Valentine's Day

Holy cow, can't believe it's already February, well almost March.  Where does the time go?  Well, this Valentine's Day was spent with family at Benihana as Jack enjoys the chefs antics.  That morning Jack had a surprise for me hidden under his bed at Nanni's house.  We went over and he crawled under there to retrieve my gift.  It was a beautiful Roberto Coin bracelet with a a single heart.  I love it and as always he gets help from Nanni.  They make a great shopping team.

Again, I cannot believe it's been a year since my second surgery.  Last year on Valentine's day I was finishing my reconstruction.  Another long day for mom...it was 8 hours.  There are quite a lot of foggy memories for me, but I do remember waking up from both surgeries and feeling like hell.  No hospital stay but I did go to Serenity House again.  I journal everyday and I can see just where I was a year ago to the day and I read how I was feeling, what I was thinking.....it just sucked!  My mom cleaning up after me, washing me (I'll spare you the details but it was gross).  So embarrassing but there is nobody I would rather have do those things.  So needless to say, we both agreed this year was much better.

February was also my check up month.  I found out when I called to reschedule my appointment that my doctor had sold his practice and that another doctor would now be seeing me.  Apparently about 1/3 of his patients did not receive notification of this change so while I do not take it personally, it threw me for a loop and I was very anxious.  I had a plan with my OBGYN and we were on the same page....Now I need to go through my history with this new doctor who doesn't know me or my situation at all and do it all in the 5-10 minutes that has been allocated for me.  As usual I did my CA-125 the week before (this is a blood test that can detect ovarian cancer....it also can throw off false positives so I am always nervous for this).  I had my regular scheduled ultrasound with my usual technician; for this I was thrilled, a familiar face.  Once again, she said my ovaries look good.  At my age and having the BRCA2 gene, they want my ovaries to just be "chillin."  Sherri told me that my new doctor didn't have the best bedside manner, that he was very direct, to the point and was all business.  Now I had already done some homework and called as many doctors I knew for suggestions and most told me to stay put, but did offer other doctors if I decided I needed to change.  So in my anxiety ridden day, after my ultrasound, I met my new doctor........and I like him.  THANK GOD!  He is direct and at one point I felt like I was taking a quiz.  I started to sweat.  He used so much medical jargon I just had to sit back and tell him I didn't understand what he was saying.  I felt so stupid.  This was after all my case we were discussing.  Anyway, I did get more than 10 minutes of his time.  He checked out my scars, we discussed more monitoring because I DO NOT want to go ahead with an oophorectomy just yet (removal of my tubes and ovaries).  I am so scared.  Not of the procedure, but what it will do to me, instant.....menopause.  It's like I choke on that word.  I associate it with instant old lady.  I feel like I've been through enough, right now.  I have to wait.  I have to stay monitored and I need to make sure this doctor is on board.  Which he is but as a BRCA patient he may ask for more monitoring and I'm fine with this.  I've already felt like a lamb to the slaughter.  With all I've been through so far,  I am completely spooked of more procedures but I know it will be necessary.  I just cannot be pushed and yet I hope I'm making the right decision.  This is my life.

As for my therapy, I think it has been very beneficial for me.  I have been able to unload and be very honest and shed many, many tears.  I've said it before this experience has forever changed me, I hope for the better.  Trying to sort it all out.  Declutter my mind, declutter my space, declutter my life.  This may even include the people I choose to surround myself with too.  It's been a painful road but I will continue.  The other day I read this, "The fog will clear when the wind blows and the sun will rise to mark a new day.  We will not only survive, but we will thrive."    

With the many other cancers I need to watch out for I have started back with my dermatologist.  We already did two biopsies and one was a pre-cancer so we are re-addressing this.  In all my years with this doctor I have probably had over 100 biopsies, with one melanoma and several pre-cancers so I must be diligent with this too.  The other two cancers we're watching for are pancreatic and colon.  I get more bang for my buck this time because they've decided to combine these two procedures this year.  Yeah me!!  This will be scheduled in the next few months.  Who doesn't like being scoped from both ends?

I don't like any of this.  I'm still getting used to it all.  I'm trying to find my peace.  The way in which I handle all this; it's a choice.  Often times I literally have to remind myself to breath.  And no matter what, I have a little set of eyes watching my every move, so I better get it right.  I'm still so scared.

