Another week anniversary, week 7 and it's Halloween. I never thought I'd be taking Jack out for trick-or-treating, but I did. Uncle Darren and Uncle Jerry went too. Jack's Anni and Uncle D surprised us with dressing as Fred and Wilma Flintstone. I laughed so hard it hurt. I swear tonight was so fun and I was hurting and still burning, but because I was doubled over laughing all night. I never could have imagined this a month ago. I would love to post a picture but I think if I do, I may be disowned?
My aunt and a wonderful neighbor came over tonight as well, both breast cancer survivors. And today is the last day of October, which as we all know is breast cancer awareness month. My mom bought me two beautiful bracelets to commemorate this month and said I too was a breast cancer survivor, which I don't think I am. I think I just beat cancer before it beat me! I don't know, I feel conflicted with what category I fit into. If a category is even important.
Getting back into the swing of things. I feel overwhelmed that the holidays are right around the corner and I'm still fairly tired. I started taking naps with Jack when I first got home from the hospital because I missed him so much, and we just cuddled and held hands. Well, he's fine napping in his room when I'm not here, but I still take advantage of my cuddle time when I can. Of course, I could be doing more with that time, like laundry or cleaning, but how can I pass up holding that little hand? Most times I just rest my eyes and stare at my beautiful boy. He has a way with opening your heart. There is a rejuvenated joy in my family now.
Gods plan for me turned my world upside down. It threw us all for a loop. I believe this is why HE graced me with Jack before BRCA.
Hope everyone had a safe evening. There is joy in my house.
Love, Janeen
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
" JOY "
Hi everyone. Can any one tell me where the last three months went? I am so overwhelmed with the holidays right around the corner that I stay up til 3:00 and 4:00 am ordering on line so I can catch up. But I realized an incredible fact just today and that is I am filled with " joy"! I stopped liking all holidays so many years ago I couldn't even tell you when. Oh sure, I love buying for friends and for people who have helped me through out the year but for the most part all the commercial stuff I have dreaded for so long now. I thought that once the kids grew up it was a natural step to be done with all the fa - la - la - la - la. I hated Halloween, Thanksgiving was just a farse because in my mind we should be thankful every day and other than the real meaning of Christmas, Christs birth, everything else became just to damn hard. But for some reason, or for many reasons I am excited this year for all the hollidays and I want to shout it to the world. The feeling of joy is so refreshing and makes me feel like a kid again. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still gimping around on the sore foot and I have all the same aches and pains but I am still joyfull.
Janeen doing so well is a huge reason to rejoice, get happy and share that joy with others. Having such an adorable little boy around all the time ain't to shabby either. He always makes me laugh. But what I thought had died in me I discovered today hasn't died at all. It is still there and I'm excited for Halloween!!! To let go of all the worry and sadness I have lived and seen this year is enough. Seeing Janeen go out with her girfriends the other night ( she looked gorgeous ) filled me with joy. Baby sitting Jack filled me with joy. Getting ready for the holidays is filling me with joy. I am sharing because I want all of you out there to stop and feel the joy of this very moment. Annette where ever you are tonight look for some joy, it is there. I want to appoint myself your " joy mentor ". I don't even know what that is but if it makes sense to you then I'm your girl. Janeen is driving herself around, that makes me joyful. It means she is feling better and moving on like she did before. I've had more family time lately in the past two months than I have had in 15 yrs, and that makes me joyful. I could go on and on but I think you get it. Find the joy in your life right now because if you don't you are missing out on the most important reason for living. I'm going to nuture this feeling because it just feels so damn good. I wish I could put how I feel tonight into a box, then tie a huge red bow on the box and then start handing them out to everyone whose path I cross. Please everyone, find your joy!
Good night and love to all. Barb
Janeen doing so well is a huge reason to rejoice, get happy and share that joy with others. Having such an adorable little boy around all the time ain't to shabby either. He always makes me laugh. But what I thought had died in me I discovered today hasn't died at all. It is still there and I'm excited for Halloween!!! To let go of all the worry and sadness I have lived and seen this year is enough. Seeing Janeen go out with her girfriends the other night ( she looked gorgeous ) filled me with joy. Baby sitting Jack filled me with joy. Getting ready for the holidays is filling me with joy. I am sharing because I want all of you out there to stop and feel the joy of this very moment. Annette where ever you are tonight look for some joy, it is there. I want to appoint myself your " joy mentor ". I don't even know what that is but if it makes sense to you then I'm your girl. Janeen is driving herself around, that makes me joyful. It means she is feling better and moving on like she did before. I've had more family time lately in the past two months than I have had in 15 yrs, and that makes me joyful. I could go on and on but I think you get it. Find the joy in your life right now because if you don't you are missing out on the most important reason for living. I'm going to nuture this feeling because it just feels so damn good. I wish I could put how I feel tonight into a box, then tie a huge red bow on the box and then start handing them out to everyone whose path I cross. Please everyone, find your joy!
Good night and love to all. Barb
Monday, October 24, 2011
Time To Get Back To Business
Never thought I'd be at week 6... But here I am. My energy level is still low, but as long as I get back to my old schedule, this too will improve. Doctor said 6-8 weeks and he is right on the money. I feel like all the working out I did before is out the window. I can't even raise my leg and straighten it. All my muscles are so tight. I will start the gym again soon and go SLOW. I did some errands today and had to adjust that bra and realized I didn't have it on. This is what I mean. I feel as if a wire bra has been implanted in me. I could have sworn a wire was poking me. Oh well. I even wore a pair of jeans today but I am completely numb so I always feel like there is some sort of waist band going around me. It's very odd. Again, this will be with me for 6+ months. As my swelling continues to go down, I can see what Dr. Granzow was now talking about...and that is...He said it's going to feel and resemble like I just got a new shirt (made of skin of course). And it won't fit quite right. But not to worry because then I will get it tailored (2nd surgery). I can already see where I'd like my alterations to be done. I wonder if they chalk me or pin me?
My thoughts are still with Annette. The fact that I'm so far along in my healing process yet it's still so fresh that each day I think of her, I can remember where I was; what I was feeling. My heart goes out to her and her family. I didn't want to talk to anyone really and those I did talk to I don't really remember. I just hope she's doing well.
Speaking about not remembering much, I found a list of the nurses that tended to me at St. john's on my iPad today. My mom didn't even get me my iPad or phone for a few days. I knew I wanted to write a letter to St. Johns for their exceptional care throughout this process and wanted to mention everyone involved. So apparently I started a list, titled it and all. That just shows you how bad anesthesia messes with your head. I think there are only 2 nurses that I could actually put a name to their face. The others, I simply have no recollection. Even my anesthesiologist....I have down as Lisa. I can't even give props to her because I don't know her name. So Dr. Lisa, you too did a great job.
I would love a back rub, especially at night. I still try to sleep on my side, sort of, with pillows around me, but what I really want to do is get on my stomach again. And this ain't happening anytime soon. I wonder how I'd get a massage, but I know that's wishful thinking now. And I want to stretch, but everythings been sewn and pulled so tight, I can't. I know in the long run this will be a good thing, but a great stretch would be awesome.
I'm seeing my girlfriends for the first time tomorrow night. I said there will be no water works, but now I'm not so sure. When tough times hit a person or family everybody has their own process and I really appreciate everyone respecting mine. And my mother lion has been uber protective of me, making sure I wasn't overwhelmed with visitors and/or contact with others. She lived this with me and she knows me best, so I thank you mom.
Then other night, Jack was behind me, walking back and forth on the couch. He leaned on my back and put his head on my right shoulder and said, "mommy, I love you.". That was a first. I love my boy so much.
Until next time.......with Love and Gratitude,
Janeen
My thoughts are still with Annette. The fact that I'm so far along in my healing process yet it's still so fresh that each day I think of her, I can remember where I was; what I was feeling. My heart goes out to her and her family. I didn't want to talk to anyone really and those I did talk to I don't really remember. I just hope she's doing well.
