I had Mom over for dinner tonight. We ate at my decorated Thanksgiving table even though we will not be here at my house for Thanksgiving Day. As thankful as I am, I am also quite anxious for the holidays and I feel like I need to get rid of all the fall and make my house into some sort of winter wonderland now. I will be putting up my Charlie Brown tree, but my Mom and Aunt have other plans...I am leaving all of those details to them.
Is it a good thing that I have lost track of what week I'm at now? I'm absolutely feeling better, but I find myself at times still not believing that I have had a double mastectomy. I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off just yet. It's difficult to feel real feminine. And the fact that I wore an old pair of maternity sweatpants the other day doesn't help with feeling so feminine, but they are so comfortable. I have a new body, clothes fit differently and pieces of me will continue to change so it's all very weird. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but this has been a theme in my life. Just taking it all in. One day at a time. My boobs will not define me, but taking someone like me, who's always had body issues and then this happens......light bulb moment here....God's life lesson for me: acceptance. When I feel myself drifting away from my lessons and getting stuck in the absurd, I have to reel myself in and remind myself that I have been given this opportunity; this gift. I have had a physical change but I still think I got slammed in the face with a huge life lesson. When you can't change your situation, you gotta change your attitude. This isn't about the physical; it's all mental. I have to practice what I'm writing here. I get caught up in the physical because it's what we all see. Why do I get sucked into that 1% thinking? This is all we perceive with our five senses. On the other side of that curtain is the 99%. Nothing happens suddenly. Note to self: we are all more than our physical being.
Thanks for listening once again. I wish everybody a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for you all.
Bless you,
Janeen
