Merry Almost Christmas

Good Evening Everyone,

I had a lovely dinner tonight with my friends and Jack is spending the night at Anni's house.  I ordered Christmas cards this year and got caught in the companies printing and shipping errors....so I intend to get them out as soon as I receive them.  Perhaps it'll be by New Year's.  But here are the pictures I chose in case you don't get our card. 

                                   Me and my baby doing pretty good after a trying few months.

I've been feeling better.  I know this situation has been more mentally challenging for me than physically.  The return to the gym has been helpful.  I am sleeping better.  Still not as many hours as I would like but at this point I'll take anything.  I was pretty exhausted there for awhile.  I know I've been short and snappy with people and I don't mean to be.  There's no excuse.  I need to check myself.  I've been surrounded by constant love and I let my pissy mood get in the way of this.  It's just my anxiety is already on high alert.  As much as I'd like to change, it's very hard to turn around my reactive behavior in just a few months.  Again, I seem to be consumed by what lies ahead.

Last week, my Mom made me two acupuncture appointments and they did seem to help.  I got a terrible pain in my left hand then it travelled to my left ribs, then this explosion around my left ovary area.  I believe in alternative medicine and I do respond to acupuncture and why I didn't think of it before, I don't know.  I actually made an appointment for mom for her feet and she turned around and made my appoinments.  We always want to fix each other.  Also very interesting, my right forearm for days has been very itchy.  I feel like I have an ant crawling on my arm or something is touching me.  I told my acupucturist and she said that area correlates to the breast area.  Uh, hello.  It's better now.  Cannot have another treatment until after the holidays, so I'll give it another go after the first of the year.

I know what has me all pissy and that's the other surgeries.  I'm NOT ready to turn into an old lady.  I'm just 42.  I don't want this.  I don't want to continue with the partial hysterectomy.  Since my next breast surgery will probably be in February, I will go ahead and get another CA-125 and ultrasound around the same time and buy myself a few more months.  As long as everything is still OK.  The CA-125 can throw off false positives for ovarian cancer but it's the best marker they have right now.  I've been able to solely focus on the north of me, I haven't had to think about the south.  But this fricking ugly gene I have gives me no choice.  Oh, F-U BRCA! 

My son continues to ask to see my scars for himself rather than take my word for it that I still have boo-boos.  He likes to say, "come here little....(whatever)" so I had taken a shower the other night and we were on my bed.  He said, "Mommy all better?"  I sort of hem-ha around and he said, "I like to see."  So I showed him that all the red lines are my boo-boos and he cannot charge at me like a bull.  So he cups his hand and says, "Come here little boobies."  I said, "Well they aren't going to come to you."  And then he said, "Oh Mommy, they're so cute." 

God comes to us in many forms.  Maybe it takes a 2 year old to convince me it's going to be alright?  My mom has sure been trying.  Her love and support is unwaivering.  She's around me and continues to support me even when I think she's had enough.  She's amazed at my progress and how I look.   As for my son, his humor and love definitely keep me laughing.  He has been my greatest gift.  The joy he brings to everyone is the best present.  It's time to sit back and enjoy.  Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!

With Love, Janeen & Jack