Speaking about not remembering much, I found a list of the nurses that tended to me at St. john's on my iPad today. My mom didn't even get me my iPad or phone for a few days. I knew I wanted to write a letter to St. Johns for their exceptional care throughout this process and wanted to mention everyone involved. So apparently I started a list, titled it and all. That just shows you how bad anesthesia messes with your head. I think there are only 2 nurses that I could actually put a name to their face. The others, I simply have no recollection. Even my anesthesiologist....I have down as Lisa. I can't even give props to her because I don't know her name. So Dr. Lisa, you too did a great job.
I would love a back rub, especially at night. I still try to sleep on my side, sort of, with pillows around me, but what I really want to do is get on my stomach again. And this ain't happening anytime soon. I wonder how I'd get a massage, but I know that's wishful thinking now. And I want to stretch, but everythings been sewn and pulled so tight, I can't. I know in the long run this will be a good thing, but a great stretch would be awesome.
I'm seeing my girlfriends for the first time tomorrow night. I said there will be no water works, but now I'm not so sure. When tough times hit a person or family everybody has their own process and I really appreciate everyone respecting mine. And my mother lion has been uber protective of me, making sure I wasn't overwhelmed with visitors and/or contact with others. She lived this with me and she knows me best, so I thank you mom.
Then other night, Jack was behind me, walking back and forth on the couch. He leaned on my back and put his head on my right shoulder and said, "mommy, I love you.". That was a first. I love my boy so much.
Until next time.......with Love and Gratitude,
Janeen
Friday, October 21, 2011
OK, Here Are Some Pictures
This is the first day I got to come home. It was day 9.
I have some other home pics to share but I'm feeling conflicted.
Don't think I'll share right now. Not yet ready.
Here is Jack in the bathroom with 'Anni' one night.
She'd come over & help bathe him. Making sure he brushed his teeth.
This is the most recent from my last blog of us taking Jack to the
Fire Station Open House in Irvine. He had so much fun.
And I SO enjoyed watching as did 'Anni.'
YES, I'm leaning down!!!
Also last weekend at a pumpkin patch with Mommy & Uncle D.
He's in a sea of pumpkins & had another fun day.
After the pumpkin patch Mom drove me to critical care to see my Sophie.
Doctor thought it was alright to bring her home. She either had a stroke
or has vestibular disease. So she's a little off, but she's always been a lil off.
But I LOVE HER!!!!
And last, this is the result from her episode. She looks a bit regal or she can't
be bothered by the camera. Her head is high; eyes pull down,
but she IS improving. That's how we girls do it around here.
WE JUST GET THROUGH IT!!!
I'm going to try and be better at posting pictures about the things I'm actully blogging about at the time. I've just had some computer issues and posting picture issues. But I think it's all good now. I've had a lot on my mind the past few days. Kinda thinking about what I want to say next; things I was thinking about before surgery. They're still in my head but no longer carry so much weight. But I still think it's good to share. I mean this has been and continues to be a journey. So I may bounce back and forth, but I'm keeping it real.
Must go kiss all my babies now....XO, Janeen
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Things That Make You Go Hmmm
I bet you never notice how much you sneeze until you try NOT to and blow your brains out. Sneezing, laughing, coughing...killer right now.
Was trying to post pictures today and it isn't working so all of you that are dying for photos you'll have to wait a bit longer. I know, the anticipation...
Annette is having her surgery tomorrow. I'll be praying for her and her family.
I find it so bizarre that major things happen to all of us; an accident, a surgery, a death, and you want to scream, "stop" to other people when they are going on with their day as if nothing has happened. It's like you want time to freeze, just briefly; just enough so you can breath. And yet LIFE continues on. That's why "time flies by." Cherish each day and don't forget to breath.
This is all I have tonight.
Janeen
P.S. On a lighter note, Mom asked that I put my titles in all caps because it looks nicer.
Was trying to post pictures today and it isn't working so all of you that are dying for photos you'll have to wait a bit longer. I know, the anticipation...
Annette is having her surgery tomorrow. I'll be praying for her and her family.
I find it so bizarre that major things happen to all of us; an accident, a surgery, a death, and you want to scream, "stop" to other people when they are going on with their day as if nothing has happened. It's like you want time to freeze, just briefly; just enough so you can breath. And yet LIFE continues on. That's why "time flies by." Cherish each day and don't forget to breath.
This is all I have tonight.
Janeen
P.S. On a lighter note, Mom asked that I put my titles in all caps because it looks nicer.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Happy Tuesday
Hi Everyone,
I spoke to Dr. Granzow today. After speaking to him I sort of feel like I have minimized in my writing all that these amazing doctors did to me and for me. I still don't totally understand myself. I won't try to explain anymore than I have but they are amazing, remarkable men who are so smart and talented. He was telling me some stories of other patients and people come from all over to see him because so few doctors do what he does. I'm so fortunate he was on my team. I mean he wasn't bragging he was just sharing some incidences. I was asking that if I were to fall or get into an accident, what would happen? He and Dr. Orringer both said that most likely my transplanted tissue would be fine. That it has made it's own blood supply now so even if I was "unhooked" from the transplanted blood vessels, I would be fine. But told me to be careful anyway. You hear that Jack? Pick up your cars and blocks!!!! I also told him that I have stitches poking out the sides of my incision. They are like fishing line. I need to cut those so they can dissolve. Since I don't think I can reach, with scissors, I'll need Mom to do this for me tomorrow. Altough most mothers do, I do not have eyes in the back of my head just yet. I'm happy that he's still on my team and he'll be apart of my future surgeries. One doctor, usually who you see first, takes the lead and in my case this is Dr. Orringer. Dr. Granzow and Orringers techniques are almost identical but a few tweaks here and there and this is why I think they compliment each other so well. Dr. Orringer is so humble and so complimentary to every person he works with, it's a such a pleasure to have no ego trips with my doctors. Again, I keep saying it but I'm so lucky. It was nice to talk to him today. And again all I'm feeling is normal and will be with me fo quite awhile, so no need to beat it to death.
I did a few errands this moring while Mom took Jack to swim class and I was exhausted. I don't get to nap everyday, but I look forward to it. Otherwise, dinner, bath time & getting Jack down can be extremely trying. I'm uusally pretty spent by 3-4pm.
And how's this for 6 degrees of separation. There was a woman who befriended me at Jacks swim school one day when I was having a melt down because I had just had an EUS done to check my pancreas (you know the pancreatic cancer risk) and at that time they took a biopsy. I woke up from this procedure hearing the nurses talking about having to take a biopsy. So of course I freaked and you have to wait for what feels like an eternity for test results. So I guess it was a panic attack that day and I slipped outside the swim school and she came out after me to talk as our kids were with their instructors. Well mom saw her today and she asked how I was doing.....turns out she's best friends with one of my cousins and both families just spent some time together in the desert. Bizarre.
Sophie is good today. Her neurological work up is set for Thursday. Her head is still held high and eyes are still flickering. She sort of wimpers when I leave the room. I find myself reassuring her that I'm here. I believe she's fine but she knows something is clearly different. She's a trooper. This little girl was at the pet shop for 3 months and I was NOT looking for another dog at all and that day I walked out with her. She was meant for me and I was meant for her.
Jacks says it's dinner time, just I must go. And I did get a nap today so I'm good to go now! Have a great night.
Love, Janeen
I spoke to Dr. Granzow today. After speaking to him I sort of feel like I have minimized in my writing all that these amazing doctors did to me and for me. I still don't totally understand myself. I won't try to explain anymore than I have but they are amazing, remarkable men who are so smart and talented. He was telling me some stories of other patients and people come from all over to see him because so few doctors do what he does. I'm so fortunate he was on my team. I mean he wasn't bragging he was just sharing some incidences. I was asking that if I were to fall or get into an accident, what would happen? He and Dr. Orringer both said that most likely my transplanted tissue would be fine. That it has made it's own blood supply now so even if I was "unhooked" from the transplanted blood vessels, I would be fine. But told me to be careful anyway. You hear that Jack? Pick up your cars and blocks!!!! I also told him that I have stitches poking out the sides of my incision. They are like fishing line. I need to cut those so they can dissolve. Since I don't think I can reach, with scissors, I'll need Mom to do this for me tomorrow. Altough most mothers do, I do not have eyes in the back of my head just yet. I'm happy that he's still on my team and he'll be apart of my future surgeries. One doctor, usually who you see first, takes the lead and in my case this is Dr. Orringer. Dr. Granzow and Orringers techniques are almost identical but a few tweaks here and there and this is why I think they compliment each other so well. Dr. Orringer is so humble and so complimentary to every person he works with, it's a such a pleasure to have no ego trips with my doctors. Again, I keep saying it but I'm so lucky. It was nice to talk to him today. And again all I'm feeling is normal and will be with me fo quite awhile, so no need to beat it to death.
