Feeling a bit more human

Got the last of my balls removed today. Finally. And yes it hurt, but at this point what's new. I got a few more stitches out as well. I cannot even imagine another surgery. But all in time.

I've been writing in my journal and I keep ending each entry with "feeling aggro....Pain this, pain that..." So it'll be 3 weeks this Monday. So yeah, everyone says I look great and I'm doing far more than I ever thought I would be doing at this point, but I'm more exhausted now than when I left the hospital and recovery center. And I think I've been trying to keep up with how everybody thinks I'm doing and so I'm aggro.

I received an email from a friend and former neighbor, who is currently living with cancer, and she wrote about acceptance and how just because you may look good doesn't mean your not hurting. Yes, my spirits are up, especially after today but I hurt every single second of everyday. I know one of my lessons here is patience. Not my strong suit. I don't want you to read this and think I'm sitting here complaining. I do not regret my surgery or the choices I've made...I reduced my chances of getting cancer by 90%. And there are people out there with cancer or some other ailments that live with pain 24/7. I know I will get better. I know I need time, I'm just telling you how I feel. So I don't mean to be difficult to friends and family that want to visit. Nobody can make this better. Nobody can take away my pain. I love you all for your prayers and emails and tweets and phone messages, etc.....but I need time.

To my Mom, my angel.....I love you so much. We certainly are a pair hobbling around these last few weeks together. I know this has been so difficult for you and I know you know physical pain. You give me strength.

To baby Jack....My love. You are so gentle with mommy and her boo-boos. When you lay in bed with me and hold my hand or look over and me and say, "Hi Mommy." it melts my heart. I hope you have no memory of this someday, but I will certainly share this experience with you. You will also know how much we are loved by so many. We are very blessed Jack.

"I am perpetually with you, taking care of you. This is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever-promise.......I am training you to keep your focus on My Presence in the present..." This is just part of a beautiful passage that was given to me today.

Yeah, I'm in training, for sure.

Love, Janeen

Mommy's Balls Gone

I'm Jack! I got to go to LA today with my mommy and my anni. Mommy went to her doctor first and had her last ball taken out. OUCH!!!! She also showed me a really long blue string that her doctor took out of her " boobie"...OUCH!!!! My mommy is the strongest mommy in all the world.

Then anni was next. She went in a room and was gone for what seemed like forever. You know I'm only two so forever is a really long time. Mommy said I had to be quiet because I was in a hospital, but I kept calling, " anni come here!" "Anni come here now!" When she didn't come out I went and knocked on the door and guess what? My anni opened the door and I was so happy to see her. We walked out of the hospital holding hands. We then went to get something to eat and anni bought me a new train set for being such a good boy. I had fun with my to favorite ladies today.

Oh, mommy goes back to her doctor in 1 and 1/2 weeks and anni said they couldn't find the reason for her legs hurting. Don't know what she's going to do, but my mommy is healing just fine.

That's all........Baby Nack!(Jack)

Janeen's Spirits Raised

It has been one hell of a week.  Janeen's expectations of herself so unrealisticlly high, one drain still flopping around or tucked into pants, not to mention the pain for which she will only take Tylenol so she can keep up with Jack.  It didn't help that I needed to remain off my leg as much as possible so I feel useless. But there is good news and I want to share.

Tomorrow we will go back to St. John's Hospital.  We will meet Janeen's doctor there after he gets out of surgery and I have scheduled a vascular study of my legs while we are there.  We're gonna kill two birds with one stone.  We'll each take our turn watching Jack while the other is being worked on, so how's that for organization? See, where there is a will there is a way!

The next good thing that happened today, Janeen heard from James VanPraagh, New York Times bestselling author of Unfinished Business, Ghosts Among Us, and Talking to Heaven.  We met him years ago at John Wayne Airport and we continue to run in to him here in Orange County as well as in Las Vegas.  He lectures and conducts seminars around the globe, one seminar in August Janeen and I attended.  Janeen has made reference to him in one of her earlier posts, but he wrote her today.  He couldn't figure out how to comment which still remains a problem for some but I want to share with you his message to Janeen.

Hi Janeen,
" I just got home from a working trip in Europe and now that I am in front of a working computer, the first thing I am doing is checking in with you.  Brian called me while I was in Italy and told me about your surgery.  I lit a candle for you in a little chapal on the Amalfi Coast.  I am sending you healing energy and lots of love and good wishes for a speedy recovery."  xoxo to my Vegas girl.

