Rise and Grind

A lot has happened since my last post.  I was taking a break from doctors but knew I was taking more time off than I should, so I got back into it.  I decided to deal with the polyps that were found as a result of my ultrasound in February.  I have no symptoms but nonetheless they were found and I need to have them removed and make sure they are not cancerous.  I also have my next EUS (esophageal ultrasound) scheduled to monitor my pancreas.  So I'm back in it; not thrilled but have to keep plugging along.

Since my ultrasounds are looking good (ovaries in good shape) and my CA-125 remain "normal," I am buying time.  I'm not ready to make the decision for a BSO, or possibly a full hysterectomy (depending on the results from the hysteroscopy from the polyps).  It's such a difficult decision for me to make.  In my last ultrasound the technician saw two eggs.  It made me kind of sad.  Clearly the decision to have more children is no longer an option but I'm not ready to finalize it.  In the last few weeks I have seen two people who either have seen Jack or simply a picture and tell me, "You have to have another...Can you imagine a girl."  And I think, yes, I can imagine it and my heart breaks.  I think it's very bold for people to make such a comment to any woman, especially one in her 40's where the odds are already staked against her.  Then I have this other variable to deal with.  Rather than get into it, I usually say, "Oh we'll see."  I will probably never get over the fact that my choices were taken away from me, but all I have to do is look at my beautiful boy and know that God blessed me with one amazing kid.  The older Jack gets, he turns "3" in a few weeks, I know we were meant to be together.  We make a good team.  My love for Jack is beyond words.  He is my heart.

Speaking of heart, in the midst of doctor appointments, Jack's preschool coming to an end for the summer, and other day to day activities, I lost my cousin Jim (Cuzzy J) on June 4 to a massive heart attack.  He was a heavy smoker and never went to the doctor.  He was just 53 years old.  His daughter Erika graduates high school this week and then unfortunately has to bury her father a few days later.  I'm still in shock and feel for my family that is trying to come to terms with Cuzzy's passing.  He also left no will or trust and so it has become a very difficult situation.  I loved my cousin but I wish he had taken better care of himself and had taken care of his affairs.  I found this picture from March 2011 when we visited him at his home in Fallbrook.

*Cuzzy on the left, his daughter, my dad and little man Jack*

Rest In Peace Jim

In closing I always try to put in some relevant quotes.  I found these two that I wanted to share.

"We all experience loss. While we may consider these losses as distressing life changes, everything we do is about growth." JVP

"No one can stop you doing anything, the choices you make are yours, and the consequences will be yours as well." ST

I figure when you're down or times are tough, make a list of all the blessings in your life; what you're grateful for.  Look at it; reflect on it.  

Remember, life is short and shit happens.  Be well.

Janeen