My "glitch" was stitched back up again and another round of antibiotics. I'll refrain from details because it's rather gross. I cried all the way to the doctor Monday and cried most of the way home. I was thinking of other strong women in my life.
My mom and I have both had a melanoma. Mom had what we thought was another melanoma on the inside of her heel years ago, which obviously isn't good. Melanoma is a beyond a horrible cancer. I was terrified. Mom was the calming force as she always is and so when I heard the doctor say "possible amputation" I almost passed out. She said, "Oh I guess I forgot to tell you they mentioned that." You can only dig out so much of the foot before you no longer have a foot. We were blessed to have a doctor that slowed everything down and insisted her tumor be biopsied at various hospitals across the country. Her tumor was a schwannoma which can look like a melanoma initially. A schwannoma can grow on the nerve sheath and can strangle it, resulting in floppy foot. Because of other health factors mom's tumor was removed and healed from the inside out. The wound was so large a tennis ball could fit in there. While mom still has her foot she was wheelchair bound for over 3 months and to this day still has severe foot and heal pain. She's thrown out her Prada shoes for TOM's and flip flops. She's in pain, I think, everyday all day. She hides it very well. She's not a complainer at all. She just gets on with it; whatever "it" is. She has survived many challenges.
Next, I have a childhood friend who was her mother's caretaker as she was dying from cancer. In addition to this daunting task, she was continuing her education and even dated and ultimately found her husband. Her mother was able to marry them in a beautiful and touching ceremony, but didn't live long enough to meet her grandson. Although I believe Rosa met Gabe long before Jessica ever did. I don't know how she handled any of this, but she did it with such grace and love. I respect her greatly.
I have another friend and former neighbor who is currently living with her cancer; 4 years now. She said she would not let her cancer run her life and while it has made a tremendous impact on her life, she has continued to travel, when possible, continued with her book club, walks her beloved dog, although not as far as she used to, and even exercises when she has the energy. She looks great and we laugh because one pet peeve is when people tell you how great you look when you feel like shit! There are days when I see her walking and I'm like damn....You would never know what she's been through. She's living.
Another neighbor is a 4 year breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed when her kids were younger and she found great comfort with her beloved dog Leo who is no longer here; Leo is now at Rainbow Bridge. Mom would leave a little something at her door or send a random card to let her know she was thinking and prayer for her and her family. Karin would call to say thank you and you could hear how much pain she was in on any particular day from a chemo treatment. She lost her hair but still looked beautiful. I remember one night when us three girls went bowling and just had girl talk...no cancer.
After I got home from the hospital in September my aunt, also a breast cancer survivor, had her friend and manicurist come over to give me a mani and pedi. This woman survived a brain aneurysm. Something she should NOT have survived. She had brain surgery. She told me her story. She held my hand and prayed with me. She says she's not sure why she survived. But it's clear...she survived so she could help others. Not only making woman with cancer is the hospital or hospice to look and feel beautiful with some TLC of a manicure and pedicure, but to pray and offer words of wisdom and hope.
So, Mom, Jessica, Bonnie, Karin and Rae.....all of my angels in disguise, I think of you all more than you could possibly know. I pull from your strength and when I think of your stories, I feel that mine pales in comparison. I want to run around and enjoy my son and watch him grow. I want to laugh again so hard that my stomach hurts. I want to have enough distance that my bitterness simply fades away. God puts angels in our path everyday.....thank you my angels.
With Gratitude, Janeen
2 comments:
What timing you have with this post. I got bad news yesterday. My lung mets are growing, and have intruded on an airway. I have lots of testing in my future, more radiation, more chemo, and who knows to what result.
Reading your post cheered me as it makes me realize how many of us have been affected by cancer of some sort. It also reminded me that you are one of my angels in 2009, when I did that nasty chemo, you were forever dropping off soup and pajamas. It is so comforting to arrive home and find a carton of soup at my front door.
Girl, you are stronger than you realize. And you have more positive effect on people than I think you realize. Keep rolling along. Soon your breast will be stable, and you can get back to the business of living. In the meantime, don't let these challenges rob you of feeling joy with Jack each day. Love you! Bonnie
Thank you for your sweet words, and for being an angel to so many people. I used to ask my Mom how she had so much strength as she faced her cancer, and she would answer "What's my alternative?" Although, there were also some moments when she proclaimed that she was going to sit on her pitty pot, and I assured her that she was more than entitled. I think this is how we move through challenges ~ by allowing ourselves to be strong AND weak. Both are important parts of the process. Together, they make us whole. Know that I am thinking of you each and every day, and wishing you the very best. XO, Jess
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