Janeen has followed James Van Praagh's Inspirational Quotes throughout her journey so it meant the world to her that he has sent healing energy her way and a candle burns for her in her beloved Italy.  This my friends put a huge smile on my daughter's face tonight.

A big Thank You to James from the other Vegas girl................Barb

Pictures as promised

This is me in ICU after my 18 and 1/2 hours surgery.  I think it may have been 11 or Midnight?

Not really sure.  It may have been the early hours of Tuesday 9/13?

This is me holding my pain button that I could give myself every 6 minutes.

I just waited for that button to turn green so I could take another hit....

and I did.  Six minutes sometimes feels like forever.

Have no clue what day this is, but I finally see Mom. 

Getting strong doppler sounds from transplant.

They had me sitting in a chair day 2; walking the halls day 3.

Doctor Straub, the last of my team to show up.

Although he was the only doctor that saw me and cried.

My first hug from my beautiful boy. He gave me a shot.

I cried. I missed him so much.

Finally at Serenity House recovering, day 6. Me and Jack holding hands

and watching TV in bed. Those beautiful flowers are from my Jack.

Of course Jack had more fun playing IN the furniture than sitting

in bed with me.  What are you going to do?

Wednesday, September 28.

So here are just a few pictures.  My Mom came over this morning and rubbed my back which made a huge difference.  Have a babysitter today so I get another break.  I'm so thankful.  And to you all that have offered to help out.  Just been feeling a bit sad lately.  Overwhelmed. Hurt. Blessed.  My body feels so foreign.  It's like I just can't get a break.  Like one day pain free.  Not happening.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  This is tough.  I hope to be in better spirits next time.  Again have so much to share.  Whether anyone reads it or not, I need to get it out of my head.  Until then.....peace.

Janeen 

Day of tears

It's been a day of tears.  I have so much to write but it hurts like hell to sit here at the computer, so it'll have to wait.  My aunt and uncle took Jack most of today so maybe it's because I had some alone time I just let go?  My back is KILLING me.  My shoulders, neck..legs fatigued.  Everyone is so impressed with my progress and yet I feel like I am just hanging on, especially today.  Cannot believe I am now past the two week mark and yet it's only been two weeks.  I feel like it's been way longer just because I have this constant reminder; the tightness in my chest and stomache.  My muscles just constantly flexed partly because I cannot stand straight and partly because I feel protected hunched over.  I feel like I've taken a few steps back today.  Oh this fucking pain!  Hurts to cry but I feel like I need to get it out.  Going to bed.  Good night.

Janeen 

Tag Team - I'm It !

Isn't Janeen incredible?  Do not let ANYONE say to you " that women aren't the stronger sex".  Her recovery has amazed all the doctor's and me and yes, Janeen too.  I only lasted one and a half days with her once we got home.  I ended up with a  nasty leg infection which planted me on my back, leg elevated and antibiotics.  Janeen has been on her own cooking, cleaning and chasing Jack.  Jack gets on a step stool to get in  and out of his bed and up on the changing table.  She made my signature soup Friday. I was going to make it for her.....yes, she's cooking for me also.  It wasn't suppose to go down like this, I am the one who is suppose to do the taking care of.  She measures and cleans her own drains and is wearing clothes now so she can pin her drains to something instead of them hanging.  Yep, Jack has seen her body.  He was speechless then said, " mommy's balls " and ran out of the room.  He continues to crack us up.

I took breakfast (Mcie D's) this a.m. and brought Jack home with me so Janeen could get some much needed rest.  For all of you that are anxious to see her and visit, she really needs some more time.  Perhaps towards the end of next week.  Hopefully, her drains will come out Monday but the output as of this morning was still too high.  So we have to wait and see.  Her spirits are great, way better than I had anticipated, and I think she is gorgeous, but then I always have found her beauty to be in abundance.  God threw away the mold after He made her.  How blessed I have been to be the one chosen for her to call Mom.

We will get through this recovery time together.  Setbacks cannot stop us.  We are family, we are strong and we know what it is like to Love and be Loved.  Thank you all again for your help, you've been awesome teachers and I will cherish each and everyone of you always.

Love to all,
Barb

What a day!

It's been a tough and emotional day.  I continue to do more than I am supposed to, but it's hard to stay down.  The 2 pints of my own blood they put back in me may be the reason I am healing so well right now.  I still feel like a truck hit me, but everyone is amazed at my progress and my color.  I don't feel as perky.

