I've returned from a fabulous trip with my sister to Maui. Oh, how I needed last week. I did NOTHING!
The Art Of Doing Nothing is so profound. While I was relaxing and having fun, Janeen was home holding down the fort and finishing her pre-op appointments as well as her annual check ups needed to monitor her ovaries. She does bloodwork, ultrasounds and sonograms. She called me so upset as they found polyps in her uterus. This has nothing whatsoever to do with her BRCA 2 gene issue, it is a female issue anyone can get but her doctor says it has to be removed and the sooner the better.
Folks, while I was gone, Janeen's surgery was changed from February 16th in a hospital, to February 14th, ( Yep....Valentine's Day ) in a surgical center. The reason being, her doctor would have to rush the surgery in a hospital and he could take more time in a surgical center. HELLO ! Of course he is going to take his time and get it right. The 14th is this Tuesday....when do these doctor's think that polyp is coming out. So many changes need to be made. When a doctor changes direction, after care needs to be changed. child care, dog care for 4 dogs at two different residences, marketing. food providers, and all Valentine's Day plans cancelled. Janeen is a nervous Nelly and I don't blame her one bit. But, I'm home and rested and will take over all the changes and she is to relax until we leave for LA on Monday. Her surgery is now scheduled for 8:00 am and should last approximately 6 hrs. She will be transferred to Serenity House where she will stay monitored and I am able to stay in her room with her. Depending on how she handles this surgery determines when she will come home to my care. Hopefully, two days and I'll bring her home. I will keep you all posted via this blog.
I have to laugh...are you ready? Serenity House just called and asked me if Janeen and I were going to share the same bed. OMG!!!! I said NO. she gets her own bed I'll sleep on the couch. It's $350 extra a night for me to stay with her, I want my own rollaway.
Maui was very healing for me. My foot is not completely healed but I can walk and I am up for the challenge of caring for both Janeen and Jack. I flunked Valentine's Day so for all of you who usually receive a card or little something from me, I love you I simply ran out of days. Rejoice in the love you have for yourself and share that very love with all of those you come in contact with. I'll be thinking of you while waiting for Janeen to come out of surgery and please pray for my girl on this day that all goes well.
To all my Valentines......Ciao! Barb
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
ALOHA !
Well, Janeen is busy getting her doctor's appointments completed before her surgery. She needs to see Dr. Orringer for her pre-op and Dr. Cole for a blood draw and then it's a go. She is anxious about this surgery, she just wants it done and she is staying busy which is a good thing. I think her head is in a good place and I will be able to stay with her in her recovery house this time. No running back and forth from hotel to hospital to recovery house. I'm staying put right by her side.
She had Jack call me the last night, only for me to hear I was going to Milwaukee. I said, " I don't want to go to Milwaukee" and I could hear Janeen cracking up in the back ground. She took the phone and said, " no you are going to Maui"! She just booked me a week holiday before her surgery so I leave on Feb. 2nd and return on Feb. 9th. A quick trip but she wants me totally rested so I don't bail on her this time. My foot is better one day then it flares up again. My doctor told me to go to Westminister and go to a nail salon and find someone to rub my foot gently for an hour and try to stay off of it as he cannot laser it anymore for two weeks. I told him I'd rather go to Maui and have my feet rubbed, told Janeen this story and she booked it. So, I'm going ! I will sleep, swim, spa and read all with my foot elavated and oh, yes daily foot massage out by the pool. Sure hope it works cuz I'm going to be really busy when I bring Janeen home. Getting away does sound good but MILWAUKEE, YUCK ! Now Jack wants to go to Maui with me so I promised him we'd all go over for Thanksgiving. He got so excited and he has no idea where or what Maui is. We also might try Ulani ( Disney Property) on Ohau. It is just fun to once again think travel instead of doctors and surgeries. A family trip is long over due.
So this is the latest news, life is good for me and my little family.
