Two Weeks

So I'm just 2 weeks and a day from this second surgery; some days fly by, others go on forever.  My energy level is still not where I want it to be, but what can I do?  The week I got home as I said before Jack was sick so mom took him to her house.  So perhaps this is TMI, but I was home feeling pretty crappy, then I got my period, then I caught Jack's bug, so needless to say I have been rather bitchy.  As mom says, "is it time for your medication yet?"

This garment I have to wear is uncomfortable, so it feels nice to peel it off once in awhile, but then my body does start to hurt and it feels better to put it all back on.  Jack thinks my boobs currently look "gross." But he helps me out of bed because he says, "mommy has new boobies." and he wants to help me.  It's so sweet.  I just wonder if he's telling the kids at preschool about all this?

I know I'm still swollen and it'll just take time (not my strong suit), but I would be lying if I said the right side doesn't have me still a bit worried.  I'm hoping the black I see is just dry blood at this point.  I know this is graphic but I just feel like they are going to pop off like bottle caps.  There is zero feeling and stitches are everywhere so as much as I'd like to clean them up, I know I don't dare touch.

With the second round of antibiotics, the Z-Pack and the other meds I was on, I'm sure this contributed to my stomach being upset and now whatever bug I was fighting is now a head cold.  The doctor said I could start walking on a treadmill this week.  Oh yeah!  Get right on that!  Not that I'll be training for any marathon, but perhaps it would help.

I see Dr. Orringer again this Friday....perhaps more stitches coming out????  Maybe just making sure my right nipple doesn't fall off.  Just kidding!  Jack and I sat on my bed tonight and he helped me cut out my new "donuts."  I can barely cut a circle, so mine don't look great but I found a pair of those padded inserts from an old sports bra.....so I place those over the make-shift donuts and now with a shirt on, you cannot tell what's going on underneath.  I feel so much better that it's not so obvious anymore.  Sometimes it's just those little things that make it better.

I've been taking pictures along the way.  I believe this WILL be a distant memory for me someday, so I want this all documented, which is anther reason for the blog as well.  I do go back and read what I have written; what others have contributed.......it's been quite a journey.  I hope to one day have enough distance from this that I can honestly see every single blessing.  I KNOW they are there, but I have these other emotions that seem to creep in and linger.  They take hold and it's difficult to shake off.

BUT, I have my little man that keeps me laughing......

He thought this was a good idea last night..... 

to look like mommy! 

Love, Janeen

Check Up

I had my first post op appointment today with Dr. Orringer. The one downside to having LA doctors is driving back and forth for appointments afterwards. Very uncomfortable. So I got most of my stitches removed and where I had developed hard scar tissue is now duey soft. I am still fairly numb but I did feel some of the stitch removal so I guess that's a good sign. But the major reveal today.....nipples. It was startling to say the least but he did warn me. Dr. O did his happy dance when he revealed my left side, nice and pink. The right....well, he said it looks good. The biggest worries are infection and tissue dying and I thought maybe the right one was dying because parts are black. He said I am past the dying stage and it does have a good blood supply so not to worry, but I am. Again, they are big but they will shrink. He is beyond pleased with how I look because he's done this thousands of times and knows what the final outcome will look like. I have no frame of reference so I can't quite do any happy dance yet. I always feel like my lack of enthusiasm may be mistaken for being unappreciative and this couldn't be further from the truth. I am so glad my doctor understands this. But he had a grin from ear to ear and is just so happy. My right breast that had to be reduced wasn't closed so he removed the stitches and put in new ones. Again he said I was numb and wouldn't feel it, but I did, so again, maybe a good sign that feeling is coming back. I have a little concern for new stitches as I have had another scar once from a basel cell that refused to close that took 3 attempts. But I will try to stay optimistic. Mom and I were surprised at the lack of black and blue those first days but I certainly have many colors going on now. I do look like I've been used as a punching bag. I got new donuts cut out that I have to put into my bra now and here's a kicker....for up to one year. Yup, we don't want my new babies to flatten. I am very self conscious as I thought everyone was looking right at my boobs today. I'll probably feel this way for awhile until I can get to the point where I say "screw it.". I know why they are there.

Anyway the 405 was hell today so I'm glad to be home. My sitter ran Jacks ass off today so I have a tired baby and I am exhausted. Can't wait to change into my other wet suit, fix my new bra and crawl into bed where I can only pull the sheets up to my waist. This is going to take some getting used to. I'm back on meds to prevent infection from my new stitches...and taking Z pack because I feel like crap. I got Jacks bug as does mom. as I seem to finish most posts, this too shall pass.

Exhausting day...good night.

Janeen, Jack and two tired puggies. Thank God!