I finally had a chance to read all the posts from my amazing mom and everyone's response.  Do I have an incredible mother or what?  How raw and revealing and honest she has been.  I think she revealed things that I didn't even know. 

Before my surgery, Mom and I went to an evening with James Van Praagh.  It was a powerful night.  He intuitively knew of my upcoming procedure and continued to touch his abdomen and chest area.  He askes that you validate what he says with a verbal, yes or no.  It was Yes, Yes, Yes the entire reading.  But moreso, he said that me and mom were almost one.  He could see a gold thread intertwined between the two of us.  This didn't surprise me, just confirmation of just how close we are.

My dear mom.......You are my rock and yet as I read your posts my face is stained with tears.  How brave of you...knowing that I would read this.  I know there is a bond within us that was tied with a golden thread long ago.  You are brave and gracious and you are love and joy.  Whatever strength I have I get from you.

For all of you reading and for those I have texted or emailed, I have to be honest in saying I have almost zero recollection of doing any of this.  My surgery week is alomost a blur.  I'm still having memory issues.  Reading what my mom wrote has filled in the gaps for me.  I'm still foggy.  I have 2 drains in still.  I have to stripe the lines and empty them every 12 hours and it makes me nauseous.  My body feels so foreign to me.  I know I need time and this is one of my many lessons; patience and time.  I ask God to grant me the strength and patience everyday as I am in for a long recovery period.  I don't even care what I will look like anymore because I feel so weird, but I know now I will wear my scars proudly.  I've earned it!!! 

So today was also rough because mom has a leg infection.  It's very difficult for her to stand, walk, much less run around after a two year old.  She decided tonight after she put Jack to bed that she was going home.  Of course I started to cry.  I know I can pretty much do things for myself.  And she will be back in the morning, but if we have any late night readers, I would ask for your continued prayers for all of us.  I think my mom was worried that her body would give out or betray her in some way.  I think God knows I'm fine and it's His way of telling her she needs to go back and take care of herself.  I've been through a lot, but emotional rollar coasters can be just as dangerous.  She needs time for her.  I'll start to call on those that have offered to help.

I re-read what I wrote and I still feel so off.  I think I need more time for the fog to wear off.  Not sure if I'm making sense? 

I thank everyone who is taking the time to read this.  For those praying for me and my family.  To my family and friends, GOD, I love you all!!  Gods blessings comes in many forms.  My physical pain is nothing compared to what I have gained in my mind and heart.  I'm blessed!

Good night.  Mom, be well.  See you tomorrow.

Love, Janeen

P.S. Sleep tight my baby Jack.  Mommy loves you!     

 

  

I'm Home

My mom justed showed me this blog that she started for me.  I am so overwhelmed right now that it will take some time to read what she has started and all of your comments.

This has been a very difficult process for us all.  But I must say I am in awe of the many blessings God continues to bestow upon me and my family. 

I am forever grateful  for the love and support.   I thank God for He surrounded me with such amazing and talented doctors and nurses.  He walked with me when I was scared.  He was there with me when I was wheeled into the operating room for what turned out to be an 18 and 1/2 hour surgery.  He was by my mom's side the entire time.  As well as all of my family and friends that were praying for me.  And He continues to be with me as I heal. 

This has been a life altering experience and one that I will not take lightly.  I am forever changed.  I have a much deeper faith when at times I thought I had none.  I know now that it does no good to hang onto anger and hurt.  We are all here to love and BE loved.

I am home tonight with my mom and beloved son Jack and my puppies Sophie and Pearl.  I couldn't be any happier right now.  I missed Jack so much.  He's the love of my life.  I will continue at a later date......Thank you.

Love, Janeen




  

Good-bye..9-19-11

Tomorrow around noon Janeen and I will say good-bye to all doctor's, nurses, Serenity House and Santa Monica.  The doctor's released her as of today and she is most anxious to get home.  I held up the return home date as I really needed a day for me and I felt terrible but Janeen understood and so tomorrow will become the big day.  We have only spoken by phone today but she is getting off almost all of her drugs, I think for pain she is only managing it with Tylenol and Ambein to sleep.  All the other meds are up-
setting her stomach.  Two drains have to stay in until next week when we will come back here for a check up and they will take the drains out at that time.  She's going crazy without a shower, a sponge bath daily just doesn't cut it.  When I go to Serenity House tomorrow we are going to get her hair washed and that will make her feel better.  

Tomorrow night she will be in her own bed with Jack and her beloved Sophie & Pearl. She wants to see her girls as she has also missed them terribly.