Barb
She had Jack call me the last night, only for me to hear I was going to Milwaukee. I said, " I don't want to go to Milwaukee" and I could hear Janeen cracking up in the back ground. She took the phone and said, " no you are going to Maui"! She just booked me a week holiday before her surgery so I leave on Feb. 2nd and return on Feb. 9th. A quick trip but she wants me totally rested so I don't bail on her this time. My foot is better one day then it flares up again. My doctor told me to go to Westminister and go to a nail salon and find someone to rub my foot gently for an hour and try to stay off of it as he cannot laser it anymore for two weeks. I told him I'd rather go to Maui and have my feet rubbed, told Janeen this story and she booked it. So, I'm going ! I will sleep, swim, spa and read all with my foot elavated and oh, yes daily foot massage out by the pool. Sure hope it works cuz I'm going to be really busy when I bring Janeen home. Getting away does sound good but MILWAUKEE, YUCK ! Now Jack wants to go to Maui with me so I promised him we'd all go over for Thanksgiving. He got so excited and he has no idea where or what Maui is. We also might try Ulani ( Disney Property) on Ohau. It is just fun to once again think travel instead of doctors and surgeries. A family trip is long over due.
So this is the latest news, life is good for me and my little family.
Barb
Friday, January 13, 2012
Surgery #2
The date is set for Janeen's second surgery. That will be February 16, 2011. When I called Dr. Orringer's office I said the week of the 13th is looking good on this end. Ana Marie called late today after securing an operating room, and says " ok girls, it's a go for February 14th ". Janeen freaked and said " no I can't, I want to be here for Jack on Valentine's Day". So, she called the hospital and confirmed the 16th @ 5:00 a.m. JANEEEEEEEEEN!!!!! It's ok, she should be allowed to choose her own surgery date. I will send Ana Marie flowers and thank her for her understanding and patience. This surgery will complete the reconstruction of her new breasts and I am hopeful make Janeen feel better about her appearance. I have not made arrangements for the other accommodations but we will go up to Santa Monica the night before since her surgery is so early the next day. The surgery is expected to be anywhere from 4 to 6 hours and she will transfer to another facility that night and I will be able to stay with her. If all goes well, I can bring her home on the 17th. That's the plan.
Don't you want to hear about me? Well I'm getting ready. I'm in a wellness program where by I get Immune Deficieny drips (vitamins, glutathion (?), all he B's etc.) in an IV Mon., Tues., and Wed leading up tp her surgery. I found a laser that is helping my foot. Yes, I'm still lame and/or limping around going on 6 months. I have only had 2 treatments but I am seeing results FINALLY and I will start up again with that treatment next Tuesday. So I live at the clinic these days because I simply cannot disappear on Janeen again when she comes home. Jack is now in school two mornings a week, swimming one morning, and then his park playtime. I have spoken to a friend who is a caterer and she wants to take care of all meals and she gets no arguement from me. My sister and her husband will hold down things here while Janeen and I are in Santa Monica and get Jack from point A to point B on the proper day. I learned from last time I did not have enough back up plans in place. Who would of thought I would become lame. Let me just say, heel spurs and plantar fascitis really sucks. I've purchased and have been gifted 12 pairs of the ugliest shoes I've ever seen and I wear them. Once in a while one pair will bring me an hour or two of some pain relief. If any of you reading this comes down with my medical problem, please call me, I know where to send you.
I will do my best to keep the blog up dated and any comments I will be able to access for Janeen from my little arsenal of electronics.
In my heart I hold you all very dear, just knowing so many people care is so comforting. My weeks ahead and Janeen's are filled with doctor's appointments. I go to hers, she goes with me to mine. We're like peas and carrots. If you don't hear from us check the blog and just know we love you, we are just very busy coordinating everything. Jack just goes with the flow. I guess you could say we are like peas, carrots & carrot!