I did a few errands this moring while Mom took Jack to swim class and I was exhausted. I don't get to nap everyday, but I look forward to it. Otherwise, dinner, bath time & getting Jack down can be extremely trying. I'm uusally pretty spent by 3-4pm.
And how's this for 6 degrees of separation. There was a woman who befriended me at Jacks swim school one day when I was having a melt down because I had just had an EUS done to check my pancreas (you know the pancreatic cancer risk) and at that time they took a biopsy. I woke up from this procedure hearing the nurses talking about having to take a biopsy. So of course I freaked and you have to wait for what feels like an eternity for test results. So I guess it was a panic attack that day and I slipped outside the swim school and she came out after me to talk as our kids were with their instructors. Well mom saw her today and she asked how I was doing.....turns out she's best friends with one of my cousins and both families just spent some time together in the desert. Bizarre.
Sophie is good today. Her neurological work up is set for Thursday. Her head is still held high and eyes are still flickering. She sort of wimpers when I leave the room. I find myself reassuring her that I'm here. I believe she's fine but she knows something is clearly different. She's a trooper. This little girl was at the pet shop for 3 months and I was NOT looking for another dog at all and that day I walked out with her. She was meant for me and I was meant for her.
Jacks says it's dinner time, just I must go. And I did get a nap today so I'm good to go now! Have a great night.
Love, Janeen
Monday, October 17, 2011
5 Weeks
I don't want to keep writing and complaining but I'm trying to keep this blog as honest as possible. So today......I'm feeling pretty good, but I know Sophie being home has a lot to do with this too.
I have cut so many deals with God lately. Like HE makes deals. I'm sure HE's quite amused when I pray. But I wanted my Sophie to survive that I prayed I will take every ache, pain and burn and shut up!
I actually do feel better and well enough to start venturing out, if anyone is still interested. I've put everybody off for so long, not sure who's interested anymore? And then I go back to Sophie. I still have to get a definitive diagnosis, but if it is vertigo and this ear infection, she may have another episode or never have one again. I know I cannot keep an eye on her 24/7, but I am a bit nervous about this. For all that were around when my Bella past away, I was devastated. I just want my family, all of us, happy and healthy. Sophie's little cinnabun (her curly tail) keeps wiggling this morning. I think she's happy.
This morning, as always, me and the dogs go into get Jack. This morning he looked at Sophie and said, "Her neck hurts." I think I may have a doctor on my hands here?
I got a call from Dr. Granzow last week, so I need to return his call and set up an appointment to see him...then I should be done with doctor appointments for awhile. I am very happy with my progress. I blogged awhile ago that there is a woman that called me who's having my same procedure on October 20. I'm going to call her back and wish her well and tell her again, she is in the best hands and she will be OK. Not sure how much else I should say, unless she asks specific questions. But I can say with confidence that when doctor says 6-8 weeks, I think this is right. I'm on the right road at 5 weeks. What a difference TIME makes.
I know me, so I know there are a few more pitty parties in me, but for today....I have Jack, my puppies, Mom, Darren, the rest of my supportive family and friends and my health. Today's a good day. I hope you are having a great day. Hug a loved one! Or call someone and tell them how much you appreciate them. Start a letter with I Love You, rather than saving it for the end. Kiss your puppies on the lips.
With Gratitude, Janeen
I have cut so many deals with God lately. Like HE makes deals. I'm sure HE's quite amused when I pray. But I wanted my Sophie to survive that I prayed I will take every ache, pain and burn and shut up!
I actually do feel better and well enough to start venturing out, if anyone is still interested. I've put everybody off for so long, not sure who's interested anymore? And then I go back to Sophie. I still have to get a definitive diagnosis, but if it is vertigo and this ear infection, she may have another episode or never have one again. I know I cannot keep an eye on her 24/7, but I am a bit nervous about this. For all that were around when my Bella past away, I was devastated. I just want my family, all of us, happy and healthy. Sophie's little cinnabun (her curly tail) keeps wiggling this morning. I think she's happy.
This morning, as always, me and the dogs go into get Jack. This morning he looked at Sophie and said, "Her neck hurts." I think I may have a doctor on my hands here?
I got a call from Dr. Granzow last week, so I need to return his call and set up an appointment to see him...then I should be done with doctor appointments for awhile. I am very happy with my progress. I blogged awhile ago that there is a woman that called me who's having my same procedure on October 20. I'm going to call her back and wish her well and tell her again, she is in the best hands and she will be OK. Not sure how much else I should say, unless she asks specific questions. But I can say with confidence that when doctor says 6-8 weeks, I think this is right. I'm on the right road at 5 weeks. What a difference TIME makes.
I know me, so I know there are a few more pitty parties in me, but for today....I have Jack, my puppies, Mom, Darren, the rest of my supportive family and friends and my health. Today's a good day. I hope you are having a great day. Hug a loved one! Or call someone and tell them how much you appreciate them. Start a letter with I Love You, rather than saving it for the end. Kiss your puppies on the lips.
With Gratitude, Janeen
Sunday, October 16, 2011
What A Weekend.
We had a lot of plans this weekend. What we didn't expect was my 10 year old Pug Sophie admitted to critical care Saturday night.
Saturday started out fine. Mom and I hobbling along, taking Jack to the local fire station for their open house. He gets so excited when he sees a fire truck and he thinks they're all Rescue Mater, from CARS. He got a junior fire badge and a red plastic fire helmet. He ran all over the place; climbing on everything he could find as well as climbing up to the top of the truck where they have a driver in the back. He took his turn and boy did he love sitting up that high and he turned that wheel and pushed every button he could. He also sat on the back on one truck and of course had to touch every single knob, hose, handle; anything shiny. He loved it. After he said, "thank you" and took off his helmet and returned it to the table. We laughed and told him he could keep it.
We then went back to our respective houses to take naps and thought maybe later he could sit through the dollar theatre and see CARS 2. Well we messed up the times so decided to go to Roger's Garden late afternoon for pumpkins, some new house plants, and see if the train was set up in the garden area. (When we were home and that morning, Sophie was fine. Nothing to make me think anything was wrong with her). So we headed down to Roger's. Jack ran after the train several times and picked about 20 pumpkins; all different sizes for decorations at our house, Anni's house and Uncle D's house. After dropping Mom off at her house Jack and I went home.
Again all was normal. The dogs were jumping and barking for their dinner. I got Jack in his high chair and got his dinner first. Realizing I needed more dog food in the garage, went out and came back in to Sophie in what I thought was a seizure. Her head was stiff and thrown off to the left, then her back legs went straight but she was still standing. I dropped the food and ran to her. Got to my knees and grabbed her. I held her to me as hard as I could. She wasn't fighting me but her body was so stiff and she was panting and drooling. How I got to standing, I don't know. I got to the kitchen, dialed Mom and put it on speaker. I screamed for her help. Now Jack is talking, TV is on, Pearl is still barking, so I got outside to hand her off to Mom. I'm still supposed to not lift anything over 10lbs and Sophie is about 20lbs. Again, I got to my knees and just sat on the driveway until Mom showed up. She had deficated on me; I didn't know and I didn't care. Again, I pulled myself up, holding her (I don't know how) and handed her off. I got back inside and called critical care. Good news is my other pug has Addison's disease so we are at this clinic every month for a shot so she doesn't go into a coma. If the girls there don't know me, they all know Pearl. So I called and they got a chart ready. Gave them her history, medications and how I found her. And then I prayed. And waited.