My daily devotional has helped me so much. I like the following:  Trust ME and refuse to worry, for I AM YOUR STRENGTH AND SONG.  You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength.  However, they are not today's tasks-or even
tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present where you will find Me waiting for you.  Since I AM YOUR STRENGTH, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes.  Because I AM YOUR SONG, I can give you Joy as you work alongside Me.

One day very soon, this blog will be turned over to Janeen.  I will be staying at Janeen's for some time, maybe 6 weeks, we will both need to pull strength from God's love for us.....two very strong women under the same roof and one adorable little boy.  That's going to be another whole different story and Janeen can write that one.  One thing i know for sure, both of us are bursting with gratitude for all our many blessings.

Good-bye for now.........Barb

Emotional Week End

Finally on Friday night Jack walked in to the hospital with his stethoscope around his neck and his doctor's bag in hand.  ( Picture will be added later ). I tried to prepare Jack for what he was about to walk into but how do you prepare a two year old who has never been away from his mother?  Janeen was sitting in a chair, all visible tubes and IV's removed, he knocked and entered and stared as if he was in total disbelief.   He ran to the corner of the room crying, Janeen's crying then I started crying: I went over to him and took his hand and told him everything was OK and then he gave his mommy a big hug and kiss.  We visited for 2 hrs. and then jack and I went to the hotel.  We went back to the hospital in the morning as Janeen was being transfered to Serenity House at noon.  Later that evening Jack and I joined Janeen for dinner and quality time at Serenity House.  Jack climbed up in bed with Janeen and held hands and watched a video.  He gave her his gift and of course there were more tears.  She cries a lot and seeing her so emotional just kills me.  She says she feels really strange and so uncomfortable and she wants to go home.  The doctor's have no problem with her going home but I do.  I'm still so worried about clots and infection and MY

 acute fatigue.  We decided to wait til Sunday and see how things were going.  Well, at 5:00 am Jack woke up and said his tummy hurt.  By 6:00 am he is throwing up all over the bed and I thruthfully didn't know where to start.  Keeping him calm was number one, then start cleaning up. By 9:00 am it was the other end and I decided Jack needed to go home.  Thank God for Suzi & Jerry!  They came up and made my day.  I am so tired I can't even tell you.  They took Jack out for some fresh air then brought him back to me and I put him down for a nap. ( A 4 Hr. Nap ).  Jerry stayed with Jack and Suzi and I ran over to Serenity House.  Again, Janeen cried when she saw us and we told her Jack had to  go home.  Obviously this was upsetting news but she said for us to do what we thought was best,  Jack left at 8:00 pm and I'm going to go to bed early and tomorrow do nothing but rest.

Oh, it gets better......parking valet at the hotel changed my lights from AUTO to ON.  I could not tell in the day time my lights were on so after visiting Janeen today Suzi & I got to sit in an under ground garage for over an hour waiting for AAA and then had to buy a new battery.  Oh, not finished yet....housekeeping vacuumed up one of my diamond earings.  They went through the vacuum bags and found it.  You know what, I was even to tired to care.  I have just way to much to be thankful for. 
Emotions are running high right now but I do believe once we get home on TUESDAY Janeen will feel better.  There's just no place like home!    

I just was thinking back to a week ago tonight.  It is so hard to believe how fast this week has really gone.  It is a week I don't ever want to repeat.  I thank God for giving us the strength to get through it and continued blessings for the remainder of Janeen's recovery.   All the prayers said have been answered and I would ask that Janeen remain in your prayers as she struggles to keep her mind on what is important now, HEALING.  This is not the end of the road for Janeen, there will be another surgery 3 to 4 months from now. 

Thank you everyone.  Love, Barb  

Friday The 16th

Good day to all.  I am home now, it is time for Jack to go visit his mommy.  I went to the hospital this morning @ 8:30 and Janeen was crying.  Emotions are running high, she didn't feel well and just needed a good cry.  I held her and we figured out together what needed to be done as she knew I was not going to be with her today.  Her daytime nurse came in and we put a plan in motion and waited for her doctor to come.  Our morning breakfast we ordered for 9:00 am arrived @ 8:15 am.....that damn butler can't tell time.  Needless to say breakfast left a little to be desired but so what, right?  Janeen might feel like crap but she looks good and her doctor's are still shaking their heads as to how fast she is healing. I think after today the only tubes that will remain will be the stomach drains and I've had my tutorial.  I can do this...no problem.

