My check up last week went well and I sort of "graduated" as I do not have to go back now for 8 weeks. Apparently next is the tattooing. But again my scars look so red and fresh that I cannot image even putting a needle to them in 8 weeks. Not that I have an ounce of feeling, but it just looks too new, like I need more healing. So things are shrinking but of course the right side is way down because the graft oozed it's way out. Again, I have to keep my nipple protectors on, aka my donuts, and I will really try to be diligent for the next several months. I did get the OK to get back to the gym. For me this means swimming but I still haven't found a suit to accommodate the donuts and pads and I cannot have anything cling to me....so how do I do this in water? Still working on it. I've been sedentary for so long now any tone I thought I had is pretty much gone. Tough to get toned; easy to get flabby. My skin still feels quite foreign and tight and I itch like crazy, but I cannot get to the itch. It's internal and I scratch like I'm clawing myself and I can't get it. It's so frustrating as it can wake me up out of a sleep or can keep me up for hours. I know, I know....time!
Regarding my blog, I continue with this for various reasons. For friends and family to stay apprised of my progress because individual emails and calls can be tough to say the same thing over and over. And then I see the numbers climb so individuals besides family seem to be reading this, which I do have linked with my twitter account, so perhaps I have a few strangers reading about my journey. If you are one of these people and facing a similar challenge, I hope you can see that I am trying to remain true to myself and speak my truth. This hasn't been easy at all but if I can do this, I would like to know you can too. Lastly, I blog for me. Sometimes it's like my journal. I don't think I will ever forget this experience but I also don't want to forget the details. When I go back and look at entries early on, it's quite emotional and cathartic for me. I want to always remember but want to make sure this does not become a badge for me. You know, just one more thing for me to hang my hat on. We've all been dealt very difficult blows in life but what defines us? Who would you be without your story of pain? Sometimes I feel like it's all consuming for me, whether it be childhood/adolescent experiences that as a result I chose to check out from living and just existed for years. Then I had my baby and it's like I saw things through fresh eyes once again. Colors were brighter, smells were sweeter, sounds became melodic. My son changed my life for the better. Everything my mom ever said to me finally made sense. Struggles and adversity washed away and I discoveed a newfound happiness. Then this all hit me. Why? I keep saying, "what's the lesson?" I think I know it...deep down. For so long I wanted my doctors to play God and give me definitive time lines that cancer would appear. I was pissed off that this was NOT my plan. I have felt completely broken through this process but I still hold on to the notion that I am in control here. And yet what is this blog called....Janeen's Journey As Designed By GOD. I have no control over any of this. How can I be so grateful and bitter at the same time? I can't...the two do not go together. I also feel conflicted because if I have faith then why am I still so scared? I find weakness in "letting go." If I let this go and just be, then I have to let everything else go. I believe I must go through this to become the person God has intended for me to be. Pain is pain, it's just how we each decide to deal with it. My scars, I could really care less about, but it's certainly a daily reminder. So I guess I will continue to blog if for nobody else, me. And I will continue to heal both physically and emotionally. I may have said most of this before but again, it's my reminder.
Again here are some great quotes to end on tonight:
@Oprah_World: There is a lesson in almost everything that you do, and getting the lesson is how you move forward. It is how you enrich your spirit.
@JulieFrancella: Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger...but you will still have to make the effort to shift your thinking and embrace the struggle.
@JamesVanPraagh: Happy am I, healthy am I, holy am I. Let these words sink into your mind and heart.
And so it is.......Janeen
Monday, March 26, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
My Angels
My "glitch" was stitched back up again and another round of antibiotics. I'll refrain from details because it's rather gross. I cried all the way to the doctor Monday and cried most of the way home. I was thinking of other strong women in my life.