P.S. Thank You

OK, I can't count...it's only been 4 days.  I ended my last post abruptly since mom and Jack were coming to pick me up.  Cabin fever has set in.   Jack still has a fever but I'm dying to see him.  So we went for a little drive and Jack ended up throwing up in the backseat just now.  So I was immediately dropped off to my house.  I hobbled in to feed the dogs and get back to bed.  Mom is on her way home to clean up quite a mess.

How do I ever begin to say thank you for all that mom has done and continues to do?  Can we just get a break somewhere?  Having mom with Jack is most important to me right now.  I'll be fine.

I go through these trials and tribulations and think God sure is testing my faith and yet I know HE is doing the most for us all right now.  I believe I know unconditional love.  When I'm hurting and I'm so irritated, I must remember this.

THANK YOU MOM FOR TAKING SUCH AMAZING CARE OF ME & JACK!! WE LOVE YOU!

xo, janeen & jack

5 Days Post Op

Mom always said if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all.  Well, I'm pretty miserable but here's an update.  The pain I felt in September after the mastectomy was the worst I have ever been through.  With the this surgery, not so much pain but I am incredibly uncomfortable and I know it's made me nasty to be around.  I feel like my body has been used as a punching bag.  Mom and I are both rather shocked at the very limited bruising right now but even if her hand grazes me, it kills.

Let me back up a bit....The night before my surgery I wrote that Dr. Orringer was not going to reopen my abdominal scar and that my new nipples would be the size of his thumb (I meant the tip of his thumb) to allow for shrinkage.  The morning of my surgery as Dr. O was scribbling all over me, he decided he was going to go after the built up scars tissue.  This included my abdomen as well as hardness that had developed around the left pectoral area.  With regards to my new nipples, I received another state of the art procedure using pig intestines rather than using an allograft.  This procedure has been available for awhile now but the company wants Dr. O to start using it in his reconstructions, so this is what I got.

We started promptly at 8 am with Dr. O and his tech "Lizard" dissecting just about every inch of me as I stand there in my birthday suit.  My body looked like a road map.  My IV was started and away I went...again having no real memory of that morning.  The surgery was 8 hours and when I woke up all I could think of was now I had to get dressed, get into a car and back to the recovery house...no hospital stay this time.  I had no idea that I had minimal stitches so everytime I moved or got up, I was drenched in blood and fluid.  I was a mess.  We all got back to Serenity I think after 5pm.  They kept in my IV for hydration until I checked out the following day.  I was so aggravated and pissy when we got back.  I could feel that I was wet but didn't know why.  Again, I was oozing fluid for 24 hours.  I was trying to use the bathroom, fluid dripping all down my backside, wheeling around my IV pole and people standing there watching me.  I wanted to scream, "get the f- out of here, give me some privacy."  Everytime I got up my gown had to get changed and my bed was changed.   My Mom would come in and wipe me down with a warm wash cloth.  Oh I forgot to add, at this time and currently I'm in a get-up that looks very much like a wet suit.  I also have on an industrial strength bra with holes cut out to accommodate the newly designed "donuts" that surround my new nipples so that they do not flatten.

So my surgery included, a right breast reduction to match the left, removal of scar tissue both from my abdomen and chest area, liposuction to flatten out the bulges from the previous reconstruction using my tissue as a transplant, and new nipples.  The liopsuction was aggressive in some areas and that's what is so incredibly uncomfortable right now.  With my other surgery I could at least get in and out of bed and do some things for myself, but because of the attire I must wear, I am at the mercy of others to help...and by others I mean MOM because there is no way in hell anyone else is going to see me like this.  And now we have deja vu.  Just like in September, Jack was sick just before I got home last time.....The second night I got home, my mom took Jack back with her to her house as he was sick with a fever and still is under the weather.  So I'm here, getting phone call updates.  Last night my uncle stayed with Jack so mom could come over and sponge bathe me, clean off all the pen marks, shave my legs, lotion me up and get me back in my wet suit and donut bra.  I know she is running ragged right now.

Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers......Trying to change my attitude but feeling so beat up makes me aggro.  Jack is a hand full for mom but I'd rather him be with her than anywhere else, especially being sick.  This too shall pass.  GOD give me strength right now.  I need it!!

Janeen  

TGIF

What a week this has been.  I can't tell you where the days have gone but I know it is Friday and hopefully everything will slow down.

Janeen came home on Wednesday evening and I got her settled in at her house.  We had about an hour and a half before Jack arrived with my sister and her husband with flowers, valentines, cupcakes and cookies Jack had made: it was bedlam but Jack was so excited.  Excited to see mommy and excited to show us all he had made.  It was a late night before I got him to bed, and Janeen's and my new living arrangement began.  I had her put her blow up bed in Jack's room for me so as not to disturb her when we were up but she got up anyway.  Needless to say, Janeen is at her house taking care of herself and I am at my house taking care of Jack who came down with a 102.4 fever yesterday.  Need to keep them apart. So I'll be going back and forth between the two houses until Jack gets well.