We have all agreed, tomorrow Janeen will transfer to Serenity House.  Those of you who have schedules also have the phone number and she has her ipad and cell with her from here on out.  Just please don't bombard her with calls.  I think texting is the best method of communication or call me.  (949) 433-0492...............It hurts for her to talk still and the side affects of all the drugs make her feel yucky. Once she sees Jack she will feel better but my visits will now become much, much shorter.  Sort of a double edge sword for me but this is what Janeen wanted so Jack will join Janeen and me at the hospital then Serenity House.

All tissue is still looking good breast monitors should be removed by the time I get back tonight.  That means, the abdomen transplant was a HUGE success.  YEAH!!!!  There is some redness on her abdomen that two of her four doctors are concerned about (infection) but she has no temperature and they want to see if it goes away on its own, and feel it is due to surgical trauma in that area. More antibotics now will only make her feel worse.  I had her walk over to the big window to see her stomach in direct daylight (the doctor thought I was genius) and it doesn't look so red.  I look red when I walk in her room, again hospitals do not have the most flattering lighting.  Dr. Straub here thinks she is fine.

It goes without saying it has been an exhausting week but taking care of someone you love is such a privilege. We've shared some incredible moments together this week and I feel closer to her than ever before if you can imagine that.  I'm anxious to see Baby Jack he should be home soon.  I'll blog again tomorrow.  XO  Barb

Thursday the 15th

Where do I start?  I'll go back to  last night around mid-night I made an executive decision to up grade Janeen's  room to V.I.P. Status.  Yep, the room is prettier and she has her own butler.  Her bed sheets have escalated from rash quality to 500 thread count and a lovely duvet.  The hospital sent flowers and a fruit basket which consisted of bananas.  Lot's of bananas.  She gets a menu now that differs from hospital menu and they also cook for me.  I could no longer sustain on candy and bagels.  The cafeteria is so far from her room my old legs said no more......the food needs to come to us. So now Mom is happy and Janeen is happy.  We sit in our Barker Loungers and we look like the odd couple.

Now the good news.  Biopsy report came back NO CANCER was found!  We were so happy to hear that news.  Also, today her catheter, three drains, IV and her pain pump.....All OUT!  She now walks the hall and is able to manage the bathroom on her own.  Her doctors and nurses are in shock. Looks like the schedule I sent out is a little off but I think only by one day.  I am guessing she will go to Serenity House on Saturday.  That's the plan tonight and I don't foresee any change in her return home date.

I was suppose to be home today and relieve my sister and her husband of grandparent duties but I couldn't leave Janeen. They agreed I needed to stay here as Jack is having a blast with them and Janeen was not remotely ready for Jack.  So I spent today with Janeen and tonight she is in a much better place in regards to pain and mobility.  Tomorrow I will come have breakfast with her then head home, go to her house and check  things out, then grab Jack and be back at the hospital hopefully for dinner.  A family dinner @ St. John's Health Center.  Then I take Jack to the hotel with me.  That is going to be interesting, a whole new chapter but I'll report on that as those experiences unfold.

Gotta go I'm being summoned for a photo op!  Then I am going to head back to Shutter's.  I will get to bed early tonight tomorrow is another long day.

Taking care of Janeen has been such a pleasure.  She is an extremely good patient even when she is in extreme pain.  Yes, a real trooper.

Good Night, Barb

Wednesday The 14th

I am in Janeen's hospital room and she is watching Dr. Oz.  She has no idea what I am doing. So, now the update:

She has been up twice today.  Yep, with all those tubes she gets up and I am so proud od her. We changed her in to one of those gowns she didn't want to bring (remember that post earlier) and she looks wonderful.  She had her first solid food 1/2 bagel from the cafeteria. Tomorrow she will walk to a chair and sit up for a while.  I've been taking pictures but I don't think it would be nice for me to post them as she still doesn't know about this blog.  All in time.  Everyone here is so sweet, no complaints from either of us.

