Happy New Year. It's been quite awhile since my last post because frankly I didn't want to write. I feel so vulnerable about this process; the writing. I have been so caught up in what I think everybody else thinks of my situation. I was trying so desperately to get back to "normal" and put so much pressure on myself that last August, September and October were just horrible months. In August I almost killed myself taking every exercise class I could only to constantly have my body reject all that I was doing. I just ended up more angry, sad, frustrated.....Again, the doctor said, "You need a year." And once again I heard, "You'll be back to yourself in a year." Big difference. In September, my "anniversary" month, I managed to fuck that up as well. My mom gave me my new car, which I love, and in my feelings of unworthiness, I had already put her through so much and you don't even want to know the final cost, a new car was not on my radar. After September I just felt like throwing in the towel. I was embarrassed to say that I was in a severe depression. I was and still am scared for my future. My anger, fears, sadness were all displaced. I've been walking around for a year thinking I was holding it all together. Scared what others were whispering behind my back...."Why is she acting like this, she doesn't have cancer?" So far, I DO NOT have cancer but I've had to do what many cancer patients have had to do and I still have BRCA. No diet or magic pill, chemo or radiation gets rid of this. My chances of getting many other cancers simply increases with age and last time I checked, I'm not getting any younger. This has changed me and I hate that. The month of October came and with it an ugly fight with my mom and that was the catalyst. I wasn't fooling anybody, especially my mom. The physical pain was gone but emotionally I was a mess. Call it divine intervention, but about a week or so after this incident I decided to change my hair color. I do things like this when I'm in crisis mode. It's a quick change up for me. Not sure why I do this, but I do. So sitting there crying waiting for my appointment, the woman before me was a friend of a friend. A doctor. A woman I spoke to before all my surgeries just to get another opinion, as a doctor but also as a friend. She asked how I was doing and I just sobbed. She immediately said she would email me once she got back to her office with referrals for a therapist. I swear I had tried to do this on my own but I didn't know who to go to. I didn't know what I needed. I didn't know who to reach out to. She suggested a therapist who works with cancer patients and chronically ill people. It ended up being a wonderful fit and I'm so happy to have a place to go. Someone to talk to. A safe place to just cry. I'm so mad at myself that I am so stubborn it took such a painful fight with my mom to have this come to fruition.
A BRCA diagnosis cannot help but make a person a hypochondriac. There's a group of other woman, BRCA sisters, and we all follow each other on twitter. The paranoia is sometimes funny but it's nice to know there are people, albeit strangers, that get me. It's something that I cannot escape. Whatever I'm doing I try to embrace because you never know. None of us do but my chances are just greater. Until I can wrap my brain around this, until I can talk about my experience without crying, until I can calm my nerves and anxieties, I'm not sure I'm the best person to be around. I have probably alienated people because I've heard, they don't know what to say to me. But their silence, and I mean my friends, has been deafening to me. I know part of my sadness has been this very issue. I certainly didn't want anyone here when I was first recovering. It wasn't pretty and I was not prepared for the pain. You don't really know what it feels like to have a bus hit you until one does. OK, so it wasn't a bus but you know what I mean. I wanted my friends to care and I didn't want to have to ask for it. I've read so many blogs about woman that get cancer and they never hear from their friends again. It's like everything and everyone changes. I have been fighting this for one year. I see all relationships as very different now. We all can take so much for granted. A phone message, a text, an email or e-card takes almost no time at all to let someone know you're thinking of them. When you're in my shoes, the last thing I wanted to do was socialize, but hearing from my friends often times made a very difficult day a little bit better. Even my mom's friends and my twitter friends made a difference and I thank you all. You know just saying the words, cancer, BRCA, mastectomy, hysterectomy......sometimes they have to be spoken. If you don't know what to say....say something. It's a very daunting experience. It has been quite lonely. I have been fighting with myself, my faith and the one that continues to walk by my side, my mom. The pain I feel now is all self imposed and it is what I have buried for a year. I knew this was going to be so emotional, especially because I'm a single parent to Jack and the thought of leaving him just hurts me to my core. I'm trying to put this all in it's proper place so I do not manifest cancer in another area. I think if you brain fuck yourself enough, things can happen. I cannot allow this!!! I do believe I will accept this. I do see light at the end of this tunnel now. I do believe I will have a beautiful and full life with my son. And I have to tell myself this everyday until it becomes natural. I have to believe.........my sadness will wane and acceptance will come.
In 2012, I had my second surgery, also quite painful. I lost my cousin to a massive heart attack. I reconnected with my dad. I lost my beloved pug Pearl I shared a beautiful family vacation to Hawaii with extended family that just a few years ago I had not spoken to in over 15 years. I shared an amazing "Kipis" with Jack who's 3 and the love of my life. And welcomed this new year watching my son and mom, my beloveds, wearing hats and beads, blowing horns and having a sleep over in is room. Total joy!!!
I want so much for myself this year. I want to be a better friend, a better daughter and sister. A better mother to Jack. I want to be open and honest with loved ones and not be scared of the outcome. I want to take batter care of myself which includes staying proactive in my health care. (I have already received letters from my doctors that monitoring starts up again...not going to lie, my stomach is already in knots). I want to learn to accept what I have been dealt and believe God has an amazing plan for me and my little family. James Van Praagh said, "We are all here to learn to love, and the first lesson is learning love of self. Without love of self, we cannot know how to love others." If I go back to my first posts I often wrote about my lessons, acceptance, etc.....Well, it takes a lot of work to fight life's lessons. Suppose things can go much smoother if I just concede.
Last, I don't say this enough, but, MOM.....I LOVE YOU!!!!
Happy 2013, I wish you all the very best. To my BRCA gals, hang in there. It's a tough road, it sucks, but being proactive is saving your life!
XO, Janeen