Barb
Don't you want to hear about me? Well I'm getting ready. I'm in a wellness program where by I get Immune Deficieny drips (vitamins, glutathion (?), all he B's etc.) in an IV Mon., Tues., and Wed leading up tp her surgery. I found a laser that is helping my foot. Yes, I'm still lame and/or limping around going on 6 months. I have only had 2 treatments but I am seeing results FINALLY and I will start up again with that treatment next Tuesday. So I live at the clinic these days because I simply cannot disappear on Janeen again when she comes home. Jack is now in school two mornings a week, swimming one morning, and then his park playtime. I have spoken to a friend who is a caterer and she wants to take care of all meals and she gets no arguement from me. My sister and her husband will hold down things here while Janeen and I are in Santa Monica and get Jack from point A to point B on the proper day. I learned from last time I did not have enough back up plans in place. Who would of thought I would become lame. Let me just say, heel spurs and plantar fascitis really sucks. I've purchased and have been gifted 12 pairs of the ugliest shoes I've ever seen and I wear them. Once in a while one pair will bring me an hour or two of some pain relief. If any of you reading this comes down with my medical problem, please call me, I know where to send you.
I will do my best to keep the blog up dated and any comments I will be able to access for Janeen from my little arsenal of electronics.
In my heart I hold you all very dear, just knowing so many people care is so comforting. My weeks ahead and Janeen's are filled with doctor's appointments. I go to hers, she goes with me to mine. We're like peas and carrots. If you don't hear from us check the blog and just know we love you, we are just very busy coordinating everything. Jack just goes with the flow. I guess you could say we are like peas, carrots & carrot!
Barb
Monday, January 9, 2012
Happy New Year and A Little Venting
Happy New Year Everyone. As I kick off this new year with my next surgery looming, I have realized that there are still people that don't really get what I have done so far, or why. I get these inquisitive looks like, "why are you having another surgery?" So I'm not going to sugar coat this, but here is some clarification.
NO, I did NOT have cancer. I have a glitch in my DNA, something I was born with and will have until the day I die, called BRCA2. Please know I have done my research and again what I tried to do, as a single mother, was beat cancer to the punch. Do all people with a positive gene mutation for BRCA get cancer? NO. But the percentages are so low, around 5%, I was not willing to take that gamble. I'm sure it's difficult to understand why someone would make the decision to remove two rather healthy breasts. Whether one has a cancer diagnosis or has a 95% chance of getting cancer, the decision to have a bilateral mastectomy is daunting. It's one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. But a change of diet, or increase in exercise does NOT get rid of this gene. Nor does chemotherapy or radiation. Nothing gets rid of this gene. It's apart of me and also makes me susceptible to other cancers including breast and ovarian.
So I had my healthy breasts removed last September. I do not have implants or expanders. My surgery was so long, over 18 hours, because I chose a DIEP flap for my immediate reconstruction. If you want to know further about this, google it or read the September posts where both me and my mom have tried to explain this procedure. I used my own tissue and blood vessels as a transplant. Another huge decision that I'm sure most do not understand. Especially now in the news with a certain TV personality that chose to have a bilateral mastectomy and her surgery was something like 4 hours. Some have said to me that maybe my surgery was extreme or unwarranted. I will not beat this dead horse. I know what I did and why I did it. I know what my options were and I too had the choice of the shorter surgery, but I chose to have the DIEP flap. The last few months, I have had my surgery compared to others breasts augmentations, tummy tucks, C-Sections, tumors, and scar tissue removal. My medical history includes cosmetic surgery, an appendectomy, C-Section (after carrying around a 10 lb baby), and over 100 skin biopsies, some being basel cells and one melanoma. I know surgery, I know pain and nothing I have had done compares to a mastectomy. I would never tell a person who's had their chest cracked open for heart surgery that I know what it feels like or I know what they went through, so unless you've walked in my shoes, you really have no idea.
For anybody reading this that is looking at a BRCA diagnosis and is scared to death, please know that you can do this. I don't have a husband to carry me in and out of bed or assist me with my seat belt. In fact I was taking care of my son about a week and 1/2 after surgery because I had to. I'm no superwoman and I'm not saying this to get any brownie points from anybody. I'm just here to tell you that it's very possible to save your life and get back to life. I'm not going to lie. It hurts like a motherf-er. The pain in the beginning is almost unbearable. ALMOST. And then with time you move on. The emotional toll is almost more difficult than the physical. It all sucks no matter what! But you too can do it! In the big picture it is about saving your life.