Her breasts are doing great.  Fantastic blood flow, in fact when they do the doplar it is so loud.  I do believe they are surviving the transplant.  I think by now there would have been signs of trouble.  I have missed the doctors every day but they would have called me if they saw a problem.  She is much more alert today but she needs to go to sleep.  I'm going to leave and come back later....maybe she will fall asleep if I just leave. To be continued.............Barb    

24 Hours Later

It is now Tuesday evening @ 10:00 pm.  I just got back from the hospital and I am happy to report Janeen is doing great and looks Amazing!  She is in a great deal of pain and drifts in and out of sleep which is what she is  suppose to be doing.  They were going to have her get up and walk to a chair and sit but Dr. Orringer re-thought that plan and told me he wanted to give her some more time.  She is doing so well, she is out of CCU ( she was scheduled to be there for 3 days) and was settled into her private room around 4:00 pm today.  She looks so incredibly beautiful while sleeping, so peaceful and relaxed.  She was able to take a few sips of broth while I was there but water and chap stick are the favorites of the evening.  I simply cannot tell you what her doctor's accomplished in that operating room yesterday.  I took pictures of her tonight so she could see their work and she was blown away. Not only have they saved her life but they are masterfully skilled  physicians. When the surgery finally was over last evening/early today actually, both Plastic Surgeons looked whipped. She had four doctors and at any given time 20 other personnel in the OR. A fantastic team of specialists and they should be so proud of their work.  They obviously love what they do and all were so humble as well as patient and  caring.

I am extremely emotional today.  Thankful does not adaquately describe my my feelings.  I slipped into the chapel while Janeen was sleeping tonight and cried my eyes out.  The little chapal was so comforting and I was alone with God Almighty.  It was the place I was longing to visit yesterday but I didn't want to leave the waiting room and miss my updates during the surgery.

Thank you Darren for staying with your sister today so I could get a little shut eye.  I had been going on 2 hrs. sleep in 48 hrs.  Your presence yesterday was so nice and I loved spending those long hours with you.  Janeen kicked me out of the hospital tonight, she said I looked tired and she wanted me to go to the hotel.  No arguement from me and that is where I am now writing this post.

Thank you Grandmoe and Bobo for taking such good care of Jack.  When I told Janeen you were following her directions as instructed she said, " I don't even care I hurt to much to worry about it". I hope you are enjoying him and he is being a good little boy.

I'm signing off, sleep is calling me...........Barb

She Did It!!!!

The OR  just called,it is 11:15 pm, they are applying the  dressings and she will proceed to recovery.  I can't believe today.  So much emotion, ao many prayers and now my girl gets to rest.  I'm crying and I can't see what I'm typing but I'm so happy.  Janeen is now on the road to recovery......I can hardly stand waiting any longer.  I just need to see her and hold her hand.  Janeen's  doctor's are my heroes  and how do you say thank you, not just for their knowledge and surgical skills, but for their caring manner.  I wish you  all could meet this team Janeen had working on her today.  They all have to be  exhausted, God Bless Them All!

What an amazing day. It is a day I will never forget. Thanks to everyone who helped my family get to where we are this very minute.  Loving each other, caring for each other and praying for each other. I love my family with all our dysfunctions and silly squabbles.  We came together as a family and I am so proud of all of us. I don't care how tired I am I have to stay until she wakes up, I promised Janeen and everyone knows a promise is a promise. This  was the  longest 18 1/2 hrs. of my life.

Good Night.......tomorrow is another day.

Barb         

Surgery Update

It is now 4:45 pm and the OR just called and said Janeen was doing fine.  It has now been 8 hrs. and one breast is almost completed.  She has not lost very much blood but they are monitoring her platlets as they were low when they started the surgery.  The report indicated they were on schedule (no complications) and they were about to start the other breast.  They are shooting for a 10:00 pm completion time.  Let's pray that the last leg of this surgery continues to go smoothly.  I can hardly wait to see her.

Her dad went home and Darren and I were watching the football game until some douch changed the channel.  Janeen wants to wake up and know the score....Patriots vs. Dolphins.....remember she is doing Fantasy Football.  Score now is 14 Patriots,7 Dolphins.  She needs the Dolphins to win.

I am beat.  I need a pillow.  My eyes are having a hard time staying open right now. I missed breakfast, then I missed lunch,perhaps I can make it in time for dinner.  Everytime I go to the cafeteria they are cleaning up.  I've met some lovely people today and our conversations have certainly helped the day go faster and kept my mind occupied.  They have all offered to pray for Janeen.  I missed mass at 12:00 pm  as I didn't want to miss the doctor's update.  Mass is every day at noon, I have the rest of the week to go and give thanks and praise.  I really like this hospital and I like my hotel.  Shutter's looks like it just came out of a 1940's movie set.  Very charming.  The big bed there is calling to me but not til I see my little girl.  I lover her more than my luggage!  To be continued..........................................................

Surgery Day

4:00am Sept 12th, Day of Surgery

7:30am, St. Johns Hospital

 



Doctor Jack Straub is practicing his skills on his baby "L".  He is getting ready so he can take care of Mommy when she comes home.

