Three More Sleeps

Janeen and I both are in a good place today.  We both still have lots to do before we take off but our heads are in a good place and that brings a smile to my face.

Something interesting did happen today.  When Janeen got home she had two messages waiting for her from St. John's Hospital.  When she returned the calls she found out they were courtesy calls to inform her that her insurance company had only approved 2 days for hospitalization.  She's suppose to be in ICU for 3 days for crying out loud.  They suggested she call her doctor which she did, and his response was " not to worry and have a nice week end".  So that's what we are going to do.

She sent me a Spiritual Truth that I would like to share:

Look within, be still, free from fear and attachment. know the sweet joy of living.......Buddha

Hope you all have a wonderful week end too!

Four More Sleeps

Today was a pretty good day for both Janeen and me.  We did go our separate ways but when I took over dinner tonight for her and Jack she was in a good mood...of course tonight was the first game for Fantasy Football and she was going nuts.  Apparently, she has a player on each team and didn't know who to hoot and hollar for.  Cole, where were you?/!@.  I was so hoping Fantasy Football would be a good diversion for her and it seems to be working at least for tonight.  Danielle, thank you for inviting her into your league.

I seem to have come to terms with my limitations on getting Janeen's head in the right place for Monday. Once I figured out only she can do that, I turned my focus on me and I slept like a baby last night.  I think I kept giving it all to God and then I grabbed it back. I was doing exactly what I see Janeen doing and I didn't even realize I was doing the same.  All I can controll is me and I feel confident and very strong today.  Maybe it's all those prayer's you all are saying, but today was a good day!

Thank you all for your encouragement and support.......Ciao, Barb

HOW TO POST A COMMENT

Many have been asking how to post a comment or experiencing trouble.  This should clear up any confusion.

• To post a comment, click the "0 Comments" button at the end of the Post.  It may say "1 Comment", etc....its usually in orange or red highlight.
• Write your comment when the white box appears.  (Comment must be written first)
• Then select a profile using the drop down menu.
• Select NAME/URL.
• Type in your Name and leave URL blank.
• Click POST COMMENT.

You may be asked for a SECURITY WORD, which you just retype in the box given.  (This filters out SPAM from the Internet)

Your comment should now be posted.  Hope this helps.  If any questions, please email myself at DJ92108@me.com

Darren

Awakening

Last evening around 11:00 PM I just had this feeling to call Janeen.  When she picked up I could tell by her voice she had been crying.  We started talking and the timid voice on the other end turned into sobs. So I started crying because it breaks my heart hearing how scared she is.  She said she thinks I expect her to be all perky and happy and that couldn't be any further from the truth. I can only hear how scared she is so many times and the helplessness I feel is what is devastating me.

I went to the Wellness Institute today for acupuncture.  I went into my little room and when Dr. Weissler walked in and asked how I was doing I broke into tears.  She knows Janeen and she is aware of what is about to happen.  She is opposed to Janeen's decision for surgery by the way, but she was so helpful to me today.  She said that I am trying so hard to help Janeen and instill in her mind my faith that I have depleted the very core of me, and I need to let Janeen come to her own means of coping, and I must come back and put  my focus on me.  So many of you have told me to take care of myself and I thought I was.  I am not afraid for Janeen.  I wish I could have the surgery for her and that is ridiculous but I would if I could. I truly believe she is in the best hands and all will turn out fine.  I realized, in that little acupuncture room I am afraid for me.  I am afraid my legs won't get me from point A to point B.  I'm afraid my back will go out and then I'm up there completely useless and bedridden.  I'm afraid of sleep deprivation and my fybro will flare up and then what do I do?  The needles were placed on my body, the music was turned on and the lights dimmed. The tears just flowed and I fell asleep.  I left that treatment a little wiser than when I went in.  I have figured all of these things out before and God has never let me down.  I want him to be there for her (and He will) but I also need Him for me.  I haven't been practising what I'm preaching to Janeen and that's the big wall that has come between us now.  We're both scared to death for ourselves and I can't recall a time in our lives that this has been the case.  So, if Janeen is unable to pull her big girl pants on I'm pulling mine on right now. I'm going to hang on to His hand starting now.  My troubles are going on a platter and I am handing them over to Him.  I'm going to put a smile on my face even though Janeen is not able to and enjoy tonight, and tomorrow and the next day.  I'm going to be strong and I will take what comes my way one minute at a time.

WOW!! what a day....I am woman hear me roar.  (Remember Helen Reddy?)  I have vented and now good night.

