Awakening

Last evening around 11:00 PM I just had this feeling to call Janeen.  When she picked up I could tell by her voice she had been crying.  We started talking and the timid voice on the other end turned into sobs. So I started crying because it breaks my heart hearing how scared she is.  She said she thinks I expect her to be all perky and happy and that couldn't be any further from the truth. I can only hear how scared she is so many times and the helplessness I feel is what is devastating me.

I went to the Wellness Institute today for acupuncture.  I went into my little room and when Dr. Weissler walked in and asked how I was doing I broke into tears.  She knows Janeen and she is aware of what is about to happen.  She is opposed to Janeen's decision for surgery by the way, but she was so helpful to me today.  She said that I am trying so hard to help Janeen and instill in her mind my faith that I have depleted the very core of me, and I need to let Janeen come to her own means of coping, and I must come back and put  my focus on me.  So many of you have told me to take care of myself and I thought I was.  I am not afraid for Janeen.  I wish I could have the surgery for her and that is ridiculous but I would if I could. I truly believe she is in the best hands and all will turn out fine.  I realized, in that little acupuncture room I am afraid for me.  I am afraid my legs won't get me from point A to point B.  I'm afraid my back will go out and then I'm up there completely useless and bedridden.  I'm afraid of sleep deprivation and my fybro will flare up and then what do I do?  The needles were placed on my body, the music was turned on and the lights dimmed. The tears just flowed and I fell asleep.  I left that treatment a little wiser than when I went in.  I have figured all of these things out before and God has never let me down.  I want him to be there for her (and He will) but I also need Him for me.  I haven't been practising what I'm preaching to Janeen and that's the big wall that has come between us now.  We're both scared to death for ourselves and I can't recall a time in our lives that this has been the case.  So, if Janeen is unable to pull her big girl pants on I'm pulling mine on right now. I'm going to hang on to His hand starting now.  My troubles are going on a platter and I am handing them over to Him.  I'm going to put a smile on my face even though Janeen is not able to and enjoy tonight, and tomorrow and the next day.  I'm going to be strong and I will take what comes my way one minute at a time.

WOW!! what a day....I am woman hear me roar.  (Remember Helen Reddy?)  I have vented and now good night.

Barb