Well we've recovered from fevers and pink eye, but I still have a horrific, drive you crazy dry cough. Going on two weeks now. Enough already. Only have been to the gym twice. Tried to start stretching and I swear I feel like my side scars are going to completely split open. I'm 7 months from my first surgery and the tightness of my skin is the same.....tight! And still numb. I don't think I will ever get used to how my skin feels. It's just uncomfortable. I'm still not able to fully play with Jack. I cannot run after him, do physical activities. I'm just not at 100% but I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that bitching about it and being pissed off is clearly getting me nowhere. This is clearly a marathon, not a race.
A few things have happened in the last few weeks that have weighed heavy on me. The first, I cannot believe I'm even mentioning but a neighbor that has caused my mom much heartache as well as a rather expensive lawsuit passed away from cardiac arrest. When I found out I was surprised that I actually felt compassion because this man was really an SOB. Death, no matter who, is devastating. He was still a father and husband and the family was mourning. But at the same time there was a sense of relief. The constant BS from this man is over. What came to mind though was the fact that even though he was a pain in the ass neighbor and incredibly disrespectful, especially to women, is that God had already forgiven him and he was one of God's children. Who knows if this is true, but I've read that when we die we have a life review and we feel all the pain that we have dished out to others. What was his life review like?
With that being said, I want to think I treat others respectfully but I know that my behavior has been less than stellar. My recent experiences are no excuse but I have been really, really angry and I cannot handle stupid...stupid people and stupid, insensitive comments. I find it very difficult to turn the other cheek. At the same time, people have reached out and I have not handled it with grace. There is no handbook on how I would feel through all of this. I tend to retreat then get mad when everyone's quiet. Sometimes I laugh at myself because how can I still be mad...it's done. I've had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction...it's done! As my doctor says I'm still in it. I don't have enough distance from all of this yet. Anyway, this man's passing was a reminder of God's grace and to treat others the way I would like to be treated, even the stupid one's.
Two weeks ago when Jack and I were at the walk-in for the second time within two days of each other, this time for 3 hours, we met a woman who was very taken with Mr. Jack. With 3 hours to kill we talked a lot. She told me about her 3 boys and pulled out her phone to show me pictures. After about 2 hours she then told me how she lost one of her sons to a brain aneurysm. He had a bad headache one night and she gave him Motrin and sent him to bed. He was 27. Clearly this woman was carrying around a great deal of guilt. I never would have known any of this if I had just walked in and saw her sitting there at the walk-in. Everybody has something. I would take my situation 10x's over rather than loose my beloved son. I don't know if it's even possible to recover from that kind of pain and anger. She ended up taking a picture of Jack because she wanted to share with her family the little boy that reminded her of her son, that had her laughing most of the day. So again I ask myself, what the hell am I bitching about? God sends us angels in many forms. Sometimes it takes a tragic story such as this to remind me, I am beyond fine. I'm doing great.
Then Easter came and the sermon at church was about FAITH. There are people with blind faith; there are people that are on the fence; and there are those that don't want to believe or can't believe and they want to "roll the stone back." I have felt like I am #2, on the fence. I started taking Jack to church a few weeks before Easter and since because I feel like it's my duty, but perhaps I'm trying to get to the blind faith. In the church bulletin there is a group starting for parents and children called 'Caring and Sharing.' So I signed us up and we had class tonight. For just a hour we get to engage with our children then while they tell bible stories, the parents (all mom's) went into another room to discuss what we wanted out of these classes. I feel like I am returning to the church and I need to find my faith and grace. I explained that my faith has been in question because of my recent experiences....they asked me to elaborate, so I did. Then another woman spoke up. She's 38 and is currently battling breast cancer that has spread to her liver. She's a mother to young children and has had the same thoughts of all the what if's........She has a tumor but it is shrinking. Again, I looked at her when she first arrived and I never would have known. She has had a hysterectomy, which is the procedure I'm dreading and is going through cancer treatments. She looks great by the way. Perhaps she will end up being one of my life teachers?
Again, I believe God is placing these people right in front of me. In fact it's almost smacking me in the face. My feelings of disconnect from some is still there, but rather than staying closed off I have to open myself up to others that can teach me life lessons. We all have a story. We all have something to contribute and share. We all have things that piss us off. We all have God, the Light, the Creator, whatever you want to call IT, who is there, we just have to let HIM in.
In closing tonight, I wanted to share with you a few quotes from Marianne Williamson, "A Course In Miracles."
"A miracle is a shift in perception. Prayer works miracles by shifting our thoughts from fear to love, creating a new set of probabilities.
"Thought is the level of Cause; our mortal experiences are the level of Effect. By changing our thinking, we change our lives."
Last from James Van Praagh: "There are no good or bad experiences, only experiences that have helped your soul to grow."
Love and Gratitude, Janeen
