Happy Thanksgiving

I had Mom over for dinner tonight. We ate at my decorated Thanksgiving table even though we will not be here at my house for Thanksgiving Day. As thankful as I am, I am also quite anxious for the holidays and I feel like I need to get rid of all the fall and make my house into some sort of winter wonderland now. I will be putting up my Charlie Brown tree, but my Mom and Aunt have other plans...I am leaving all of those details to them.

Is it a good thing that I have lost track of what week I'm at now? I'm absolutely feeling better, but I find myself at times still not believing that I have had a double mastectomy. I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off just yet. It's difficult to feel real feminine. And the fact that I wore an old pair of maternity sweatpants the other day doesn't help with feeling so feminine, but they are so comfortable. I have a new body, clothes fit differently and pieces of me will continue to change so it's all very weird. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but this has been a theme in my life. Just taking it all in. One day at a time. My boobs will not define me, but taking someone like me, who's always had body issues and then this happens......light bulb moment here....God's life lesson for me: acceptance. When I feel myself drifting away from my lessons and getting stuck in the absurd, I have to reel myself in and remind myself that I have been given this opportunity; this gift. I have had a physical change but I still think I got slammed in the face with a huge life lesson. When you can't change your situation, you gotta change your attitude. This isn't about the physical; it's all mental. I have to practice what I'm writing here. I get caught up in the physical because it's what we all see. Why do I get sucked into that 1% thinking? This is all we perceive with our five senses. On the other side of that curtain is the 99%. Nothing happens suddenly. Note to self: we are all more than our physical being.

Thanks for listening once again. I wish everybody a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for you all.

Bless you,

Janeen

November 12, 2010

One year ago today I got my BRCA results. What a difference a year makes. My Mom was in Hawaii and I was walking into Hoag to see a genetic counselor.

A year has already gone by and I'm already 2 months into the healing part from my surgery. I met with D. Orringer last week and we are already in talks for my next surgery. I will wait until the first part of the new year. It may be a 4-6 hour surgery. Won't even try to compare the two procedures. I was feeling a little blue for various reasons, but just feeling better and yet knowing I have to do this again, so soon. I knew going into this it would be about a year process total. And yet this year flew by.

Need to stay in the NOW. Count my blessings. Continue to embrace all the love I have received. Continue to love my Lovey and puggies. Thank God for my family and friends.

Again I am humbled by this experience, but it's not over. Gotta dig myself out of the blues when it hits. And if I have some trouble doing this, there's always Mom. I think my emotional ebb and flow is normal. I think having the periodic blues just goes along with the territory.

For all those continuing to stay in touch, I thank you.

Be well,

Janeen

Well Mom beat me to the punch tonight, but I too wanted to comment on a great day with my Mom. Yes, I'm at 8 weeks today. I still cannot believe 2 months ago tonight I was still in surgery going on hour 15 or so. As a mother myself (still sounds weird) I cannot imagine what my Mom was going through. I'm 42 but I'm still her kid. And as emotional and painful as this journey has been, I would gladly do it all over again as I don't think I could handle this if our roles were reversed.

Looking and feeling so tired I suggested to Mom we go get facials. Of course I'd kill for a massage but that ain't going to happen for a very long while. So we went to The Montage for a late lunch and had a good 'ol Mom and daughter day, like we used to. I DID take a pause before I changed and I admit I did look around to see who was in the changing area. But yes, I did tell Mom tonight that I don't care what anybody thinks about my scars, now or in the future. My doctor says that in time it will look like I had a mommy make-over. But I know the truth. I know what I went through and why. There was an article in a magazine where a woman wrote about being BRCA positive and she went through my same procedure to prevent breast cancer and she referred to herself as a previvor. So when I wrote before I don't know what category I'm in.....I know now. I'm a previvor.

My facial was awesome. Mom came out and I swear it looked like she had just stepped off a plane from Hawaii, all rested and glowing. Then I caught myself in the mirror, and I must say, I looked good. Like some time had been shaved off. I felt bright. I glowed too. It was such a wonderful rejuvenation. Never did I think I would even feel slightly comfortable enough to do this. Now I was very aware of my surroundings and for a Monday there were quite a few women there. But I figure the more I move forward I will continue to have emotional healing as well as physical. We are all going to be thrown a situation in our lives that will make us kick and scream, some of us may get a few of these, but it's the way in which we handle the situation that makes for the best outcome. And so today I handled it with a facial and a martini.

