Happy to write the biopsy report regarding the polyps were all negative. I had my EUS (esophageal ultra sound) and there are no changes to may pancreas. All good, but my doctor believes I have two gallstones. Great! No symptoms so hoping they do not develop into anything, but at least I know. I had laryngitis for a week before this procedure but didn't say anything because I didn't want them to cancel, but with that and the camera down my throat, I still have vocal issues. Having difficulty talking when I first wake up and singing along to the radio doesn't sound so great. I used to be able to carry a tune.
I've only been swimming since I was able to return to the gym and I've hit a plateau. I've gained 10 lbs since February yet my clothes are so big I have been buying 1-2 sizes smaller. Well, my mom has been shopping for me because trying on clothes brings me to tears. I used to love going shopping and now I loathe it. I decided to ramp it up and break my plateau so I took a cardio blast class tonight. I could do most of it, but I am still so limited it brought me to tears. I literally cried in class and then I had to explain to the instructor why I'm looking like an ass and I hate saying it all over and over. I used to be able to do pretty much everything in these aerobic/yoga/swimming classes....and now....not so much. Yeah, I've come so far but I still have a long frickin' way to go. I don't mean to get emotional but there are cracks in my mental state and I'm not always sure what will trigger the tears. It's been 10 months now. I do expect more.
I am really trying yet my body at times won't let me do what I know I can do. But I do know that I'm actually very physically strong. I look at what I have put my body through and wow. The only time in my life I have absolutely loved my body was when I was pregnant. The bigger I got, the more beautiful and empowered I felt. It was amazing. I NEVER thought just 17 months later, after having my son, I would have to remove my breasts and put my body through an 18 1/2 hour surgery, along with all my other surgeries and procedures. I am trying to embrace every change, every scar, every bump and lump, every set back, every victory, every tear, every laugh. I still feel broken, but I will be strong again someday. Like a lotus seeded in muddy waters, it rises above the mud and produces a beautiful fragrant flower.
But I did do something right. Jack an I were talking the other day about how many times he has been physically sick. I told him 2 times. I reminded him he got sick at the hotel when I was in the hospital. He couldn't remember any of it. Not being sick, that I was in the hospital, why I was there, nothing. I was always hoping that although he sees my scars everyday he wouldn't remember. He recently asked, "why do you have red lines all over you?" That made me happy.
My boy turned "3." I love that I can hold him and cuddle him when he says, "cuddle time." I made the right choice, for me.
Here's to a work in progress,
Janeen
Monday, July 16, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Surgery Day & Feeling Blue
Today I had my hysteroscopy. I tried to get to sleep early last night as I had to leave for the surgery center at 6:15 a.m. I think I got about 3 hours sleep. Anyway, I had to get Jack up early as well. Poor little guy. Mom picked us up and off we went. I cannot believe how nervous I was today. I was making myself nauseous. I checked in, then Mom and Jack left once they took me back. Prepping for the procedure, changing into my gown, getting on the gurney, then giving a medication and surgical history, I just started to cry. Today pales in comparison to what I've been through but it was like a flood of memories came back to me. They started my IV with fluids and then I met my anesthesiologist. The nurses were very nice and they all said that crying was no problem, so I did. I just layed there and cried. If I said 'mastectomy' once today, I feel like I said 50 times. I know they are just doing their job but everyone has to keep asking me the same questions and so I sounded like a broken record. Dr. Wheeler, my OBGYN, arrived. We briefly discussed the procedure to remove the polyps and aftercare. Then off I went...... I got my 'cocktail' and I was in la-la land.
I woke up about an hour or so later. Dr. Wheeler removed 3 polyps. They are getting biopsied and I'm sure all will be fine but I tend to hold my breath a bit until pathology comes back. Mom had dropped Jack off at my aunt and uncles house for the afternoon, so she was there when I woke up. I was so groggy but it soon wore off. I did need a shot for pain and cramping. As the nurse was getting me dressed she asked who did my other surgery because she has seen a lot of patients and she said they all commented at how good I look. I kinda laughed. I know that my LA doctors did an amazing job putting me all back together, but it's weird to have other medical staff comment. Since I still don't feel right I just said, "Thank you." She agreed that it will take me well over a year to "feel" like myself again. She pulled back the blankets and they were covered with blood and iodine. So gross, I can only imagine what the hell goes on in any surgery. ICK!
I've been home in bed all day and have not been able to sleep a wink. I get up and feel a bit dizzy so I just tweeted A LOT today. Feeling better tonight but cramping again. Mom has Lovey for an overnight so I'll try a Tylenol p.m. and hope for the best. I'm so used to having Jack with me and staying on our schedule that getting a day break really isn't a break because my internal clock is thinking about him all the time. But he had a fun day and he loves spending the night at 'Nanni's' house.
I got my take home instructions and obviously stay down, watch for excessive bleeding and cramping and fever and NO swimming for a week. "That's my thing," I said. Feel like I'm taking steps back again with regards to my exercise. I'll have to do something else next week...maybe just resume my walks.
Friday is my cousins viewing which I am not attending; but his memorial is Monday in Fallbrook and I will be there. My other cousin Diane, Jim's sister, flew into town so it'll be nice to see her. She too is BRCA2+ and had her mastectomy last year as well. SUCKS!!!!