My next surgery is all about "fixing" me and making nipples. I've actually had a few people tell me nipples are over-rated. Like my friend said, "I don't care if I'm 80, I want my nipples." I couldn't agree more. I'm 42 years old. I want breasts and nipples and to resemble what a woman looks like and I don't believe this is superficial at all.
I still have a long year ahead of me. I knew none of this would come easy for me. I knew this change I have talked about was going to take work but I'm a stubborn bull and change does not come easy for me. I can't help but being pissed off and sad and a whole lot of other emotions. I know one day I will look back at this experience and it will be a distant memory, but for now it's real. This is my life, with everything else going on and trust me, there are more days than not that I feel like I have failed in some way. So I take to my self-help books, favorite quotes and prayer.
Some favorites: "The old has to die so that the new growth can come through. You have to let go of what was to awaken anew." (Letting go..still trying).
"You may not be able to see why life has gone the way it has, just listen and the answer will come, when you are ready." (I really want to be ready).
"Someday life will make perfect sense, so laugh through the confusion, smile through the tears and remember everything happens for a reason." (This too shall pass).
"Attitude is vastly important, because it presents your image to the world and is the driving force behind behavior." (When you can't change your situation, change your ATTITUDE).
And last..."The scars of life tell a story of your ability to overcome adversity, knowing this, you know what lies ahead is achievable." (I AM a strong woman).
Happy 2012. May you be happy and HEALTHY,
Janeen
NO, I did NOT have cancer. I have a glitch in my DNA, something I was born with and will have until the day I die, called BRCA2. Please know I have done my research and again what I tried to do, as a single mother, was beat cancer to the punch. Do all people with a positive gene mutation for BRCA get cancer? NO. But the percentages are so low, around 5%, I was not willing to take that gamble. I'm sure it's difficult to understand why someone would make the decision to remove two rather healthy breasts. Whether one has a cancer diagnosis or has a 95% chance of getting cancer, the decision to have a bilateral mastectomy is daunting. It's one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. But a change of diet, or increase in exercise does NOT get rid of this gene. Nor does chemotherapy or radiation. Nothing gets rid of this gene. It's apart of me and also makes me susceptible to other cancers including breast and ovarian.
So I had my healthy breasts removed last September. I do not have implants or expanders. My surgery was so long, over 18 hours, because I chose a DIEP flap for my immediate reconstruction. If you want to know further about this, google it or read the September posts where both me and my mom have tried to explain this procedure. I used my own tissue and blood vessels as a transplant. Another huge decision that I'm sure most do not understand. Especially now in the news with a certain TV personality that chose to have a bilateral mastectomy and her surgery was something like 4 hours. Some have said to me that maybe my surgery was extreme or unwarranted. I will not beat this dead horse. I know what I did and why I did it. I know what my options were and I too had the choice of the shorter surgery, but I chose to have the DIEP flap. The last few months, I have had my surgery compared to others breasts augmentations, tummy tucks, C-Sections, tumors, and scar tissue removal. My medical history includes cosmetic surgery, an appendectomy, C-Section (after carrying around a 10 lb baby), and over 100 skin biopsies, some being basel cells and one melanoma. I know surgery, I know pain and nothing I have had done compares to a mastectomy. I would never tell a person who's had their chest cracked open for heart surgery that I know what it feels like or I know what they went through, so unless you've walked in my shoes, you really have no idea.
For anybody reading this that is looking at a BRCA diagnosis and is scared to death, please know that you can do this. I don't have a husband to carry me in and out of bed or assist me with my seat belt. In fact I was taking care of my son about a week and 1/2 after surgery because I had to. I'm no superwoman and I'm not saying this to get any brownie points from anybody. I'm just here to tell you that it's very possible to save your life and get back to life. I'm not going to lie. It hurts like a motherf-er. The pain in the beginning is almost unbearable. ALMOST. And then with time you move on. The emotional toll is almost more difficult than the physical. It all sucks no matter what! But you too can do it! In the big picture it is about saving your life.