My chest was red from Sophie scratching and it burned like hell. I cried and prayed as best I could away from Jack. But he knew something was wrong. He came over to me on the couch, held my arm, put his head on my shoulder and said, "Oh Mommy." After what felt like eternity Mom called. The doctor believed that she may be suffering from vestibular disease, common in older dogs but could not rule out neurological.
Long story short (I know too late), Sophie did come home today. We still need to do an MRI and make sure it isn't her brain. And again, good news, we know the best vet neurologist because Molly, Mom's beloved Shi-poo has epilepsy and Dr. Hanson is her doctor. But the vestibular disease can mimick a seizure but symptoms can last up to 4 weeks or more. So Sophie's head stays up and her eyes twitch. She is disoriented so she cannot jump on anything. She's on meds and I'm just trying to keep her quiet.
We had also promised Jack today that Uncle D would take him to another pumpkin patch with rides and animals and of course more pumpkins. So we did go this a.m. I just took pictures. The doctor felt Sophie would be fine to go home today but continued follow up this week so I felt more comfortable continuing with our plans. Mom took me to pick up my girl. But when I woke up this morning I felt as if I had taken 50 steps back. Again, my back killed, chest burning. It was the grace of God that let me handle her and get up off the ground 3 times with her, holding onto nothing. And then Mom....heel pain and all, got her there probably in record time where they immediately got her on oxygen, IV's and meds. And then my Mom sat for hours with her foot burning, calling with updates.
We've all been through so much, I couldn't lose my Sophie. We all just continue to rally. Mom and I are particularly exhausted but like always we are there for each other. She dropped everything for us, as she always does especially in an emergency. Darren was also here this weekend and was a huge help with Jack. Each of us has 2 dogs and they are apart of our family. That's just how we are.
As I sit here in the quiet tonight, Jack is asleep. Pearl is next to me on the couch snoring. Sophie just walked out of my room, head held high (kind of regal) and layed down in her bed in the family room and I'm taking a deep breath. I have the best little family ever and we all have a shit load of pumpkins!
I will have to get used to Sophie's "new Look." I will take care of ALL my babies for as long as God allows me to and to the best of my ability. Which right now is quite difficult. I think Mother Teresa once said, "God never gives you more than you can handle....I just wish HE didn't trust me so much." Kinda feeling this now.
Tonight I'm grateful for a quiet, peaceful home with all my babies. My brother, the doctors and staff that helped Sophie, Jack for being such a good boy as his mother panicked, and last but certainly not least....MOM.
Enough is enough for now. Back to healing. Lesson this weekend; still need patience; need to handle stress better.
Good night,
Janeen, Sophie, Pearl and Jack
Saturday started out fine. Mom and I hobbling along, taking Jack to the local fire station for their open house. He gets so excited when he sees a fire truck and he thinks they're all Rescue Mater, from CARS. He got a junior fire badge and a red plastic fire helmet. He ran all over the place; climbing on everything he could find as well as climbing up to the top of the truck where they have a driver in the back. He took his turn and boy did he love sitting up that high and he turned that wheel and pushed every button he could. He also sat on the back on one truck and of course had to touch every single knob, hose, handle; anything shiny. He loved it. After he said, "thank you" and took off his helmet and returned it to the table. We laughed and told him he could keep it.
We then went back to our respective houses to take naps and thought maybe later he could sit through the dollar theatre and see CARS 2. Well we messed up the times so decided to go to Roger's Garden late afternoon for pumpkins, some new house plants, and see if the train was set up in the garden area. (When we were home and that morning, Sophie was fine. Nothing to make me think anything was wrong with her). So we headed down to Roger's. Jack ran after the train several times and picked about 20 pumpkins; all different sizes for decorations at our house, Anni's house and Uncle D's house. After dropping Mom off at her house Jack and I went home.
Again all was normal. The dogs were jumping and barking for their dinner. I got Jack in his high chair and got his dinner first. Realizing I needed more dog food in the garage, went out and came back in to Sophie in what I thought was a seizure. Her head was stiff and thrown off to the left, then her back legs went straight but she was still standing. I dropped the food and ran to her. Got to my knees and grabbed her. I held her to me as hard as I could. She wasn't fighting me but her body was so stiff and she was panting and drooling. How I got to standing, I don't know. I got to the kitchen, dialed Mom and put it on speaker. I screamed for her help. Now Jack is talking, TV is on, Pearl is still barking, so I got outside to hand her off to Mom. I'm still supposed to not lift anything over 10lbs and Sophie is about 20lbs. Again, I got to my knees and just sat on the driveway until Mom showed up. She had deficated on me; I didn't know and I didn't care. Again, I pulled myself up, holding her (I don't know how) and handed her off. I got back inside and called critical care. Good news is my other pug has Addison's disease so we are at this clinic every month for a shot so she doesn't go into a coma. If the girls there don't know me, they all know Pearl. So I called and they got a chart ready. Gave them her history, medications and how I found her. And then I prayed. And waited.
My chest was red from Sophie scratching and it burned like hell. I cried and prayed as best I could away from Jack. But he knew something was wrong. He came over to me on the couch, held my arm, put his head on my shoulder and said, "Oh Mommy." After what felt like eternity Mom called. The doctor believed that she may be suffering from vestibular disease, common in older dogs but could not rule out neurological.
Long story short (I know too late), Sophie did come home today. We still need to do an MRI and make sure it isn't her brain. And again, good news, we know the best vet neurologist because Molly, Mom's beloved Shi-poo has epilepsy and Dr. Hanson is her doctor. But the vestibular disease can mimick a seizure but symptoms can last up to 4 weeks or more. So Sophie's head stays up and her eyes twitch. She is disoriented so she cannot jump on anything. She's on meds and I'm just trying to keep her quiet.
We had also promised Jack today that Uncle D would take him to another pumpkin patch with rides and animals and of course more pumpkins. So we did go this a.m. I just took pictures. The doctor felt Sophie would be fine to go home today but continued follow up this week so I felt more comfortable continuing with our plans. Mom took me to pick up my girl. But when I woke up this morning I felt as if I had taken 50 steps back. Again, my back killed, chest burning. It was the grace of God that let me handle her and get up off the ground 3 times with her, holding onto nothing. And then Mom....heel pain and all, got her there probably in record time where they immediately got her on oxygen, IV's and meds. And then my Mom sat for hours with her foot burning, calling with updates.
We've all been through so much, I couldn't lose my Sophie. We all just continue to rally. Mom and I are particularly exhausted but like always we are there for each other. She dropped everything for us, as she always does especially in an emergency. Darren was also here this weekend and was a huge help with Jack. Each of us has 2 dogs and they are apart of our family. That's just how we are.
As I sit here in the quiet tonight, Jack is asleep. Pearl is next to me on the couch snoring. Sophie just walked out of my room, head held high (kind of regal) and layed down in her bed in the family room and I'm taking a deep breath. I have the best little family ever and we all have a shit load of pumpkins!
I will have to get used to Sophie's "new Look." I will take care of ALL my babies for as long as God allows me to and to the best of my ability. Which right now is quite difficult. I think Mother Teresa once said, "God never gives you more than you can handle....I just wish HE didn't trust me so much." Kinda feeling this now.
Tonight I'm grateful for a quiet, peaceful home with all my babies. My brother, the doctors and staff that helped Sophie, Jack for being such a good boy as his mother panicked, and last but certainly not least....MOM.
Enough is enough for now. Back to healing. Lesson this weekend; still need patience; need to handle stress better.
Good night,
Janeen, Sophie, Pearl and Jack
Friday, October 14, 2011
One more quote before I call it a night.....
"Eventually, you will come back to the ultimate truth, no matter what life throws at you...You are and always will be LOVE." -JVP
Good night.
Good night.
Hi
On Thursday 10/13 I went back to LA to see 2 of my 3 doctors, and Mom made a herself a doctor appointment with our primary physician, so it was a busy day for 2 gals hobbling around. My appointments were routine check-ups; for Mom she was there to discuss that she has two bone spurs in one of her heels. OUCH! Yea, we are quite a pair. Screw the Kardashians, you all would laugh your ass off lately if we were being filmed.