My mom and I have both had a melanoma. Mom had what we thought was another melanoma on the inside of her heel years ago, which obviously isn't good. Melanoma is a beyond a horrible cancer. I was terrified. Mom was the calming force as she always is and so when I heard the doctor say "possible amputation" I almost passed out. She said, "Oh I guess I forgot to tell you they mentioned that." You can only dig out so much of the foot before you no longer have a foot. We were blessed to have a doctor that slowed everything down and insisted her tumor be biopsied at various hospitals across the country. Her tumor was a schwannoma which can look like a melanoma initially. A schwannoma can grow on the nerve sheath and can strangle it, resulting in floppy foot. Because of other health factors mom's tumor was removed and healed from the inside out. The wound was so large a tennis ball could fit in there. While mom still has her foot she was wheelchair bound for over 3 months and to this day still has severe foot and heal pain. She's thrown out her Prada shoes for TOM's and flip flops. She's in pain, I think, everyday all day. She hides it very well. She's not a complainer at all. She just gets on with it; whatever "it" is. She has survived many challenges.
Next, I have a childhood friend who was her mother's caretaker as she was dying from cancer. In addition to this daunting task, she was continuing her education and even dated and ultimately found her husband. Her mother was able to marry them in a beautiful and touching ceremony, but didn't live long enough to meet her grandson. Although I believe Rosa met Gabe long before Jessica ever did. I don't know how she handled any of this, but she did it with such grace and love. I respect her greatly.
I have another friend and former neighbor who is currently living with her cancer; 4 years now. She said she would not let her cancer run her life and while it has made a tremendous impact on her life, she has continued to travel, when possible, continued with her book club, walks her beloved dog, although not as far as she used to, and even exercises when she has the energy. She looks great and we laugh because one pet peeve is when people tell you how great you look when you feel like shit! There are days when I see her walking and I'm like damn....You would never know what she's been through. She's living.
Another neighbor is a 4 year breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed when her kids were younger and she found great comfort with her beloved dog Leo who is no longer here; Leo is now at Rainbow Bridge. Mom would leave a little something at her door or send a random card to let her know she was thinking and prayer for her and her family. Karin would call to say thank you and you could hear how much pain she was in on any particular day from a chemo treatment. She lost her hair but still looked beautiful. I remember one night when us three girls went bowling and just had girl talk...no cancer.
After I got home from the hospital in September my aunt, also a breast cancer survivor, had her friend and manicurist come over to give me a mani and pedi. This woman survived a brain aneurysm. Something she should NOT have survived. She had brain surgery. She told me her story. She held my hand and prayed with me. She says she's not sure why she survived. But it's clear...she survived so she could help others. Not only making woman with cancer is the hospital or hospice to look and feel beautiful with some TLC of a manicure and pedicure, but to pray and offer words of wisdom and hope.
So, Mom, Jessica, Bonnie, Karin and Rae.....all of my angels in disguise, I think of you all more than you could possibly know. I pull from your strength and when I think of your stories, I feel that mine pales in comparison. I want to run around and enjoy my son and watch him grow. I want to laugh again so hard that my stomach hurts. I want to have enough distance that my bitterness simply fades away. God puts angels in our path everyday.....thank you my angels.
With Gratitude, Janeen
My mom and I have both had a melanoma. Mom had what we thought was another melanoma on the inside of her heel years ago, which obviously isn't good. Melanoma is a beyond a horrible cancer. I was terrified. Mom was the calming force as she always is and so when I heard the doctor say "possible amputation" I almost passed out. She said, "Oh I guess I forgot to tell you they mentioned that." You can only dig out so much of the foot before you no longer have a foot. We were blessed to have a doctor that slowed everything down and insisted her tumor be biopsied at various hospitals across the country. Her tumor was a schwannoma which can look like a melanoma initially. A schwannoma can grow on the nerve sheath and can strangle it, resulting in floppy foot. Because of other health factors mom's tumor was removed and healed from the inside out. The wound was so large a tennis ball could fit in there. While mom still has her foot she was wheelchair bound for over 3 months and to this day still has severe foot and heal pain. She's thrown out her Prada shoes for TOM's and flip flops. She's in pain, I think, everyday all day. She hides it very well. She's not a complainer at all. She just gets on with it; whatever "it" is. She has survived many challenges.