On a lighter note, my amazing son is turning "3" on June 24. We are Disneyland bound AGAIN. He loves it; so do I and I LOVE him. Then a few weeks later, back into the swing of things with my EUS scheduled for July (hospital again). Then I still have to get back up to LA for boobie tattoos. I'm sure this summer will fly by.
So I've been blue today. Looking forward to a good night sleep.
"Change is the rule of life, nothing stays the same forever, everything will change, so accept this and enjoy the journey." -Spiritual Truths
Yeah, OK.....
Janeen
I woke up about an hour or so later. Dr. Wheeler removed 3 polyps. They are getting biopsied and I'm sure all will be fine but I tend to hold my breath a bit until pathology comes back. Mom had dropped Jack off at my aunt and uncles house for the afternoon, so she was there when I woke up. I was so groggy but it soon wore off. I did need a shot for pain and cramping. As the nurse was getting me dressed she asked who did my other surgery because she has seen a lot of patients and she said they all commented at how good I look. I kinda laughed. I know that my LA doctors did an amazing job putting me all back together, but it's weird to have other medical staff comment. Since I still don't feel right I just said, "Thank you." She agreed that it will take me well over a year to "feel" like myself again. She pulled back the blankets and they were covered with blood and iodine. So gross, I can only imagine what the hell goes on in any surgery. ICK!
I've been home in bed all day and have not been able to sleep a wink. I get up and feel a bit dizzy so I just tweeted A LOT today. Feeling better tonight but cramping again. Mom has Lovey for an overnight so I'll try a Tylenol p.m. and hope for the best. I'm so used to having Jack with me and staying on our schedule that getting a day break really isn't a break because my internal clock is thinking about him all the time. But he had a fun day and he loves spending the night at 'Nanni's' house.
I got my take home instructions and obviously stay down, watch for excessive bleeding and cramping and fever and NO swimming for a week. "That's my thing," I said. Feel like I'm taking steps back again with regards to my exercise. I'll have to do something else next week...maybe just resume my walks.
Friday is my cousins viewing which I am not attending; but his memorial is Monday in Fallbrook and I will be there. My other cousin Diane, Jim's sister, flew into town so it'll be nice to see her. She too is BRCA2+ and had her mastectomy last year as well. SUCKS!!!!
On a lighter note, my amazing son is turning "3" on June 24. We are Disneyland bound AGAIN. He loves it; so do I and I LOVE him. Then a few weeks later, back into the swing of things with my EUS scheduled for July (hospital again). Then I still have to get back up to LA for boobie tattoos. I'm sure this summer will fly by.
So I've been blue today. Looking forward to a good night sleep.
"Change is the rule of life, nothing stays the same forever, everything will change, so accept this and enjoy the journey." -Spiritual Truths
Yeah, OK.....
Janeen
Monday, June 11, 2012
Rise and Grind
A lot has happened since my last post. I was taking a break from doctors but knew I was taking more time off than I should, so I got back into it. I decided to deal with the polyps that were found as a result of my ultrasound in February. I have no symptoms but nonetheless they were found and I need to have them removed and make sure they are not cancerous. I also have my next EUS (esophageal ultrasound) scheduled to monitor my pancreas. So I'm back in it; not thrilled but have to keep plugging along.
Since my ultrasounds are looking good (ovaries in good shape) and my CA-125 remain "normal," I am buying time. I'm not ready to make the decision for a BSO, or possibly a full hysterectomy (depending on the results from the hysteroscopy from the polyps). It's such a difficult decision for me to make. In my last ultrasound the technician saw two eggs. It made me kind of sad. Clearly the decision to have more children is no longer an option but I'm not ready to finalize it. In the last few weeks I have seen two people who either have seen Jack or simply a picture and tell me, "You have to have another...Can you imagine a girl." And I think, yes, I can imagine it and my heart breaks. I think it's very bold for people to make such a comment to any woman, especially one in her 40's where the odds are already staked against her. Then I have this other variable to deal with. Rather than get into it, I usually say, "Oh we'll see." I will probably never get over the fact that my choices were taken away from me, but all I have to do is look at my beautiful boy and know that God blessed me with one amazing kid. The older Jack gets, he turns "3" in a few weeks, I know we were meant to be together. We make a good team. My love for Jack is beyond words. He is my heart.
Speaking of heart, in the midst of doctor appointments, Jack's preschool coming to an end for the summer, and other day to day activities, I lost my cousin Jim (Cuzzy J) on June 4 to a massive heart attack. He was a heavy smoker and never went to the doctor. He was just 53 years old. His daughter Erika graduates high school this week and then unfortunately has to bury her father a few days later. I'm still in shock and feel for my family that is trying to come to terms with Cuzzy's passing. He also left no will or trust and so it has become a very difficult situation. I loved my cousin but I wish he had taken better care of himself and had taken care of his affairs. I found this picture from March 2011 when we visited him at his home in Fallbrook.