My next surgery is all about "fixing" me and making nipples. I've actually had a few people tell me nipples are over-rated. Like my friend said, "I don't care if I'm 80, I want my nipples." I couldn't agree more. I'm 42 years old. I want breasts and nipples and to resemble what a woman looks like and I don't believe this is superficial at all.
I still have a long year ahead of me. I knew none of this would come easy for me. I knew this change I have talked about was going to take work but I'm a stubborn bull and change does not come easy for me. I can't help but being pissed off and sad and a whole lot of other emotions. I know one day I will look back at this experience and it will be a distant memory, but for now it's real. This is my life, with everything else going on and trust me, there are more days than not that I feel like I have failed in some way. So I take to my self-help books, favorite quotes and prayer.
Some favorites: "The old has to die so that the new growth can come through. You have to let go of what was to awaken anew." (Letting go..still trying).
"You may not be able to see why life has gone the way it has, just listen and the answer will come, when you are ready." (I really want to be ready).
"Someday life will make perfect sense, so laugh through the confusion, smile through the tears and remember everything happens for a reason." (This too shall pass).
"Attitude is vastly important, because it presents your image to the world and is the driving force behind behavior." (When you can't change your situation, change your ATTITUDE).
And last..."The scars of life tell a story of your ability to overcome adversity, knowing this, you know what lies ahead is achievable." (I AM a strong woman).
Happy 2012. May you be happy and HEALTHY,
Janeen
Friday, January 6, 2012
Christmas Pictures 2011
A few Christmas pictures.
Our dinner table...
Santa came to Anni's house and brought
Jack his very own Escalade.
Jack asked for a car and a guitar.
Here he is with his new guitar.
We had a blessed holiday and Jack, even though he didn't feel well,
had a wonderful Christmas.
Best wishes to you all for 2012.
Love, Barb
Saturday, December 31, 2011
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Wow, what a Christmas we had this year. Baby Nack was a little under the weather but he rallied and enjoyed himself with family and.....Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus! Yep, Santa showed up at my house Christmas Eve early, the adults had just started eating, so Baby Nack entertained Santa and the Mrs. while we finished our dinner. It really was very funny as we knew they probably didn't understand a thing he said. I don't know how to drop in pictures so I will leave that for Janeen to share, but we took over 400 pictures that night. NO, you don't need to look at all of them but we did get some keepers.
There was so much joy. So many reasons to rejoice and celebrate the birth of Christ. We were on a tight schedule due to mass being at 9:00 p.m. so we let Jack open his gifts from Santa and off to church we went. He was tired and mass started....and after the opening prayer the congregation says " Amen ". The priest goes over to sit down, you could hear a pin drop and Jack yells out, " aMEN". The whole church started laughing and Jack was removed to the children's quiet room. Christmas mass is always my favorite part of Christmas Eve since I was a child, so sitting in church that night my 2011 Christmas Eve was completed and it was a huge accomplishment. All the work gone in to making the house a Christmas wonderland was worth it. Christmas morning we went to Janeen's. Jack was still not feeling very good but again he rallied until finally he said, " mommy, to much". He was done opening presents and I don't blame him. It was way to much, note to self and all family members. Grandmoe, BoBo, Uncle D and myself went our merry ways only to gather once again Christmas night at Darren's house. You guessed it, more gifts to open and again Jack said, " Anni, to much ". All the Christmas pit stops looked amazing and the food delicious but over kill on the gift giving for Baby Nack. Donations will be made this week to children less fortunate.
I wish to thank all of you who remembered us in your own special way and tell you that I love you and wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I also ask please continue praying for Janeen. The start of the new year also means to us, another surgery is that much closer. Maybe, if you find a spare moment you'll pray my damn foot will heal so I can take care of Janeen and Jack. I'll keep you posted once the ball is in motion again. Til then, stay healthy, happy and help somebody in need. Great way to start a new year.