Peace Be With You All,

Janeen

Happy New Year

Happy New Year.  It's been quite awhile since my last post because frankly I didn't want to write.  I feel so vulnerable about this process; the writing.  I have been so caught up in what I think everybody else thinks of my situation.  I was trying so desperately to get back to "normal" and put so much pressure on myself that last August, September and October were just horrible months.  In August I almost killed myself taking every exercise class I could only to constantly have my body reject all that I was doing.  I just ended up more angry, sad, frustrated.....Again, the doctor said, "You need a year."  And once again I heard, "You'll be back to yourself in a year."  Big difference.  In September, my "anniversary" month, I managed to fuck that up as well.  My mom gave me my new car, which I love, and in my feelings of unworthiness, I had already put her through so much and you don't even want to know the final cost, a new car was not on my radar.  After September I just felt like throwing in the towel.  I was embarrassed to say that I was in a severe depression.  I was and still am scared for my future.  My anger, fears, sadness were all displaced.  I've been walking around for a year thinking I was holding it all together.  Scared what others were whispering behind my back...."Why is she acting like this, she doesn't have cancer?"  So far, I DO NOT have cancer but I've had to do what many cancer patients have had to do and I still have BRCA.  No diet or magic pill, chemo or radiation gets rid of this.  My chances of getting many other cancers simply increases with age and last time I checked, I'm not getting any younger.  This has changed me and I hate that.  The month of October came and with it an ugly fight with my mom and that was the catalyst.  I wasn't fooling anybody, especially my mom.  The physical pain was gone but emotionally I was a mess.  Call it divine intervention, but about a week or so after this incident I decided to change my hair color.  I do things like this when I'm in crisis mode.  It's a quick change up for me.  Not sure why I do this, but I do.  So sitting there crying waiting for my appointment, the woman before me was a friend of a friend.  A doctor.  A woman I spoke to before all my surgeries just to get another opinion, as a doctor but also as a friend.  She asked how I was doing and I just sobbed.  She immediately said she would email me once she got back to her office with referrals for a therapist.  I swear I had tried to do this on my own but I didn't know who to go to.  I didn't know what I needed.  I didn't know who to reach out to.  She suggested a therapist who works with cancer patients and chronically ill people.  It ended up being a wonderful fit and I'm so happy to have a place to go.  Someone to talk to.  A safe place to just cry.  I'm so mad at myself that I am so stubborn it took such a painful fight with my mom to have this come to fruition.   

A BRCA diagnosis cannot help but make a person a hypochondriac.  There's a group of other woman, BRCA sisters, and we all follow each other on twitter.  The paranoia is sometimes funny but it's nice to know there are people, albeit strangers, that get me.  It's something that I cannot escape.  Whatever I'm doing I try to embrace because you never know.  None of us do but my chances are just greater.  Until I can wrap my brain around this, until I can talk about my experience without crying, until I can calm my nerves and anxieties, I'm not sure I'm the best person to be around.  I have probably alienated people because I've heard, they don't know what to say to me.  But their silence, and I mean my friends, has been deafening to me.  I know part of my sadness has been this very issue.  I certainly didn't want anyone here when I was first recovering.  It wasn't pretty and I was not prepared for the pain.  You don't really know what it feels like to have a bus hit you until one does.  OK, so it wasn't a bus but you know what I mean.  I wanted my friends to care and I didn't want to have to ask for it.  I've read so many blogs about woman that get cancer and they never hear from their friends again.  It's like everything and everyone changes.  I have been fighting this for one year.  I see all relationships as very different now.  We all can take so much for granted.  A phone message, a text, an email or e-card takes almost no time at all to let someone know you're thinking of them.  When you're in my shoes, the last thing I wanted to do was socialize, but hearing from my friends often times made a very difficult day a little bit better.  Even my mom's friends and my twitter friends made a difference and I thank you all.  You know just saying the words, cancer, BRCA, mastectomy, hysterectomy......sometimes they have to be spoken.  If you don't know what to say....say something.  It's a very daunting experience.  It has been quite lonely.  I have been fighting with myself, my faith and the one that continues to walk by my side, my mom.  The pain I feel now is all self imposed and it is what I have buried for a year.  I knew this was going to be so emotional, especially because I'm a single parent to Jack and the thought of leaving him just hurts me to my core.  I'm trying to put this all in it's proper place so I do not manifest cancer in another area.  I think if you brain fuck yourself enough, things can happen.  I cannot allow this!!!  I do believe I will accept this.  I do see light at the end of this tunnel now.  I do believe I will have a beautiful and full life with my son.  And I have to tell myself this everyday until it becomes natural.  I have to believe.........my sadness will wane and acceptance will come.

In 2012, I had my second surgery, also quite painful.  I lost my cousin to a massive heart attack.  I reconnected with my dad.  I lost my beloved pug Pearl  I shared a beautiful family vacation to Hawaii with extended family that just a few years ago I had not spoken to in over 15 years.  I shared an amazing "Kipis" with Jack who's 3 and the love of my life.  And welcomed this new year watching my son and mom, my beloveds, wearing hats and beads, blowing horns and having a sleep over in is room.   Total joy!!!

I want so much for myself this year.  I want to be a better friend, a better daughter and sister.  A better mother to Jack.  I want to be open and honest with loved ones and not be scared of the outcome.  I want to take batter care of myself which includes staying proactive in my health care.  (I have already received letters from my doctors that monitoring starts up again...not going to lie, my stomach is already in knots).  I want to learn to accept what I have been dealt and believe God has an amazing plan for me and my little family.  James Van Praagh said, "We are all here to learn to love, and the first lesson is learning love of self.  Without love of self, we cannot know how to love others."  If I go back to my first posts I often wrote about my lessons, acceptance, etc.....Well, it takes a lot of work to fight life's lessons.  Suppose things can go much smoother if I just concede.

Last, I don't say this enough, but, MOM.....I LOVE YOU!!!!

Happy 2013,  I wish you all the very best.  To my BRCA gals, hang in there.  It's a tough road, it sucks, but being proactive is saving your life!

XO, Janeen