Since my ultrasounds are looking good (ovaries in good shape) and my CA-125 remain "normal," I am buying time. I'm not ready to make the decision for a BSO, or possibly a full hysterectomy (depending on the results from the hysteroscopy from the polyps). It's such a difficult decision for me to make. In my last ultrasound the technician saw two eggs. It made me kind of sad. Clearly the decision to have more children is no longer an option but I'm not ready to finalize it. In the last few weeks I have seen two people who either have seen Jack or simply a picture and tell me, "You have to have another...Can you imagine a girl." And I think, yes, I can imagine it and my heart breaks. I think it's very bold for people to make such a comment to any woman, especially one in her 40's where the odds are already staked against her. Then I have this other variable to deal with. Rather than get into it, I usually say, "Oh we'll see." I will probably never get over the fact that my choices were taken away from me, but all I have to do is look at my beautiful boy and know that God blessed me with one amazing kid. The older Jack gets, he turns "3" in a few weeks, I know we were meant to be together. We make a good team. My love for Jack is beyond words. He is my heart.
Speaking of heart, in the midst of doctor appointments, Jack's preschool coming to an end for the summer, and other day to day activities, I lost my cousin Jim (Cuzzy J) on June 4 to a massive heart attack. He was a heavy smoker and never went to the doctor. He was just 53 years old. His daughter Erika graduates high school this week and then unfortunately has to bury her father a few days later. I'm still in shock and feel for my family that is trying to come to terms with Cuzzy's passing. He also left no will or trust and so it has become a very difficult situation. I loved my cousin but I wish he had taken better care of himself and had taken care of his affairs. I found this picture from March 2011 when we visited him at his home in Fallbrook.
*Cuzzy on the left, his daughter, my dad and little man Jack*
Rest In Peace Jim
In closing I always try to put in some relevant quotes. I found these two that I wanted to share.
"We all experience loss. While we may consider these losses as distressing life changes, everything we do is about growth." JVP
"No one can stop you doing anything, the choices you make are yours, and the consequences will be yours as well." ST
I figure when you're down or times are tough, make a list of all the blessings in your life; what you're grateful for. Look at it; reflect on it.
Remember, life is short and shit happens. Be well.
Janeen
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Happy Birthday
Happy 43rd Birthday to me. Jack and I got another bug last week so we haven't felt great but tonight we had a lovely dinner with Jack's Nanni and my aunt and uncle.
Here's a picture of my beautiful flowers.
May 19, 2012: Mommy and Jack
I think my immune system is still down because I seem to be getting sick quite frequently and it's driving me crazy. Just when I get back to the gym and try strength training, I get another cold or sore throat or whatever is going around. So, I lie low and start over again when I can. Some good news is, I think I'm getting some feeling back in my abdominal area, especially around my "new" belly button. Deep inside I can feel the scar tissue, which are almond size bits and pieces. I may try acupuncture again or some other therapies to try and smooth it out. Any quick or swift move still takes my breath away but I am able to carry Jack once again if he wants me to hold him and I have so missed this.
I had decided to take a hiatus from doctor appointments and now we are already mid-May and I have to get back into it. I meet with my gynecologist next week to get a plan in action. I also have to schedule my next EUS (Esophageal ultrasound) to check my pancreas. Happy to report another colonoscopy isn't necessary until next year. My breast surgeon gave me an 8 week break until the last part of my reconstruction which is the tattoos and it's time, but I'm not in any hurry for this right now.
I'm 8 months from my first surgery and 3 months from my second. My body continues to change. I'm not sure sure how to feel since body image isn't one of my strong suits. I dress in my old clothes that now hang on me. I feel rather homely. Mom called me 'Poor Pitiful Pearl' and gave me some shopping money to go buy some new clothes and stop bitching about it. I swear I don't even know where to start. I did finally get two new bras, yeah me! That was uncomfortable getting measured and all, but it had to be done. I'm still just so uncomfortable with how I feel and how I look. It's a process. I will not let this get me down but nobody can rush me into any of this. I just have to go at my own pace. Taurus; we hate change!
So this is my update.....I can't believe we have almost 4000 hits here. I've met a few more women via twitter that are in my same shoes. I hope we can continue to support one another and educate each other about this #BRCA2 gene. When people say that BRCA patients choose to have these surgeries, I ask you, is it really elective surgery if cancer is the alternative? Surgery is the only cancer prevention we have. I wish more people could understand this and not be offended by words like, "previvor." I am a changed woman; we all are. Bless all my BRCA sisters out there.
Sincerely, Janeen
Thursday, May 10, 2012
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
HELLO MOM'S!
I just wanted to extend a Mother's Day greeting to all of you mom's out there who are following our blog. With all of our trials and tribulations we ladies can stand tall and give ourselves a pat on the back for the incredible work we do. A woman's day is never done, but I hope this Sunday each and everyone of you will take a moment for yourself and give yourself credit for doing the hardest job in the world, that being a MOM. It is also the most gratifying job but we often lose ourselves in the care giving of others. If you are one of the mom's who has undergone multiple surgeries this year ( or even one ) be patient, the old you will resurface again. You simply need more time and our prayers and thoughts are still with you. Remember how blessed you are while eating the burnt pancakes, soggy cereal and cold coffee on Sunday morning. All these efforts come from a loving place so put a smile on your pretty little face and know we are all celebrating in the same way with you.