Love to all,
Barb
There was so much joy. So many reasons to rejoice and celebrate the birth of Christ. We were on a tight schedule due to mass being at 9:00 p.m. so we let Jack open his gifts from Santa and off to church we went. He was tired and mass started....and after the opening prayer the congregation says " Amen ". The priest goes over to sit down, you could hear a pin drop and Jack yells out, " aMEN". The whole church started laughing and Jack was removed to the children's quiet room. Christmas mass is always my favorite part of Christmas Eve since I was a child, so sitting in church that night my 2011 Christmas Eve was completed and it was a huge accomplishment. All the work gone in to making the house a Christmas wonderland was worth it. Christmas morning we went to Janeen's. Jack was still not feeling very good but again he rallied until finally he said, " mommy, to much". He was done opening presents and I don't blame him. It was way to much, note to self and all family members. Grandmoe, BoBo, Uncle D and myself went our merry ways only to gather once again Christmas night at Darren's house. You guessed it, more gifts to open and again Jack said, " Anni, to much ". All the Christmas pit stops looked amazing and the food delicious but over kill on the gift giving for Baby Nack. Donations will be made this week to children less fortunate.
I wish to thank all of you who remembered us in your own special way and tell you that I love you and wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I also ask please continue praying for Janeen. The start of the new year also means to us, another surgery is that much closer. Maybe, if you find a spare moment you'll pray my damn foot will heal so I can take care of Janeen and Jack. I'll keep you posted once the ball is in motion again. Til then, stay healthy, happy and help somebody in need. Great way to start a new year.
Love to all,
Barb
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Merry Almost Christmas
Good Evening Everyone,
I had a lovely dinner tonight with my friends and Jack is spending the night at Anni's house. I ordered Christmas cards this year and got caught in the companies printing and shipping errors....so I intend to get them out as soon as I receive them. Perhaps it'll be by New Year's. But here are the pictures I chose in case you don't get our card.
Me and my baby doing pretty good after a trying few months.
I've been feeling better. I know this situation has been more mentally challenging for me than physically. The return to the gym has been helpful. I am sleeping better. Still not as many hours as I would like but at this point I'll take anything. I was pretty exhausted there for awhile. I know I've been short and snappy with people and I don't mean to be. There's no excuse. I need to check myself. I've been surrounded by constant love and I let my pissy mood get in the way of this. It's just my anxiety is already on high alert. As much as I'd like to change, it's very hard to turn around my reactive behavior in just a few months. Again, I seem to be consumed by what lies ahead.
Last week, my Mom made me two acupuncture appointments and they did seem to help. I got a terrible pain in my left hand then it travelled to my left ribs, then this explosion around my left ovary area. I believe in alternative medicine and I do respond to acupuncture and why I didn't think of it before, I don't know. I actually made an appointment for mom for her feet and she turned around and made my appoinments. We always want to fix each other. Also very interesting, my right forearm for days has been very itchy. I feel like I have an ant crawling on my arm or something is touching me. I told my acupucturist and she said that area correlates to the breast area. Uh, hello. It's better now. Cannot have another treatment until after the holidays, so I'll give it another go after the first of the year.
I know what has me all pissy and that's the other surgeries. I'm NOT ready to turn into an old lady. I'm just 42. I don't want this. I don't want to continue with the partial hysterectomy. Since my next breast surgery will probably be in February, I will go ahead and get another CA-125 and ultrasound around the same time and buy myself a few more months. As long as everything is still OK. The CA-125 can throw off false positives for ovarian cancer but it's the best marker they have right now. I've been able to solely focus on the north of me, I haven't had to think about the south. But this fricking ugly gene I have gives me no choice. Oh, F-U BRCA!
My son continues to ask to see my scars for himself rather than take my word for it that I still have boo-boos. He likes to say, "come here little....(whatever)" so I had taken a shower the other night and we were on my bed. He said, "Mommy all better?" I sort of hem-ha around and he said, "I like to see." So I showed him that all the red lines are my boo-boos and he cannot charge at me like a bull. So he cups his hand and says, "Come here little boobies." I said, "Well they aren't going to come to you." And then he said, "Oh Mommy, they're so cute."