Spending time with my Mom outside of hospitals and doctor offices was so refreshing. And Jack got to spend quality time with his uncle. The time I get with my loved ones is what's most important. You can't buy time. You have to be able to give it AND receive it. I know thanksgiving is still a few weeks away, but I don't need just one day to give thanks.

I am blessed, thankful and hey Mom, I'm HAPPY! I love you.

Love, janeen

Beautiful Day

Hello everyone....today was a BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!  You all know by now, it was 8 weeks ago I sat in a hospital worried sick over my daughter in an operating room.  Although I had Darren beside me, it was one of the longest days of my life.  Today, as I sat with my daughter at The Montage, having lunch and taking in the view of our beautiful coastline both of us reflected back to September 12, 2011.  It has ONLY been 8 weeks but today it seemed like years ago.  We were back having our mom/daughter day and it was Janeen's idea.  Darren watched Jack so we could have some girlie time and it was wonderful.  Now, for the best part.  We went to the spa and had facials.  If you had asked me 2 months ago did I think Janeen would go into a spa and disrobe for a proceedure, I would have said, " NO WAY"!  Well she did and the best part for me was to hear her say, " I no longer care about my scars, I've earned every one ".  I had to fight back the tears.  Both of us came out of our respective treatments glowing.  Truly, we BOTH looked younger, or that's what we told each other.  So that called for a cocktail.  One phone call to Uncle D to see if everything was under control at home, ( it was ) and we headed for the lounge and a Martini.  We felt like the piano player was playing just for us and we were both so relaxed.  I could have sat there for hours but reality set in and it was time to come home.

Our thoughts were with Annette who we figured is about 2 1/2 weeks post op.  She's hurting bad right about now....we can't forget to continue praying for her.  I hope Janeen will make contact with her again real soon.

So, we took time for us today, hope all of you still following this journey will take some time for yourself and have a Beautiful Day too.  So much to be thankful for, go celebrate!

Barb

Happy Halloween

Another week anniversary, week 7 and it's Halloween. I never thought I'd be taking Jack out for trick-or-treating, but I did. Uncle Darren and Uncle Jerry went too. Jack's Anni and Uncle D surprised us with dressing as Fred and Wilma Flintstone. I laughed so hard it hurt. I swear tonight was so fun and I was hurting and still burning, but because I was doubled over laughing all night. I never could have imagined this a month ago. I would love to post a picture but I think if I do, I may be disowned?

My aunt and a wonderful neighbor came over tonight as well, both breast cancer survivors. And today is the last day of October, which as we all know is breast cancer awareness month. My mom bought me two beautiful bracelets to commemorate this month and said I too was a breast cancer survivor, which I don't think I am. I think I just beat cancer before it beat me! I don't know, I feel conflicted with what category I fit into. If a category is even important.

Getting back into the swing of things. I feel overwhelmed that the holidays are right around the corner and I'm still fairly tired. I started taking naps with Jack when I first got home from the hospital because I missed him so much, and we just cuddled and held hands. Well, he's fine napping in his room when I'm not here, but I still take advantage of my cuddle time when I can. Of course, I could be doing more with that time, like laundry or cleaning, but how can I pass up holding that little hand? Most times I just rest my eyes and stare at my beautiful boy. He has a way with opening your heart. There is a rejuvenated joy in my family now.

Gods plan for me turned my world upside down. It threw us all for a loop. I believe this is why HE graced me with Jack before BRCA.

Hope everyone had a safe evening. There is joy in my house.

Love, Janeen

" JOY "

Hi everyone.  Can any one tell me where the last three months went?  I am so overwhelmed with the holidays right around the corner that I stay up til 3:00 and 4:00 am ordering on line so I can catch up.  But I realized an incredible fact just today and that is I am filled with " joy"!  I stopped liking all holidays so many years ago I couldn't even tell you when. Oh sure, I love buying for friends and for people who have helped me through out the year but for the most part all the commercial stuff I have dreaded for so long now. I thought that once the kids grew up it was a natural step to be done with all the fa - la - la - la - la.  I hated Halloween, Thanksgiving was just a farse because in my mind we should be thankful every day and other than the real meaning of Christmas, Christs birth, everything else became just to damn hard. But for some reason, or for many reasons I am excited this year for all the hollidays and I want to shout it to the world. The feeling of joy is so refreshing and makes me feel like a kid again.  Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still gimping around on the sore foot and I have all the same aches and pains but I am still joyfull.