God Bless Us All!
Barb ( Janeen's Mom )
I just wanted to extend a Mother's Day greeting to all of you mom's out there who are following our blog. With all of our trials and tribulations we ladies can stand tall and give ourselves a pat on the back for the incredible work we do. A woman's day is never done, but I hope this Sunday each and everyone of you will take a moment for yourself and give yourself credit for doing the hardest job in the world, that being a MOM. It is also the most gratifying job but we often lose ourselves in the care giving of others. If you are one of the mom's who has undergone multiple surgeries this year ( or even one ) be patient, the old you will resurface again. You simply need more time and our prayers and thoughts are still with you. Remember how blessed you are while eating the burnt pancakes, soggy cereal and cold coffee on Sunday morning. All these efforts come from a loving place so put a smile on your pretty little face and know we are all celebrating in the same way with you.
God Bless Us All!
Barb ( Janeen's Mom )
Friday, May 4, 2012
Amazing
It has been quite a while since I have posted anything. But there is something I would like to share with all of our followers. When I started this blog I had no idea how it would do nor did I know where it would go. My original idea was to let Janeen, along with family and friends follow us along a path that was both foreign and very scary. I have said before it ended up being very cathartic for me and equally as cathartic for Janeen once she was told the blog existed. I had always hoped Janeen would eventually meet through this blog, other women who were facing the same decisions that Janeen was facing and women who shared her anger along with her fears. This has happened and continues to happen on somewhat of a regular basis. When she shares the stories of these women we have never met and probably never will meet, we cry and immediately I say a prayer for that person. These women are all in different phases of their journey but they are able to tell each other how they handled their mastectomy's or maybe one gal opted to have her hysterectomy first then remove her breasts. No matter what the order of the surgeries each one has chosen, there is a common denominator and that is testing positive for BRCA 2. I cannot stress enough how common this scenario is and still there are so many of you out there have never ever heard of this gene. I will never understand why more doctors do not test for this genetic component and why insurance companies refuse to pay for this simple blood test that is outrageously expensive. This is so wrong on so many levels and my heart goes out to each and everyone who has had to make very difficult decisions, in order to save their lives while still having to fight the insurance companies for compensation at the same time. Unless their are drastic changes in the medical arena, women will just sit and wait for cancer to attack and ultimately kill them. There is a lady in Georgia, she has breast cancer and she has opted for a double mastectomy. Her doctor will not do the surgery unless she is tested for BRAC 1 and BRCA 2 gene. Her insurance will not pay for the test and she cannot afford to pay for the test. So she just sits and waits. I pray for this woman daily.
So, to all of you ladies who have met my daughter through this blog or twitter please keep in touch. You are helping each other more than you probably realize at this moment and the beauty of these relationships that are forming you all know exactly how each one of you feels and that has to be comforting for all of you. Janeen's next surgery will be the hysterectomy but no date has been set as of this posting. She is once again due to have her pancreas and other organs screened and check ups are coming up again soon. I realize all of you are so sick of doctor's offices but hang in there ladies one day the road you now travel will be a distant memory.
God bless you all and your families and this mom is so happy you have found each other.
Love,
Barb ( Janeen's Mom :)
So, to all of you ladies who have met my daughter through this blog or twitter please keep in touch. You are helping each other more than you probably realize at this moment and the beauty of these relationships that are forming you all know exactly how each one of you feels and that has to be comforting for all of you. Janeen's next surgery will be the hysterectomy but no date has been set as of this posting. She is once again due to have her pancreas and other organs screened and check ups are coming up again soon. I realize all of you are so sick of doctor's offices but hang in there ladies one day the road you now travel will be a distant memory.
God bless you all and your families and this mom is so happy you have found each other.
Love,
Barb ( Janeen's Mom :)
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Still Coming Along
Well we've recovered from fevers and pink eye, but I still have a horrific, drive you crazy dry cough. Going on two weeks now. Enough already. Only have been to the gym twice. Tried to start stretching and I swear I feel like my side scars are going to completely split open. I'm 7 months from my first surgery and the tightness of my skin is the same.....tight! And still numb. I don't think I will ever get used to how my skin feels. It's just uncomfortable. I'm still not able to fully play with Jack. I cannot run after him, do physical activities. I'm just not at 100% but I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that bitching about it and being pissed off is clearly getting me nowhere. This is clearly a marathon, not a race.
A few things have happened in the last few weeks that have weighed heavy on me. The first, I cannot believe I'm even mentioning but a neighbor that has caused my mom much heartache as well as a rather expensive lawsuit passed away from cardiac arrest. When I found out I was surprised that I actually felt compassion because this man was really an SOB. Death, no matter who, is devastating. He was still a father and husband and the family was mourning. But at the same time there was a sense of relief. The constant BS from this man is over. What came to mind though was the fact that even though he was a pain in the ass neighbor and incredibly disrespectful, especially to women, is that God had already forgiven him and he was one of God's children. Who knows if this is true, but I've read that when we die we have a life review and we feel all the pain that we have dished out to others. What was his life review like?