God comes to us in many forms. Maybe it takes a 2 year old to convince me it's going to be alright? My mom has sure been trying. Her love and support is unwaivering. She's around me and continues to support me even when I think she's had enough. She's amazed at my progress and how I look. As for my son, his humor and love definitely keep me laughing. He has been my greatest gift. The joy he brings to everyone is the best present. It's time to sit back and enjoy. Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!
With Love, Janeen & Jack
I had a lovely dinner tonight with my friends and Jack is spending the night at Anni's house. I ordered Christmas cards this year and got caught in the companies printing and shipping errors....so I intend to get them out as soon as I receive them. Perhaps it'll be by New Year's. But here are the pictures I chose in case you don't get our card.
Me and my baby doing pretty good after a trying few months.
Last week, my Mom made me two acupuncture appointments and they did seem to help. I got a terrible pain in my left hand then it travelled to my left ribs, then this explosion around my left ovary area. I believe in alternative medicine and I do respond to acupuncture and why I didn't think of it before, I don't know. I actually made an appointment for mom for her feet and she turned around and made my appoinments. We always want to fix each other. Also very interesting, my right forearm for days has been very itchy. I feel like I have an ant crawling on my arm or something is touching me. I told my acupucturist and she said that area correlates to the breast area. Uh, hello. It's better now. Cannot have another treatment until after the holidays, so I'll give it another go after the first of the year.
I know what has me all pissy and that's the other surgeries. I'm NOT ready to turn into an old lady. I'm just 42. I don't want this. I don't want to continue with the partial hysterectomy. Since my next breast surgery will probably be in February, I will go ahead and get another CA-125 and ultrasound around the same time and buy myself a few more months. As long as everything is still OK. The CA-125 can throw off false positives for ovarian cancer but it's the best marker they have right now. I've been able to solely focus on the north of me, I haven't had to think about the south. But this fricking ugly gene I have gives me no choice. Oh, F-U BRCA!
My son continues to ask to see my scars for himself rather than take my word for it that I still have boo-boos. He likes to say, "come here little....(whatever)" so I had taken a shower the other night and we were on my bed. He said, "Mommy all better?" I sort of hem-ha around and he said, "I like to see." So I showed him that all the red lines are my boo-boos and he cannot charge at me like a bull. So he cups his hand and says, "Come here little boobies." I said, "Well they aren't going to come to you." And then he said, "Oh Mommy, they're so cute."
God comes to us in many forms. Maybe it takes a 2 year old to convince me it's going to be alright? My mom has sure been trying. Her love and support is unwaivering. She's around me and continues to support me even when I think she's had enough. She's amazed at my progress and how I look. As for my son, his humor and love definitely keep me laughing. He has been my greatest gift. The joy he brings to everyone is the best present. It's time to sit back and enjoy. Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!
With Love, Janeen & Jack
Friday, December 9, 2011
Hi Again: Here's An Update...
This is a twenty-something me with my girl in Florence.
Remembering my Bellarose today. She passed away 12/9/2006 from cancer when she was 13 years old.
I miss my Bella. We'll always have Italy.
December 9, 2011
I never knew back then how my life would unfold. None of us do really. Some people say that's half the fun. My road travelled thus far has been full of many blessing, set backs, heartache, love and self discovery. I always have considered myself a work in progress.
I've had a few emotional weeks and a lot of sleepless nights, which doesn't help. But I did start back at the gym and I'm hoping it will help my mood and my sleep. I applaud those that can recover and just get on with it. I seem to do OK, then I stummble and I find that I just have to cry when I want to cry. A TV personality has decided to have a bilateral mastectomy to eradicate her cancer and in an article regarding her story someone wrote, "that woman tend to bounce back rather quickly after a mastectomy." Guess I didn't get that memo when I left the hospital.
I can't believe the holidays are here. I thought we were going to have a low-key Christmas but Mom's been decorating her house since Thanksgiving and it's all for a little guy we all know and LOVE. You see awhile ago he just broke out in song. He started with "tinkle-tinkle little star" then "itsy-bitsy-spider" so I started singing Christmas songs to the boy and he hasn't let up. We sing Christmas songs every night. For this, Mom thought that Jack, only two, "gets it" and so he needed a winter wonderland. So if any of you are in the area, stop over to Mom's house and check it out. Jack LOVES it and told his Anni, "Thank you Anni. This is all for me and it's all brand-spankin new." No joke, his words!