So my day started with seeing Dr. Robert Cole, my general surgeon. I am just past 4 weeks of recovery and that was the first time he had seen me. And he said (and remeber he IS a surgeon and remarkable at what he does), "If my jaw wasn't already hinged it would be on the floor." He couldn't believe how good I looked and what my plastic surgeons were able to do. I asked for a few more details. He said he was working on me for about the first 4 hours. From then on, Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow worked on me the rest of the time. I told him how bad my clavicle and shoulders hurt when I woke up. Did you all know that your breast tissue goes all the way up to your clavicle? He said my tissue was dissected. I say it was scraped. Whatever the term, all of it was removed.
Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow began working. In all they tightened up the muscles in my chest and abdomen. They cut my abdomen (a 26" scar) and used my own tissue to remake my new boobs. Then they re-routed blood vessels from my abdomen to give the tranplanted tissue a good blood supply. Amazing, right? This took from the 4th hour to hour 15. At that point they got a messgage to my Mom that the surgery went great and now they were going to make me "pretty." This took the last 3 1/2 hours. Only God and those doctors know what I must have looked like...All the more reason why Dr. Cole was so amazed.
Next was Dr. Orringer. He removed my tape again and replaced my abdominal scar with a new gel-like bandage that feels really good and it moves with me, which is nice. He then removed the tape from my new boobs and we discussed my next procedure; making nipples. But since we were talking I never looked in the mirror. It's hard enough sitting or standing there all naked in front of these guys as they examine me. I know, least of my worries, right?
The tape that I had on this entire time was flesh colored, so after another exhausting day I got home and changed my clothes. My first look in the mirror is what I had been afraid to see this entire time. These white circles, nothing else, with stitch marks on these new foreign boobs. I just stood there and cried.
I went to Mom's today and told her about last night and cried again. I know it'll all get fixed, in time. Once again, patience; not my strong suit. I know I just have to pull on my big girl pants and just deal with this; and I will. I mean, I am. Aren't I?
I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. with that burning down the right side of my torso. Didn't want the dogs to get up so rather than getting water to take a pill, I just burned for about an hour then fell back to sleep. Jack woke up around 8 and we started our day. I think I'm still waiting to simply wake up one day and I feel "normal." But I know it's a process. That tightness that I feel is also getting better. Doctors say I can resume physical activity at week 6 or 8. We all know I've been doing far more than anyone expected at this point, but I think I am going to wait; exercise, lifting Jack, doing more physical activities. Hell, I tried opening a water bottle last night. After using a rubber mitt, then an oven mitt, I thought I may have popped a stitch. Couldn't open it so I put the damn thing back in the frig.
As for Mom, she's going to therapy at the foot clinic 3 days a week. Between me in my new industrial strength bra and tummy band and Mom in her Uggs with her $70 heel inserts, we are plugging right along. Don't count us out yet. Not sure what the situation was but the other day Mom asked me, "How did you get so stubborn?" Hmmmm, I don't know? What do you all think?
Thank you for your love, support and prayers. It really does help me and my family.
"Be kind to yourself and appreciate having the strength and courage to go through such an incredible adventure called LIFE." -James Van Praagh
Be well, Janeen
P.S. Jack, your having an over night at Anni's. You better be asleep and not sitting in her bed saying, "Let's party," like last time. Good night monkey.
So my day started with seeing Dr. Robert Cole, my general surgeon. I am just past 4 weeks of recovery and that was the first time he had seen me. And he said (and remeber he IS a surgeon and remarkable at what he does), "If my jaw wasn't already hinged it would be on the floor." He couldn't believe how good I looked and what my plastic surgeons were able to do. I asked for a few more details. He said he was working on me for about the first 4 hours. From then on, Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow worked on me the rest of the time. I told him how bad my clavicle and shoulders hurt when I woke up. Did you all know that your breast tissue goes all the way up to your clavicle? He said my tissue was dissected. I say it was scraped. Whatever the term, all of it was removed.
Dr. Orringer and Dr. Granzow began working. In all they tightened up the muscles in my chest and abdomen. They cut my abdomen (a 26" scar) and used my own tissue to remake my new boobs. Then they re-routed blood vessels from my abdomen to give the tranplanted tissue a good blood supply. Amazing, right? This took from the 4th hour to hour 15. At that point they got a messgage to my Mom that the surgery went great and now they were going to make me "pretty." This took the last 3 1/2 hours. Only God and those doctors know what I must have looked like...All the more reason why Dr. Cole was so amazed.
Next was Dr. Orringer. He removed my tape again and replaced my abdominal scar with a new gel-like bandage that feels really good and it moves with me, which is nice. He then removed the tape from my new boobs and we discussed my next procedure; making nipples. But since we were talking I never looked in the mirror. It's hard enough sitting or standing there all naked in front of these guys as they examine me. I know, least of my worries, right?
The tape that I had on this entire time was flesh colored, so after another exhausting day I got home and changed my clothes. My first look in the mirror is what I had been afraid to see this entire time. These white circles, nothing else, with stitch marks on these new foreign boobs. I just stood there and cried.
I went to Mom's today and told her about last night and cried again. I know it'll all get fixed, in time. Once again, patience; not my strong suit. I know I just have to pull on my big girl pants and just deal with this; and I will. I mean, I am. Aren't I?
I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. with that burning down the right side of my torso. Didn't want the dogs to get up so rather than getting water to take a pill, I just burned for about an hour then fell back to sleep. Jack woke up around 8 and we started our day. I think I'm still waiting to simply wake up one day and I feel "normal." But I know it's a process. That tightness that I feel is also getting better. Doctors say I can resume physical activity at week 6 or 8. We all know I've been doing far more than anyone expected at this point, but I think I am going to wait; exercise, lifting Jack, doing more physical activities. Hell, I tried opening a water bottle last night. After using a rubber mitt, then an oven mitt, I thought I may have popped a stitch. Couldn't open it so I put the damn thing back in the frig.
As for Mom, she's going to therapy at the foot clinic 3 days a week. Between me in my new industrial strength bra and tummy band and Mom in her Uggs with her $70 heel inserts, we are plugging right along. Don't count us out yet. Not sure what the situation was but the other day Mom asked me, "How did you get so stubborn?" Hmmmm, I don't know? What do you all think?
Thank you for your love, support and prayers. It really does help me and my family.
"Be kind to yourself and appreciate having the strength and courage to go through such an incredible adventure called LIFE." -James Van Praagh
Be well, Janeen
P.S. Jack, your having an over night at Anni's. You better be asleep and not sitting in her bed saying, "Let's party," like last time. Good night monkey.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
4 weeks ago tonight
So I don't want to be all dramatic, but I cannot help but be reminded what I was feeling just 4 short weeks ago and yet at that time I could not even imagine one day after surgery. I was just hoping to wake up. To all of you that were on the receiving end of my shortness before September 12, it's because I was just so scared. I had done all the doctor appointments and got a clean bill of health, but there was something nagging me...it was fear. And that fear spoke to me every night. It said, " this may be the last time you see this person.". It said, "this may be the last time you do....." whatever it was I was doing. But the most painful part was having to say goodbye to Jack on September 11. My heart was broken. It killed me. I didn't want to scare him so I tried to control my tears, but I was dying inside. I knew I had to trust my doctors. They would never perform such a surgery if they thought I would be at risk. I had to trust that those looking after Jack would keep him safe. At this time the longest I had ever been away from Jack was 2 days and he was with my Mom. I knew I had to trust God and have faith, but I really didn't. I think I was so numb to what I was doing and what was happening. I really don't think I walked into the hospital that morning at 5 am feeling anything but fear. It had such a grip on me. And yet I had SO many people praying for me and my family. And God knew the outcome. I wanted to say a prayer beforehand and yet once I got that first injection in my IV, I remember nothing. I don't remember talking to my doctors, my Mom, my brother, nothing. Did I say, "I love you?". Mom says yes, I did. Maybe having no memory is a good thing? When I woke up I apparently asked Darren, "Who won the game?" and I do remember a dream where I was packing. I told my Mom this, and she said, "because I told you to go to a happy place, Hawaii." as I was passing out. How weird our subconscious is.