Barb

One Week Out

In one week today and at this time Janeen will have been in surgery 5 hours.  I have so much to do today but I feel like I am in slow motion and crying on and off which I can't control.  I remember Janeen saying a couple of weeks ago she felt like she was in slow motion also.  What's this feeling all about?.  Just typing this I feel like my hands are made of cement. I'm short with Janeen and my dogs are driving me to drink.  I'm going to tape their mouths shut.

Last evening I took my little family out for our last family dinner for awhile.  Darren's moved in to his condo, so it was Darren, Janeen & Jack, Suzi & Jerry and ME!  Jack sat through a 2 1/2 hour dinner all dressed up so cute in Burberry.  We had a fabulous meal ( we went to Gulfstream ) and everyone was given a little gift which was my way to convey how much I love them all as well as thank you for being together as a family.  Lot's of tears but that little Jack.....everytime the top came off a present he screamed, raised his little arms and clapped.  He would get so excited, tears turned to laughter and everyone around us got the biggest kick out of him. To say it was a wonderful evening is an understatement.

Janeen starts her medicine regime this week.  This is one area I didn't get involved in.  I'm the keeper of the drugs for after her surgery. We might have to get some refills by then. (I'm joking).  We're all staying busy and that means me too.  I have to go do my errands before the days end.  I hope Janeen can pull herself out of this funky mood she is in, if not I'll just have to be patient and compassionate.  I want to slap her out of it  or shake her, but I guess I'll just smother her with love.  She is my baby girl!

Love to all, Barb

FAITH

I'm having one of those moments tonight where I can't see the forest through the trees.  So much is going through my head tonight.  I can't shut off my head.  Sept. 12th is right around the corner and will I be strong enough to handle all of this pressure I'm feeling?  I cry at the weirdest times and I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just don't know for the first time in my life if I'm going to be OK.  It is very scary for me to feel so vulnerable and at the same time handle so much.  All of you reading this post, I'm bearing my soul...I'm so scared.  I love all the prayers everyone is saying and all the words of encouragement mean so much.  I know it has been difficult for you to comment on the blog but I remember everything you all have told me and I will share it with Janeen once she is made aware of what I have done. The offers of help are overwhelming and I think I've stated early on I will take you up on your offers once we settle in at home.  She will be coming home with drains and I can only imagine she will feel better once all those are removed.  I'm guessing she will be up for company and a good laugh and a glass of wine (?). She is staying very busy, as am I, but now the days are just moving by so quickly.  There is still so much for me to organize this final week. OMG!!!! I can do this, there's no turning back now.

Since I started this blog four more women, ( friends of friends) have had the same proceedure done that Janeen is doing on the 12th.  Before Janeen was tested for BRCA 1 & 2 I had never heard of this type of breast reconstruction.  I don't think I have mentioned that after four months of healing she will have the second part of this surgery. I won't go there now.

Thank you....thank you....thank you to all of you.  Your phone calls and emails have touched me deeply.

FAITH is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. And that's the truth!

Barb

I'm Back!

My little break from the medical world and Janeen & Jack was warranted.  Not to sound like poor me...but I didn't get much rest.  See, I have two adult children and so that Darren can participate in this family challenge I took on the job of getting ready Janeen's condo where she lived before Jack, and cleaned and furnished it for Darren.  Boy!!!! what a job but thanks to my sister and her husband and my dear handyman Carlos, it is almost completed.  My sister told me today, " I just love spending your money"!.  I told her she can now stop! 

While I was busy doing this project, Janeen was kept busy with her project, JACK!  It sounds like he has given her a run for the money. Isn't it called the " terrible two's"?  I don't think she has any nerves left after last week and I sure missed them both.  Staying busy is good for her as we go in to the final 11 days before her surgery.  All went well on her Aug. 23rd appointments.  She did her last blood banking. abdomen blood vessel mapping and clearance from Dr. Gransow for surgery.  I need to pull together the schedules for every one who is helping me run both houses and watch Jack  and the puppies while I am away.  Once that is done I think I will be able to say we're ready to roll.  Janeen on the other hand will probably go kicking and screaming all the way up to Santa Monica and in to the OR.  You know what, I would totally understand.  She's trying to be so strong while at the same time she is terrified.

Faith Janeen, is putting all your eggs in God's basket!                                                                       

  Prayer's are the best gift right now for Janeen.  Tell your friends, neighbors and families to say a little prayer each day that all goes well for my daughter.  I know you all will be blessed also.