With that being said, I want to think I treat others respectfully but I know that my behavior has been less than stellar. My recent experiences are no excuse but I have been really, really angry and I cannot handle stupid...stupid people and stupid, insensitive comments. I find it very difficult to turn the other cheek. At the same time, people have reached out and I have not handled it with grace. There is no handbook on how I would feel through all of this. I tend to retreat then get mad when everyone's quiet. Sometimes I laugh at myself because how can I still be mad...it's done. I've had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction...it's done! As my doctor says I'm still in it. I don't have enough distance from all of this yet. Anyway, this man's passing was a reminder of God's grace and to treat others the way I would like to be treated, even the stupid one's.
Two weeks ago when Jack and I were at the walk-in for the second time within two days of each other, this time for 3 hours, we met a woman who was very taken with Mr. Jack. With 3 hours to kill we talked a lot. She told me about her 3 boys and pulled out her phone to show me pictures. After about 2 hours she then told me how she lost one of her sons to a brain aneurysm. He had a bad headache one night and she gave him Motrin and sent him to bed. He was 27. Clearly this woman was carrying around a great deal of guilt. I never would have known any of this if I had just walked in and saw her sitting there at the walk-in. Everybody has something. I would take my situation 10x's over rather than loose my beloved son. I don't know if it's even possible to recover from that kind of pain and anger. She ended up taking a picture of Jack because she wanted to share with her family the little boy that reminded her of her son, that had her laughing most of the day. So again I ask myself, what the hell am I bitching about? God sends us angels in many forms. Sometimes it takes a tragic story such as this to remind me, I am beyond fine. I'm doing great.
Then Easter came and the sermon at church was about FAITH. There are people with blind faith; there are people that are on the fence; and there are those that don't want to believe or can't believe and they want to "roll the stone back." I have felt like I am #2, on the fence. I started taking Jack to church a few weeks before Easter and since because I feel like it's my duty, but perhaps I'm trying to get to the blind faith. In the church bulletin there is a group starting for parents and children called 'Caring and Sharing.' So I signed us up and we had class tonight. For just a hour we get to engage with our children then while they tell bible stories, the parents (all mom's) went into another room to discuss what we wanted out of these classes. I feel like I am returning to the church and I need to find my faith and grace. I explained that my faith has been in question because of my recent experiences....they asked me to elaborate, so I did. Then another woman spoke up. She's 38 and is currently battling breast cancer that has spread to her liver. She's a mother to young children and has had the same thoughts of all the what if's........She has a tumor but it is shrinking. Again, I looked at her when she first arrived and I never would have known. She has had a hysterectomy, which is the procedure I'm dreading and is going through cancer treatments. She looks great by the way. Perhaps she will end up being one of my life teachers?
Again, I believe God is placing these people right in front of me. In fact it's almost smacking me in the face. My feelings of disconnect from some is still there, but rather than staying closed off I have to open myself up to others that can teach me life lessons. We all have a story. We all have something to contribute and share. We all have things that piss us off. We all have God, the Light, the Creator, whatever you want to call IT, who is there, we just have to let HIM in.
In closing tonight, I wanted to share with you a few quotes from Marianne Williamson, "A Course In Miracles."
"A miracle is a shift in perception. Prayer works miracles by shifting our thoughts from fear to love, creating a new set of probabilities.
"Thought is the level of Cause; our mortal experiences are the level of Effect. By changing our thinking, we change our lives."
Last from James Van Praagh: "There are no good or bad experiences, only experiences that have helped your soul to grow."
Love and Gratitude, Janeen
A few things have happened in the last few weeks that have weighed heavy on me. The first, I cannot believe I'm even mentioning but a neighbor that has caused my mom much heartache as well as a rather expensive lawsuit passed away from cardiac arrest. When I found out I was surprised that I actually felt compassion because this man was really an SOB. Death, no matter who, is devastating. He was still a father and husband and the family was mourning. But at the same time there was a sense of relief. The constant BS from this man is over. What came to mind though was the fact that even though he was a pain in the ass neighbor and incredibly disrespectful, especially to women, is that God had already forgiven him and he was one of God's children. Who knows if this is true, but I've read that when we die we have a life review and we feel all the pain that we have dished out to others. What was his life review like?
With that being said, I want to think I treat others respectfully but I know that my behavior has been less than stellar. My recent experiences are no excuse but I have been really, really angry and I cannot handle stupid...stupid people and stupid, insensitive comments. I find it very difficult to turn the other cheek. At the same time, people have reached out and I have not handled it with grace. There is no handbook on how I would feel through all of this. I tend to retreat then get mad when everyone's quiet. Sometimes I laugh at myself because how can I still be mad...it's done. I've had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction...it's done! As my doctor says I'm still in it. I don't have enough distance from all of this yet. Anyway, this man's passing was a reminder of God's grace and to treat others the way I would like to be treated, even the stupid one's.
