Holy cow, can't believe it's already February, well almost March. Where does the time go? Well, this Valentine's Day was spent with family at Benihana as Jack enjoys the chefs antics. That morning Jack had a surprise for me hidden under his bed at Nanni's house. We went over and he crawled under there to retrieve my gift. It was a beautiful Roberto Coin bracelet with a a single heart. I love it and as always he gets help from Nanni. They make a great shopping team.
Again, I cannot believe it's been a year since my second surgery. Last year on Valentine's day I was finishing my reconstruction. Another long day for mom...it was 8 hours. There are quite a lot of foggy memories for me, but I do remember waking up from both surgeries and feeling like hell. No hospital stay but I did go to Serenity House again. I journal everyday and I can see just where I was a year ago to the day and I read how I was feeling, what I was thinking.....it just sucked! My mom cleaning up after me, washing me (I'll spare you the details but it was gross). So embarrassing but there is nobody I would rather have do those things. So needless to say, we both agreed this year was much better.
February was also my check up month. I found out when I called to reschedule my appointment that my doctor had sold his practice and that another doctor would now be seeing me. Apparently about 1/3 of his patients did not receive notification of this change so while I do not take it personally, it threw me for a loop and I was very anxious. I had a plan with my OBGYN and we were on the same page....Now I need to go through my history with this new doctor who doesn't know me or my situation at all and do it all in the 5-10 minutes that has been allocated for me. As usual I did my CA-125 the week before (this is a blood test that can detect ovarian cancer....it also can throw off false positives so I am always nervous for this). I had my regular scheduled ultrasound with my usual technician; for this I was thrilled, a familiar face. Once again, she said my ovaries look good. At my age and having the BRCA2 gene, they want my ovaries to just be "chillin." Sherri told me that my new doctor didn't have the best bedside manner, that he was very direct, to the point and was all business. Now I had already done some homework and called as many doctors I knew for suggestions and most told me to stay put, but did offer other doctors if I decided I needed to change. So in my anxiety ridden day, after my ultrasound, I met my new doctor........and I like him. THANK GOD! He is direct and at one point I felt like I was taking a quiz. I started to sweat. He used so much medical jargon I just had to sit back and tell him I didn't understand what he was saying. I felt so stupid. This was after all my case we were discussing. Anyway, I did get more than 10 minutes of his time. He checked out my scars, we discussed more monitoring because I DO NOT want to go ahead with an oophorectomy just yet (removal of my tubes and ovaries). I am so scared. Not of the procedure, but what it will do to me, instant.....menopause. It's like I choke on that word. I associate it with instant old lady. I feel like I've been through enough, right now. I have to wait. I have to stay monitored and I need to make sure this doctor is on board. Which he is but as a BRCA patient he may ask for more monitoring and I'm fine with this. I've already felt like a lamb to the slaughter. With all I've been through so far, I am completely spooked of more procedures but I know it will be necessary. I just cannot be pushed and yet I hope I'm making the right decision. This is my life.
As for my therapy, I think it has been very beneficial for me. I have been able to unload and be very honest and shed many, many tears. I've said it before this experience has forever changed me, I hope for the better. Trying to sort it all out. Declutter my mind, declutter my space, declutter my life. This may even include the people I choose to surround myself with too. It's been a painful road but I will continue. The other day I read this, "The fog will clear when the wind blows and the sun will rise to mark a new day. We will not only survive, but we will thrive."
With the many other cancers I need to watch out for I have started back with my dermatologist. We already did two biopsies and one was a pre-cancer so we are re-addressing this. In all my years with this doctor I have probably had over 100 biopsies, with one melanoma and several pre-cancers so I must be diligent with this too. The other two cancers we're watching for are pancreatic and colon. I get more bang for my buck this time because they've decided to combine these two procedures this year. Yeah me!! This will be scheduled in the next few months. Who doesn't like being scoped from both ends?
I don't like any of this. I'm still getting used to it all. I'm trying to find my peace. The way in which I handle all this; it's a choice. Often times I literally have to remind myself to breath. And no matter what, I have a little set of eyes watching my every move, so I better get it right. I'm still so scared.
Peace Be With You All,
Janeen