Janeen doing so well is a huge reason to rejoice, get happy and share that joy with others.  Having such an adorable little boy around all the time ain't to shabby either.  He always makes me laugh.  But what I thought had died in me I discovered today hasn't died at all.  It is still there and I'm excited for Halloween!!! To let go of all the worry and sadness I have lived and seen this year is enough. Seeing Janeen go out with her girfriends the other night ( she looked gorgeous ) filled me with joy.  Baby sitting Jack filled me with joy.  Getting ready for the holidays is filling me with joy.  I am sharing because I want all of you out there to stop and feel the joy of this very moment.  Annette where ever you are tonight look for some joy, it is there. I want to appoint myself your " joy mentor ".  I don't even know what that is but if it makes sense to you then I'm your girl.  Janeen is driving herself around, that makes me joyful. It means she is feling better and moving on like she did before.  I've had more family time lately in the past two months than I have had in 15 yrs, and that makes me joyful.  I could go on and on but I think you get it.  Find the joy in your life right now because if you don't you are missing out on the most important reason for living.  I'm going to nuture this feeling because it just feels so damn good.  I wish I could put how I feel tonight into a box, then tie a huge red bow on the box and then start handing them out to everyone whose path I cross. Please everyone, find your joy!

Good night and love to all.  Barb

Time To Get Back To Business

Never thought I'd be at week 6... But here I am. My energy level is still low, but as long as I get back to my old schedule, this too will improve. Doctor said 6-8 weeks and he is right on the money. I feel like all the working out I did before is out the window. I can't even raise my leg and straighten it. All my muscles are so tight. I will start the gym again soon and go SLOW. I did some errands today and had to adjust that bra and realized I didn't have it on. This is what I mean. I feel as if a wire bra has been implanted in me. I could have sworn a wire was poking me. Oh well. I even wore a pair of jeans today but I am completely numb so I always feel like there is some sort of waist band going around me. It's very odd. Again, this will be with me for 6+ months. As my swelling continues to go down, I can see what Dr. Granzow was now talking about...and that is...He said it's going to feel and resemble like I just got a new shirt (made of skin of course). And it won't fit quite right. But not to worry because then I will get it tailored (2nd surgery). I can already see where I'd like my alterations to be done. I wonder if they chalk me or pin me?

My thoughts are still with Annette. The fact that I'm so far along in my healing process yet it's still so fresh that each day I think of her, I can remember where I was; what I was feeling. My heart goes out to her and her family. I didn't want to talk to anyone really and those I did talk to I don't really remember. I just hope she's doing well.

Speaking about not remembering much, I found a list of the nurses that tended to me at St. john's on my iPad today. My mom didn't even get me my iPad or phone for a few days. I knew I wanted to write a letter to St. Johns for their exceptional care throughout this process and wanted to mention everyone involved. So apparently I started a list, titled it and all. That just shows you how bad anesthesia messes with your head. I think there are only 2 nurses that I could actually put a name to their face. The others, I simply have no recollection. Even my anesthesiologist....I have down as Lisa. I can't even give props to her because I don't know her name. So Dr. Lisa, you too did a great job.

I would love a back rub, especially at night. I still try to sleep on my side, sort of, with pillows around me, but what I really want to do is get on my stomach again. And this ain't happening anytime soon. I wonder how I'd get a massage, but I know that's wishful thinking now. And I want to stretch, but everythings been sewn and pulled so tight, I can't. I know in the long run this will be a good thing, but a great stretch would be awesome.

I'm seeing my girlfriends for the first time tomorrow night. I said there will be no water works, but now I'm not so sure. When tough times hit a person or family everybody has their own process and I really appreciate everyone respecting mine. And my mother lion has been uber protective of me, making sure I wasn't overwhelmed with visitors and/or contact with others. She lived this with me and she knows me best, so I thank you mom.

Then other night, Jack was behind me, walking back and forth on the couch. He leaned on my back and put his head on my right shoulder and said, "mommy, I love you.". That was a first. I love my boy so much.

Until next time.......with Love and Gratitude,

Janeen

OK, Here Are Some Pictures

This is the first day I got to come home.  It was day 9. 

I have some other home pics to share but I'm feeling conflicted.

Don't think I'll share right now.  Not yet ready.

 Here is Jack in the bathroom with 'Anni' one night.

She'd come over & help bathe him. Making sure he brushed his teeth.

This is the most recent from my last blog of us taking Jack to the

 Fire Station Open House in Irvine. He had so much fun.

And I SO enjoyed watching as did 'Anni.'

YES, I'm leaning down!!!

Also last weekend at a pumpkin patch with Mommy & Uncle D.

He's in a sea of pumpkins & had another fun day.

After the pumpkin patch Mom drove me to critical care to see my Sophie.