Two weeks ago when Jack and I were at the walk-in for the second time within two days of each other, this time for 3 hours, we met a woman who was very taken with Mr. Jack. With 3 hours to kill we talked a lot. She told me about her 3 boys and pulled out her phone to show me pictures. After about 2 hours she then told me how she lost one of her sons to a brain aneurysm. He had a bad headache one night and she gave him Motrin and sent him to bed. He was 27. Clearly this woman was carrying around a great deal of guilt. I never would have known any of this if I had just walked in and saw her sitting there at the walk-in. Everybody has something. I would take my situation 10x's over rather than loose my beloved son. I don't know if it's even possible to recover from that kind of pain and anger. She ended up taking a picture of Jack because she wanted to share with her family the little boy that reminded her of her son, that had her laughing most of the day. So again I ask myself, what the hell am I bitching about? God sends us angels in many forms. Sometimes it takes a tragic story such as this to remind me, I am beyond fine. I'm doing great.
Then Easter came and the sermon at church was about FAITH. There are people with blind faith; there are people that are on the fence; and there are those that don't want to believe or can't believe and they want to "roll the stone back." I have felt like I am #2, on the fence. I started taking Jack to church a few weeks before Easter and since because I feel like it's my duty, but perhaps I'm trying to get to the blind faith. In the church bulletin there is a group starting for parents and children called 'Caring and Sharing.' So I signed us up and we had class tonight. For just a hour we get to engage with our children then while they tell bible stories, the parents (all mom's) went into another room to discuss what we wanted out of these classes. I feel like I am returning to the church and I need to find my faith and grace. I explained that my faith has been in question because of my recent experiences....they asked me to elaborate, so I did. Then another woman spoke up. She's 38 and is currently battling breast cancer that has spread to her liver. She's a mother to young children and has had the same thoughts of all the what if's........She has a tumor but it is shrinking. Again, I looked at her when she first arrived and I never would have known. She has had a hysterectomy, which is the procedure I'm dreading and is going through cancer treatments. She looks great by the way. Perhaps she will end up being one of my life teachers?
Again, I believe God is placing these people right in front of me. In fact it's almost smacking me in the face. My feelings of disconnect from some is still there, but rather than staying closed off I have to open myself up to others that can teach me life lessons. We all have a story. We all have something to contribute and share. We all have things that piss us off. We all have God, the Light, the Creator, whatever you want to call IT, who is there, we just have to let HIM in.
In closing tonight, I wanted to share with you a few quotes from Marianne Williamson, "A Course In Miracles."
"A miracle is a shift in perception. Prayer works miracles by shifting our thoughts from fear to love, creating a new set of probabilities.
"Thought is the level of Cause; our mortal experiences are the level of Effect. By changing our thinking, we change our lives."
Last from James Van Praagh: "There are no good or bad experiences, only experiences that have helped your soul to grow."
Love and Gratitude, Janeen
Friday, April 6, 2012
Happy Easter
Just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful weekend. Jack and I have been sick with fevers, coughs and the lovely pink eye! Everyone told me, just wait until he starts school. They were right. Been lying low but he's trying to rebound for the Easter Bunny.
Have a blessed weekend,
Janeen and Jack
Have a blessed weekend,
Janeen and Jack
Monday, March 26, 2012
Life Lessons..Still Looking
My check up last week went well and I sort of "graduated" as I do not have to go back now for 8 weeks. Apparently next is the tattooing. But again my scars look so red and fresh that I cannot image even putting a needle to them in 8 weeks. Not that I have an ounce of feeling, but it just looks too new, like I need more healing. So things are shrinking but of course the right side is way down because the graft oozed it's way out. Again, I have to keep my nipple protectors on, aka my donuts, and I will really try to be diligent for the next several months. I did get the OK to get back to the gym. For me this means swimming but I still haven't found a suit to accommodate the donuts and pads and I cannot have anything cling to me....so how do I do this in water? Still working on it. I've been sedentary for so long now any tone I thought I had is pretty much gone. Tough to get toned; easy to get flabby. My skin still feels quite foreign and tight and I itch like crazy, but I cannot get to the itch. It's internal and I scratch like I'm clawing myself and I can't get it. It's so frustrating as it can wake me up out of a sleep or can keep me up for hours. I know, I know....time!
Regarding my blog, I continue with this for various reasons. For friends and family to stay apprised of my progress because individual emails and calls can be tough to say the same thing over and over. And then I see the numbers climb so individuals besides family seem to be reading this, which I do have linked with my twitter account, so perhaps I have a few strangers reading about my journey. If you are one of these people and facing a similar challenge, I hope you can see that I am trying to remain true to myself and speak my truth. This hasn't been easy at all but if I can do this, I would like to know you can too. Lastly, I blog for me. Sometimes it's like my journal. I don't think I will ever forget this experience but I also don't want to forget the details. When I go back and look at entries early on, it's quite emotional and cathartic for me. I want to always remember but want to make sure this does not become a badge for me. You know, just one more thing for me to hang my hat on. We've all been dealt very difficult blows in life but what defines us? Who would you be without your story of pain? Sometimes I feel like it's all consuming for me, whether it be childhood/adolescent experiences that as a result I chose to check out from living and just existed for years. Then I had my baby and it's like I saw things through fresh eyes once again. Colors were brighter, smells were sweeter, sounds became melodic. My son changed my life for the better. Everything my mom ever said to me finally made sense. Struggles and adversity washed away and I discoveed a newfound happiness. Then this all hit me. Why? I keep saying, "what's the lesson?" I think I know it...deep down. For so long I wanted my doctors to play God and give me definitive time lines that cancer would appear. I was pissed off that this was NOT my plan. I have felt completely broken through this process but I still hold on to the notion that I am in control here. And yet what is this blog called....Janeen's Journey As Designed By GOD. I have no control over any of this. How can I be so grateful and bitter at the same time? I can't...the two do not go together. I also feel conflicted because if I have faith then why am I still so scared? I find weakness in "letting go." If I let this go and just be, then I have to let everything else go. I believe I must go through this to become the person God has intended for me to be. Pain is pain, it's just how we each decide to deal with it. My scars, I could really care less about, but it's certainly a daily reminder. So I guess I will continue to blog if for nobody else, me. And I will continue to heal both physically and emotionally. I may have said most of this before but again, it's my reminder.