I thought about writing a letter to Jack just in case, but then I thought I might be jinxing my luck. I wanted to say to everyone I saw before my surgery how much I love them, but was afraid everyone would think I was being over dramatic. So if I saw you, I probably cried after, on my own. Does everyone know what they mean to me? Did I have time to right my wrongs? Had a been a good enough Mom to Jack so far in his young life? Was I spiritual at all? Was I a fraud? Was I the person I really want to be?
I'm still swirling and thinking of these questions. I am different. I want to be better, and do better. I walked through a paralyzing fear. But what now? Yeah, physical pain is still here and it will be with me for quite awhile. But I cannot push aside my emotions beforehand.
This last month I have felt gratitude, love, pain, weakness, anger, peace, empowerment....Still trying to sort it all out. I mention God a lot more than ever before. I do feel like I've been through a certain hell. But there are woman that go through what I have done but they also had to battle cancer. Why did I get to dodge that bullet? As Mom titled this blog, As Designed By God! This is for sure. HE sees the big picture. Again, I'm just trying to sort it all out.
Bless you all, Janeen
I thought about writing a letter to Jack just in case, but then I thought I might be jinxing my luck. I wanted to say to everyone I saw before my surgery how much I love them, but was afraid everyone would think I was being over dramatic. So if I saw you, I probably cried after, on my own. Does everyone know what they mean to me? Did I have time to right my wrongs? Had a been a good enough Mom to Jack so far in his young life? Was I spiritual at all? Was I a fraud? Was I the person I really want to be?
I'm still swirling and thinking of these questions. I am different. I want to be better, and do better. I walked through a paralyzing fear. But what now? Yeah, physical pain is still here and it will be with me for quite awhile. But I cannot push aside my emotions beforehand.
This last month I have felt gratitude, love, pain, weakness, anger, peace, empowerment....Still trying to sort it all out. I mention God a lot more than ever before. I do feel like I've been through a certain hell. But there are woman that go through what I have done but they also had to battle cancer. Why did I get to dodge that bullet? As Mom titled this blog, As Designed By God! This is for sure. HE sees the big picture. Again, I'm just trying to sort it all out.
Bless you all, Janeen
Friday, October 7, 2011
What's up?
Hello everyone,
I feel like I woke up today and tides had turned a bit in my favor. My energy level still sucks. I'm so tired all the time, but my pain level today is actually better. Mom watched Jack for a bit and I told her that I feel like I have real deep bruises now and the burning isn't as bad. Moving is still difficult but I'm walking a bit straighter and a little faster. yeah me! Jack hit me again in the chest tonight....this makes number 3 or 4 now. My skin still feels thick and fake and it's dry. Lovely. But all this time now...I'm finally seeing some light.
Was able to take a walk with Jack tonight. Didn't want to go to the park because of all the rain, so we walked until he saw that the garbage trucks were still collecting trash. He went nuts. My boy loves trucks; bigger the better. He ran, I hobbled as fast as I could and we waved to the same guy in his truck 3 different times. After that, Jack said, "let's go home."
Exhausting.
I'll be at 4 weeks Monday. My head is swirling with all I'm feeling and everyone's continued concern for me and my family.
And lastly, i want to acknowledge that today is the anniversary of my grandmothers passing; Jeanne Elizabeth Butler Straub. To MY Mom, be well today. I love you.
Janeen
I feel like I woke up today and tides had turned a bit in my favor. My energy level still sucks. I'm so tired all the time, but my pain level today is actually better. Mom watched Jack for a bit and I told her that I feel like I have real deep bruises now and the burning isn't as bad. Moving is still difficult but I'm walking a bit straighter and a little faster. yeah me! Jack hit me again in the chest tonight....this makes number 3 or 4 now. My skin still feels thick and fake and it's dry. Lovely. But all this time now...I'm finally seeing some light.
Was able to take a walk with Jack tonight. Didn't want to go to the park because of all the rain, so we walked until he saw that the garbage trucks were still collecting trash. He went nuts. My boy loves trucks; bigger the better. He ran, I hobbled as fast as I could and we waved to the same guy in his truck 3 different times. After that, Jack said, "let's go home."
Exhausting.
I'll be at 4 weeks Monday. My head is swirling with all I'm feeling and everyone's continued concern for me and my family.
And lastly, i want to acknowledge that today is the anniversary of my grandmothers passing; Jeanne Elizabeth Butler Straub. To MY Mom, be well today. I love you.
Janeen
Letter to BRCA
Dear BRCA,
I'm Janeen,a new client of yours. Was just wondering, you've taken my breasts, my nipples; you'll be taking my fallopian tubes and ovaries soon..is this enough for you? I mean with all the other cancers that I am at risk for because of a BRCA2 gene mutation, I think this is enough. I know I've had you all my life but we really just got acquainted almost a year ago. So you got that too, my time. We both know you'll have me for about another year, but then we are done.
Oh I'm not forgetting my many blessings, but can't help that I've been feeling a bit pissed off. Hear me loud and clear, you don't get the right to mess with my future.
I think you have destroyed many people's lives. I also think you wake people up. I get it, I'm awake! And I believe with Gods grace I will soon be done with you. Oh, I know you'll be with me forever, but I will not give you anymore pieces of me. You will not cloud my heart and my mind. You're not worth it. You've caused enough pain, both physical and emotional to me, my family and my friends.
Maybe now I can have a peaceful sleep. Feels good to get that off my chest, no pun intended.
Sincerely,
Me
I'm Janeen,a new client of yours. Was just wondering, you've taken my breasts, my nipples; you'll be taking my fallopian tubes and ovaries soon..is this enough for you? I mean with all the other cancers that I am at risk for because of a BRCA2 gene mutation, I think this is enough. I know I've had you all my life but we really just got acquainted almost a year ago. So you got that too, my time. We both know you'll have me for about another year, but then we are done.
Oh I'm not forgetting my many blessings, but can't help that I've been feeling a bit pissed off. Hear me loud and clear, you don't get the right to mess with my future.
I think you have destroyed many people's lives. I also think you wake people up. I get it, I'm awake! And I believe with Gods grace I will soon be done with you. Oh, I know you'll be with me forever, but I will not give you anymore pieces of me. You will not cloud my heart and my mind. You're not worth it. You've caused enough pain, both physical and emotional to me, my family and my friends.
Maybe now I can have a peaceful sleep. Feels good to get that off my chest, no pun intended.
Sincerely,
Me
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Dr. Oz tweet today
Just read a tweet from Dr. Oz. He was tweeting about Steve Jobs, an absolute visionary that changed the world and past away from pancreatic cancer. Dr. Oz tweeted information today about pancreatic cancer. And yes those with a BRCA2 gene mutation have a higher risk of this cancer. I put out this information a few posts ago. Just want to reinterate to those that are BRCA2 positive. I feel like I have dodged a bullet. How lucky can I be? I'm still fearful but as Steve Jobs said, "...having the energy to go ahead,right alongside fear."
Ignorance was bliss! I have so much information now, I have to stay proactive with my health. But having this nasty gene is a constant reminder that my risk is higher than you.
So how am I feeling? Same complaints. It is what it is! Need time.
Janeen
Ignorance was bliss! I have so much information now, I have to stay proactive with my health. But having this nasty gene is a constant reminder that my risk is higher than you.
So how am I feeling? Same complaints. It is what it is! Need time.
Janeen
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Blog Problems Believed To Be Fixed
To all of you who have tried to leave comments on Janeen's blog and were unable to do so, I believe Darren has solved the problem. Blogspot added a new spam filter system on their service and it was not compatible with the way we set up this blog originally. So, now when you wish to comment, hit the word comment under the new posting and you will get a pop-up space to say whatever it is that you wish to say. Type your comment, add your Name Only in the space provided (leave URL vacant), preview/edit and you should be good. Good Luck!!!!