Doctor thought it was alright to bring her home.  She either had a stroke

or has vestibular disease. So she's a little off, but she's always been a lil off.

But I LOVE HER!!!!

And last, this is the result from her episode. She looks a bit regal or she can't

be bothered by the camera.  Her head is high; eyes pull down,

but she IS improving.  That's how we girls do it around here.

WE JUST GET THROUGH IT!!!

I'm going to try and be better at posting pictures about the things I'm actully blogging about at the time.  I've just had some computer issues and posting picture issues.  But I think it's all good now.  I've had a lot on my mind the past few days.  Kinda thinking about what I want to say next; things I was thinking about before surgery.  They're still in my head but no longer carry so much weight.  But I still think it's good to share.  I mean this has been and continues to be a journey.  So I may bounce back and forth, but I'm keeping it real.

Must go kiss all my babies now....XO, Janeen

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

I bet you never notice how much you sneeze until you try NOT to and blow your brains out. Sneezing, laughing, coughing...killer right now.

Was trying to post pictures today and it isn't working so all of you that are dying for photos you'll have to wait a bit longer. I know, the anticipation...

Annette is having her surgery tomorrow. I'll be praying for her and her family.

I find it so bizarre that major things happen to all of us; an accident, a surgery, a death, and you want to scream, "stop" to other people when they are going on with their day as if nothing has happened. It's like you want time to freeze, just briefly; just enough so you can breath. And yet LIFE continues on. That's why "time flies by." Cherish each day and don't forget to breath.

This is all I have tonight.

Janeen

P.S. On a lighter note, Mom asked that I put my titles in all caps because it looks nicer.

Happy Tuesday

Hi Everyone,

I spoke to Dr. Granzow today. After speaking to him I sort of feel like I have minimized in my writing all that these amazing doctors did to me and for me. I still don't totally understand myself. I won't try to explain anymore than I have but they are amazing, remarkable men who are so smart and talented. He was telling me some stories of other patients and people come from all over to see him because so few doctors do what he does. I'm so fortunate he was on my team. I mean he wasn't bragging he was just sharing some incidences. I was asking that if I were to fall or get into an accident, what would happen? He and Dr. Orringer both said that most likely my transplanted tissue would be fine. That it has made it's own blood supply now so even if I was "unhooked" from the transplanted blood vessels, I would be fine. But told me to be careful anyway. You hear that Jack? Pick up your cars and blocks!!!! I also told him that I have stitches poking out the sides of my incision. They are like fishing line. I need to cut those so they can dissolve. Since I don't think I can reach, with scissors, I'll need Mom to do this for me tomorrow. Altough most mothers do, I do not have eyes in the back of my head just yet. I'm happy that he's still on my team and he'll be apart of my future surgeries. One doctor, usually who you see first, takes the lead and in my case this is Dr. Orringer. Dr. Granzow and Orringers techniques are almost identical but a few tweaks here and there and this is why I think they compliment each other so well. Dr. Orringer is so humble and so complimentary to every person he works with, it's a such a pleasure to have no ego trips with my doctors. Again, I keep saying it but I'm so lucky. It was nice to talk to him today. And again all I'm feeling is normal and will be with me fo quite awhile, so no need to beat it to death.

I did a few errands this moring while Mom took Jack to swim class and I was exhausted. I don't get to nap everyday, but I look forward to it. Otherwise, dinner, bath time & getting Jack down can be extremely trying. I'm uusally pretty spent by 3-4pm.

And how's this for 6 degrees of separation. There was a woman who befriended me at Jacks swim school one day when I was having a melt down because I had just had an EUS done to check my pancreas (you know the pancreatic cancer risk) and at that time they took a biopsy. I woke up from this procedure hearing the nurses talking about having to take a biopsy. So of course I freaked and you have to wait for what feels like an eternity for test results. So I guess it was a panic attack that day and I slipped outside the swim school and she came out after me to talk as our kids were with their instructors. Well mom saw her today and she asked how I was doing.....turns out she's best friends with one of my cousins and both families just spent some time together in the desert. Bizarre.

Sophie is good today. Her neurological work up is set for Thursday. Her head is still held high and eyes are still flickering. She sort of wimpers when I leave the room. I find myself reassuring her that I'm here. I believe she's fine but she knows something is clearly different. She's a trooper. This little girl was at the pet shop for 3 months and I was NOT looking for another dog at all and that day I walked out with her. She was meant for me and I was meant for her.

Jacks says it's dinner time, just I must go. And I did get a nap today so I'm good to go now! Have a great night.

Love, Janeen