Again here are some great quotes to end on tonight:
@Oprah_World: There is a lesson in almost everything that you do, and getting the lesson is how you move forward. It is how you enrich your spirit.
@JulieFrancella: Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger...but you will still have to make the effort to shift your thinking and embrace the struggle.
@JamesVanPraagh: Happy am I, healthy am I, holy am I. Let these words sink into your mind and heart.
And so it is.......Janeen
Regarding my blog, I continue with this for various reasons. For friends and family to stay apprised of my progress because individual emails and calls can be tough to say the same thing over and over. And then I see the numbers climb so individuals besides family seem to be reading this, which I do have linked with my twitter account, so perhaps I have a few strangers reading about my journey. If you are one of these people and facing a similar challenge, I hope you can see that I am trying to remain true to myself and speak my truth. This hasn't been easy at all but if I can do this, I would like to know you can too. Lastly, I blog for me. Sometimes it's like my journal. I don't think I will ever forget this experience but I also don't want to forget the details. When I go back and look at entries early on, it's quite emotional and cathartic for me. I want to always remember but want to make sure this does not become a badge for me. You know, just one more thing for me to hang my hat on. We've all been dealt very difficult blows in life but what defines us? Who would you be without your story of pain? Sometimes I feel like it's all consuming for me, whether it be childhood/adolescent experiences that as a result I chose to check out from living and just existed for years. Then I had my baby and it's like I saw things through fresh eyes once again. Colors were brighter, smells were sweeter, sounds became melodic. My son changed my life for the better. Everything my mom ever said to me finally made sense. Struggles and adversity washed away and I discoveed a newfound happiness. Then this all hit me. Why? I keep saying, "what's the lesson?" I think I know it...deep down. For so long I wanted my doctors to play God and give me definitive time lines that cancer would appear. I was pissed off that this was NOT my plan. I have felt completely broken through this process but I still hold on to the notion that I am in control here. And yet what is this blog called....Janeen's Journey As Designed By GOD. I have no control over any of this. How can I be so grateful and bitter at the same time? I can't...the two do not go together. I also feel conflicted because if I have faith then why am I still so scared? I find weakness in "letting go." If I let this go and just be, then I have to let everything else go. I believe I must go through this to become the person God has intended for me to be. Pain is pain, it's just how we each decide to deal with it. My scars, I could really care less about, but it's certainly a daily reminder. So I guess I will continue to blog if for nobody else, me. And I will continue to heal both physically and emotionally. I may have said most of this before but again, it's my reminder.
Again here are some great quotes to end on tonight:
@Oprah_World: There is a lesson in almost everything that you do, and getting the lesson is how you move forward. It is how you enrich your spirit.
@JulieFrancella: Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger...but you will still have to make the effort to shift your thinking and embrace the struggle.
@JamesVanPraagh: Happy am I, healthy am I, holy am I. Let these words sink into your mind and heart.
And so it is.......Janeen
Thursday, March 15, 2012
My Angels
My "glitch" was stitched back up again and another round of antibiotics. I'll refrain from details because it's rather gross. I cried all the way to the doctor Monday and cried most of the way home. I was thinking of other strong women in my life.
My mom and I have both had a melanoma. Mom had what we thought was another melanoma on the inside of her heel years ago, which obviously isn't good. Melanoma is a beyond a horrible cancer. I was terrified. Mom was the calming force as she always is and so when I heard the doctor say "possible amputation" I almost passed out. She said, "Oh I guess I forgot to tell you they mentioned that." You can only dig out so much of the foot before you no longer have a foot. We were blessed to have a doctor that slowed everything down and insisted her tumor be biopsied at various hospitals across the country. Her tumor was a schwannoma which can look like a melanoma initially. A schwannoma can grow on the nerve sheath and can strangle it, resulting in floppy foot. Because of other health factors mom's tumor was removed and healed from the inside out. The wound was so large a tennis ball could fit in there. While mom still has her foot she was wheelchair bound for over 3 months and to this day still has severe foot and heal pain. She's thrown out her Prada shoes for TOM's and flip flops. She's in pain, I think, everyday all day. She hides it very well. She's not a complainer at all. She just gets on with it; whatever "it" is. She has survived many challenges.
Next, I have a childhood friend who was her mother's caretaker as she was dying from cancer. In addition to this daunting task, she was continuing her education and even dated and ultimately found her husband. Her mother was able to marry them in a beautiful and touching ceremony, but didn't live long enough to meet her grandson. Although I believe Rosa met Gabe long before Jessica ever did. I don't know how she handled any of this, but she did it with such grace and love. I respect her greatly.