At our house I did my standard Charlie Brown tree, which turned out lovely, but my aunt had an 8 foot tree delivered to the house a few days ago. I knew it was coming and I swore Jack didn't need another tree. Wrong again! Anni stayed over Thursday night while I got my hair done (long overdue) and decorated this tree with Jack. When I got home I walked in to see the happiest little boy. The tree is beautiful and Jack couldn't be more excited. Holidays are for children. They really do bring out the best in all of us. You see a child with pure joy on there face.....it's heaven. Thank you Mom for making our houses so beautiful!!!
Jack seeing Anni's house for the first time.
Jack's BIG tree.
Thanks again everyone for continuing to check in with me and my family.
Mom, please rest now and just enjoy all that you have done.
Peace and Love,
Janeen
Monday, November 28, 2011
God's Answer
God only gives three answers to prayers.
1.) Yes
2.) Not Yet
And
3.) I have something better in mind.
Janeen
1.) Yes
2.) Not Yet
And
3.) I have something better in mind.
Janeen
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving
I had Mom over for dinner tonight. We ate at my decorated Thanksgiving table even though we will not be here at my house for Thanksgiving Day. As thankful as I am, I am also quite anxious for the holidays and I feel like I need to get rid of all the fall and make my house into some sort of winter wonderland now. I will be putting up my Charlie Brown tree, but my Mom and Aunt have other plans...I am leaving all of those details to them.
Is it a good thing that I have lost track of what week I'm at now? I'm absolutely feeling better, but I find myself at times still not believing that I have had a double mastectomy. I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off just yet. It's difficult to feel real feminine. And the fact that I wore an old pair of maternity sweatpants the other day doesn't help with feeling so feminine, but they are so comfortable. I have a new body, clothes fit differently and pieces of me will continue to change so it's all very weird. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but this has been a theme in my life. Just taking it all in. One day at a time. My boobs will not define me, but taking someone like me, who's always had body issues and then this happens......light bulb moment here....God's life lesson for me: acceptance. When I feel myself drifting away from my lessons and getting stuck in the absurd, I have to reel myself in and remind myself that I have been given this opportunity; this gift. I have had a physical change but I still think I got slammed in the face with a huge life lesson. When you can't change your situation, you gotta change your attitude. This isn't about the physical; it's all mental. I have to practice what I'm writing here. I get caught up in the physical because it's what we all see. Why do I get sucked into that 1% thinking? This is all we perceive with our five senses. On the other side of that curtain is the 99%. Nothing happens suddenly. Note to self: we are all more than our physical being.
Thanks for listening once again. I wish everybody a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for you all.
Bless you,
Janeen
Is it a good thing that I have lost track of what week I'm at now? I'm absolutely feeling better, but I find myself at times still not believing that I have had a double mastectomy. I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off just yet. It's difficult to feel real feminine. And the fact that I wore an old pair of maternity sweatpants the other day doesn't help with feeling so feminine, but they are so comfortable. I have a new body, clothes fit differently and pieces of me will continue to change so it's all very weird. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but this has been a theme in my life. Just taking it all in. One day at a time. My boobs will not define me, but taking someone like me, who's always had body issues and then this happens......light bulb moment here....God's life lesson for me: acceptance. When I feel myself drifting away from my lessons and getting stuck in the absurd, I have to reel myself in and remind myself that I have been given this opportunity; this gift. I have had a physical change but I still think I got slammed in the face with a huge life lesson. When you can't change your situation, you gotta change your attitude. This isn't about the physical; it's all mental. I have to practice what I'm writing here. I get caught up in the physical because it's what we all see. Why do I get sucked into that 1% thinking? This is all we perceive with our five senses. On the other side of that curtain is the 99%. Nothing happens suddenly. Note to self: we are all more than our physical being.
Thanks for listening once again. I wish everybody a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for you all.
Bless you,
Janeen
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