Next, I have a childhood friend who was her mother's caretaker as she was dying from cancer. In addition to this daunting task, she was continuing her education and even dated and ultimately found her husband. Her mother was able to marry them in a beautiful and touching ceremony, but didn't live long enough to meet her grandson. Although I believe Rosa met Gabe long before Jessica ever did. I don't know how she handled any of this, but she did it with such grace and love. I respect her greatly.
I have another friend and former neighbor who is currently living with her cancer; 4 years now. She said she would not let her cancer run her life and while it has made a tremendous impact on her life, she has continued to travel, when possible, continued with her book club, walks her beloved dog, although not as far as she used to, and even exercises when she has the energy. She looks great and we laugh because one pet peeve is when people tell you how great you look when you feel like shit! There are days when I see her walking and I'm like damn....You would never know what she's been through. She's living.
Another neighbor is a 4 year breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed when her kids were younger and she found great comfort with her beloved dog Leo who is no longer here; Leo is now at Rainbow Bridge. Mom would leave a little something at her door or send a random card to let her know she was thinking and prayer for her and her family. Karin would call to say thank you and you could hear how much pain she was in on any particular day from a chemo treatment. She lost her hair but still looked beautiful. I remember one night when us three girls went bowling and just had girl talk...no cancer.
After I got home from the hospital in September my aunt, also a breast cancer survivor, had her friend and manicurist come over to give me a mani and pedi. This woman survived a brain aneurysm. Something she should NOT have survived. She had brain surgery. She told me her story. She held my hand and prayed with me. She says she's not sure why she survived. But it's clear...she survived so she could help others. Not only making woman with cancer is the hospital or hospice to look and feel beautiful with some TLC of a manicure and pedicure, but to pray and offer words of wisdom and hope.
So, Mom, Jessica, Bonnie, Karin and Rae.....all of my angels in disguise, I think of you all more than you could possibly know. I pull from your strength and when I think of your stories, I feel that mine pales in comparison. I want to run around and enjoy my son and watch him grow. I want to laugh again so hard that my stomach hurts. I want to have enough distance that my bitterness simply fades away. God puts angels in our path everyday.....thank you my angels.
With Gratitude, Janeen
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Small Glitch
Well, I'll be at 4 weeks this Tuesday. I had a routine appointment with Dr. Orringer for Thursday but got rescheduled to this Monday which I am so thankful for now as I have had a situation occur tonight with the right breast/nipple. Don't think the graft is holding. I called him today and he's in San Diego, but told me he'd see me tomorrow Sunday if need be. He gave me instructions as to what to do....mom came over and helped me. I'll give more details later when I figure out exactly what happened and what will be needed to fix this. The right side was always the side that wasn't healing as well as the left, but tonight.....again, infection and rejection are things to worry about. It's like my body may be trying to expel the graft.
I couldn't sleep one night and read many other BRCA blogs and there was a woman who chose her mastectomy with reconstruction using implants. She got an immediate infection, was back in surgery. Had 3 more infections and went 9 months without breasts. This was back in 2010 and sad I don't know the eventual outcome.
None of these decisions are easy. Of course my mind goes to the extreme. What has to be done now? I'm frustrated. I took my medicine as prescribed but there wasn't a pill for bitchy. I just don't think I'm as strong as you all think I am. This last month has not been the most painful but I have about one nerve left. Could it all be worse, absolutely. I try to keep this in mind. I am really disappointed tonight. When is it enough?
J
I couldn't sleep one night and read many other BRCA blogs and there was a woman who chose her mastectomy with reconstruction using implants. She got an immediate infection, was back in surgery. Had 3 more infections and went 9 months without breasts. This was back in 2010 and sad I don't know the eventual outcome.
None of these decisions are easy. Of course my mind goes to the extreme. What has to be done now? I'm frustrated. I took my medicine as prescribed but there wasn't a pill for bitchy. I just don't think I'm as strong as you all think I am. This last month has not been the most painful but I have about one nerve left. Could it all be worse, absolutely. I try to keep this in mind. I am really disappointed tonight. When is it enough?
J
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