I have another friend and former neighbor who is currently living with her cancer; 4 years now. She said she would not let her cancer run her life and while it has made a tremendous impact on her life, she has continued to travel, when possible, continued with her book club, walks her beloved dog, although not as far as she used to, and even exercises when she has the energy. She looks great and we laugh because one pet peeve is when people tell you how great you look when you feel like shit! There are days when I see her walking and I'm like damn....You would never know what she's been through. She's living.
Another neighbor is a 4 year breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed when her kids were younger and she found great comfort with her beloved dog Leo who is no longer here; Leo is now at Rainbow Bridge. Mom would leave a little something at her door or send a random card to let her know she was thinking and prayer for her and her family. Karin would call to say thank you and you could hear how much pain she was in on any particular day from a chemo treatment. She lost her hair but still looked beautiful. I remember one night when us three girls went bowling and just had girl talk...no cancer.
After I got home from the hospital in September my aunt, also a breast cancer survivor, had her friend and manicurist come over to give me a mani and pedi. This woman survived a brain aneurysm. Something she should NOT have survived. She had brain surgery. She told me her story. She held my hand and prayed with me. She says she's not sure why she survived. But it's clear...she survived so she could help others. Not only making woman with cancer is the hospital or hospice to look and feel beautiful with some TLC of a manicure and pedicure, but to pray and offer words of wisdom and hope.
So, Mom, Jessica, Bonnie, Karin and Rae.....all of my angels in disguise, I think of you all more than you could possibly know. I pull from your strength and when I think of your stories, I feel that mine pales in comparison. I want to run around and enjoy my son and watch him grow. I want to laugh again so hard that my stomach hurts. I want to have enough distance that my bitterness simply fades away. God puts angels in our path everyday.....thank you my angels.
With Gratitude, Janeen
My mom and I have both had a melanoma. Mom had what we thought was another melanoma on the inside of her heel years ago, which obviously isn't good. Melanoma is a beyond a horrible cancer. I was terrified. Mom was the calming force as she always is and so when I heard the doctor say "possible amputation" I almost passed out. She said, "Oh I guess I forgot to tell you they mentioned that." You can only dig out so much of the foot before you no longer have a foot. We were blessed to have a doctor that slowed everything down and insisted her tumor be biopsied at various hospitals across the country. Her tumor was a schwannoma which can look like a melanoma initially. A schwannoma can grow on the nerve sheath and can strangle it, resulting in floppy foot. Because of other health factors mom's tumor was removed and healed from the inside out. The wound was so large a tennis ball could fit in there. While mom still has her foot she was wheelchair bound for over 3 months and to this day still has severe foot and heal pain. She's thrown out her Prada shoes for TOM's and flip flops. She's in pain, I think, everyday all day. She hides it very well. She's not a complainer at all. She just gets on with it; whatever "it" is. She has survived many challenges.
Next, I have a childhood friend who was her mother's caretaker as she was dying from cancer. In addition to this daunting task, she was continuing her education and even dated and ultimately found her husband. Her mother was able to marry them in a beautiful and touching ceremony, but didn't live long enough to meet her grandson. Although I believe Rosa met Gabe long before Jessica ever did. I don't know how she handled any of this, but she did it with such grace and love. I respect her greatly.
I have another friend and former neighbor who is currently living with her cancer; 4 years now. She said she would not let her cancer run her life and while it has made a tremendous impact on her life, she has continued to travel, when possible, continued with her book club, walks her beloved dog, although not as far as she used to, and even exercises when she has the energy. She looks great and we laugh because one pet peeve is when people tell you how great you look when you feel like shit! There are days when I see her walking and I'm like damn....You would never know what she's been through. She's living.
Another neighbor is a 4 year breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed when her kids were younger and she found great comfort with her beloved dog Leo who is no longer here; Leo is now at Rainbow Bridge. Mom would leave a little something at her door or send a random card to let her know she was thinking and prayer for her and her family. Karin would call to say thank you and you could hear how much pain she was in on any particular day from a chemo treatment. She lost her hair but still looked beautiful. I remember one night when us three girls went bowling and just had girl talk...no cancer.
After I got home from the hospital in September my aunt, also a breast cancer survivor, had her friend and manicurist come over to give me a mani and pedi. This woman survived a brain aneurysm. Something she should NOT have survived. She had brain surgery. She told me her story. She held my hand and prayed with me. She says she's not sure why she survived. But it's clear...she survived so she could help others. Not only making woman with cancer is the hospital or hospice to look and feel beautiful with some TLC of a manicure and pedicure, but to pray and offer words of wisdom and hope.
So, Mom, Jessica, Bonnie, Karin and Rae.....all of my angels in disguise, I think of you all more than you could possibly know. I pull from your strength and when I think of your stories, I feel that mine pales in comparison. I want to run around and enjoy my son and watch him grow. I want to laugh again so hard that my stomach hurts. I want to have enough distance that my bitterness simply fades away. God puts angels in our path everyday.....thank you my angels.
With Gratitude, Janeen
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