Today Janeen and I went bra shopping. Not for your regular sexy bra but not a boulder holder either. We found the perfect mastectomy bra for her and it is really pretty. The one we bought at St.John's upon discharge was ugly and huge...it just hung on her. Swelling has gone down and she has lost weight so the utility bra was useless. So she was fitted today with a proper fitting bra and belly band. These articles allow her to stand up straighter and give her the support she has been lacking. It is my belief that some of the burning she is experiencing is due to slouching in order to protect herself and her muscles are screaming for her to relax. I think a good Martini and a Xanax accompanied by her new under garments and she will feel much better.
About Me.....infection in left leg is slowly going away and I learned today I have two heel bone spurs, one in the bottom of my heel and the other in the back of my heel. These are on my right foot. So this is why I can't walk. Looks like more foot surgery for me...someday?/!@
Thank you Jess and Maxine for dinner tonight. It was so appreciated and helped both of us out more than you'll ever know. We're both losing weight. Janeen doesn't care about eating and I can't get to the food. What a pair we are but I wouldn't change a thing even if I could.
Pistol Pete (Jack) spent the night with me last evening. He cried, he wanted to come home with me so badly. He said to Janeen, " mom, go to your room and rest!" " I'm going home with anni". We got home and he ran ahead to my bed and by the time I hobbled in there, he was sitting in my bed and said, " let's party!" I swear to you I thought I was going to die laughing. What would Janeen and I do without Baby Nack???
Love to all and we hope to hear from you when you have time to keep in touch.
Barb
Today Janeen and I went bra shopping. Not for your regular sexy bra but not a boulder holder either. We found the perfect mastectomy bra for her and it is really pretty. The one we bought at St.John's upon discharge was ugly and huge...it just hung on her. Swelling has gone down and she has lost weight so the utility bra was useless. So she was fitted today with a proper fitting bra and belly band. These articles allow her to stand up straighter and give her the support she has been lacking. It is my belief that some of the burning she is experiencing is due to slouching in order to protect herself and her muscles are screaming for her to relax. I think a good Martini and a Xanax accompanied by her new under garments and she will feel much better.
About Me.....infection in left leg is slowly going away and I learned today I have two heel bone spurs, one in the bottom of my heel and the other in the back of my heel. These are on my right foot. So this is why I can't walk. Looks like more foot surgery for me...someday?/!@
Thank you Jess and Maxine for dinner tonight. It was so appreciated and helped both of us out more than you'll ever know. We're both losing weight. Janeen doesn't care about eating and I can't get to the food. What a pair we are but I wouldn't change a thing even if I could.
Pistol Pete (Jack) spent the night with me last evening. He cried, he wanted to come home with me so badly. He said to Janeen, " mom, go to your room and rest!" " I'm going home with anni". We got home and he ran ahead to my bed and by the time I hobbled in there, he was sitting in my bed and said, " let's party!" I swear to you I thought I was going to die laughing. What would Janeen and I do without Baby Nack???
Love to all and we hope to hear from you when you have time to keep in touch.
Barb
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
A Little Background
My last doctor visit I was asked if I would speak to a woman having my same procedure in the next few weeks. I was shocked and honored that they felt I was improving so well, that I could share a bit of my experience. I spoke to her today and I felt that perhaps I should write about it as well. I know I have family and friends checking in and reading this blog but since I do not have thousands of friends, I think there may be some strangers reading this and if I can help....here it goes.
Getting a BRCA (1 or 2) diagnosis is startling to say the least. I didn't even know what it meant. I met with a genetic counselor and although she was very nice and was there to answer questions, I didn't even know what to ask. She handed me information for a hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy. All I could think of was, "What the hell is happeneing, I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!" Little did I know that it wasn't a matter of IF I got cancer, it was a matter of WHEN.
After crying for hours I called my primary physician, Dr. Jon Cole as well as my gynocologist Dr. Jon Wheeler. I met with them both and they agreed, yes, I needed to address this and soon.
I am BRCA 2 positive. I was born with this gene; a glitch in my DNA. I am thankful I live in a time where a simple albeit expensive blood test can tell me what my future would hold. Something I was also shocked about it that this gene is from my father's side. Most people think you can only get breast cancer if your mother or a female in your family has had cancer. My father is also BRCA positive; even though he has not been tested, you get 50% of your genes from your father and 50% from your mother. My patrnal grandmother had breast cancer in her 30's and my father's sister got breast cancer at 41. These ages are two red flags! Her daughter, my cousin, is also BRCA 2 positive. So there is a chance that my brother may also be positive and that I have passed this gene to my son. A BRCA positive gene for a man gives them a higher chance of breast cancer too as well as prostate cancer.
A BRCA 1 diagnosis has a greater focus on ovarian cancer along with breast cancer. A BRCA 2 diagnosis has a greater focus on breast cancer, and then ovarian cancer.
So now that I have had my bilateral mastectomy, I do have to address my ovaries. This will be next year as I cannot even image yet another surgery right now. I still have a few surgeries to complete my breast reconstruction. As I have written, what I am feeling now, I do not want anyone to touch me right now.
Dr. Jon Cole is an amazing doctor who always gives me so much time. He met with me initially and he said, "You are NOT getting cancer." He gave me referrals and I was on my way to look for my "team." And you do need a team. I had one nurse tell me, "Oh you just find a plastic surgeon and you"ll be fine." Uh, NOT. This is no slam dunk. I also heard from another doctor that she would have me in and out in 3 hours. This was a mastectomy with implants.
I met with Dr. Robert Cole, yes they are brothers. He is a general surgeon and a great one at that. He removed a melanoma for me years ago and I knew he was going to be my surgeon. I met with various plastic surgeons in Orange County as well as Los Angeles. I just didn't find a good fit with doctors in my home area, OC. Or if I liked one doctor I didn't care for who they worked with. Then again on the advice of Jon Cole, I met Dr. Jay Orringer, my plastic surgeon. He was the only doctor that offered a DIEP flap. This is where they take your own tissue for immediate reconstruction. Initially he said it would be a 10-12 hour surgery. I thought OMG, I DON'T HAVE CANCER, this isn't necessary. But after much consideration and meeting with even more doctors, who didn't perform this surgery said, that I would be a good candidate for it, if I found a doctor good enough to do it. I needed doctors that had done this thousands of times. And Dr. Orringer was my guy.
Dr. Orringer also felt that I needed a microsurgeon on my team. He is the one that reconnects all of my blood vessels after the tissue transfer. And this amazing man is Dr. Jay Granzow. He is so accredited it's stunning. When I met with Dr. Granzow, he agreed with Dr. Orringer and thought the DIEP flap would be the best FOR ME.
I was diagnosed with BRCA in November 2010. I was on the fast track because I'm a single parent to at that time a 17 mos. old boy. My head was spinning, meeting with doctors, having a breast MRI, then another mammogram. I also had to address my ovaries, so I had to have blood tests, CA-125 in particular (which throws off false positives) but both times they came back negative. My next CA-125 be will in February next year. I also had to continue meeting with my gynocologist and had vaginal ultrasounds. I also had to have a hysteroscopy before my breast surgery. I still have to be monitored until I address my ovaries. I was also taking the birth control pill again as per my oncologist to protect my ovaries, but had to get off that a few weeks before my surgery so that I didn't get a blood clot. It was just one thing after another and constant monitoring. I was supposed to have surgery in February 2011 and after numerous panic attacks I knew I wasn't ready. So although I was already living with doctors, I needed more time. So I chose to continue being monitored which meant I had to repeat many of the same tests.
September 12, 2011 ended up being my surgery date and I knew it was time. My 10-12 hour, then 15 hour surgery, ended up being 18 and 1/2 hours. I will forver be grateful to Dr. Robert Cole, Dr. Jay Orringer, Dr. Jay Granzow and all the doctors and nurses and staff at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica.
A BRCA diagnosis is not to be taken lightly. Again while I did not and do not have cancer I have a wonderful oncologist that has made me aware of other cancers because of the BRCA, one being pancreatic cancer. I will continue to have my pancreas checked every year and I will also have to be diligent with colon screening (I've already had 2 colonoscopies). Please don't listen to what the news says about cancer screening and the ages you need to start getting monitored. If you have a gut feeling or have a history in your family, take control and do something about it.