Last night, Dr. Jack practiced his medical skills on L for an hour.  She got her blood pressure taken, shots, ultra sound and temp taken.  Jack then put Band-Aids on L and stayed next to her for an hour.

One More Sleep

Forget your worry....step into Trust and see everything from this moment forward as an answer to your greatest prayer.

Janeen, if you look, you will see how supported you are.  Everything you need is at your fingertips if you look closely enough.

I can not say thank you enough for all the support you all have shown ME through this blog.  I am as ready as I will ever be and anxious to share this blog with Janeen when the moment is right. I'm so happy I decided to do this and I am overwhelmed so many of you have participated and followed us. I will pick it up tomorrow during my long arduous wait at the hospital and hopefully Darren can help me insert some photos.

Off to Santa Monica!  More later...............Ciao, Barb

Two More Sleeps

You must rise to the challenge and meet it with all your strength, strength built from the will to be the best you can be....(Spiritual Truth).

Janeen and I are both handling the final arrangements, squaring away our animals and putting the finishing touches on our homes to accommodate those who will be coming and going during our stay in Santa Monica.  The refrigerators are stocked. some meals already prepared and the pantry is full.  Oh, and the flowers are in place.  I'm so appreciative of everyone who is helping me , I just want my home to look like it does when I'm here.  Both of us are in good spirits also. 

Thank you God for everything and please watch over Leo.
Barb

Three More Sleeps

Janeen and I both are in a good place today.  We both still have lots to do before we take off but our heads are in a good place and that brings a smile to my face.

Something interesting did happen today.  When Janeen got home she had two messages waiting for her from St. John's Hospital.  When she returned the calls she found out they were courtesy calls to inform her that her insurance company had only approved 2 days for hospitalization.  She's suppose to be in ICU for 3 days for crying out loud.  They suggested she call her doctor which she did, and his response was " not to worry and have a nice week end".  So that's what we are going to do.

She sent me a Spiritual Truth that I would like to share:

Look within, be still, free from fear and attachment. know the sweet joy of living.......Buddha

Hope you all have a wonderful week end too!

Four More Sleeps

Today was a pretty good day for both Janeen and me.  We did go our separate ways but when I took over dinner tonight for her and Jack she was in a good mood...of course tonight was the first game for Fantasy Football and she was going nuts.  Apparently, she has a player on each team and didn't know who to hoot and hollar for.  Cole, where were you?/!@.  I was so hoping Fantasy Football would be a good diversion for her and it seems to be working at least for tonight.  Danielle, thank you for inviting her into your league.

I seem to have come to terms with my limitations on getting Janeen's head in the right place for Monday. Once I figured out only she can do that, I turned my focus on me and I slept like a baby last night.  I think I kept giving it all to God and then I grabbed it back. I was doing exactly what I see Janeen doing and I didn't even realize I was doing the same.  All I can controll is me and I feel confident and very strong today.  Maybe it's all those prayer's you all are saying, but today was a good day!

Thank you all for your encouragement and support.......Ciao, Barb

HOW TO POST A COMMENT

Many have been asking how to post a comment or experiencing trouble.  This should clear up any confusion.

• To post a comment, click the "0 Comments" button at the end of the Post.  It may say "1 Comment", etc....its usually in orange or red highlight.
• Write your comment when the white box appears.  (Comment must be written first)
• Then select a profile using the drop down menu.
• Select NAME/URL.
• Type in your Name and leave URL blank.
• Click POST COMMENT.

You may be asked for a SECURITY WORD, which you just retype in the box given.  (This filters out SPAM from the Internet)

Your comment should now be posted.  Hope this helps.  If any questions, please email myself at DJ92108@me.com

Darren

Awakening

Last evening around 11:00 PM I just had this feeling to call Janeen.  When she picked up I could tell by her voice she had been crying.  We started talking and the timid voice on the other end turned into sobs. So I started crying because it breaks my heart hearing how scared she is.  She said she thinks I expect her to be all perky and happy and that couldn't be any further from the truth. I can only hear how scared she is so many times and the helplessness I feel is what is devastating me.