Janeen is in pain of course but is handling it as best she can without any help.  I will have my sister watch Jack tonight and I will go take care of Janeen.  Get her cleaned up etc., she will feel better and I'm sure not feel so isolated.  Bring her home then I leave her, what else can I do?  I'll spend some quiet time with her and hopefully she will put a smile on that pretty little face of hers. 

I'm sure Janeen will start posting in a few days and let you all know what she has and is still going through. Until then, we're doing OK and we hope all of you are healthy and avoiding that bug that has now caught up with us.

More at a later date..................................................Barb

She Did It Again

It has now been 24 hours since Janeen's last post.  Once again we are watching TV at Serenity House where she is recovering from her 8 hour surgery today.  ALL WENT WELL!!!!!!  She is doing great, walking the halls, eating dinner and reading catalogs.  She has no recollection of this morning nor of her transfer from the surgical center but that is a good thing.

I need to clarify something Janeen wrote last night.  Regarding her nipple construction she stated they would shrink upwards of 80% and therefore  they would be  made the size of  her doctor's thumb.  This would not be a good look and this DID NOT happen.  This is very interesting for those of you that like technicality.  Dr. Orringer took the skin that was placed or grafted onto her breast in the last surgery and pulled it and twisted the center, then inserted a pigs intestine partical and wrapped her skin around it and stitched it up.  Nice pink nipples with big black stitches.  They're so cute.  So no floppy thumbs hanging off her new boobies.  All of this totally amazes me.

He reduced the size of her right breast, so basically she has a breast reduction on the right side.  Her left breast was pulled over towards her cleavage  and contoured to match the right side.  He removed major scar tissue that had formed around the left breast as well as scar tissue that had formed as a result of her previous surgery on her abdominal scar and smoothed out her sides where  her original incision continues around  her hips.  She is wearing quite the get up.  A black girdle with suspenders, then a bra with the nipple area cute out and rubber rings around her nipples to protect them from disappearing. She is a sight to behold and she is gorgeous to me and Dr. Orringer.  She has handled this surgery so well so far. Every place he used the cannula she is weeping body fluids and this is very messy.  He left them open so she could drain and this causes lots of clothing changes as well as bedding.  I'm going to have to improvise once we come home.  She is delightful now but a bit bitchy when we left the surgical center.  She needed to calm down, it was diffinately time for medication.

The surgical center and Serenity House have been fantastic.  My girl is doing fine but I've had a very long day so I need to get to bed.  Looks like we will come home tomorrow and reunite with Baby Jack.  He is having a blast with my sister and her husband. We miss him and his hugs.

Janeen has been blessed once again.  The light of God has surrounded her all day and He has held me up. Today is a Valentine's Day that I will never forget.

Good night!
Barb

The Night Before...

I'm sitting here tonight at Serenity House awaiting my second reconstructive surgery tomorrow morning.  Can't believe I'm back here already.  Just 5 months from my last visit.  I am beyond exhausted.  I look terrible; have blood shot eyes.  I've been anxiously awaiting this second procedure.  I have had many sleepless nights.  I have never handled stress very well but now that I am a single parent, I think it gets worse.  I actually have been so anxiety ridden that my face is broken out, I have been sick to my stomach, my teeth hurt, nails chipping; sweet huh?  

This month I also had to return to my gynecologist for another CA-125 and yet another ultrasound.  The ultrasound showed something so my doctor asked me to return two days later for a hysteroscopy (knowing my second breast surgery was just days away).  So Friday I went it and he confirmed that I now have endometrial polyps.  This has nothing to do with my current situation but they need to be removed, so I will be doing this next.  The ultrasound showed very nice, healthy looking ovaries with follicles so I just bought myself another 6 months before I have to have the hysterectomy discussion again.  Once again I have been living with doctor appointments; so many lately.  

I'm thrilled my mom got to get away to Hawaii for some much needed R&R because I think I will really need more help this time as I have no hospital stay, just Serenity for a few days, then home.  I hate being away from Jack and my puggies, but I know they're fine and I will see them soon.

I was told tomorrow will be a 6 hour surgery, then got confirmation today that it's scheduled to be 8 hours.  I won't know the difference but mom will.  I haven't talked to anybody really so this may be the first you're reading about this second surgery date.  Sorry folks...just haven't felt like talking.