Love, Barb

One Of Those Day

Today I feel depleted, frustrated and hurt.  Janeen and I took ten steps backwards today.  And I know I shouldn't personalize what she says to me during this difficult time.  As I said in one of my earlier blogs, when you take this simple blood test and check yourself for the breast cancer gene, everyone's life changes.    I believe Janeen would wish she could take back the things she said to me today.  In my heart, I know this is true.  But I am still feeling the sting, so after tomorrow, our last trip to LA before her surgery, I am taking a break.  I am taking a break from doctors, hospitals, Janeen, Jack and this blog.  I am going to do good things for me.  Barb is going to take care of Barb now.  How I feel tonight will pass.  Because I know for sure without Faith, nothing is possible..... With Faith, nothing is impossible.  Tonight I choose to keep the Faith.  I will talk to you all again soon.

Barb

Janeen/Fantasy Football

Janeen did something fun today.  She was invited up to her friends house in Malibu to join her friends Fantasy Football League.  Some of you might not know this but Janen is a football fanatic.  She calls me to talk football talk and all I hear is bla...bla...bla....bla...bla!  She knows nothing about Fantasy Football but decided it might be fun so she went.  When she got home she was all excited about her team ( I truly do not get Fantasy Football ) and rambled on about the players she was able to secure and how happy she was.  All I know is this has come about at the perfect time.  As I understand it the first game will be Sept.8th.  With her surgery on Sept. 12th she will be able to follow her team and do whatever one does during Fantasy Football season while recovering in Santa Monica and at home.  All this stuff will keep her busy and hopefully for her make the days go faster.  She's not going to be able to do anything, so she might as well watch football. Hopefully, having football to occupy her mind, depression after the surgery won't raise it's ugly head.  She'll have so much planning to do and players to move around she won't have time to be depressed.

While she was gone today, Jack and I hung out. Grandmoe and BoBo came over for a quick run through on my house.  They needed to learn all the meds my dogs need in their food, how to work all the fancy do dads that operate this house and learn where everything is that they will need for Jack.  As I said earlier in the blog, they will be staying with Jack for the first three days Janeen is hospitalized then I will come home, get Jack, and head back to Santa Monica. We all had lots of laughs...you can't be around Jack and not laugh.  He is the funniest kid I've ever been around.  He is so animated and his expressions are hysterical.  Grandmoe and BoBo are going to have a good time with him.

I'm so thrilled that Janeen is looking forward already, she isn't going to stay down.  She sent me this tune up last night and I feel it is worth sharing with you.

Life is filled with obstacles and tests that sometimes knock us off our feet.  When we do lose our balance and fall on our faces, it's important to stand up again rather than to sink into doubt and depression...and dust ourselves off.

Getting up again generates greater spiritual Light in the world than if we had never fallen in the first place.  The fact that we fell is not what's important.  True greatness is in the act of rising again. (Kabbalah Daily Tune Up)

This surgery no doubt will knock Janeen on her butt and for the first five days she'll be hating the world.  But you just watch, she'll be up and around doing what she does best, taking care of Jack.  She is the best mom and I know she doesn't want to miss any more days than she has to in caring for him.

Please keep the prayers and positive thoughts going.  We so appreciate it.

Barb ( Also known as "Anni" )

Push Your Rock

There once was a man who had a huge desire to please God, so he prayed day and night until one day a Voice spoke to him, "I want you to go push a rock."

The man woke up the next morning elated, and ran outside to find a huge boulder.  He began pushing it, but nothing happened, so he kept at it all day.  The next day he did the same, yet it still didn't budge an inch.  He went on like that for three months, until one day he got so frustrated that he stopped pushing.

That night he had a dream, and the Voice asked him, "Why did you stop pushing?"  Nothing happened," he answered.  "Nothing happened?  Look at you?  Look how determined and focused you've become.  Look how powerful your muscles are now.  Your're no longer the person you were when you started.

Besides, I didn't tell you to move the rock; I told you to push it.  I'll move the rock when it's time."

Keep pushing your rock.  It'll move at the right moment, in the perfect time, when you least expect it.  And amazing things are happening, even if you're not noticing them yet.

Janeen's been pushing that rock for 9 months now and you know what?  Amazing things are happening and I am noticing them.  She's become more trusting, less fearful and is working real hard at letting go. Letting go of the past as well as letting go of the control she thinks she has over me while I'm watching Jack. HA!

Gotta go  push my rock.......Barb