I have said a lot tonight and this is still just the cliff notes of my year. I never thought that this would be my movie. Some have called me pro-active and brave and gutzy. But really I'm just a Mom who wants to continue being a Mom. And I also have a pretty tough Mom who would kick my ass if I decided to stick my head in the sand. For anyone newly diagnosed with BRCA, take charge. You can make a difference. F*^#k Cancer. Believe me, if I can do this, so can you. You are not alone.
God Bless You, Janeen
Getting a BRCA (1 or 2) diagnosis is startling to say the least. I didn't even know what it meant. I met with a genetic counselor and although she was very nice and was there to answer questions, I didn't even know what to ask. She handed me information for a hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy. All I could think of was, "What the hell is happeneing, I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!" Little did I know that it wasn't a matter of IF I got cancer, it was a matter of WHEN.
After crying for hours I called my primary physician, Dr. Jon Cole as well as my gynocologist Dr. Jon Wheeler. I met with them both and they agreed, yes, I needed to address this and soon.
I am BRCA 2 positive. I was born with this gene; a glitch in my DNA. I am thankful I live in a time where a simple albeit expensive blood test can tell me what my future would hold. Something I was also shocked about it that this gene is from my father's side. Most people think you can only get breast cancer if your mother or a female in your family has had cancer. My father is also BRCA positive; even though he has not been tested, you get 50% of your genes from your father and 50% from your mother. My patrnal grandmother had breast cancer in her 30's and my father's sister got breast cancer at 41. These ages are two red flags! Her daughter, my cousin, is also BRCA 2 positive. So there is a chance that my brother may also be positive and that I have passed this gene to my son. A BRCA positive gene for a man gives them a higher chance of breast cancer too as well as prostate cancer.
A BRCA 1 diagnosis has a greater focus on ovarian cancer along with breast cancer. A BRCA 2 diagnosis has a greater focus on breast cancer, and then ovarian cancer.
So now that I have had my bilateral mastectomy, I do have to address my ovaries. This will be next year as I cannot even image yet another surgery right now. I still have a few surgeries to complete my breast reconstruction. As I have written, what I am feeling now, I do not want anyone to touch me right now.
Dr. Jon Cole is an amazing doctor who always gives me so much time. He met with me initially and he said, "You are NOT getting cancer." He gave me referrals and I was on my way to look for my "team." And you do need a team. I had one nurse tell me, "Oh you just find a plastic surgeon and you"ll be fine." Uh, NOT. This is no slam dunk. I also heard from another doctor that she would have me in and out in 3 hours. This was a mastectomy with implants.
I met with Dr. Robert Cole, yes they are brothers. He is a general surgeon and a great one at that. He removed a melanoma for me years ago and I knew he was going to be my surgeon. I met with various plastic surgeons in Orange County as well as Los Angeles. I just didn't find a good fit with doctors in my home area, OC. Or if I liked one doctor I didn't care for who they worked with. Then again on the advice of Jon Cole, I met Dr. Jay Orringer, my plastic surgeon. He was the only doctor that offered a DIEP flap. This is where they take your own tissue for immediate reconstruction. Initially he said it would be a 10-12 hour surgery. I thought OMG, I DON'T HAVE CANCER, this isn't necessary. But after much consideration and meeting with even more doctors, who didn't perform this surgery said, that I would be a good candidate for it, if I found a doctor good enough to do it. I needed doctors that had done this thousands of times. And Dr. Orringer was my guy.
Dr. Orringer also felt that I needed a microsurgeon on my team. He is the one that reconnects all of my blood vessels after the tissue transfer. And this amazing man is Dr. Jay Granzow. He is so accredited it's stunning. When I met with Dr. Granzow, he agreed with Dr. Orringer and thought the DIEP flap would be the best FOR ME.
I was diagnosed with BRCA in November 2010. I was on the fast track because I'm a single parent to at that time a 17 mos. old boy. My head was spinning, meeting with doctors, having a breast MRI, then another mammogram. I also had to address my ovaries, so I had to have blood tests, CA-125 in particular (which throws off false positives) but both times they came back negative. My next CA-125 be will in February next year. I also had to continue meeting with my gynocologist and had vaginal ultrasounds. I also had to have a hysteroscopy before my breast surgery. I still have to be monitored until I address my ovaries. I was also taking the birth control pill again as per my oncologist to protect my ovaries, but had to get off that a few weeks before my surgery so that I didn't get a blood clot. It was just one thing after another and constant monitoring. I was supposed to have surgery in February 2011 and after numerous panic attacks I knew I wasn't ready. So although I was already living with doctors, I needed more time. So I chose to continue being monitored which meant I had to repeat many of the same tests.
September 12, 2011 ended up being my surgery date and I knew it was time. My 10-12 hour, then 15 hour surgery, ended up being 18 and 1/2 hours. I will forver be grateful to Dr. Robert Cole, Dr. Jay Orringer, Dr. Jay Granzow and all the doctors and nurses and staff at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica.
A BRCA diagnosis is not to be taken lightly. Again while I did not and do not have cancer I have a wonderful oncologist that has made me aware of other cancers because of the BRCA, one being pancreatic cancer. I will continue to have my pancreas checked every year and I will also have to be diligent with colon screening (I've already had 2 colonoscopies). Please don't listen to what the news says about cancer screening and the ages you need to start getting monitored. If you have a gut feeling or have a history in your family, take control and do something about it.
I have said a lot tonight and this is still just the cliff notes of my year. I never thought that this would be my movie. Some have called me pro-active and brave and gutzy. But really I'm just a Mom who wants to continue being a Mom. And I also have a pretty tough Mom who would kick my ass if I decided to stick my head in the sand. For anyone newly diagnosed with BRCA, take charge. You can make a difference. F*^#k Cancer. Believe me, if I can do this, so can you. You are not alone.
God Bless You, Janeen
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's been 3 weeks today!
Cannot believe three weeks ago today I was having surgery. So after an exhausting Friday of having my drainage ball removed and stitches and Mom's doctor appointment, I was too tired to finally shower. So it waited until Saturday. Felt good. Mom took Jack that night so I called it a night very early and was able to sleep in, which was quite nice. The weekend flew by. I am now feeling a burning sensation all on my torso. I know it's due to surgery. A shirt, a sheet, sometimes feels like too much on me. A blanket last night as far too heavy. I was able to sort of lay on my side, kind of, with pillows on either side of me and that gave me some back relief. I realized that I would have to drug myself 24/7 and be in the loopy state to get the relief I'm looking for and since this is not possible, I have to deal with it, work through it and give myself TIME. I am numb but I feel this burning and pressure. It's hard to explain. My skin feels incredibly uncomfortable. It also feels thick. I am still very swollen. I'm happy to report that I'm down 10 lbs so far and Mom is down over 20 lbs. It's called the Stress Diet. I don't recommend it, but it's working. I am trying to eat but nothing sounds that great and some days I get Jack covered and I forget to eat myself. I believe the extra sleep I got on Saturday night helped me a lot. I just want to close my eyes every chance I get so I sleep when Jack sleeps. He tried to cuddle with me last night, but it's still difficult and I'm trying to protect myself, so I feel bad.
So this is where I'm at today. Again, I thank everyone who continues to read this and checks in on me. I have to say if I don't move, I feel OK today, but getting up now to make lunch for Jack. So much for not moving. I have Darren coming over this afternoon to play with my little monkey.
I am getting cabin fever. I drive just little bits, like to moms house and back, but maybe I can have a coffee date with some of you soon. I'll be the one hunched over walking like a troll.
Hope you're all having a great day. Moms at a foot clinic today. I pray she gets some relief.
Sincerely, Janeen
So this is where I'm at today. Again, I thank everyone who continues to read this and checks in on me. I have to say if I don't move, I feel OK today, but getting up now to make lunch for Jack. So much for not moving. I have Darren coming over this afternoon to play with my little monkey.
I am getting cabin fever. I drive just little bits, like to moms house and back, but maybe I can have a coffee date with some of you soon. I'll be the one hunched over walking like a troll.
Hope you're all having a great day. Moms at a foot clinic today. I pray she gets some relief.
Sincerely, Janeen
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