cut underneath and tissue removed so that it matches the smaller left breast.  Then I will be getting liposuction to tailor my new skin shirt that I spoke about previously.  My torso was pulled so tight that I bulge out on the sides.  I also have walnut size scar tissue forming on my abdominal scar that I asked Dr. Orringer to remove.  He said there is no way he is opening up that scar again to remove scar tissue.  So I guess I live with walnuts.  I have to break them up myself, but it feels very thick and gross.  I'm still quite numb from the September surgery so I'm not sure what my pain level will be, but I will wake up in these beautiful undergarments with donuts over my new nipples.  He already warned me that when I wake up I will probably be shocked when I see what I look like.  My nipples will be the size of his thumb and full of stitches.  Man made nipples shrink 80% so they need to get them as large as they can initially.  As much as I appreciate his honesty, I have had to live with this image for weeks now making my anxiety even worse.

I can feel myself coming down from all my angst lately.  Jack isn't here; no dogs and I'm so fatigued I feel like I'm in slow motion.  Gotta take my meds and ask mom to get back in her own bed....she's preoccupied with Letterman now.  I guess she'll me posting after tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day.  I LOVE YOU JACK!!!!!!

Love, Janeen    

D-Day

Packing is completed and only have to run a few errands before Janeen and I head out.  Janeen came over this morning with Jack and Starbucks in hand, and she looks like she has not slept in days.  She is so nervous and I cannot do anything or say anything that will give her peace of mind.  She certainly is not ready for this proceedure but it has to be done.  There will never be a good time, so now is as good as any.  Hopefully, she will be so druged she won't remember the first night and next day.  She has no recall of the last surgery until the second day.  This time by then we will be on our way home.

We've tried to prepare Jack as much as possible.  He has become very clingy to both of us.  He knows mommy and Anni are going to LA again to fix mommy's boobies.  He made us promise we would come back.  He once again will stay busy with my sister and her husband and they will do fun things with him.  He got a new Mater-Tryk for Valentine's Day and boy does he think he is something.  He's anxious to ride it to the park, Anni's park.  Jack will be so busy, we will be home before he can miss us.

Ms. Janeen will come home and do nothing but rest.  I mean nothing!  She needs to let her body heal and her mind and trust in God.  He will watch over her in surgery, I truly believe this, and He will walk beside her during the healing process.  Knowing how God works brings me comfort, strength and yes,
peace.  I don't always understand how God works but I do trust in Him.  Without Him what would one do?  How would all of us handle life's challenges, our failures, our fears, our relationships, our lives?  Boy, God is a very busy watching over all of us.  How lucky we are to be children of God.

Today is just another gift from God, rain and all.  I thank Him for today and I thank Him for all of you who are following Janeen's journey after all these months.

God Bless You All!....................................Barb