Lotus

Happy to write the biopsy report regarding the polyps were all negative.  I had my EUS (esophageal ultra sound) and there are no changes to may pancreas.  All good, but my doctor believes I have two gallstones.  Great!  No symptoms so hoping they do not develop into anything, but at least I know.  I had laryngitis for a week before this procedure but didn't say anything because I didn't want them to cancel, but with that and the camera down my throat, I still have vocal issues.  Having difficulty talking when I first wake up and singing along to the radio doesn't sound so great.  I used to be able to carry a tune.

I've only been swimming since I was able to return to the gym and I've hit a plateau.  I've gained 10 lbs since February yet my clothes are so big I have been buying 1-2 sizes smaller.  Well, my mom has been shopping for me because trying on clothes brings me to tears.  I used to love going shopping and now I loathe it.  I decided to ramp it up and break my plateau so I took a cardio blast class tonight.  I could do most of it, but I am still so limited it brought me to tears.  I literally cried in class and then I had to explain to the instructor why I'm looking like an ass and I hate saying it all over and over.  I used to be able to do pretty much everything in these aerobic/yoga/swimming classes....and now....not so much.  Yeah, I've come so far but I still have a long frickin' way to go.  I don't mean to get emotional but there are cracks in my mental state and I'm not always sure what will trigger the tears.  It's been 10 months now.  I do expect more.

I am really trying yet my body at times won't let me do what I know I can do.  But I do know that I'm actually very physically strong.  I look at what I have put my body through and wow.  The only time in my life I have absolutely loved my body was when I was pregnant.  The bigger I got, the more beautiful and empowered I felt.  It was amazing.  I NEVER thought just 17 months later, after having my son, I would have to remove my breasts and put my body through an 18 1/2 hour surgery, along with all my other surgeries and procedures.  I am trying to embrace every change, every scar, every bump and lump, every set back, every victory, every tear, every laugh.  I still feel broken, but I will be strong again someday.  Like a lotus seeded in muddy waters, it rises above the mud and produces a beautiful fragrant flower.

But I did do something right.  Jack an I were talking the other day about how many times he has been physically sick.  I told him 2 times.  I reminded him he got sick at the hotel when I was in the hospital.  He couldn't remember any of it.  Not being sick, that I was in the hospital, why I was there, nothing.  I was always hoping that although he sees my scars everyday he wouldn't remember.  He recently asked, "why do you have red lines all over you?"  That made me happy.

My boy turned "3."  I love that I can hold him and cuddle him when he says, "cuddle time."  I made the right choice, for me.

Here's to a work in progress,

Janeen