I went to the Wellness Institute today for acupuncture.  I went into my little room and when Dr. Weissler walked in and asked how I was doing I broke into tears.  She knows Janeen and she is aware of what is about to happen.  She is opposed to Janeen's decision for surgery by the way, but she was so helpful to me today.  She said that I am trying so hard to help Janeen and instill in her mind my faith that I have depleted the very core of me, and I need to let Janeen come to her own means of coping, and I must come back and put  my focus on me.  So many of you have told me to take care of myself and I thought I was.  I am not afraid for Janeen.  I wish I could have the surgery for her and that is ridiculous but I would if I could. I truly believe she is in the best hands and all will turn out fine.  I realized, in that little acupuncture room I am afraid for me.  I am afraid my legs won't get me from point A to point B.  I'm afraid my back will go out and then I'm up there completely useless and bedridden.  I'm afraid of sleep deprivation and my fybro will flare up and then what do I do?  The needles were placed on my body, the music was turned on and the lights dimmed. The tears just flowed and I fell asleep.  I left that treatment a little wiser than when I went in.  I have figured all of these things out before and God has never let me down.  I want him to be there for her (and He will) but I also need Him for me.  I haven't been practising what I'm preaching to Janeen and that's the big wall that has come between us now.  We're both scared to death for ourselves and I can't recall a time in our lives that this has been the case.  So, if Janeen is unable to pull her big girl pants on I'm pulling mine on right now. I'm going to hang on to His hand starting now.  My troubles are going on a platter and I am handing them over to Him.  I'm going to put a smile on my face even though Janeen is not able to and enjoy tonight, and tomorrow and the next day.  I'm going to be strong and I will take what comes my way one minute at a time.

WOW!! what a day....I am woman hear me roar.  (Remember Helen Reddy?)  I have vented and now good night.

Barb

One Week Out

In one week today and at this time Janeen will have been in surgery 5 hours.  I have so much to do today but I feel like I am in slow motion and crying on and off which I can't control.  I remember Janeen saying a couple of weeks ago she felt like she was in slow motion also.  What's this feeling all about?.  Just typing this I feel like my hands are made of cement. I'm short with Janeen and my dogs are driving me to drink.  I'm going to tape their mouths shut.

Last evening I took my little family out for our last family dinner for awhile.  Darren's moved in to his condo, so it was Darren, Janeen & Jack, Suzi & Jerry and ME!  Jack sat through a 2 1/2 hour dinner all dressed up so cute in Burberry.  We had a fabulous meal ( we went to Gulfstream ) and everyone was given a little gift which was my way to convey how much I love them all as well as thank you for being together as a family.  Lot's of tears but that little Jack.....everytime the top came off a present he screamed, raised his little arms and clapped.  He would get so excited, tears turned to laughter and everyone around us got the biggest kick out of him. To say it was a wonderful evening is an understatement.

Janeen starts her medicine regime this week.  This is one area I didn't get involved in.  I'm the keeper of the drugs for after her surgery. We might have to get some refills by then. (I'm joking).  We're all staying busy and that means me too.  I have to go do my errands before the days end.  I hope Janeen can pull herself out of this funky mood she is in, if not I'll just have to be patient and compassionate.  I want to slap her out of it  or shake her, but I guess I'll just smother her with love.  She is my baby girl!

Love to all, Barb

FAITH

I'm having one of those moments tonight where I can't see the forest through the trees.  So much is going through my head tonight.  I can't shut off my head.  Sept. 12th is right around the corner and will I be strong enough to handle all of this pressure I'm feeling?  I cry at the weirdest times and I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just don't know for the first time in my life if I'm going to be OK.  It is very scary for me to feel so vulnerable and at the same time handle so much.  All of you reading this post, I'm bearing my soul...I'm so scared.  I love all the prayers everyone is saying and all the words of encouragement mean so much.  I know it has been difficult for you to comment on the blog but I remember everything you all have told me and I will share it with Janeen once she is made aware of what I have done. The offers of help are overwhelming and I think I've stated early on I will take you up on your offers once we settle in at home.  She will be coming home with drains and I can only imagine she will feel better once all those are removed.  I'm guessing she will be up for company and a good laugh and a glass of wine (?). She is staying very busy, as am I, but now the days are just moving by so quickly.  There is still so much for me to organize this final week. OMG!!!! I can do this, there's no turning back now.

Since I started this blog four more women, ( friends of friends) have had the same proceedure done that Janeen is doing on the 12th.  Before Janeen was tested for BRCA 1 & 2 I had never heard of this type of breast reconstruction.  I don't think I have mentioned that after four months of healing she will have the second part of this surgery. I won't go there now.

Thank you....thank you....thank you to all of you.  Your phone calls and emails have touched me deeply.

FAITH is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. And that's the truth!

Barb