Tomorrow I will be getting my nipples.  How Dr. Orringer is going to accomplish this I still have no idea.  Also my right breast is noticeably larger so this breast has to be cut underneath and tissue removed so that it matches the smaller left breast.  Then I will be getting liposuction to tailor my new skin shirt that I spoke about previously.  My torso was pulled so tight that I bulge out on the sides.  I also have walnut size scar tissue forming on my abdominal scar that I asked Dr. Orringer to remove.  He said there is no way he is opening up that scar again to remove scar tissue.  So I guess I live with walnuts.  I have to break them up myself, but it feels very thick and gross.  I'm still quite numb from the September surgery so I'm not sure what my pain level will be, but I will wake up in these beautiful undergarments with donuts over my new nipples.  He already warned me that when I wake up I will probably be shocked when I see what I look like.  My nipples will be the size of his thumb and full of stitches.  Man made nipples shrink 80% so they need to get them as large as they can initially.  As much as I appreciate his honesty, I have had to live with this image for weeks now making my anxiety even worse.

I can feel myself coming down from all my angst lately.  Jack isn't here; no dogs and I'm so fatigued I feel like I'm in slow motion.  Gotta take my meds and ask mom to get back in her own bed....she's preoccupied with Letterman now.  I guess she'll me posting after tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day.  I LOVE YOU JACK!!!!!!

Love, Janeen    

D-Day

Packing is completed and only have to run a few errands before Janeen and I head out.  Janeen came over this morning with Jack and Starbucks in hand, and she looks like she has not slept in days.  She is so nervous and I cannot do anything or say anything that will give her peace of mind.  She certainly is not ready for this proceedure but it has to be done.  There will never be a good time, so now is as good as any.  Hopefully, she will be so druged she won't remember the first night and next day.  She has no recall of the last surgery until the second day.  This time by then we will be on our way home.

We've tried to prepare Jack as much as possible.  He has become very clingy to both of us.  He knows mommy and Anni are going to LA again to fix mommy's boobies.  He made us promise we would come back.  He once again will stay busy with my sister and her husband and they will do fun things with him.  He got a new Mater-Tryk for Valentine's Day and boy does he think he is something.  He's anxious to ride it to the park, Anni's park.  Jack will be so busy, we will be home before he can miss us.

Ms. Janeen will come home and do nothing but rest.  I mean nothing!  She needs to let her body heal and her mind and trust in God.  He will watch over her in surgery, I truly believe this, and He will walk beside her during the healing process.  Knowing how God works brings me comfort, strength and yes,
peace.  I don't always understand how God works but I do trust in Him.  Without Him what would one do?  How would all of us handle life's challenges, our failures, our fears, our relationships, our lives?  Boy, God is a very busy watching over all of us.  How lucky we are to be children of God.

Today is just another gift from God, rain and all.  I thank Him for today and I thank Him for all of you who are following Janeen's journey after all these months.

God Bless You All!....................................Barb

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY !!!!

I've returned from a fabulous trip with my sister to Maui.  Oh, how I needed last week.  I did NOTHING!
The Art Of Doing Nothing is so profound.  While I was relaxing and having fun, Janeen was home holding down the fort and finishing her pre-op appointments as well as her annual check ups needed to monitor her ovaries.  She does bloodwork, ultrasounds and sonograms.  She called me so upset as they found polyps in her uterus.  This has nothing whatsoever to do with her BRCA 2 gene issue, it is a female issue anyone can get but her doctor says it has to be removed and the sooner the better.

Folks, while I was gone, Janeen's surgery was changed from February 16th in a hospital, to February 14th, ( Yep....Valentine's Day ) in a surgical center.  The reason being, her doctor would have to rush the surgery in a hospital and he could take more time in a surgical center.  HELLO !  Of course he is going to take his time and get it right.  The 14th is this Tuesday....when do these doctor's think that polyp is coming out.  So many changes need to be made.  When a doctor changes direction, after care needs to be changed. child care, dog care for 4 dogs at two different residences, marketing. food providers, and all Valentine's Day plans cancelled.  Janeen is a nervous Nelly and I don't blame her one bit. But, I'm home and rested and will take over all the changes and she is to relax until we leave for LA on Monday.  Her surgery is now scheduled for 8:00 am and should last approximately 6 hrs.  She will be transferred to Serenity House where she will stay monitored and I am able to stay in her room with her.  Depending on how she handles this surgery determines when she will come home to my care. Hopefully, two days and I'll bring her home.  I will keep you all posted via this blog.

I have to laugh...are you ready?  Serenity House just called and asked me if Janeen and I were going to share the same bed. OMG!!!!  I said NO. she gets her own bed I'll sleep on the couch.  It's $350 extra a night for me to stay with her,  I want my own rollaway.

Maui was very healing for me.  My foot is not completely healed but I can walk and I am up for the challenge of caring for both Janeen and Jack.  I flunked Valentine's Day so for all of you who usually receive a card or little something from me, I love you I simply ran out of days.  Rejoice in the love you have for yourself and share that very love with all of those you come in contact with.  I'll be thinking of you while waiting for Janeen to come out of surgery and please pray for my girl on this day that all goes well.

To all my Valentines......Ciao!    Barb